Julianne tensed. Of course one of his first thoughts would be the business. Always the business. Restructuring the corporation would take time. Nothing had changed. Nothing was ever going to change. And Julianne knew she wasn’t willing to settle for life with Sam anymore. It hurt too much. She drew in a deep breath. “Sam, I want a divorce.”
Chapter Ten
With a squeal of the brakes, Sam pulled over to the curb. He turned and stared at her in shock. “Is this some kind of a joke?” he asked.
“I wish it were,” she answered, not able to meet his eyes, not wanting to see what emotions her words had placed there.
“But, Juli…after all we’ve been through?” He continued to stare at her incredulously.
“Sam, nothing we’ve been through has fixed what was wrong with our marriage to begin with.” She finally got the courage to meet his gaze. “I didn’t make any promises, Sam. You knew this was a possibility.”
“But you slept with me. We made love. I thought that meant everything was okay.”
Julianne sighed. She should have realized that’s what he would think. Whenever they’d had a fight, Sam had always thought making love would solve the problems, make her forget her unhappiness. And it did, for the brief moments he held her in his arms. But when it was over she was left with an emptiness as aching as ever.
“Sam, making love didn’t fix things, it can’t fix things. Sex has always been wonderful between us. It was never the problem.”
“Then what is the problem?” he asked, his voice deepening in anger. “What do you want from me, Julianne? What can I do to make things right? Do you want me to quit my job? Devote myself to spending every hour of every day with you?”
Julianne flushed. “That’s not fair, Sam. Of course I don’t want you to quit your job.” She sighed in frustration. “Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?” She drew in a deep, weary breath. “It’s too late. You can’t make things right. It’s just too late.” She slumped back against the seat and stared unseeing out the passenger window.
Sam restarted the engine and pulled away from the curb, heading toward home. Not home, Julianne thought. Not her home anymore. She closed her eyes, the hot press of tears burning them. She knew she had made the right decision, but that didn’t make it hurt less.
She could tell Sam was angry by the way he drove. Usually a smooth, flawless driver, he now jerked the car, braking harder than necessary as his hands tightly clenched the steering wheel.
Eventually the anger would dissipate and Julianne thought he’d probably be relieved. No longer would he feel torn between his work and her. Never again would he have to face her anger or disappointment when he worked long into the night, forgetting family functions and plans previously made. Yes, sooner or later he’d be relieved that she was gone, and he no longer had to worry about her.
And eventually she would stop wondering why she hadn’t been enough, why he seemed to take such pleasure in work, and so little in time spent with her.
Hopefully they could emerge from their marriage as friends. It was important for Emily’s sake. Julianne didn’t want the little girl torn apart by her parents’ adult problems.
Sam didn’t speak for the remainder of the ride home and when they got into the house, he disappeared into the guest bedroom. Julianne knew he would deal with whatever he was feeling as he always had…alone.
She went into the bedroom she’d shared with her husband for eight years. As she changed into her pajamas, her mind raced, trying to figure out what her next course of action should be.
Climbing into bed, she realized she hadn’t thought much further than telling Sam her intention of divorcing him. She hadn’t thought about contacting a lawyer, where she would eventually live, or none of the other specifics. Lying on her back, staring at the dark ceiling, she also realized she was simply too exhausted to think. She’d figure it all out in the morning.
Sam stared at the wall in the spare room, but the pale ivory wallpaper held no answers to the questions that plagued him. He’d thought when he finally cleared his name the pieces of his life would fall back into place. Instead he felt his life shattering into a million pieces.
“Sam, I want a divorce.”
Julianne’s words haunted him, angered him, and ultimately filled him with a deep sadness. There had been a strength in her words, a steely resolve that made him realize her mind was made up and nothing he did or said would change it. She was really leaving him, and he didn’t know how to stop her.
He rolled over and stared at the ceiling until dawn crept in, chasing away the night shadows and filling the room with golden hues. Still no answers came.
At seven he finally got up and showered, then went down to the kitchen to make coffee, hopeful that he and Julianne could rationally discuss things this morning. Last night she’d been exhausted, having ridden a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Perhaps her mindset would be different this morning. Perhaps she would give him one more chance.
As he walked into the kitchen his heart fell to his feet. Julianne was already there, sipping a cup of coffee at the table, a suitcase next to her side. “Going somewhere?” he asked as he poured himself some coffee.
She nodded. “I’m going out to Carolyn’s for a while.”
He sank down across from her, searching her face for some sign of weakness, hoping to see doubt, indecision, but there was none. “How long is ‘a while’?”
“I’m not sure.” She stared down into her mug. “I need some time to think, to figure out what I want to do, where I go from here.”
“Julianne, I…” He paused as she held up a hand to silence him.
“Please, Sam. Please don’t make this more difficult than it is.” Suppressed tears made her voice fuller, deeper than usual. “I just can’t live with you anymore. It hurts too much.” She finished her coffee and stood up. “I’ve got to go. My plane leaves in two hours.” She picked up her suitcase and started for the door, then hesitated and turned back to him, her eyes shining with the burden of tears. “Do me a favor, Sam? Don’t marry again without warning your prospective wife that all she can ever hope for is stolen moments in the middle of the night when you’re too tired to be at the office. Make sure she understands how driven you are.” She hesitated another moment, then sighed. “I just wish I could understand.”
