by Susan Renee
How much do I want to find out without hearing it from Finn’s mouth first?
And how do I tell him that I know all of this?
“I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, Mandy.” That’s all I can think to say.
“Thanks. Sydney and Finn were really close, so obviously, it really affected him when she died. She was a beautiful girl and loved by so many. She had so many friends, but then she had this accident our junior year.”
My body stiffened, and my stomach turned. “Accident? What…what kind of accident?” I didn’t want to know. God, I didn’t want to know, but I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“Finn was home for the weekend visiting and had taken Sydney out to the movies. They were both huge Harry Potter fans and went every year together to the newest movie premier. It was just sort of their bonding thing.” Mandy smiles as she recalls her memories of Sydney and Finn, but then tears started to well up in her eyes.
“Anyway, after the movie, they were driving home, and out of nowhere, this pick-up truck slammed into Sydney’s side of their car. A drunk driver it turned out. Sydney was so torn up and broken but she was alive. She lived.”
Mandy chuckles softly through her tears. “She used to call herself ‘The Girl Who Lived’,” she says, shaking her head at her friend’s humor. I have to chuckle a little, too, understanding the Harry Potter reference.
“But she had so many scars from the accident, a large one near the top of her head from the glass from her car window imbedding into her face. The cuts, the scrapes, the bruising…it caused a lot of scarring, and she just wasn’t the same after that. She didn’t present herself with the confidence or high self-esteem that she had once had. She sort of became a bit of a recluse and didn’t want to hang out with many people. She didn’t date anyone, didn’t feel pretty enough.”
I begin to feel dizzy. This isn’t happening.
“And you know how mean girls can be,” Mandy continues playing with her napkin and sniffling.
“She missed the beginning of her senior year recovering from surgeries. She wanted to be home schooled the rest of the year because she knew the gossip and the teasing would be so bad, but she never told anyone that she was actually experiencing it. Not even me, and I was one of her best friends and I loved her very much. I would’ve done anything for her. Had any of us known, we could’ve stood up for her, helped her; but she carried the burden herself, and one day just couldn’t do it anymore. She chopped up an entire bottle of sleeping pills and mixed them in with some alcohol. Or at least that’s what her autopsy said. She died in her sleep. That night, Finn found a video on her computer that she had recorded with an apology and a short explanation of why she just didn’t want to carry the burden anymore, as if she had anything to be sorry for. God, it ripped Finn apart to watch that video. She was almost there. Halfway done with her senior year, but she just….”
I’m going to be sick.
My head is spinning.
My legs are shaking.
My body is cold, and I’m sitting outside on a hot spring day.
Mandy looks up at me and my expressionless face. “Olivia? Are you okay? Your face is…you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I swallow slowly. This girl was me. She could’ve been me. We were the same age. We had life changing accidents in the same year. We both lived with painful truths that nobody knew about, only I lived - she died. There’s no way Finn knows about me and my past, does he?
He wouldn’t…
No, there’s no way, but this might just explain his overwhelming need to see me the other night to make sure I was okay. He didn’t want to be the cause of my hurting myself. He had to have realized that he had hurt me and thought maybe I would react the same way. He’s seen some of my scars. Oh God, I obviously remind him of her.
“Yeah, um, I’m just not hungry anymore.” I say as I wrap up my sandwich and stand to throw away the rest of my lunch. What I wouldn’t give for a huge swig of vodka right now.
“I should get back to work. I still have so much to learn and research before my shoot later this week.”
“Yeah okay, cool. I’ll walk back with you. I’m sorry, Olivia, I didn’t mean to be a downer.”
“No, really it’s okay. I’m the one who asked, and I appreciate you telling me all of that. I had no idea.”
“Finn’s a really great guy and has transitioned into a fantastic CEO since his father passed away. He’s had a rough couple of years. He really does care about the people he works with, though. You’ll love him once you get to know him.”
I’m pretty sure Mandy is absolutely right about that. My heart is already aching for Finn, and I have no idea how I’m going to handle the information I now have in my brain while spending the evening with Finn at my celebratory dinner. I’m going to have to sit on this new insight into Finn’s family life until the moment presents itself, even if that moment is weeks away.
8
Six weeks later, and the moment still hasn’t presented itself. It’s the first week of July, and I am finally settled into my job and my routine and loving it. I’m cultivating some strong friendships with my colleagues at work. Mandy is quickly becoming a second BFF to me. She’s no Abby, of course, but she makes my work day enjoyable. Abby refers to her as my work wife, which I find amusing every time, so it’s sort of become a thing. Due to my friendship with Mandy, her mother Karen, who is also my boss, and I have a strong working relationship as well. She has her bitchy moments, especially when we are nearing a deadline, but what managing executive doesn’t?
Austin Rivers and Luke Prescott are nice guys, too, and certainly add that essence of college male that seems to level the office vibe on a daily basis. For all the girly talk between Mandy and me, Austin and Luke do an excellent job of telling us how often they are getting laid and by whom, just as much as they let us know when they are going to take a dump…pinch a loaf…drop the kids off at the pool…(their words, not mine). All in all, I really love coming to work every day.
