“I’d love to, but I have some stuff to catch up on at home. What about tonight?” He should be back in control by then.
She made a dismayed face. “It’s wash-and-go night.”
“So? Your hair will need drying time. We could watch a movie or something,” he said.
Putting a hand to her hair, which just brushed her shoulders, Brooke said, “I don’t know if I want you to see me that way yet.”
“Come on. It’s going to happen sooner or later,” Robert said. “You’re beautiful no matter what.”
Her shy attitude was endearing because it revealed her vulnerable side. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“All right,” she said, grudgingly. “But if you make one wisecrack about my hair, I’m tossing you out on your ass.”
He leaned over and kissed her lush lips. The contact with her soft mouth almost made him reconsider staying, but he’d better not press his luck. “I’ll see you around six?”
“Six is fine.”
“Do you like Chinese?” he asked.
Her eyes lit up. “Love it.”
“Great. I’ll bring us a smorgasbord.”
Leaning further into him, she caressed his shoulders and ran a hand up his neck. “Bring a change of clothes for tomorrow while you’re at it.”
Her invitation was clear and he couldn’t refuse it. “I’ll do that.”
Her kiss brought out a tempest of passion in him and once again Robert was hard-pressed to resist staying. Their embrace ended slowly and they rested their foreheads against each other.
“Six?” Brooke whispered.
“Six,” Robert confirmed.
With a parting smile, she got out and walked up the porch steps. The enticing sway of her hips made Robert blow out a breath before he put the car in reverse and backed out of her driveway.
* * *
Working at home that afternoon, Robert decided to discuss a sensitive topic with Brooke before things became serious between them. Correction; before she became serious about him. He was in love with Brooke, but when she learned he did not want children, he was pretty sure it would be over. He didn’t want Brooke to fall for him and then get hurt by his life choices, so he needed to have a very tough conversation—tonight.
After Cletus’ escape act the previous night, Robert had decided to check the rest of the wooden pasture fencing for weak places. The manual labor kept his demons at bay for a while, but eventually, they seeped out through the crack in the lid of the mental box where Robert had imprisoned them.
A combination of things had triggered the agonizing memories; loving Brooke so much that he’d begun envisioning a future with her and the fact that he didn’t want kids. However, he knew that Brooke did, so they needed to discuss whether their relationship could last despite their different stances.
Robert had been looking forward to the evening with Brooke, but as he finished his chores, his anticipation turned to dread because he was on the brink of losing the only woman he’d ever truly loved.
Chapter 16
Brooke had intended doing her hair towards evening, but she’d been so sweaty from all the physical exertion that she couldn’t wait to shower.
Brooke grew concerned when 6:15 came and went. It wasn’t like Robert to be late. She texted him, but he didn’t respond, so she called him.
“Sweetheart, where are you?” she asked when his voicemail picked up. “I hope everything is okay. Call me back.”
A car pulled into her driveway as she hung up. Looking out the front window, she smiled in relief as she saw that it was Robert. She stepped onto the front porch and waved at him. When he didn’t get out, she frowned and started down the steps.
* * *
Paralyzing fear froze Robert as Brooke approached his car. His fight or flight instinct made him want to back out of her driveway and speed away. But the considerate, responsible part of him wouldn’t allow that.
He hit the button to roll down the window as she came to his door.
“What’s wrong?”
Seeing Chase and Anna so happy with their babies…he couldn’t help it. The terrible memoires had risen from the grave to haunt him. It had been over a year since he’d had a panic attack but he could feel one so close his breath began to come in short gasps.
“I shouldn’t have come,” he said. “I’m not feeling well.” He hated his cowardice.
The concern in her eyes deepened his guilt. “Come inside. I’ll get you feeling better.”
“N-no. You might catch it,” he said and then pounded on the steering wheel.
Brooke jumped and took a step back. “Robert, why are you so mad?”
“I’m sorry. I hate lying.”
Her brow knitted in confusion. “Lying about what?” She put her hands on her hips. “Get out of the car, Robert. Now. We’re going inside and you’re going to tell me what happened.”
Her authoritative tone made him smile a little. “Okay.” He pulled the keys out of the ignition and exited the car.
Brooke took his hand and smiled up at him. “Whatever it is, we can deal with it.”
I doubt it. “Okay.”
Despite his growing disquiet, Robert allowed Brooke to lead him into her house. They went to the living room and she had him sit on the couch.
“How about a little wine while we talk,” she said.
“I could kill for a beer?”
“There’s plenty in the fridge. When I get back you can tell me who has upset you.”
He watched her as she went to get his beer and tried to pull himself together. “I had to come to do this before I chickened out,” he responded. “We have to talk.”
On her return Brooke’s expression turned apprehensive. “It must be important as I’ve never seen you so upset.”
That’s because for the last few months he’d managed to suppress his past, but the birth of the triplets triggered his painful guilt. Seeing the happy family just reinforced the decision he’d made not to have children was the right one. He could not go through the pain again, it would kill him.
Robert decided to get right to the point. “Look, I’m really serious about you, but I have to tell you something.”