Before he could answer, she was gone. He remained at the table for a long time, emotion roiling inside him until he felt seasick from the turmoil. Gone. She was gone, leaving behind only a lingering scent of her perfume.
He hadn’t thought she’d really leave; had honestly believed she’d back down after a good night’s sleep. He rubbed a hand over his face, wondering how he’d managed to lose the person most important to him. He didn’t know how to be different, didn’t know how to change to please her.
Finishing his coffee, he thought about Julianne’s parting words. Driven? Yes, he was driven to succeed in the corporation. What was wrong with ambition? What was wrong with seeking success? Certainly sacrifices had to be made, but he realized now he’d sacrificed too much. And now it was too late to go back and undo the damage.
He could have made more promises, sworn he’d always be home for dinner from now on, but he knew eventually he’d break those promises. Because she was right, he was driven. And God help him, he didn’t know why or how to fix it.
The house resounded its emptiness, a hollow echo of nothing that tore at his heart. He couldn’t stand it. He had to get out of here.
Moments later, his car automatically headed in the direction of the corporation, he kept his thoughts carefully schooled from his personal problems. Instead he focused on what had to be done to fix the internal management problems of the company.
He walked into the building and cheers immediately resounded from the people he’d worked with for years. The sound filled his chest, but couldn’t penetrate the pain in his heart left by Julianne’s leaving. He quieted the group, said a few words of thanks and encourag
ement, then headed for his office.
When he reached his office door, he walked by, on impulse heading for the office that had belonged to his father. “Martha,” he greeted the gray-haired secretary with an affectionate hug.
“Oh, Sam, it’s so good to have you back,” the older woman exclaimed, dabbing the tears at the corners of her eyes. “Nothing has been the same around here what with your father and you gone.”
He gestured toward the inner office door. “Is anyone in there?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Hasn’t been anyone in there for months, not since we cleared out Mr. Baker’s paperwork.” Again tears glistened in her eyes. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. I keep waiting for him to walk through that door and tell me I need to take dictation.”
Sam gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. “I’ll be in there for a few minutes. I’d rather not be disturbed.”
Martha nodded and went back to her desk as Sam entered the private office that had belonged to his father.
Taking a seat behind the large oak desk, Sam looked around, surprised the office looked just like it always had. In the four months he’d been gone, other than general cleaning, nobody seemed to have touched anything.
It was the office of a businessman, with little personal flavor at all. No pictures of family, no favorite knickknacks, nothing to indicate a life other than business.
Sam leaned back in the plush chair and closed his eyes, his thoughts consumed with the man who’d been his father. Joseph Baker had been a dynamic businessman, a strong leader, and a lousy father. A grunt of surprise escaped Sam at this thought and yet he knew it was the truth. Any relationship Sam had gained with his father had been garnered when Sam joined the business.
Memories he hadn’t thought about for years tumbled inside his head. And in those memories he found not only his father’s flaws, but his own, as well.
He sat forward and buried his head in his arms, tears burning as he tried to suppress their descent. No use. As he thought about a life, a future without his Juli, sobs choked him and, in a final surrender to grief, Sam allowed himself to cry.
He didn’t know how long he sat there. Once the tears were gone, anger began to build. His eyes flew open and he shoved the chair back from the desk. He’d never been a quitter, and he’d be damned if he became one now. He wasn’t about to let Julianne walk out of his life without one hell of a fight. Besides, he knew now. Knew what drove him. And, if nothing else, Julianne deserved an answer to that question.
In three long strides he was out of the office and standing next to Martha’s desk. “Martha, would you please call the airlines and get me on the next flight to Casey’s Corners, Kansas?”
“Certainly.” She picked up the phone.
“I’ll be back in ten minutes,” Sam said, leaving her to make the necessary arrangements.
He raced toward the security office, where he found Barry sitting in his office reading the morning paper. “I pay you an astronomical salary so you can read the paper?” Sam said as he entered the office.
“Sam.” Barry jumped up and the two men embraced. “It’s good to have you back.”
“I’m leaving again in just a few minutes, but I didn’t want to go without telling you how much I appreciate everything you did for Julianne and Emily while I was gone.”
Barry waved his hands in dismissal. “That’s what friends are for,” he said. “Where are you off to now? I’d think there would be a million things for you to take care of with all the arrests I heard went on last night.”
“There are a million things to do, but they can wait. Julianne flew out this morning to spend some time with Carolyn.” Sam swallowed hard, then continued. “She wants a divorce, Barry.”
Barry winced. “Yeah, I gathered things were not well between the two of you.”
“Things.haven’t been well for a very long time,” Sam admitted, not only to his friend, but to himself. “I’ve been a fool, and it’s time I make some changes. I just hope it really isn’t too late.”