My client pool is growing as well. I made contact with the Boston Harbor Cruise line and am setting up a portfolio for them to view my photos so that we can move on to develop their new marketing materials. I’m excited to share my experience with them. I’ve also scheduled my trip to Napa Valley to begin my digital portfolio of the winery I’m working with. One week from now, I will be relaxing at the Seal Lake Winery; working of course, but enjoying myself, nonetheless.
Finn does an excellent job of keeping our relationship under wraps for the most part. I am amazed at myself with every passing week that I don’t let the cat out of the bag to Mandy for as much time as we spend talking about our love lives. Mandy tells me that she’s not interested in any of the guys at the office, but that she does keep an eye on one of the girls that assists Austin on his shoots from time to time. Her name is Kym. She seems to be pretty friendly to many around the office, but I do take notice of the time Kym lingers around Mandy’s desk when she’s in. I think it’s cute. Mandy knows I have a boyfriend and that he treats me like a princess, but somehow, I’ve gotten away with never having to say his name. The name Finn can’t be that popular that she wouldn’t figure that out, so I always refer to him as “My hot runner guy”. I guess I’ll need to tell her soon so I don’t hurt her feelings when it comes out. I want to tell her before she hears it through other family members. I feel like that’s the friend thing to do.
At any rate, those in the office who need to know about Finn and me, like Mrs. Hoover, Finn’s administrative assistant, know; but other than that, work is work, and love life is…well…it’s OH MY GOD hot! We try to not let anything happen while at the office, but I would be lying if I said we don’t make out just a few times on occasion when I conveniently have to stop by his office. Every now and then when we’re alone, he steals a kiss; and once I swear Karen caught sight of Finn leading me into a room with his hand on the small of my back. But she’s never said anything, and Mandy hasn’t brought i
t up in conversation, so I let go of my concern. We haven’t reached awesome-mind blowing-clear-the-desk-with-your-arm desk sex yet; in fact, we haven’t gone down the sex road at all yet. Six weeks is a long time to ask a guy to go without getting some action, so I allow my shirt to come off but only when it is pitch black wherever we are. It’s bad enough that Finn’s fingers have touched my scars a few times; I’m just not ready for him to see them. As much as I worry about the snail’s pace of our physical relationship, I’m appreciative of the fact that Finn never pushes me further than I’m ready to go. He seems to sincerely want to get to know me and not just make me another notch on his bedpost. Regardless, our relationship is heading in a more serious direction, and as anxious as I am about the fact that there is still a huge part of my life that Finn doesn’t know, I might be starting to fall for him.
My favorite part of any work day, aside from actually seeing Finn, is reading the emails he sends me. He always knows how to put a smile on my face. This morning, though, I almost killed my computer with coffee in response to Finn’s email.
From: Finn Kellan
Subject: The Help
Date: July 3, 2014 9:22
To: Olivia McGuire
Good morning, Beautiful. Thanks for giving me a HAND last night. I enjoyed it immensely and look forward to repaying the favor again soon.
Thankful,
Finn Kellan
CEO, The Kellan Agency
I spit my coffee all over my desk reading his casual thank you to me. I am forever grateful that he is the CEO of this Agency when it comes to email content, but I imagine the guys in the Tech Department can read between the lines. I guess if Finn doesn’t care, I don’t.
From: Olivia McGuire
Subject: Clean up
Date: July 3, 2014 9:26
To: Finn Kellan
Thank you for the distraction so early this morning. I now have to clean up the coffee that I just spit all over my desk. I’m all wet now thanks to you.
Now smelling like coffee,
Olivia McGuire
Commercial Marketing, The Kellan Agency
Ps. You’re welcome by the way, for the “help”.
From: Finn Kellan
Subject: Satisfied
Date July 3, 2014 9:28
To: Olivia McGuire
Wet huh? Who’s distracted now? That’s something I would like to see…except I’ve already seen you wet. #whalewatching
Now preoccupied by you,
Finn Kellan
CEO, The Kellan Agency
From: Olivia McGuire
Subject: Reminders
Date: July 3, 2014 9:30
To: Finn Kellan
HA! Yes what fond memories. And thanks for the reminder! I needed to give the Cruise Line a call this morning to schedule our meeting. I hope the rest of your day is free from distraction, but if you find yourself needing to be preoccupied…
Oh and don’t forget I’m going out with Abby tonight before she heads out for the weekend, so I’ll see you in the morning?
Can’t wait to see fireworks with you, but Maroon 5 here I come!
Olivia McGuire
Commercial Marketing, The Kellan Agency
From: Finn Kellan
Subject: Fireworks
Date: July 3, 2013 9:34
To: Olivia McGuire
Hahaha! You’re welcome for the reminder, and yes I’ll pick you up around ten tomorrow morning. We’ll need about an hour drive time to get out of the city and out to my mom’s before lunch. She’s looking forward to meeting you, Beautiful.
Oh….and Olivia? I see fireworks every time I’m with you.
Yours,
Finn Kellan,
CEO, The Kellan Agency
ps. Don’t leave me for Adam Levine okay?
