by L J Hadley
He pulls out his belt and I see it slide over his knuckles and I clench in anticipation, I await and I cannot wait for much longer, my hands are balled beside me…
‘You can touch yourself now.’ I hear the low growl of his order.
But I don’t.
His lips tighten, I hear his breath harden at my defiance, but then I see a slight nod, approval almost, that I’ve remembered, that I’ve contained.
Normal.
Till I hear the slide of his zipper, till I know that had he asked me now I’d have done it, because here he is and he kneels on the bed beside where I lie.
His eyes roam me, till I flush, till my skin pleads with him to just touch me.
‘Turn over’
I do.
I lie there, eyes closed, as his caress me.
Please touch me, my skin begs, please touch me now.
I feel the heat of his palm close to my bottom and I wriggle a little, I cannot breathe, my hand goes to move, to touch myself, to play with myself, but Luke halts it, he turns me over and I am flushed and breathless just from his gaze.
Luke lowers his head, his lips graze my stomach, and I moan. There are licks and kisses and with each stroke of his tongue I lie falling, I lie there growing weaker. He pauses at the scar, and I wonder if he lingers there with regret, if he wishes I could have had his babies.
I wish I had.
And then his mouth is moving and his tongue and lips caress my skin and each pore flares its response as the master returns, each pore begs him to move lower and slowly he does.
I feel the nip of his teeth in the blonde curls of my bush and my hands move to his hair. I want to guide him, but yet he lingers. He nips and he sucks at the small triangle of hair and it hurts and is delicious.
‘God, Portia…’ his face is nuzzling at my thighs, his lips are driving me crazy, his fingers slide inside and his thumb is on my clitoris, and now his tongue is there too, both working me to a frenzy, it is so intense, so concentrated and I want to watch, I wriggle up as his tongue chases me, as his fingers keep moving, I hold onto the bedhead and I look down at his tongue darting me and I shiver as little zaps of wet and dry are delivered rapidly as still his fingers slide in and out, as he builds me so rapidly and I try to hold on.
‘Come…’ He permits.
I close my eyes, I don’t believe him, because with one word he is telling me he has changed.
Maybe he has?
Perhaps all those years with Natasha…
Jealousy coils but I contain it.
His fingers are still working me, he climbs over and kneels between my legs and Luke lifts my sex to his face, he blows cool air on my heat and then his mouth kisses butterfly lips, nips and teases and sucks and then his tongue explores inside me, thrusts inside me, probes me and I start to moan louder yet still I try to hold on. I try to move back from his grip, because I don’t believe him -I lived for six weeks aside the warzone that is his mind - I know what’s allowed…
‘It’s okay…’ he tells me as I fight it, but then he is sucking hard at me, drinking from me, letting me….
I give into it and he takes it, I throb into his mouth and it is Luke that moans, I feel the purr from his throat on my sex, and my thighs feel the rip of tension in his shoulders, the growl of him that I’ve been nervously awaiting for as still I flicker to his tongue and I know he is angry, except his tongue is slowing, his mouth the bearer of tender intimate caresses and it is not the Luke I know.
He contains it now for me.
I meet his eyes.
I love his eyes.
I watch that sulking mouth move to a slow smile as he slides his body up to where my mouth awaits his, I taste myself on his tongue, I get the scent of myself on his face, and I love the perfume that we make, and so badly I want now to taste him… there is a small wrestle, I try to move, to lift myself, to lower myself to take in his lovely cock, but his weight pins me back down, and there are no hands required with Luke, his knee parts my thigh, and I watch his eyes shutter with relief as he thrusts into me. I have mourned and I have missed and I have tried but I have never been able to adequately, completely, recall the bliss of him within, every muscle attempts to stretch and greet, every receptor sobs to make the entrance easier and yet Luke speeds past them, and I hurt that delicious hurt again, and again as he thrusts hard into me.
