by Susan Renee
He leans over and whispers in my ear, "Would you like a tour of the rest of the house?"
"I'd like that very much." I accept, grateful for some alone time with Finn.
Mandy catches my attention quickly raising her eyebrows and then winking at me.
Finn clears his throat and begins to push his chair out from under the table.
"If you'll excuse us, I'd like to give Olivia the grand tour."
"Not at all, sweetheart, go right ahead," Mrs. Kellan replies, smiling adoringly at her son.
Finn takes my hand and leads me from the informal dining room, which is attached to the kitchen, and around the corner to what I guess is the main living room. There’s an armoire that houses a flat screen TV, a white sofa and loveseat with yellow chevron accent throw pillows, and a grey throw blanket. The walls are a light grey color with white crown molding. The room reminds me very much of Finn's office.
"Well I see where you get your decorating taste," I joke.
He squeezes my hand and laughs. "Yeah I guess it's a little obvious that my mommy helped me design my office. Maybe someday you can help me make some new changes."
"To your office? No way. I love your office just as it is...well, for the most part anyway.”
"For the most part? What part don't you like?"
"There aren't any parts I don't like. There are just some parts that we um...well, we haven't gotten to try out yet."
I tilt my head and shrug my shoulder suggestively. "I mean, who knows how comfortable some parts really are."
Finn's look of confusion slowly morphs into one of amusement as he catches on to what I can’t believe I just said.
Filter, Olivia! Filter!
I squeeze his hand and then lean over to peck his cheek.
"I'm sorry; I don't have a frame of reference for you. I'm not used to decorating my office with women; though for you, I would definitely be willing to make some changes. My desk might be pretty comfortable, my chair for sure."
"Hmm, we'll see." I wink at him. He kisses the top of my head and laughs with me. Playful banter comes so naturally with Finn.
“Hey,” he says, pulling me to him and wrapping his arms around me. I lift my eyes to his, unsure of his worried expression. “Are you okay? I mean, I feel like I should apologize to you for leading you into the lioness’s den earlier. I should’ve known that Karen and Mandy would be here; they come every year. But when I talked to Mom earlier this week, I guess I just wasn’t thinking, and none of them seemed to mention it at work. I never meant to put you in a potentially uncomfortable situation.”
“It’s fine, Finn. No apology necessary. Your mom is stunning and so sweet, and as far as Mandy and Karen are concerned…well…” I think for a second. “I guess now I can stop calling you ‘Hot Runner Guy’ at work.”
Finn laughs as he holds me, and I can feel his body move against me as I embrace him.
“What if Karen had been pissed or didn’t approve? Or what if Mandy were green with envy? Jealous of my hot runner-guyness?” he teases.
I chuckle. “Well first of all, no offense, but I know who Mandy has an eye for, and let’s just say it’s not you. Secondly, if Karen didn’t approve, I would like to think that you or your mother would’ve felt that tension. Thirdly, your mother would have never allowed that type of reaction, I’m certain. She’s a compassionate person, and I’m sure protective of you. And fourth, you make me feel, I don’t know…safe, I guess.”
I squeeze Finn a little tighter and rub my hands down his back as I hug him. “I knew you would protect me, would protect my feelings.”
Finn leans his head down towards mine, moves his hand from my hair to my cheek, and kisses me. Not an ‘I want you, need you, have to have you’ kiss, but a slow, loving ‘I adore you’ type of kiss. There is never any denying that Finn is kisstacular.
"Olivia, if I have my way, you’ll never have to worry about needing protected again. I want to be that man for you like I’ve never wanted anything before. I’ll always take care of you.” Finn ponders for a moment and then turns and pulls my hand to follow him.
“Come on; I have something to show you."
Finn leads me back towards the foyer and up the large staircase. As we walk up the steps, there are beautifully framed photographs to look at. Finn takes the time to point out certain family vacations or special trips he took with his father, like the picture of both of them in front of the Eiffel Tower, or of the two of them on camels in Jerusalem. I’m amazed at how well traveled Finn is and so happy for him that he got the opportunity to spend such precious time traveling with his father before he got sick.
“You’re a lucky man, Finn.”
“What makes you say that?” he asks me softly.
I gesture to all of the amazing pictures hung on the wall. “This, Finn. All of this. All of the amazing trips and experiences you got to have with your Dad before he died. What a blessing and a ton of memories you now have to remember him by. So many people aren’t so lucky, ya know?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so,” Finn says almost too sadly for my liking.
“I mean, I don’t mean to belittle the sadness of his passing.” I put my hand on Finn’s arm. “I just mean that it looks like, in these pictures anyway, that the two of you were really living. Adventures, time spent together, and love - those are the important things in life.”
We reach the top of the staircase, and I stop suddenly with Finn right by my side. Hanging on the wall at the top of the steps is a beautifully framed family portrait of Finn, his parents, and of course, Sydney. They all look so happy in the picture, like they were an extremely close family. Sydney looks so much like Finn. She has the same blue eyes and the same brown hair, only hers is long enough to be pulled back and in a beautiful knot at the back of her head. She’s gorgeous, and she looks young; in fact, Finn does as well. This was obviously taken before her accident.