She straightened her spine and a guarded look settled on her lovely features. “Okay. Go ahead.”
“I don’t want children,” he blurted. “I thought you should know before things continue between us. It wouldn’t be fair for you not to know.”
Her mouth opened a little and then shut again. She remained silent for several moments. “You don’t want kids right now or ever?”
“Ever.”
“Why?”
Robert’s insides shook. “Because I lost a son and I can’t go through that again.”
* * *
Stunned, Brooke gasped and gripped the couch cushion as a curious numbing sensation overcame her. At first, she thought that it was some sort of cruel joke, but the agony in Robert’s eyes convinced her that he was dead serious.
She swallowed past the sudden thickness in her throat. “You had a son? You were married?”
“I had a son, but I wasn’t married. My college girlfriend, Kelly, got pregnant.” Robert rubbed his hands together with nervous energy. “We got drunk one night and I forgot to wear a condom. I didn’t know that she’d run out of birth control and didn’t refill her prescription. She lied and told me that it was okay.”
He gave a short, bitter laugh. “Turned out that she was trying to trap me. I would’ve married her, too, but a month after L…” His voice gave out. “A month after Liam was born, she decided that she didn’t want to be a wife and mother. So, there I was, a single father at nineteen.”
Brooke wasn’t surprised that Robert would’ve married out of a sense of duty. What did surprise her was that Robert hadn’t mentioned this before. Why did he never talk about his son? He must have died a while ago now. Kate never mentioned a thing. “That must have been so hard for you.”
Tears welled in
his eyes as a tremulous smile curved his mouth. “You’d think so, but I fell in love with him the moment I first held him. He was the best thing I’d ever done and I never thought of him as a mistake.
“A few weeks after Liam was born, Kelly took off. Signed away all her rights to him and disappeared. I never saw her again. I worked my ass off in college. I went to school during the day and worked a part-time job at night and on Saturdays. I spent every Sunday with him and as much time as I could during the week. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but it was all worth it.”
Brooke smiled a little. “I’m sure you were a wonderful father.”
His face reddened, anger flashing in his eyes. “I was. Everything I did was for him. I wanted to give him everything he could ever want or need. But the mountain took him from me. Stole the one thing that mattered most to me in life.”
Unsure whether to touch Robert, Brooke remained still even though she wanted to comfort him. “What happened?”
His breathing grew labored and he plowed a shaky hand through his hair. “The summer after I graduated, I landed a good administrative assistant job with a legal firm in Denver. I really liked it there, but I got tired of the city and I wanted Liam to experience nature.
“So, I’d take him hiking on Sundays. Just on easy trails. I was still overweight and couldn’t do the harder trails, especially with having Liam along. I wanted to get healthier for his sake, so I started exercising.” His hands clenched. “I wish to God I’d never taken him that day!”
“Robert, we can’t see the future,” Brooke said.
Robert went on as though she hadn’t spoken. “I should’ve known better.”
The agony in his voice made Brooke’s chest constrict with sympathy.
“I had to pee so I took Liam behind some bushes so I could go,” Robert said. “He was four and rambunctious. He didn’t want to stay with me. He ran on ahead.”
“Children do that.”
“He got away from me and ran off.” His face turned pink again. “I kept yelling for Liam to come back. I could hear him laughing about something and I tried to see what he was doing but the trees blocked my view.”
He took a deep breath.
“Anyway, by the time I finished and found him, he was chasing a butterfly back and forth towards the edge of a cliff. He kept jumping for it, getting closer to the drop off. I didn’t bother yelling at him, just started running.” Robert put a hand on his stomach and squeezed it hard. “I cried out but I was too late. He jumped and tripped on a couple of rocks. He fell and slid right over the side.”
“Oh, my God.” Brooke’s lips trembled as she saw it in her mind.
The couch vibrated as Robert shook harder. “I got to the edge and I saw him about twenty feet below me, hanging onto this little tree. It was barely bigger than a twig. I told him to hang on, that Daddy would help him. My cellphone was in the car, so I ran back to get it, and then back to him.
“The cell reception sucked and I couldn’t get a call out. I didn’t have any rope with me and there weren’t any other trees or anything for me to use to get down to him. I even got a couple of blankets out of the car and tied them and my belt together, but they weren’t long enough. He got tired, and I knew he wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer.” Robert took off his glasses and pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. “He kept screaming for me to help him. I can still hear him.”
“I did the only thing I could think of; slide down to him. If I could reach him, I could at least shield him with my body while we fell. Somehow, I managed to aim just right and I grabbed him. I hit a couple of boulders on the way down and I couldn’t hang onto him.” A sob burst from him. “We flew in opposite directions. My head cracked against another rock and that was the last thing I knew until I woke up the next day.”
Brooke cried freely at this point, overcome with empathetic grief for a little boy she’d never met. Her heart shattered for Robert’s horrible loss.
“After the funeral, I found it difficult to go on,” Robert said. “My reason for living was gone and I died inside.”
Brooke took one of his hands. “What made you decide to start living again?”
