by Emily Minton
I start to shake my head back and forth as I chant to myself. “No, No, No!”
“Take off your clothes. Now!” he barks at me before roughly grabbing my arm and shaking me.
“Dean, no. Please not again. Stop!” I continue to beg as the world fades to black, but the shaking doesn’t stop.
Even though begging has never helped before, I still try. Something has changed. I don’t know what, can’t even imagine, but Dean looks possessed, like one of the scary things in those movies I’m not supposed to watch. My body is trembling, but I manage to comply with Dean’s order. When he pushes me to the bed and climbs on top of me, I realize how right I was; he’s a monster. I close my eyes and think about my safe place, nothing can hurt me here, but still the shaking continues.
“Hey! Are you okay?”
I can still feel someone shaking on my arm, slowly pulling me back to reality. When awareness finally rushes over my body, I raise my head to look up and meet Brandon’s hard stare. “Are you okay?” he asks again.
I’m not sure how to respond, though it’s a simple enough question. Am I okay? Am I? Will I ever be? It has been weeks since I had a flashback like that… A heaviness settles in my gut, thinking how a simple kiss triggered it. I’m sure Brandon thinks I’m a whack job now. I probably am.
“Hey, I asked if you’re okay. You just sort of froze up on me,” Brandon says, his voice laced with concern. “I told you we didn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to. I’m not in the habit of forcing shit on woman.”
I shake my head, warding off the painful thoughts and trying to focus on the present. I paste on the smile I hope will convince him all is well while I struggle to find the words that will convince him everything is fine. “No. No, I’m fine. I was just thinking.”
He looks at me for a few moments before a smile passes over his face, causing one dimple to appear on his right cheek, directly above his scar. “I’m not sure if I should be offended or honored. Women don’t usually space out while my mouth is on them, but if you were thinking about me, I guess that’s okay.”
I don’t want to tell him about what was going through my mind, so I just smile and shrug my shoulders. “I guess I’m not like most women then, huh?” I can barely keep the tremble out of my voice as lingering thoughts of Dean’s abuse threaten to take me over again.
Letting out a hearty laugh, Brandon tilts his head toward me and leans back down into my personal space. “No, you aren’t. I can already tell that from what little I know about you.”
“What do you mean?” Did he finally figure out who I am?
“Nothing much, Lady Bug. It’s just, I’ve heard a thing or two about you,” he says huskily.
“Lady Bug?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.
Brandon doesn’t answer me right away. Instead, he lifts a hand to my hair and runs a few strands through his fingers. “I’ve never seen anything like it… fucking beautiful.”
No one has ever given me a nickname before, and I like it. I almost don’t want to tell him my real name; I want to stay Lady Bug, but I need him to know who I really am before we go any further. “I’m Bethany Daniels.”
His whole body freezes. “I know who you are.”
Something about the way his voice sounds gnaws at me. It’s as if the sound of my name disgusts him. “Is something wrong?”
An awkward moment of silence passes between us, and then he shakes his head and backs away from me. His whole face changes right before my eyes. Instead of curious with a hint of lust, it is now filled with anger, full blown rage. “Fuck!”
“What’s wrong?” I ask, even though part of me already knows the answer. He’s made the connection; Dean Daniels, Bethany Daniels. He hates me because of my brother. The man that I’ve wanted nearly my entire adult life hates me.
“Daniels,” he spits out like a bitter pill. “I can’t do this. I can’t, no matter how bad I want to,” he states, sounding furious.
“Why?” I ask, even though I know the answer. Dean’s ghost has shown up to haunt me again. This time, it’s stealing the man of my dreams from me. I hate this. I hate Dean. I hate always living in his shadow. Dean has tainted my life in more ways than one. Even in death, he is still ruining everything.
“The bastard is your brother.”
“Yes, he’s my brother… was my brother,” I reply in a whisper as I watch him take in my words. I swear I can see a fresh wave of anger eclipse his face as he lets out a short forced breath and steps further away from me.
