by Unknown
“A man being brought back from the dead, and a guy parting the Red Sea?”
I nod.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Wow,” I say, hoping it doesn’t offend him. “That’s nice,” I add awkwardly.
He laughs, but it’s not in a condescending or angry way. “Can I ask you a question?”
I sigh, but it’s only fair if he gets to ask after I did. “Shoot.”
“I know believing in all of that takes faith… but is it so hard to believe in a supreme being, that there’s an intelligent designer of the universe?”
I can’t help but chuckle. “Yes, it is, because if there is some creator, they suck because this world isn’t the greatest place to live in. If that being exists, they’re not someone I want to talk to or ‘worship’.”
“I’ve found that most people who say they don’t believe, actually do, and they’re angry with things he allowed or didn’t allow to happen.” His warm sparkling eyes are soft, but this time they don’t comfort me.
“Most people who are angry I’m sure have a good reason for it,” I tell him quietly, ripping my gaze from his.
My phone rings, and I smile when I see it’s Davien. He’s one of the only things making me smile lately.
“I’ve got to take this,” I tell him, thankful for a break.
“Oh, no problem,” he says, standing from the barstool. “I’ll show myself out.”
I hate that he’s leaving when nothing’s been resolved. I wish he had never invited me. Then things wouldn’t be weird and seem unresolved.
“Um, what are you doing tomorrow?” I ask.
“Working.”
“How about coffee in the morning? A muffin at Starbucks?” I ask, hoping he sees it at an olive branch.
“Sounds like a good way to start my morning.” His smile is back, bright and brilliant.
“Great, eight-ish okay?” I ask.
“It’s perfect.”
Just like that, the awkward weirdness is gone, and I’m so glad.
3 months ago
It’s funny how life works. When Jax realized he was in love with Tiffany, it was one of the happiest days of my life. My best friend finally knew what I felt with Chassidy. He realized I wasn’t crazy or obsessed or no longer myself. I was just a man who had fallen in love.
The other reason was because that meant Kira Jacobs was officially out of my life. Kira wasn’t terrible, but she had a way of grating on my nerves by being super critical of everyone and everything.
Jax always said I didn’t appreciate her dry humor or her “sarcastic wit.” I didn’t. Nothing about it impressed me. What I did give her credit for was the way she could spot a person’s weakness. What I didn’t give her credit for was the way she could lock onto it and chip away at that person, comment by comment, critique by critique. So it’s ironic that what I couldn’t stand about her is also the reason why I’m meeting with her, why I need her.
That critical voice I couldn’t stand landed her a job as one of the most up-and-coming editors at Gillard Publishing, making her the perfect person to help me with what I need to do to save my marriage. I was surprised that she agreed to meet with me, but Jax says she still has a soft spot for him. Whatever it is they still share got me a meeting with her, even if it is costing me dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants in NYC.
She’s late. Not by much, but it irks me because I’ve been here for twenty minutes. I remind myself that she’s the one doing the favor and I have to swallow my bias against her.
“Bryce Bell.”
I look up and am a little taken aback. She’s still Kira, but she’s older. The short bob she used to wear is gone, replaced with long dark curls. Her thin face is fuller, which takes the edge off what I thought were sharp features, and she’s dressed in a form-fitting grey, blue, and white blouse. The condescending stare she used to give me is replaced with a tiny grin.
I stand and extend my hand, but she waves it away and hugs me. She’s surprisingly warm, as if we’re long lost friends instead of old tolerable acquaintances.
“It’s so good to see you!” she says cheerfully, more upbeat than I remember her being.
“It’s great to see you too. You look great.”
“Thank you,” she says, walking to her side of the booth. “You do too.”
“Thank you for meeting with me.”
“Oh, no problem. When Jax told me what you’re doing, it really touched me. I’m so glad he thought of me to help out. I want to be of help in whatever way I can,” she says, sounding completely genuine. “So tell me all about you and Chas.”
I swallow hard. I know for her to do what I need her to, she has to know it all. I knew that before I even asked to meet with her, but I still hesitate.
“Okay, how about I start with life as Kira knows it?” She tells me about her life in New York, how she fell in love with the city but gets homesick a lot, how she began to climb up the ranks of Gillard Publishing, and that she has a puppy named Maddy, a Morkie.
While she talks, I’m taken aback. Who is this person? This can’t be Kira “Mean Girl” Daniels. Her whole aura seems different. What happened? I’m starting to wonder if Jax was the problem. Whatever’s changed, I feel more at ease sharing things I’ve kept close to me, things that even my family or Jax don’t know about.
When I finish, I feel like a jerk for monopolizing our conversation, but she doesn’t look at me with contempt or exasperation—I know those looks from her well. I finally finish before dessert, and I’m shocked when I see her wipe away tears. No, she’s definitely not like the Kira I knew in college at all.
“Wow! I’m so sorry, Bryce. Chassidy didn’t deserve that. I can’t imagine what you both must be going through.” She takes my hand and squeezes, and it’s comforting. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of me. “We’re going to fix this. If she doesn’t feel like you understand her pain, this will show her you know exactly how she feels.”
