“That’s my husband,” Anna said.
“I’m sure he would love to hear about your woman,” he said and made no attempt to leave.
“Don’t blackmail me,” she said. It wasn’t going to matter if he did even though Iris had obviously changed her mind. She would still talk to Erik but she needed to be in control of the communication. It shouldn’t come from a student of hers. “That’s not what I would expect from someone who wants to move into my house,” she continued.
His facial expression changed then, from arrogant to almost sweet.
“So I can move in?”
“Tomorrow,” she lied. “I need time to prepare your room.”
She could hear Erik opening and closing the car door. He would be there any minute and she needed Daniel out of the way. Otherwise the conversation she was going to have with him would start on the wrong foot. He couldn’t stand students turning up unannounced.
Daniel looked at her as if he were assessing her. “Don’t mess with me,” he said. He grabbed hold of her shirt and when they were face to face, he said through gritted teeth. “I will live here, I will eat at your dinner table and I will fuck you when you’re ready to accept that.”
His words slapped her in the face and she instinctively pushed him.
“I’ll be back,” he said and walked off.
When Erik turned up at the door, her pulse was still racing. “What’s up?” he asked.
She felt fear. I will fuck you when you’re ready to accept that.
“Nothing,” she said, her heart beating fast. “It’s nothing. I just thought I heard someone.”
“No burglars,” he said. “Just me.”
She sat down, attempting to regulate her breathing, and told Erik she needed to speak to him.
“Sounds ominous,” he said. “What’s it about?”
He seemed annoyed and a panic attack washed over her. She couldn’t do this now. “Let’s talk later.” She needed fresh air.
“What?”
“I’ll just be an hour. I need to dash down to the school to collect something.”
“School? Now?”
Where else could she go? If she went outside, Daniel might follow her. She needed to go to her safe haven, where she could unlock a door with her access card and then lock the door behind her. Where no one else would be at this hour. She needed solitude.
She grabbed the car keys and headed out before Erik could say anything further. Driving normally soothed her but she kept looking left and right for signs of Daniel on his bike.
Like someone on the run, she rushed from her car to the school building, quickly swiping her card and entering the building, then pulling the door closed behind her.
But even though she was alone at a desk, with only a dim light on, she couldn’t find a sense of peace. She tried to call Kent but he didn’t pick up. Should she call Iris? While debating whether she wanted to talk to her, the words in the email still raw and hurtful, Iris called her. Her name flashed on the screen and Anna felt her protective wall give way. She answered.
“Hi Anna, sorry to disturb you. Can you talk?”
“Sure.”
“Did you speak to Erik? I don’t want to put any pressure on you, I just thought that perhaps you wanted to talk about it?”
“What does it matter?”
“What do you mean? I thought this weekend… “ Iris paused and Anna felt the tears on her cheeks. She was already mourning Iris. “I thought,” Iris continued. “I guess I thought I was Terry in Loving her and that you were Renay but instead of moving in with your daughter you would be bringing Sebastian and Lukas. Was that naïve?”
Iris’s way of sending mixed messages angered Anna.
“Do you always interpret life through novels?” she asked.
“Great novels are a reflection of life,” Iris replied.
“Are they?” That wasn’t Anna’s experience. “Everything seems so much easier in novels.”
“Anna, what’s going on? Did he take it badly… or did you not tell him?”
Anna scoffed. “Why would I tell him anything?”
Iris was quiet. Did she feel bad about the email? Because she should, especially after such a magical time together.
“Did you have a bet with someone?” Anna asked. “Your husband perhaps. To see if you could make a straight woman love you? Oh no, silly me, you’ve obviously had sex with married women before, so that can’t be it. So why do it?”
“Anna… are you saying that you love me?”
That’s what Iris picked up from her outburst? “You’re so fickle,” Anna said frustrated. “So what if I’m not good enough in bed?”
That’s when the dam completely broke and the tears started flooding for real. She grabbed a tissue from a packet on the desk.
“Anna,” Iris said. “What are you talking about?”
Iris just didn’t get it. Anna blew her nose and said: “Iris, let me translate this into your own language, namely literature. I’m like Anna Karenina to you. You toy with me but when I’m about to ask my husband for a divorce you change your mind, and I’m the one who will be scorned by society. Or perhaps you thought I was Madame Bovary? Well, let me tell you that I am not as desperate as her. I was not just seeking an adventure.” She paused and took a deep breath but she wasn’t finished. “The fact that both of these women die is perhaps an indication of where this is heading.”
“Anna, stop,” Iris said. “Please, just stop. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I love you and I have left Rolf. I was simply calling to see how your conversation with Erik went. If you’re trying to tell me that you changed your mind, then just say so. I’m a big girl.”
“Me changing my mind? You’re the one who… oh, wait let me just…” She scrolled through her emails. “Oh, here it is. ‘After this weekend, the sex… well, I’m not sure you’re up for this. I don’t want to see you again’. That’s a pretty clear message so there is really no need to call me to see how I’m doing.”