“What in the hell are you doing here? I thought you would be gone by now.”
The man that was just with me, the one that wanted me, is gone. In his place is someone that hates me with every fiber of his being. “I live here now.”
“Why?” he asks, anger amplifying in his voice. “Why the hell would you live in Cromwell?”
“Julie wanted me to move here with her and Jenny.” I try to explain before spiraling into a full out panic attack. I can’t take this; I can’t handle the quick change in him.
He looks down at me, and I can see the loathing seep from his eyes and wash across my prickled skin. “Fuck! Didn’t my sister go through enough bullshit with your messed up family? You know, when your brother nearly killed her!” he belts out before roughly running both of his hands through his hair then starts to quickly pace in front of me.
“I’ve never hurt Julie, and I never would,” I plead to him. I don’t know why, but I don’t want him upset with me. I want him to hear me out and believe me when I say that Julie is the only family that I have. “She’s my best friend.”
“You sure didn’t do anything to help her though, did you?” he spits at me before halting his pacing and giving me a death glare.
His words seem to take a direct path to my heart, weakening me at the knees. Those were the same words that I have said to myself a million times. “I tried,” I choke out.
“You didn’t try hard enough. You need to go home to your fucked up family and leave my sister the hell alone,” he all but growls out before taking another step away from me. “You need to stay the hell away from me too. I can’t be near you.”
I watch as he storms back toward the church. Watching Brandon walk away breaks my heart in two. I can’t say that I love him; I can’t even say that I really even like him, but I do know his rejection has proved that Dean is right. No one will ever want me. I’m worthless. I’m broken. As he steps inside, I swipe a stray tear from my eye and do what I’ve always done, pretend everything is okay.
Chapter Two
I lean against an old oak tree and look around at Jase and Julie’s wedding reception. This morning, I was so excited to be part of their big day, but now, I wish I was anywhere but here. Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong, but there’s no way I am going to tell them what happened after the wedding. What could I really say? I thought I was in love with someone I had just met. For a moment, I thought he may feel something for me too, but then he decided I was too disgusting to touch.
I should have known better. I should have known there was no way he would want to be with me. I shake my head at my own stupidity. No one will ever want someone as tainted as I am.
“Whatcha’ doing over here all alone?”
I turn my head and see Shane standing right beside me. I was so lost in my own thoughts again that I didn’t even hear him walk up. I shrug my shoulders and smile at him. “I was just trying to get away from all the noise.”
He smiles back at me with a twinkle in his eyes. “A pretty woman like you should be dancing.”
I shake my head as a blush covers my face. “I don’t dance.”
Shane ignores my response as he reaches out and grabs my hand. I have to fight myself to keep from pulling away. “Aw, come on. Just one dance?”
I don’t want to dance with him or anyone else, but I also don’t want to say no to Shane. He’s Jase’s baby brother. He is cute in the bad boy kind of way, and he’s always been nice to me. I know he’d neve
r hurt me, but I don’t know if I can handle being in his arms for an entire song.
I look up at him and try to come up with some kind of excuse, but he has the sweetest smile on his face, and there is no way I can say no. I finally give him a small smile and nod my head. “One dance.”
“That’s all I’ll need,” he says before leading me toward the spot where everyone is dancing.
As he pulls me into his arms, I brace for his touch. The feeling of claustrophobia never comes; fear doesn’t control me as I assumed it would. In fact, being near him feels safe. I slowly lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder. The ease I feel with him surprises me. I have always liked Shane, and we’ve grown close over the last year. He’s always running in and out of Julie and Jase’s house, and so am I. Naturally, we became friends. I knew I enjoyed talking to him, but I never thought I would feel comfortable in his arms.
“This is nice.”
I feel him chuckle against me. “Yes, it is.”
Before I can say anything else, a hand wraps around Shane’s other shoulder, causing him to come to a standstill. “I think this dance is mine.”