“This old woman, Donna. When she heard my story, she told me not to be like her and give up. She’d also lost a child, so she understood my pain. She’d turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.”
Brooke squeezed his hand. “I can understand that, anything to take the pain way.” Her mother did the same thing to drown out her husband’s infidelity.
“She said that I should help other people who might find themselves in the same kind of situation. To not let Liam’s death be in vain. I’ll always be grateful to her for that advice.” He took a shuddering breath.
“After a lot of thought, I figured the best way to help others was to become an expert climber and save people from dangerous situations like the one that took Liam from me.
“I wasn’t going to let the mountain kill anyone else. Two months later I met Kate at a rock climbing class. I thought she was really pretty, but I was too shy to ask her out. One of our mutual friends set us up, but we had zero romantic chemistry. We clicked as friends right away, though. Then she met Phil, and we all became inseparable. You know the rest.”
Emotional exhaustion dulled his eyes and slumped his shoulders. Brooke squeezed his hand. “Robert, I’m so, so sorry. There’s no greater pain than a parent losing a child, especially in such a horrible way. I can’t even begin to imagine. Does Kate know?”
Robert shook his head. “No. Just you.” He sniffed, brushed away his tears, and put his glasses back on.
“Why didn’t you ever tell her?” Brooke couldn’t understand why he hadn’t confided in his best friend.
“I almost did a couple of times, but I just couldn’t. I was too afraid that talking about Liam would bring back all the pain,” Robert said. “I just kept it all bottled up inside and pretended that it hadn’t happened.” His torment-filled eyes met hers. “What kind of person hides the memory of their child, pretends that he never existed when he was the greatest joy in their life?”
Many things about Robert were starting to click into place for Brooke. Robert’s insecurity about himself, his drive to be the best climber possible, the way he cared about other people, and his awkwardness with women all made sense now.
The first adult woman he’d been serious about had royally screwed him over and she hadn’t been the last woman to hurt him. He didn’t believe that he was worthy of a woman’s love and he couldn’t see that he had so much to offer someone.
“Robert, you did what was necessary to survive. It’s not that you don’t love Liam, you love him so much that you think talking about him will cause you pain,” Brooke said. “But believe it or not, the more you talk about him, the easier it’ll get.”
“I’d like to talk about him,” Robert said. “Do you want to see a picture of him?”
Brooke’s heart broke at the hope in his voice. “Of course, I want to see your little boy.”
Robert took his phone out of his back pocket and brought up Facebook. In a moment, he handed the phone to her. The photo album name said, “My Little Man” and was set to private. Brooke blinked away tears so she could focus on the pictures.
Robert’s face might have been fuller and his body thicker, but Brooke thought that he was still a handsome man. His eyes shone with laughter as he carried Liam on his shoulders. Whoever had taken the picture had caught Liam in mid-laugh and Brooke smiled at how sweet he was.
“He looks just like you, Robert. Such a beautiful little boy,” she said, scrolling through the pictures. “I wish I could’ve met him.”
Robert propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “Me too,” he said and broke into tears.
Brooke sat his phone on the coffee table and wrapped her arms around him. Suddenly, he enveloped her in a crushing embrace and sobbed against her.
Chapter 17
Robert’s head pou
nded when he woke the next morning. He didn’t have a hangover, but his emotions had been put through the blender. Squinting at the bright sunlight, he looked to his left, right into the face of a purring cat.
“Hi, Buster.”
He scratched the cat’s ears and then sat up. Brooke’s already blurry room started spinning so he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply a couple of times. Clearing his throat, he winced at the scratchy pain it caused. Crying yourself hoarse will do that.
He jumped when his cellphone rang and felt like his head was being cleaved in two at the loud sound. Picking up the phone, he was shocked to see that it was after ten. His thumb hovered over the answer button as he considered whether to answer Kate’s call.
She was probably pissed and worried about him and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to deal with her questions. With a resigned sigh, he picked up.
“Hi, boss.” He attempted a jovial air, but it sounded hollow to his own ear. “So, turns out that I’m going to be late today.”
“I’ve been calling you for hours,” Kate said. “Brooke says that she left you at her place. Are you still there?”
“Yeah. I just woke up. I was kind of out of it. I never heard my phone,” he said.
“You sound like shit. Did you guys get drunk last night?”
Robert stood up and then looked around for his glasses. “No. We were just very, um, active, and I overslept.”
“You could have rung?”
Her attitude made his temper flare; especially knowing she was right. “You know what? I’m a grown-ass man, Kate, and I don’t need you keeping tabs on me. I’m always at work, even when I’m sick. So, I don’t show up one morning? Big deal! I’ll grab a shower and be right the fuck there. Won’t happen again, boss.”
He hit the end button and located his glasses on the nightstand by the side of bed where he’d been sleeping. He stuck them on and made his way to the bathroom. Looking over the choice of soaps in Brooke’s shower, Robert decided that the cucumber melon would be the least girly scent.
Need Me (Coopers Creek Book 4) Page 14