“Sydney,” I whisper under my breath.
Finn’s head whips in my direction, his head tilting as he eyes me curiously. “You know about Sydney?”
Damnit...is it ok for me to know about her?
“Um, yeah. I do. Well, I mean I don’t really know about her, I just…well, Mandy told me over lunch one day. Please don’t be upset with her for telling me before you, Finn,” I plead. “It just sort of came up in conversation when I was asking how you guys all knew each other. She told me she was Sydney’s best friend, and I, I just didn’t know about her, I mean. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s okay. She’s right; Mandy was Syd’s best friend. Of course she would talk about her. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should have.”
“No, Finn, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I knew. I just…didn’t quite know how to bring it up.”
Finn takes a deep breath and gazes at the portrait with me.
“She was beautiful, wasn’t she? She was my best friend, too. An annoying little sister sometimes,” he chuckles lightly and shakes his head. “But as we grew up we really enjoyed each other’s company. I tried so hard to be there for her, to support her...to remind her how proud of her I was when Dad was a little too busy to be around. I guess it just wasn’t enough.”
More than you know.
“Her boyfriend broke up with her for another girl. I could see her demeanor changing a little bit, so I started coming home more often on the weekends and some week nights to hang out with her. I told her all the time how beautiful she was. I mean, she still had Mandy so she wasn’t alone, but I felt compelled to check up on her, make sure she was okay, that nothing was happening to her. She was being bullied and made fun of at school for the scars on her face, and I never knew. I never knew a damn thing. Syd never told me; Mandy never told me.”
“Do you think Mandy knew?” Why wouldn’t she say anything to protect her friend? I’m a little confused all of a sudden.
Finn nods his head slowly.
“Mandy told me one...day. She told me that she knew Syd was
bothered by a few select girls at school but that Sydney didn’t want to make a big deal about it. She just wanted to get through her senior year and graduate and be away from everyone. You remember being that age; girls don’t want to admit defeat.”
That age? How about now?
That stupid email I got yesterday pops into my mind, as does my decision to not bother Finn with it.
“I can understand her logic.”
“Yeah, well, she ended up with too many wrong pieces in her inner puzzle and just couldn’t figure out how to get them all to fit, so she threw the puzzle away. She couldn’t solve herself.”
I watch as Finn looks back at the family portrait on the wall.
“November sixteenth,” he whispers. “I’ll never forget that day. She took a bunch of sleep-aid medicine along with a couple shots of bourbon from my Dad’s cabinet, went to sleep, and never woke up. Mom tried to wake her up for school the next morning and well…you know.”
“Oh, God!” I gasp silently. “Your poor mother.”
“Yeah,” Finn agrees. I looked down at our hands when I feel my ring moving on my pinky finger. Finn is twisting it around and around on my finger while he’s talking to me. I’m not even sure he knows he’s doing it. I can’t help but stare at his fingers, though, as he turns my ring over and over. Such a small act is keeping him calm and bringing him peace, and that’s exactly what I do when I’m nervous or anxious.
“It was devastating for her, for all of us really. It was a very rough couple of years, especially finding out about my Dad’s condition, and then his passing away as well. If it weren’t for Mom’s friends, and Karen and Mandy, I’m not sure she would still be here, either. People die of broken hearts all the time, right?”
“I guess that’s highly possible.” I take a deep steadying breath and rub Finn’s arm. “But what about you? Who takes care of you Finn?”
Finn grins easily. “Toby. I was lucky enough to meet Toby after Syd died, and he’s been my most supportive friend ever since. Well, that is until you came along.”
I smile sincerely at Finn. “Well I’m grateful for Toby then and so glad you have him in your life. Everyone needs someone they can lean on. And I would love to be that person for you, someone you can lean on. I’m sure that wasn’t easy, Finn, what you just did. Opening up to me and letting me get to know your family. I want you to know that means a lot to me.”
Finn tilts his head and holds my gaze for what feels like minutes.
“I know we haven’t been together for very long, Olivia. It’s only been a couple months, but something about you overwhelms me. You make me feel peace and happiness again in a way I never really thought about before. You make me want more out of my life. It's like I’m hypnotized by your veela-like powers, and I don’t ever want to be woken up. I don’t ever want to walk away from you.”
I giggle at Finn’s Harry Potter reference, knowing he’s thinking about Sydney’s love of the iconic series. Good thing I’m also a fan and can follow his references.
“Well…” I nudge Finn with my shoulder. “I’ll take that as a compliment, and lucky for you, I don’t want you to ever want to walk away from me.”
Finn smiles and lowers his head. He’s still playing with the ring on my finger. I think for a minute about his veela reference, narrow my eyes and warn, “But just so you know…” Finn looks up at my face as I speak.
“If you ever make me mad, or decide to walk away, you better watch out. Veelas turn into harpies when they get upset...and I’ve been practicing throwing those fireballs from my hands.”
Finn laughs a hearty loud laugh. “Good to know!” We both crack up in a fit of laughter, but as I I’m laughing Finn quiets enough to look at me and shake his head. “God, I love you, Olivia.”
I laugh again.
Wait...what?