I look behind him to find Brandon standing there staring at me. His eyes are no longer filled with hate or even lust. Instead, they’re filled with determination. “I said this dance is mine.”
“No, I’m dancing with Shane,” I whisper, wanting him to go away.
“Sorry, Bran, the lady doesn’t want to dance with you,” Shane says over his shoulder, before shaking Brandon’s hand off his shoulder.
“Bethany,” he growls out. “We need to talk.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to talk to him. I do not need to be told I don’t belong again; I already know that. “No. Shane and I are dancing, and then I’m going home.”
Shane starts talking before Brandon has the chance to respond. “Man, back the fuck off. She doesn’t want to dance with you, alright? In fact, it doesn’t seem like she wants anything to do with you at all, so just get the hell away.”
“Fuck that. We need to talk.” His voice is hard and filled with anger.
I can tell both of their tempers are flaring and I know I need to stop this before it gets out of hand. Sliding behind Shane, afraid of getting near Brandon, I use every ounce of courage I have to face him. “No, no we don’t. I think you made yourself perfectly clear earlier. There is nothing more to talk about.”
He takes a step toward me. “That’s where you’re wrong, Lady Bug. We still have a lot more to talk about.”
I shake my head again, but stop when I see Jase and Matty heading our way. Both of their heads are down, and their shoulders are pushed back. They look like enraged bulls, ready to kill someone. No, no, no… “Please, don’t fight.”
“What are you talking about?” he mumbles out before he’s surrounded by the Gibson brothers.
“Shane, get Bethany out of here. Brandon and I need to have a chat,” Jase says, not taking his eyes off of Brandon.
I try to step forward, but Shane blocks me. “You need to let them handle this, Bethany.”
“I don’t want them fighting.”
Shane tucks me under his arm, my body snug to his, and starts to lead me toward Pop’s shop.
“They’re not going to fight, just have a little chat.”
I look up and glare at him. “It didn’t look like a chat to me.
“Come on,” he says as he pulls me forward.
I can still hear Jase and Brandon arguing as we walk away, and I know this is my fault. Before I know it, I’m crying, sobbing actually.
“What’s wrong, Bethany? What did Bran do to upset you so bad?” Shane asks as we enter the shop.
“It’s not him. It’s everything. Julie’s big day is ruined because of me.”
“How do you figure?”
I motion toward the doorway we just walked through. “Her new husband and her brother are fighting.”
“No they’re not. I can guarantee neither of them will throw a punch. They both love Julie, and they won’t want to hurt her.”
“Neither do I.”
He cocks his head to the side, pulling me close to him. “How did you hurt Julie? Tell me what happened?”
I shake my head slowly. “I don’t know.”
“Bullshit,” he says with a weary smile. “Something happened to make you so upset. Now tell me what it was.”
I pull away from him, desperately needing some space. “It was nothing. I just overreacted.”
I don’t want him to know how out of control my emotions are. I don’t want him to know that the words Brandon said cut me to the core. No one can ever know that I’ve been in love with an image of a man I had never met, or that he destroyed that image within minutes of speaking to me the first time.
Shane walks over to me and places his hands on my face. I manage not to flinch at his touch. “No, you didn’t. Everyone has a right to their feelings. I know this is about Brandon. Obviously, he hurt you. Now tell me what he did, so I can go beat his ass and not feel guilty about it.”
I look up into Shane’s eyes, and for the first time, I realize he’s not just cute. He’s a very handsome man. His hair is light brown with even lighter golden shades weaving through it. His eyes are the same chocolate brown as Jase and Matty’s, and they are every bit as beautiful as his brothers’. He is perfect, way too perfect for someone like me. “Do you think I’m disgusting?”
I’m not sure why I asked that question. It seemed to just pop out of my mouth. It’s a question I have been asking myself for years, but I’ve never asked anyone else what they thought. After what happened today with Brandon, I just needed to hear the answer from another person.