I nod, hopeful and desperate to believe it will work. That it will give me my best friend back. She’ll have to see how much I love her and that I get it. Hearing someone else think the same, that it’s not crazy or a waste of time or can’t be done, is the reassurance that I need.
“Thanks, Kira. I really appreciate this.”
“I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” she tells me, her eyes soft but her tone warning.
“I don’t need it to be easy. I just need it to be possible.” I wonder if she sees the desperation in my eyes, hears it in my voice.
“Yes, it is.”
“Then let’s do this.”
Chassidy
“How much have you got down, luv?” Davien asks as I flop on my couch after Carter’s left.
“Not much more than when we last talked. I’ve had some distractions, but I promise it will be just me and my laptop for the next few days.”
“That actually makes me sad for you.” His grey eyes dance as he smiles.
“Don’t be. It’s probably what I need the most right now.” I sigh, thinking of how every time I’ve ventured out of the house lately, it’s pretty much been a disaster.
“Married life not as exciting as I hear?” he asks, his voice sitting square between amused and sarcastic.
Since Davien and I started talking, I’ve reprimanded him a couple of times for referring to my marriage in any way other than respectfully, but after seeing Bryce with Kira, it all seems pointless.
“It might be a little more overrated than I thought it would be,” I say quietly.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Enlighten me.” For the first time, his voice isn’t sarcastic, flirtatious, or amused.
I wonder if it’s appropriate, then I think of Bryce in our favorite restaurant, holding hands with Kira. I think of how he didn’t come after me, how he hasn’t even called me to try to explain or apologize, and I spill.
I don’t mean to tell Davien as much as I do, but it pours out in waves. E
verything from how we met to our marriage. I even tell him about how I lost Logan, how Bryce makes me feel when I’m around him, how I asked him for space, and the debacle at Maestro’s. He doesn’t interrupt once or ask any questions. If we weren’t on Facetime, I’d have thought he’d have hung up, he’s so quiet.
“I’m sorry about…”
I feel badly for putting him in a position where he has to find the words. I wonder if I’ve unintentionally crossed a line. “No, it’s fine. Not fine, but well, I’m just trying to look forward.”
He leans back in his chair. “I think you need a break.”
I laugh. “You’re the guy who just told me to buckle down and write.”
“No, I mean a real break. Put a pause on real life,” he says with a smile as wide as Lake Michigan.
“Are you offering me drugs?” I kid.
“Depends on what gets you high.”
I roll my eyes. His voice is deep and melodic, intoxicating as it always it, but I’ve been trying to become immune to it.
“You should come to New York.”
I laugh, but when I look at him, I see that he’s completely serious. “I-I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because…”
“Don’t say because you’re married. You and Bryce aren’t even sleeping in the same place.” He says it so casually, but it stings.
“Look, you just need to step back and forget about all of the problems you have, the weight you’ve been pulling around. Come to New York. I promise you, all your problems will seem minuscule when you get back home, and if you can’t be inspired here…”
“I just, I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I say, more to myself than him.
“Why? Scared you’ll have too good a time?”
I swallow hard. I look at the screen, but I avoid his eyes. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
“You deserve some fun, and you get me in tow. How can you say no?”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, feeling butterflies starting to fly in my stomach.
“The best food, the best museums, the best people, the best wine,” he continues.
I laugh at his pitching skills. “I’m so glad you’re my agent.”
“Oh, I haven’t even began to convince you yet,” he says huskily.
The butterflies in my stomach have invited their cousins over.
“Just say yes now and let me convince you in person.”
But I can’t go to New York, especially not to see him. It’s one thing to talk to him on the phone and text and flirt. It’s a whole other thing to get on a plane to another state to go see him. I can’t do that. Can I?
“Don’t you feel suffocated where you are? Why not take some time away? Let go, stop thinking so much, regroup.”
Honestly, it sounds like exactly what I need. “I promise to really consider it.”
He groans but looks at his watch. “You’ll let me know in 24 hours?”
“Okay,” I say with a nod.
When our Facetime ends, I shoot Nicole a text.
Are you free?
I wait a few minutes before my phone rings.
“Hey, babe! How are you doing? I’ve been so worried about you, I was going to bust your door down as soon as I made it back in town.” Her voice is full of empathy, and I realize I didn’t call her back after the dinner fiasco.
“I’m fine.”
“Have you talked to Bryce yet?”
I feel dumber by the second. “No, he hasn’t even called me.”
She inhales sharply. “That bastard! I can’t believe him. I never would have thought he’d be like this. What do you want to do, hon? I know a ton of divorce lawyers.”
“Nicole, slow down a minute. I wasn’t calling to talk about Bryce… I was actually calling you to talk about Davien.”
“The agent guy?”
“Yeah. Um, he invited me to come to New York.” I feel as if I’m holding my breath.
“Get out!” she says, her tone going from urgent and empathetic to excited.
“Yeah, and it sounds nice and exactly like what I need but…”
“There is no but. It’s exactly what you need. Revenge! I think it’ll help a lot. If he wants to go to fancy dinners with other women, you can go out of town with another man.”