From: Olivia McGuire
Subject: Anticipation
Date: July 3, 2014 9:35
To: Finn Kellan
Deal...although if he wants to buy me a drink I’m not sure I can pass that up! Flattery will get you everywhere! Gotta get to work. Will text you later. Excited for tomorrow!
Olivia McGuire
Commercial Marketing, The Kellan Agency
Our daily morning email banter always helps make my day a happy one. I look forward to each ding my computer lets off when new email comes in. It’s always Finn, Abby, or one of my clients. Other than that, I receive the occasional sales email that I try to siphon into my spam inbox. I look through the remaining list of emails I haven’t yet opened before calling back the Boston Harbor Cruise Line. There is one from Seal Lake Winery including my itinerary for next week, one from Abby reminding me of our Girls Night Out tonight, and then another from an email address that I don’t recognize. I recognize the subject line immediately, so I open the email:
To: Olivia Cardman, The Kellan Agency
Subject: Finn Kellan
Date: July 3, 2014 9:57
From:
HE’LL NEVER TRULY LOVE YOU.
I blink a few times staring at the screen and pick my jaw up off my desk.
What the fuck is this?
Anxiety shoots through me rapidly.
He’ll never love me?
I never said I wanted him to love me.
Who are you kidding, Olivia? You’re falling for him, and you know it.
Who could’ve possibly sent this email to me?
I look around the office trying to see if one of my colleagues catches my eye but to no avail. Everyone is quietly working at their desks paying no attention to me. I read the email over and over, trying to find some clue as to who sent this email to me, because obviously whoever sent it knows about my relationship with Finn. To my knowledge, nobody in the office knows except for Mrs. Hoover, and maybe Karen; but I doubt it because if she knew, Mandy would know, and she would certainly say something to me about it.
Note to self, tell Mandy soon.
Hmm, I don’t know anyone in the Tech Department yet, so I don’t feel comfortable asking them for help looking into it. Maybe Finn could figure it out for me, but the more I think about it, the less I want to involve him. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself. I don’t need him fighting stupid little personal fires for me, especially if they’re not burning out of control; and, God, let’s hope this fire remains contained. I can’t let one silly email bother me for the whole day.
“So what are your plans for the long weekend, Mandy? Doing anything fun?” I ask as we’re packing up for the day. I grab my purse and shoulder bag with my work files in it as quickly as possible and just make small talk until I can quickly get out of the building. I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my day thinking about this email, but I can’t not think about it. I feel like everywhere I go today, someone is watching me. That’s never a good feeling. I hope I’m just off today, and the long weekend will put everything back to normal for me.
“Having lunch with my mom and some family, but then,” Mandy leans in closer to me and whispers. “I’m meeting up with Kym! We made plans to hang out at the harbor and see the fireworks!” She looks like a kid in a candy store as she tells me about her plans with Kym. I’m happy for Mandy. It’s cute to see a couple potentially come together. I smile at her when she speaks, trying not to giggle at her excitement.
“How about you? Plans with…what do you call him again? ‘Hot Runner Guy’?” she asks me, smirking. In the past six weeks, I have given her just a little information about how I met my hot runner guy boyfriend and how he followed me to Starbucks just to ask me out. I was sure to never divulge Finn’s name. Not until I feel one hundred percent comfortable in my friendship with Mandy, which I do now. I suppose after this weekend, if all goes well meeting Finn’s mother, I’ll make it official in the office. Then this semi-sneaking around can be done.
“Yeah we’re spending the day together, and I’m meeting some of his family. I guess if that goes okay, we’ll sort of be official, huh?” I wrinkle my nose at the cheesiness of our relationship statu
s.
“Ooh yeah! You totally will be. I’m sure it will be fine. What’s not to like about you, Liv? Good luck anyway, though. I’m sure you’ll be anxious.”
“Yeah thanks. I’m sure it will be fine. He talks pretty highly of his mom, and I know he loves her dearly, which makes me like him even more. I’m a sucker for a family guy,” I admit. “Have a great weekend, Mandy. I’ll be thinking about you.” I suggestively raise my eyebrows at her so she knows what I mean when I tell her I’ll be thinking about her. I let out a light laugh as I walk out to the lobby to catch the elevator.
Riding the elevator down to the lobby I think back to the surprise email I received earlier. I had forgotten about it for a very short time, but now that I’m alone, my insecurities creep back into my brain. I’m not really sure what to think about it. It’s not like the email said anything ridiculously mean or outlandish, but somehow the possibility of someone being able to anonymously reach out to me in that manner feels a little violating. The ding announcing my arrival to the ground floor shakes me from my thoughts. The elevator doors open, and as I walk out to the lobby, I’m surprised when I catch two of my favorite people chatting just outside the front doors.
Abby is here, obviously waiting on me, but she’s talking to Finn, who looks to be consoling her, though she doesn’t appear to be that upset. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to approach their conversation since most people don’t know about Finn and me yet.
Finn sees me come through the revolving door and immediately smiles at me. He turns in my direction as if he’s about to welcome me with a hug or kiss, but I quickly shake my head, silently pleading for him to not shower me with affection outside of our office building. His expression feels like a sucker punch to my stomach, but then he nods in understanding.