His hands tighten on my face, and his eyes fill with anger. “Did Brandon tell you that you were disgusting?” he barks out.
“No, he didn’t say that, but I could tell that’s what he was thinking. Dean always told me that no one would want me. Everyone would always know what I really am.” I end on a whisper.
“And what are you really?” Shane asks as his eyes search my face.
I can still hear Dean’s words echo through my mind. “I am trash. I’m disgusting. I’m not good enough for anyone to ever really love.”
“That is not true. Your brother was one crazy motherfucker. Sorry to say, but the world is a better place without him in it.” I watch as Shane lowers his face toward mine and raises my chin up to his face. “You are not trash, and I know someone that could love you more than you could ever fucking know.”
“Who?”
He face is so close to mine that I can feel his breath on my cheek. “Me.”
“You?”
“Yeah, Bethany. I could easily fall in love with you, if you’d just give me half a chance,” he says with a smile.
“Why?” My brain is not working. One word at a time is all I can handle.
“What?”
Anxiety bubbles up as I take in the ramifications of his words. Men don’t love me, not really. The men that were supposed to love me the most did nothing but hurt me. I do my best not to show the thoughts rushing through my head, but I don’t know how convincing I am. I feel like I’m breathing too hard, like each suck of oxygen isn’t enough. I finally gasp out the question again. “Why?”
Confusion clouds his face. “Why what?”
I’m barely holding on, staving off the anxiety I feel, by clenching my fists and concentrating on the feel of my fingernails digging harshly into my palms. The slight sting keeps me grounded to the here and now. “How could someone like you love someone like me?”
“Bethany, you are the nicest person I have ever met. You would do anything to help those you care about, and you are also one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on. Any man could fall in love with you,” he finishes with a whisper as he gently places his lips on mine.
Shane’s kiss is different than any other I have ever had. I’ve only been kissed two ways. Dean’s was all brutal force. He did his best to make ev
en the most subtle of touches cause me pain. Brandon’s kiss was full of all-consuming passion. I know there’s no way I’ll ever feel anything like it again. Shane’s kiss is different, sweet, and it makes me feel something I’ve not been brave enough to wish for – clean.
Lost in the pureness that Shane was giving me, I’m ripped from my moment of peace when a God awful roar ruins our moment. “Get the fuck away from her!”
Shane pulls me quickly behind him as he turns toward the voice. “What the hell, man?”
Looking around Shane, I see that Brandon is standing by the door. He’s panting heavily, and I swear anger is rolling off him in waves. I thought he was angry before, but he is furious now. The anxiety I had held at bay comes roaring back. Darkness starts to creep around the edges of my vision, and my fight or flight instinct is in overdrive. I know, just like when I was a child, fleeing and fighting aren’t an option. I’m stuck, with nowhere to go. Survival takes precedent, and my mind starts to shut down, just like it’s been programmed to.
“I said to get the fuck away from her!” he shouts at Shane again, and I jump at the booming sound, drawn back from wherever my mind was trying to take me.
“How about you go back outside and find someone more to your tastes? Bethany isn’t for you,” Shane mumbles out, obviously getting angry himself.
“Why don’t you let Bethany speak for herself?”
“I’m with Shane,” I say softly, quietly enough that it’s barely above a whisper. I’m not sure where the words come from; they seem to just slip out.
“Come again?”
“I’m staying with…Shane,” I mumble again, still confused at my own words.
“Fuck this,” he growls out before storming back outside. The slam of the door causes me to jump like a scared cat.
Having him walk away, leaving me alone with Shane was what I wanted, but for some reason, I feel abandoned. I wanted him to go, didn’t I? What in the world is happening to me? My inner turmoil makes me forget where I am. Shane’s voice brings me back to the moment, but his touch causes me to take a deep breath. I know he won’t hurt me. I do. It’s just another of my stupid hang-ups that I hate.