‘Portia…’ He says my name over and over, as if he cannot believe we are here, his arms pin mine, his chest glides over me and I catch his flat nipple with my mouth and he hovers a moment, lets me suckle as with shallower beats he moves deep within. He licks at my ear, he says my name, his arms release mine and we tumble, side by side we face each other, scissor each other, and I kiss his face, I taste the salt in his brows, because he won’t let me there yet to taste the salt that I want, and we are two lovers, we are older, we are wiser and this we can do. My mouth finds his neck, I want to suck, for a moment I forget there can be no evidence of this coupling, but Luke remembers and he lifts my head back and I feel the tug on my scalp as he does. I aim for his neck again, but his fingers knot harder in and he starts to thrust deeper inside me, and then my hair is released. I am loose with excitement, I am with him again, and we are normal lovers, I can do what I want - I remember after the PTA, I remember my fingers inside me and what I was thinking and I turn in his arms till it is me looking down on him now. My knees astride him and I kiss that surly mouth, I feel the tension in his lips but I choose to ignore, he pushes my shoulders back and I look down his eyes more black than navy now.
‘Portia.’ He says my name and it’s different this time… low, ominous. He’s warning me to stop but I’m not listening, I am wild with abandon, and I ride him.
‘Did you miss me? I demand from him. ‘Did you miss me…’ I plead. But he lies there silent, his eyes watching me, his hands slamming me down onto him but then I am given free reign as Luke’s hands move to my breasts. He pinches my nipples and stretches them and I am ecstatic. He pinches them both and he pulls them till it hurts and then he pinches them harder and I grind onto him, and I am only thinking of me, of the lovely flare that flashes down my spine and then I look to him, my eyes beg Luke to please, come with me, that I’m sorry, that I’m wrong, but I can’t help it. My neck arches back and I pulse so deep and tight. I sob out my come and when I’m done, when I’m spent, still he is hard inside me and I know I’ve taken this too far, that I’ve gone too far, that my enjoyment was too much for Luke….
‘It’s okay, baby…’ he says as I start to cry, he takes me in his arms and he holds me, ‘Portia, it’s okay…’ He strokes my hair he reassures me, but I can feel him still hard on my thigh, I can feel his tension, the tension that zipped through his shoulders at my first come. ‘It’s okay…’ he soothes, but I know that’s it’s not, I was riding him, fucking him and I’ve come twice.
I know him.
Or a part of him.
I lied to myself - his eyes didn’t shutter with relief when he slipped inside me.
It was restraint.
And I forgot to be restrained.
‘I’m sorry…’ I tell him. ‘I just got carried away….’ I look into his eyes and I never want to be out of his gaze, ‘It’s just that I’ve missed you so much.’
‘I know.’
‘I love you so much.’ I tell him as his thumbs wipe my tears, he cuddles me into his chest and I am back on my favourite pillow, I am sweaty and weak and I am with him again, I want to get up to go for a pee, but I don’t want to leave him…
I run my fingers along his cock, I just stroke it lightly…
I lie there, stroking him, his cock is so beautiful, I have only one to compare it with, but it doesn’t compare, it is so solid and long and I missed it so. I run my finger along the thick vein. I run my finger over his tip and it moves to my command, I see it twitch and I love it so much. ‘Can I taste you?’
I don’t wait for an answer, and my mouth moves down his stomach, licking at the lovely trail
of dark hair, tugging it a little with my teeth, he holds my hair with one hand and I feel the sting of him tugging as he lifts my head over his cock, I am licking my lips, I open my mouth, but he is teasing me, holding me there hovering and I almost whimper to be let down and then I feel the snap of something cool on my wrist.
He jerks my head up.
He sees the shock on my face and I am shocked, we are rough sometimes, we’ve messed around with ties and things, but not this.
He lies me back on the bed, his breathing is harder and I can tell he’s pissed by my actions, he lifts my arm and he puts the cuff behind iron of the bedhead and his cock is waving over me and his balls are in my face for a second and I rub my lips on them as he lifts my other wrist and cuffs it and then he stands and looks down at me, watches me as I accustom myself to the new sensation.