An hour later Sam sat on a plane carrying him to Casey’s Corners, Kansas. His heart pounded with anxiety as he willed the plane to go faster. He closed his eyes, hoping he was not too late.
“Can I get you anything?” A flight attendant shoving a drink cart down the center aisle smiled pertly.
“No, thanks.” Sam returned her smile, then leaned his head back once again. The only thing he needed, the only thing he wanted, was for Julianne to give him one final chance.
* * *
“I promised Emily and the twins a trip to the park today. Want to come?” Carolyn asked Julianne.
“If you don’t mind, I’d rather just stick around here. I’m fighting off a headache,” Julianne replied. “Probably didn’t get enough sleep last night.”
Carolyn nodded. “From what you told me, you had quite a night.” Carolyn smiled sympathetically. “Aspirins are in the cabinet above the sink in the kitchen if you need them. We’ll probably be gone for a couple of hours. When the twins get into the sandbox, it’s hard to drag them away.”
“Emily, you be good for your Aunt Carolyn,” Julianne instructed her daughter, who at the moment was rolling a ball back and forth between the twin two-year-old boys.
“Aunt Carolyn says I’m a good helper,” Emily proclaimed proudly.
“Indeed you are,” Carolyn agreed. “She’s been a very good helper in the last couple of days. And with these two I can use all the help I can get.” Carolyn smiled at her adopted boys, her eyes filled with motherly love. “Well, gang. Let’s get a move on. The sandbox awaits.”
Within minutes Carolyn and the children were gone, leaving Julianne alone in the silence of the house. She went to the kitchen and got the bottle of aspirin, wondering if they could cure her heartache as well as the pounding of her head.
She hadn’t expected her decision to leave Sam to hurt quite as badly as it did. Although there was a part of her relieved that the final decision had been made, the relief wasn’t yet strong enough to mask the pain.
She hadn’t told Carolyn much, just that she and Sam were having problems and she needed some time to get her head together. She’d been grateful that Carolyn hadn’t pried, but instead offered her the warmth and support of her home for as long as necessary.
Swallowing two aspirins, Julianne wondered when the heartache stopped. How long did it take to put a man and a marriage in the past? How long before she stopped looking backward and began moving into the uncertainty of a new future? She stared out into the backyard, knowing that no matter how much time passed, her heart would always bear the scars of loving Sam Baker.
“Juli.”
At the sound of the familiar voice, she gasped and whirled around.
“Sam. What are you doing here?” Her heart thundered in her chest. She didn’t want to see him, didn’t feel strong enough to talk to him. She wanted it ended. Over.
“I have to talk to you.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, drawing on the inner strength that had seen her through the months he’d been gone. “We have nothing to talk about.” She sank down at the table, her gaze averted from him.
He scooted into the chair across from her. “Juli, please look at me, listen to me. Don’t shut me out.”
“Don’t shut you out?” She did look at him, shocked at the raw emotion emanating from his eyes. “You’ve shut me out for years, Sam.” She sighed wearily. “We’ve led separate lives for a very long time. I’ve just decided it’s time to make it legal.”
“Juli, I don’t want a divorce,” Sam replied softly.
“And I can’t live any longer on empty promises.”
“I know.” He folded his hands on the top of the table, his gaze lingering on hers. “What about some explanations?”
“Explanations?” Despite her desire not to talk to him, not to be sucked back into the mess they’d called a marriage, she was intrigued. “What kind of explanations?”
“After you left t
his morning I went to the company, but instead of going into my own office, I went into my father’s. I sat there and thought back, back to the childhood I told you was happy and normal, and I realized I’d not only lied to you, but I had been lying to myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
Sam raked a hand through his hair and drew in a deep breath. “You know what I remember most about growing up? Loneliness. After my mother died, I was sent to prep schools and rarely saw or heard from my father.”
Julianne heard the deep emotion in his voice and it sent a shudder of shock waves through her. She’d never seen Sam with emotions out of control, but at the moment he seemed to be fighting a losing battle for some modicum of composure.
Still, she kept hold of her heart, afraid to hope anything would ever change and absolutely refusing to consider the possibility of going back to where they’d been.
“My dad had nothing to do with me until I joined the business. And for the first time I knew what it was like to have a father, to feel like I had some worth, to belong.” He looked back at her, the blue of his eyes intensified by the sheen of tears. “Juli…I’ve worked long hours, spent as little time with you and Emily as possible because I’ve been so afraid.”
“Afraid?” she asked softly, unsure what to make of this vulnerable, hurting man in front of her.
He nodded and looked down at his hands. “Afraid that if I spent too much time with you, you’d realize I was a nothing, a nobody. When 1 wasn’t at the office, I was afraid I’d go back to being that invisible little boy nobody seemed to want.”
“Oh, Sam.” Despite her resolve to be strong, in spite of her intentions not to be taken in by false promises and empty apologies, she had no defense against this.
She’d been so afraid it was her fault he’d overworked, had been so afraid he didn’t love her enough to want to spend time with her. She now realized he loved her so much he was afraid to spend time with her, afraid of not living up to the man he wanted to be.
Daddy On The Run Page 12