I stop laughing.
Did he just say…?
“What?”
I’m pretty sure my heart just somersaulted.
“I said I love you, Liv.” Finn smiles adoringly at me.
I am speechless.
“What?” I don’t know why I’m finding this moment so unbelievable.
I swallow the huge lump in my throat.
“You love me?”
Finn nods. “I think I’ve loved you since the day I met you and followed you into Starbucks, watching you take a picture of your blueberry muffin.” He takes a deep breath and continues his thoughts. “But today? Today, you being here, the fact that I want you here…” Finn lets out the breath he had taken in. “I don’t usually bring girls here, Liv.” He shakes his head. “I’ve never really introduced girls to my family because I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. I’m just a guy who loves his family and a guy who protects what’s his, so bringing you here is a big step for me. Except…”
Finn grabs my hands and holds both of them. The heat rising to my face is overwhelming, my breathing unsteady, and I’m sure my eyes must look like saucers.
“Except it isn’t a big step for me, Liv. I mean, it doesn’t feel like a big step at all to me. It feels right. Having you here feels right and normal and wonderful and…” He grabs my face and kisses me hard. It feels good to feel him relax with me. As we kiss, Finn leans over and slides his right hand under my legs and moves his left hand to my back. He swiftly picks me up and carries me up the last step.
I gasp and grab tightly onto his upper arms so that he doesn’t drop me. “Whoa! What are you doing?”
“One more thing to show you.” He smirks in between kisses.
Finn carries me down the hallway and into the last doorway on the right.
12
“My room,” Finn states, as he carries me into the room and sets me down on his bed.
I look around the blue and white bedroom that looks almost as if a college student is still living in it. There are bookshelves lined with old college textbooks, a desk along one wall, and a flat screen TV hung on the wall opposite the bed. There are two doors that I suspect lead to most likely the bathroom and the close;, but, honestly, I don’t care to get up and walk through Finn’s room. My stomach is a hot mess.
The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering so fast, I think they might rip right through me. The myriad of emotions flowing through me are confusing the hell out of me. I’m overjoyed that Finn told me he loves me. I feel guilty that I didn’t say it back immediately; but then again, he didn’t really give me the chance to, which I’m sort of okay with. I’m scared out of my mind to tell him I love him because love means committing, and Finn doesn’t know me the way he thinks he does. What if after he really sees me he can’t commit to me? What if he sees me, the real me, and decides he doesn’t want me anymore? If I tell him I love him and grant him full access to my heart, it’ll devastate me when he walks away.
But, I want him to love me
I want to tell him I love him, too.
I just can’t.
“Hey,” Finn says softly. We’re both sitting on the edge of his bed. He’s looking at me and turns my face with his hands so that he can look into my eyes.
“Where did you go just now?” he asks quietly.
“I…umm…”
Oh my God, what do I say?
“Olivia, listen. I’m sorry that I dumped all that on you...about Sydney, and I’m sorry if I caught you off guard. I just...I couldn’t bring you here and introduce you to my family without telling you how I feel. I told you before that I never had a reason to bring a girl home; but now, you’re my reason. You’re all the reasons. That’s not exactly how I planned it to go, but...”
“Finn?”
“Yeah?”
“Stop talking.” I smile at him. “It was perfect. You are perfect.”
“Olivia, I’m far fr…”
“Shh,” I say placing a finger on his lips to stop his words.
“Finn…you’re perfect for me. Everything about today has been...perfect. I loved meeting your mother, I loved hearing all about Sydney and
seeing the pictures of you and your dad. I love talking and laughing with you. I love being with you. I love that you love me.”
“But…” His eyebrows raise in quiet question.
God, he’s killing me here.
I don’t want to break his heart.
“My ‘but’ isn’t really a ‘but’. It’s more like....”
How do I put this?
“Liv?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s okay. When I told you I loved you, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you needed to say it back right away. I know I have a lot of baggage, and…”
“Oh God, Finn, no, no, no, you have it all wrong,” I interrupt. I grab Finn’s face with both of my hands. I let out a heavy breath and close my eyes to gather my wits.
“I’m scared, Finn. I told you before, you’re not the only one with baggage. I’m not judging you for yours, but, I...I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to deal with mine. There are things you don’t know, and every day that we’re together, I get closer and closer to wanting to tell you because I do have feelings for you, Finn, very strong feelings...and that...scares me.”
“What scares you?”
“Love. Love scares me, Finn. Everybody I love I lose and,” I let go of his face. “My past is…”
“Lonely? Dark? Confusing? Like your puzzle pieces don’t fit?” he asks me.
“My puzzle pieces…” I ponder his thought for a moment. “Finn...my past feels like a fucked up Rubik's Cube.”
“Mmm… Rubik's Cube, huh?”
“Yeah”
“Sounds perfect,” he mutters.
“Perfect?”
Did he hear me correctly?
“I just told you my life is like a fucked up Rubik’s Cube, and that’s perfect?”
“Yeah.” He smiles at me. “I know how to solve a Rubik's Cube.”
Finn takes my hand in his and folds our fingers together, our hands now looking like a completed puzzle. The gesture isn’t lost on me.