I tug a bit…
I like it.
I like that I cannot move my arms.
I tug again and he’s looking down at me, and I smother the greedy smile on my face….
‘You’ve no idea what you’re messing with Portia.’
‘I want to though…’ I tell him. ‘I want to know what goes on in that head of yours…’
‘You don’t.’ He says. ‘You need to get some control back Portia.’ He says. ‘You need to think.’
I refuse to panic as he starts to dress.
It’s a game.
I know.
I know that he cares for me, I know he wouldn’t really hurt me.
I know.
He puts on his harness and picks up his gun and then he looks down on me.
‘I told you you’d be caught…’ He says. ‘I warned you and you didn’t fucking listen.’
He leaves.
I know he’s playing.
I know he’ll be back soon, I know that he wants me, he hasn’t even come yet and Luke has to come.
A lot.
I hear the door slam, but I know he’s still in the house and I lie there and I am still turned on. I lie there and I moan because I can’t touch myself, I wonder if he’s in the hall, watching me and I writhe a bit on the bed at the thought of him standing there stroking himself and watching me and then I still as I hear the slam of a car door and the engine.
I lie there and hear him drive off and it’s a game, I tell myself.
He’ll be back.
I know he will.
I look at the clock, it’s ten to two and I know he’ll soon be back, he knows I have to pick the kids up at half past three….
But he doesn’t have a key.
Chapter Six
I am starting to panic, I tug at the cuffs and I am lying on my bed naked and cuffed and there is no one in the house and I really do need to pee.
I didn’t at the restaurant, Luke just walked off.
He’ll be back, I soothe myself, but I am starting to cry.
He will have taken my keys. I am whimpering as I lie there, trying to reassure myself and then I hear an engine, hear footsteps, hear the doorbell and I can’t quieten my panic, especially when whoever it is drives off.
I am cold and I really need to pee. I am lying on the bed sobbing and it’s getting later.
For fuck’s sake, Rick might come home for something.
If I don’t pick up the kids Gina will and she’s got a key.
He is a sick bastard.
He told me that, he warned me that, I knew that, but I just chose not to know. I just ignored all the warnings - he is bad and he is dangerous and I hate him so much, I fucking hate his guts for leaving me like this…
I want normal, I want an affair, I want a lover, not this.
My eyes are stinging as I sob and I can’t wipe them, there is snot on my face and I can’t wipe that either, my arms hurt, my wrists kill. I am terrified that I will wet the bed, I am crying so loudly that I don’t even hear him coming up the stairs, I just see him come through the door, suited and dark and his features are hard and foreboding.
‘Bastard…’ I hurl at him. ‘You’re a fucking sick bastard….’
‘Told you.’
He gets on the bed and he opens my legs.
‘I hate you Luke….’ I hear the sound of his zipper, I look down and his cock is so hard and if a cock can be angry, then his is. I am sobbing and crying and he lifts my hips and he says it.
‘Say no.’
I want to.
I am so close to.
‘Say no, Portia…’
But to piss him off, again I defy him.
‘Fuck me!’ I say and then when he does I recant, because it is so hard and angry, it sears into me, and I sob, but he just keeps on, pulls me over and over down towards him, I feel every tug in my wrists, the metal cuffs clang and grind on the metal bed and he just goes on pulling me hard onto his massive cock. ‘I need to pee…’ I beg.
I am trying to hold on and not wet myself, for once I don’t even have to try to hold on to my come.
‘Luke please, I really need…’
He doesn’t answer. He looks down at me as he takes me. He is filling me and slamming into me and I am just trying to hold onto my pee, but I see his expression shift, he’s lost, he’s relaxing, and there is no restraint there now.