She wanted to hang up but couldn’t. Deep down she wanted Iris to apologise and say that she hadn’t meant it like that.
“Anna, I haven’t sent you an email,” Iris said. “I don’t think I even know what your email address is.”
Denial was worse.
“Really,” Anna said. “So [email protected] just happens to be someone who knows about us having sex up against the library photocopier.”
“Oh, dear God.”
“Exactly.”
It was supposed to feel good, to feel justified, but she just felt a permeating sadness.
“Anna, please trust me. That was not from me. I am fully committed to you.”
Was that possible? Anna tried to piece it together. If it hadn’t been sent by Iris, could it have been from Daniel? Was it one of his other games?
“I’ve got to go,” she said. She needed to call Kent again.
“Anna, wait. Where are you? You sound really upset. I’m coming to see you right now.”
“No, don’t. I’m at school but I need to go home and talk to Erik, to get it over with.”
“Okay. And Anna…”
“Yes?”
“I really do love you.”
Anna still felt bruised, and also confused. Had Iris really not sent that email? She wanted to believe that it was from anyone but Iris. She needed to move on. Finding the courage to be true to herself, she said: “I love you too.”
Anna wiped her tears and called Kent but there was still no reply. She sent him a text message Call me when you get a chance please. She needed to talk to him about Daniel and brainstorm what she was going to tell the principal the next day.
She stood up to leave. The deserted teacher’s lounge felt foreign. Perhaps she wouldn’t be coming back here? Maybe she would have to move and start over somewhere else? The thought made her sad.
She went to the bathroom and checked her make-up. Her face was swollen and her hair a mess, and she wanted to look approachable when she fa
ced Erik. She combed through her hair and pulled out a lip-balm from her handbag.
When she left the building and walked towards her car, she heard footsteps behind her. She turned around and saw someone she recognised.
Chapter 63 – Iris
March 2016
Leaving Rolf had been easy. Despite their many years together, Iris had always felt that the time spent with others had meant less time cementing their own foundation. Obviously, she would always care for him; he had taught her so much, most importantly, confidence.
Jealousy hadn’t really been an issue when she was married to Rolf, at least not after the first couple of years. By then she had adjusted to the marriage set-up. Now, however, Iris felt an irrational jealousy towards Erik, a man she hadn’t even met. She felt threatened by the fact that he was Anna’s age and at one point he had obviously made her feel loved enough to want marriage and children.
Niggling at the back of her mind was the fact that Anna hadn’t been in touch since the previous evening, when she called her from the school. Despite Anna finally declaring her love, it had seemed under duress. Had she changed her mind since? Had the callous email about the sex not being good enough scared her away? She hadn’t explained to Anna that Rolf was the likely sender; it would have revealed too much about her complicated marriage. At least now Iris was free of her soon to be ex-husband’s twisted ways.
To stop herself from worrying, Iris thought about their weekend away. Anna’s inquisitive eyes, the mounting passion and how adventurous she had become. There was a never-ending sense of exploration between them.
She hadn’t imagined it. They had a connection. Surely Anna would get a divorce? Iris couldn’t imagine Anna going back to her loveless marriage, and the student threatening her had actually done Iris a favour. There would be no more secrecy.
Even if Anna didn’t leave Erik, it wouldn’t change anything with Rolf. She had made her decision, and Rolf would come around. They would be friends, she was sure. No more sex though and she was okay with that.
“Your father and I are taking a break,” she told Karin.
“Are you getting divorced?” She sounded unexpectedly non-emotional about it.
“Probably.”
“At least you won’t have to fight over custody,” Karin said.
Iris ignored the sarcasm. She wanted Karin on board.
“We’re still friends,” she explained. “We will spend your birthday together.”
“Really? I spoke to Dad and I think you have some making-up to do.”
He had beaten her to it then. “I guess.”
“I mean, come on, Mum. Are you a lesbian now?” Her tone was growing harder. “Plus she’s like half your age. Are you having a mid-life crisis?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Of course not. It’s different, isn’t it? Everything is always different with you and Dad.”
“We love you.”
“Really? But you don’t give a shit about my reputation? It’s bad enough having a father who is controversial for the sake of it. At least he used to have a message. ‘Save the planet, love each other’. But now every painting is a bloody mess! No pun intended. And now you…”
Finally Karin stopped for air and Iris gasped. She had never heard Karin speak badly about her father and although it probably should have upset her, it made her feel slightly better. She needed to capitalise on this new-found neutralisation of their relationship before it tipped over.
“I’m just following my heart,” Iris paused. “Her name is Anna. Even if I hadn’t met her, I still would have left. Our relationship was once built on a mutual understanding…”
“Of sleeping with others, yeah, I know.”
Iris pretended not to hear. “But then it became cheap.”
The word ‘cheap’ hung between them like a tattered old T-shirt on a laundry line. They sat in silence but at least Karin didn’t hang up.
“I’m happy,” Iris said.
“So it’s going to be you and her?”
“I don’t know.”