“Really?” I don’t know why I ask that. Nicole always says exactly what she means the first time.
“Yes really! And if you happen to screw him, well, things happen.”
I cringe.
“And you’d better not feel a shred of guilt about it!”
I laugh, but my thoughts drift to Kelsey. She balances our little trio, and she’d be screaming right now if she heard what Nicole just said.
“I was thinking of going to sight-see, have dinner, not hopping into bed with him.”
“Okay, whatever you say, hon. I don’t judge. But speaking of hopping into bed with people, how is your adorable neighbor? I’m pissed at Bryce for making us go all psycho in the restaurant before I got the chance to let him know how welcome he was to take me out on a date.”
I bite my lip and sit on the bed. “Well, he came over the next day to return some things I left at the restaurant and we talked, and guess where he invited me?”
“If you tell me he’s into you, I’m going to scream,” she says, her voice dropping an octave.
I laugh. “No, that’s not it at all. You wouldn’t guess in a million years where he invited me.”
“If you say to a gay club, I’m going to throw a freakin’ fit,” she growls, and I really laugh.
“No, at least that would have been entertaining.”
“Okay, where then?”
“To church.”
“You’re kidding,” she says, letting out a short laugh.
“No, not in the least. He said it was a surprise. Well it wasn’t really a surprise, but he didn’t tell me where we were going. I assumed it’d be somewhere fun, like a bar or a club he was performing at. I guess it was technically, since he’s a member of their band.”
She’s laughing so hard, I can’t help but join in.
“Wow, how was it?” she asks.
“I didn’t go in. I told him I wasn’t into it and sort of ran away.”
She bursts into laughter again. “I can’t believe you did that! You just ran off?”
I nod even though we’re on the phone and she can’t see me. “Like you would have gone in.”
“Um, yeah, I would have. Did you see anyone else there? Because if they’re making guys like that, maybe I should go check out a service,” she teases.
I scrunch up my face. “You don’t go to church.”
“No, but if someone invited me, I wouldn’t have run away screaming.”
“So you think I overreacted?” If this was Kelsey on the phone, of course I’d expect to be scolded, but I didn’t think Nicole would make fun of me about this.
“Uh, yeah. Why didn’t you stay?”
“I don’t believe in that stuff. It seemed more respectful for me to leave than stay and think about how pathetic everyone was for being there.”
“Well if you put it like that…” She giggles. “Have you told Kelsey about this? If you haven’t, I have to be there when you do.”
The sinking feeling in my stomach comes back. I haven’t told Nicole that I’ve been pretty much ignoring Kelsey because I’m still pissed about our last conversation. “No, not yet. I’m still shocked that you would have gone in.”
“Because I’m obviously an evil witch and would burst into flames the moment I stepped in?”
“You know that’s not what I meant. I just thought…” I try to think of the best way to say it.
“I can understand you being caught off guard, and if it’s not your thing, that’s okay, but to just leave him hanging was a little rude, maybe? And since when do you not believe in God?” she asks.
I swallow hard. I don’t want to go into the subject I’ve been trying not to think about. “Sin
ce when did you start believing?” I don’t ever recall her talking about faith or going to church or anything like that.
“I never said I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in religion, but I don’t think we’re here by accident. I just don’t want to get caught up in names and rules and all of the other things that make this world a much worse place to live in. So if someone invited me to church, mosque, or temple, I’d go, especially if they’re as hot as Carter.”
“Wow, now I feel like a big jerk.”
“More like a weirdo than a jerk,” she teases. “Have you talked to him since?”
“Yeah, he sort of apologized. We’re supposed to go for coffee tomorrow morning.”
“Make sure you put a good word in for me. Tell him I’d be happy to be of service to him any time,” she says suggestively, and I roll my eyes.
“Good-bye, Nicole,” I say with a laugh.
“Booo. Call and let me know what you decide about New York.”
“I will,” I promise.
I’m going.
Well, I’m thinking of going.
I’ve been back and forth for the past two days. I’ve decided that if I do go, it would only be for the weekend. Fly out Friday night and be back home bright and early Monday morning. That’s if I go.
I look at my packed bag hidden in the back of my closet. I’m not even sure who I’m hiding it from. Bryce isn’t here. I haven’t even heard from him, and that’s a thought I’ve been burying under the floor in my mind. After everything that’s happened, I’m not sure why I’m still questioning going. I’m a woman who found her husband on a date with another woman and hasn’t heard from him since.
It’s a trip to NYC, somewhere I’ve never been and where my agent is. My agent who is flirtatious and attractive and seductive. He’s a character straight out of a romance novel, but I’m not single and open to being swept away. If I were writing this story, it’d be easy. My character wouldn’t be married but newly single, fresh out of a terrible relationship. Davien would fall deeply in love with me and change all of his ways, and we’d live happily ever after together.
But this isn’t a story I’m writing. This is real life, and I’m the main character, married to a husband who was supposed to be my Prince Charming. Except in this reality, he’s not acting like a prince, and I don’t deserve to be a princess, and our kingdom is full of regret, guilt, and loss. That’s why I need to go. It’s why I need to get out of this house and out of this state. It’s too much.