He is fucking me, finally Luke is fucking me properly again, how we like it, how I used to like it, but I am cross, I am cold and I need to pee and my arms are killing me. With every stab of him I feel as if my shoulders will come out of their sockets. I am holding on to not pee for dear life… he is wearing a suit, I can’t wet the bed, how the hell would I explain that? Every thrust hits not just my cervix but my bladder, it hurts to hold on, but there is a wave of confliction as I hear Luke’s ragged breathing, as I feel him move faster, as I warm to the friction within, as for Luke it builds, as he leads me to somewhere, where somehow we get to be free. I feel the pull low, low in my stomach, I want my hands free just so that I can grab him, I want my head to bite at his chest, I want him to do this forever. I am trying so hard to hold on… my arms and wrists are killing me, my body is on fire though and I pant to breathe. He rubs my stomach, I beg him to not, and yet everything is more intense, I feel the waves inside, I feel the every motion align – my arms, my pain, my heat and oh, the sound of Luke’s breathing as he starts to let go. I feel so much more – more than I ever have and not just in my stomach -my thighs are convulsing, my spine shoots electricity to the back of my neck and I arch and lift against his hands, I hear him groan but even as I start to shatter, still I have to focus, because I am scared that I’ll pee. It feels strange to be both holding on and letting go, and Luke likes my restraint, he pulls me tighter down to him, harder down to him, and it is so intense and so deep, and now, as I come, he takes it. Now, as I come, so to does he. He leans backwards, bucks faster and, then stills. He roars as if wounded, I know that he is, and then he calls my name.
‘Portia!’ He moans it as he shoots into me. ‘Portia…’ He says it again as he holds me still and pulses into me and I am sobbing and crying, my face is contorting, my body red and sweating and writhing and twisting against his strong hands and there’s nowhere I can go, no where else I want to be, other than the new places he helps me to find.
He crashes onto me, crushes me, he is still in me and he kisses me. Luke says my name over and over as if it too has lived on his lips all these years. His mouth leaves mine, his lips brush my cheek, and then his mouth is behind my ear and over and over he tells me he loves me.
We are back.
It is after.
I lie there a moment trying to catch my breath and as he undoes the cuffs as he kisses my sore wrists and rubs my sore shoulders, as I look down at the marks, the high that was there, dissipates. I remember what he did, how he left me on the bed, I remember the fear and the panic and I am angry again. I am back to how it was again, I am fully remembering for the first time since I saw him, just how bad things could be at times.
He carries me to the toilet and runs a bath while finally I pee.
I look down at my wrists, they are purple and hurt and I hurt deep inside of me too and I am so conflicted, I am lost between elation and shame and I don’t know that I can do this now.
He washes and dresses me and I cover my new bruises with a watch and bracelet and then he kisses me back to him, kisses me till I cry.
He opens a window in my bedroom, so the scent of us can leave.
He smooths the covers, he is always so particular, I can see now how good a detective he would be.
I am shaken as he takes me downstairs.
I am conflicted and guilty and I have to get to the school.
‘Soon.’ He wraps me in a throw rug and disappears and I can hear him, I know what he is doing, and a few minutes later he is back.
He feeds me soup with a hand that is completely steady. Tears spike my eyelashes and I stare into his eyes and the look he gives me is pure and tender, there is so much love between us now, so much patience and just so much he won’t tell me, so much I don’t understand.
‘You are beautiful.’ He tells me and tears stream down my face as he feeds me.
And then he stands - our tender time over.
‘Here.’ He goes in his pocket. ‘I got you a present.’
‘A phone?’
‘A fuck phone.’ He says and he smiles at my frown because I’ve never heard of that either. ‘You are so innocent, baby…’ He kisses me and then he is gone.
I make it to my car, I drive to school, but when I park instead of getting out I just sit there, I open a window and hear the noise and the chatter of a normal world. I scan the car park and I tell myself I am not the only woman, there will be so many people right here, right now, who have just come from a lover’s bed.
It’s an affair, I tell myself. And affairs are wrong, I know and I never would have had one with anyone other than Luke. I have and always will love him, but he’s so messed up and he messes me up to.
No.
I am staying in control this time.
I close my eyes, and try to calm myself, it isn’t messed up, it’s just an affair and so many people have them…
But it’s more.