They promised to speak again the next day. Despite Karin’s belligerence, Iris felt closer to her daughter. Rolf could no longer monopolise the time with their daughter. Now Iris would form her own bond with her.
Iris had Googled the phone number for the painting company Erik worked for. It was incredible how easily accessible everything was these days.
“I need my apartment painted,” she said. “By Erik Berg. I hear he’s the best.”
The apartment did need painting and someone had to do it.
“I’m sorry, he’s on leave at the moment.”
“Oh.” Anna had never mentioned a holiday. Could she really go from one get-away to another so effortlessly, as if the first one didn’t mean anything? Or was it an emergency trip to fix the marriage?
“When will he be back?” Iris asked.
“We’re not sure.”
“Right… well, how long did he ask to be on leave for?”
“He didn’t exactly…”
“I see. Erm… I’m a friend of his wife’s and I promised I would only ask for him.” A white lie was like a companion, a trusted friend.
She needed to have met Erik, to see whether they would all be able to get along. Even though Rolf was upset at the moment, she knew he would come around. Would Erik?
“Look, I’m really sorry,” the man on the phone said. “Anna is in the hospital… she’s been attacked.”
Chapter 64 – Rolf
March 2016
Rolf brought Iris lunch but she didn’t eat, the fork playing with the spaghetti, moving it around like a picky child. She wasn’t sulking, she was just calm and composed and he realised this wasn’t about Lena or Frida or even about them anymore. Iris was really through with him. The realisation was a major blow.
“I don’t know what to tell the police,” she said. “Should I call them and tell them I knew her? Would that help?”
He didn’t like the idea of her getting involved with the police.
“If you don’t have to, I wouldn’t,” Rolf said. “I mean, you can’t help them anyway.”
Her facial expression was pained.
“There was this… thing she told me about, someone threatening her. I should tell them.”
Rolf had a different opinion: he wanted them to forget that this woman had ever existed.
“I don’t know, Iris. In my experience, you stay away from the police unless they contact you.”
“No one knew that we were friends, I don’t think they will contact me.”
“That’s good, Iris. Hopefully that means you won’t have to get involved.”
“But Rolf,” she said. “I want to help.”
“I know you do and I’m sorry about her being in the hospital,” he said. “But you need to face reality… even if she wakes up, she might not leave him.”
At first she didn’t say anything but when he reached a hand across to touch hers, she withdrew her hand, saying: “I’m more concerned about her recovering.”
“I’m sure she will, she seems like a healthy and strong woman.” He paused for effect. “I mean up close.”
She looked up and loosened her grip on the fork, which bounced off of the plate and onto the floor. He leaned down to pick it up, letting her wait for an explanation, a strong need to torture her.
“How exactly do you know that?” she asked, her words barely audible.
“I’m just joking,” he said.
“Rolf?” She looked as if she was going to attack him, the lines on her face deep, her body tensing. “Where were you that night?”
“Now hold on…”
He realised that it was only now that it occurred to her, that he might have something to do with her lover’s attack.
“You had a cut on your face. Was that the night?” she shrieked. “You obviously hate her! Was it you?”
She scared him: he’d never seen her so tortuously unhappy.
“Of cou
rse not,” he said. “How could you possibly think that?”
She screwed her eyes shut and brought her hands to her face, hiding her face. Rolf noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring. That was a good sign.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” she said and walked off.
He suspected she was crying and he knew she preferred to do this alone. Yet he followed her, couldn’t leave it like this. He needed her. She kept walking down a corridor and into a bedroom. It felt odd, this being her apartment, but he couldn’t leave.
She was sitting on a bed, a white quilted bedspread he’d never seen before, pulling under her weight. Her body slumped, his heart ached. Could he enter her private space to comfort her? He cautiously remained in the doorway.
“You gave me your word,” she said, as if speaking to the wall. “That you wouldn’t tie me down, that you would allow me to be free. That was our agreement. In fact, it was your agreement and I adapted.”
“I know and I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just that we had rules, Iris, and you broke them.”
“She didn’t deserve this.”
Part Five
June 2016
Chapter 65 – Erik
Anna’s mother is sitting next to her daughter’s bed, holding her hand. The sight is astonishing in itself but even stranger is the fact that Anna is talking in a mild manner to her mother. Like an outsider, Erik stands by the door, watching the two women. It feels like a TV set where a director will call ‘cut’ at any time. But so far, the show is rolling on. Erik feels he needs subtitles for the bullshit. ‘I’ve been so worried about you’ should be translated into ‘I haven’t really cared until now’ and ‘I hope I can help you remember’ should be ‘a week is all I’ve got, honey, so you better hurry up’.
“Hej, Erik.”
It’s the doctor, his coat unbuttoned, revealing a tight, white shirt and pink tie. He looks smart, Erik thinks. He is starting to grow fond of him, not because of his fashion sense but because of how he treats Erik. He is always respectful of his feelings.
“I hear someone has been arrested,” he says. “That must be a relief.”
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