by Susan Renee
“Ah, Jesus Christ, Liv,” Finn moans loudly, squeezing me tighter. “Hold on to me, Beautiful.”
“Always, Finn. Always.” He’s thrusting harder into me, driving me wild, as he hits me at my core. I’m about to go over the edge again; I’m so close.
This is the perfect time to tell him.
I lean my head down to Finn’s ear and nibble on his earlobe.
“Olivia…” He grunts.
I whisper in Finn’s ear the only words that can be spoken, and I feel them sincerely to the center of my soul. “I love you, Finn.”
“Olivia...Ahh…!” he says as he lets go and erupts into me. He buries his head in my neck and holds me as he allows his body to release. We’re in the middle of this bed, connected from head to toe in an embrace neither one of us wants to let go of.
"Say it again," Finn whispers, his breathing shaky as his body starts to relax.
I smile, even though he can't see my face. "I love you, Finn Kellan. I love you so much.”
20
We sit there in the middle of the bed, embracing for a few moments, while we each try to catch our breath. Still holding on to me, I feel Finn lean back so that he can look into my eyes. He kisses me sweetly, reverently, almost like he’s thanking me for sharing in the passion that we just created. He lifts me off of him and quickly discards his condom into the wastebasket by the bed. We both lay down together, facing each other, and cover ourselves with one of the sheets on the bed. I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. I can’t remember a time when that much emotion poured out of me at one time, and by the look on his face, I’m guessing Finn must be feeling the same way.
“Are you okay?” he asks me softly.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I‘m lying here staring at him, unsure exactly of what to say. What happened here tonight was nothing short of intensely emotional.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I feel like I do.”
“Why?”
“Finn, the things I said…”
“Never mind about the things you said, Liv,” he interrupts. “The things you said were things I needed to hear, and I needed to hear them exactly how you said them because now I feel like I know you. That was the real you standing over there a little while ago, Liv, bearing your heart and your soul, and your body to me. You had nothing left to give, nothing left to hide, so you finally let me in.”
“You didn’t leave. They always leave.” The words come hoarsely out of my mouth as I try to choke back tears.
“I’m not them, Olivia. I’m not those other guys. I’m sorry they treated you so poorly, but you know what? I’m not sorry they left you.”
I look up at him a little surprised at his remark, but he’s smirking at me. “They’re loss is my gain, Beautiful, and I’ll take all that I can get with you. I’m glad you’re not with someone else. I’m grateful you weren’t with someone else when I met you.”
I can feel myself blushing.
“I’m so in love with you, Olivia. I would do anything for you; you know that, right? All you ever have to do is ask. I want to help you, to protect you, and not because I perceive you as weak because I don’t think you’re weak at all. I just want to be a man you can depend on to be there all the time.”
“I love you too, Finn; and I want you to be that man for me, too.”
We both lay in the bed for a few minutes, soaking in the emotions we just shared together. I’m not quite sure if I should keep myself awake, or just close my eyes and drift to sleep; but either way, I know I need to freshen up first. Finn’s voice answers my thoughts before I can say them.
“Come take a bath with me? It’s a Jacuzzi bathtub…plenty of room for two.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I slowly sit up and reach for one of the blankets to cover my body, but after watching me for a moment, Finn’s hands catch mine. He shakes his head at me and smiles. “Olivia, there’s no need to cover yourself now. You’re beautiful, and I like looking at you. Please. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not going to leave you. I promise.”
I gulp loudly and look at Finn in apprehension. I don’t know why I’m feeling so shy now, but I try hard to push it back and follow Finn’s confidence. As he slips out of the bed, he keeps a hold of my hand and helps me, showing me that he’s not shying away from me. It’s true that Finn strengthens me. When Finn is touching me, I feel like nobody can hurt me. I secretly pray that he holds on to me forever.
We both sink into the tub, relaxing our bodies in the warmth of the water. Finn grabs me and positions me in front of him between his legs. He rubs my shoulders, washing me with a warm soapy sponge. I revel in his soft touch and relax into him, laying my head back against his chest. I could easily fall asleep in his arms right here in this warm bath.
“Can I ask you a question?” he asks me cautiously. “I know it’s getting pretty late, so you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Of course you can ask me, Finn.”
He’s quiet for a minute squeezing the soapy water out of the sponge over my body. “Will you tell me about Max?”
I sit very still in the water waiting for the anxiety to creep through my body, for the fear and raw emotion to overtake my words; but as I release my breath, I realize that feeling isn’t here, and it’s not coming. I’m able to take another deep breath and release it without pain or fear or anger. My break down with Finn earlier is beginning to feel more like a successful cathartic exercise in airing out my dirty laundry. I feel better talking about Max than I ever have. Maybe I had just cried it all out and have no more emotion to give; I don’t know. Either way, I’m just fine not having another PTSD moment in front of Finn.
“What would you like to know? He saved my life, Finn.”
“I know he did, and I’m grateful for it; I am. But I don’t want to hear about your accident, I want to hear a good memory, like, when did you get him? And where?”
I smile remembering what Max looked like as a puppy. His paws were so big, like a clown wearing big red shoes, and his eyes were a piercing blue, much like Finn’s. “We rescued Max, actually. There’s a retriever rescue kennel in my hometown; the owners are friends of my parents, family friends now. Anyway, I was probably in fifth grade or so and really wanted a puppy after our previous family dog had passed away. I bugged my mom and dad about it for almost the entire school year before they finally caved. I think they weren’t ready, but I really needed the presence of a dog in the house; it just seemed empty without one, ya know?”
Finn stops rubbing my shoulders, causing me to turn my head and look back at him. He shakes his head and purses his lips. “No, actually, I don’t know. I never had a dog growing up. We traveled too much.”
“Ah. Right. I can understand that. Anyway, my mom’s friend, Eileen, is a huge dog lover and runs her own rescue shelter. Someone had brought in a pregnant chocolate lab. She ended up having four pups while at the shelter, so Eileen gave us one knowing how badly I wanted a dog. He was the cutest little puppy with huge paws and piercing blue eyes...like yours, actually.” I say, looking at Finn.
Finn’s eyes sparkle. “Are you saying I have puppy dog eyes?”
I giggle back at him nodding my head. “Yes, sometimes Finn, you do!”
"Mmm, I'll take that as a compliment."
"As you should. Max was an adorable puppy, and I loved him very much."
Finn wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses my neck. "So you didn't get another dog? You know - after?"
"No." I shake my head immediately. "I couldn't. I just…I don't know. My accident really changed my life, put me in a dark place for a while, more than a while I guess; and honestly, I just didn't want to do that to Max…start loving another dog, I mean. I couldn't betray him like that. So no, we didn't get another dog. I haven't even been to see Eileen at the dog shelter since my accident."
"I can understand your logic. I just wonder
if putting yourself ‘back on the horse’, as they say, would've been good for you, ya know. You loved Max; you still do love him. I can tell, and I don't mean to belittle that at all. I just wonder..."
"You wonder what I could be like with a dog like Toby." I already knew what Finn was getting at. “A therapy dog, I mean.”
"Well, I'm not suggesting a therapy-trained dog is going to replace Max in any way or bring back your confidence overnight, although, I'll be the first to admit it's done wonders for me. I just mean that you obviously have a love for dogs, or you did at one time. I just wonder if another dog in your life somewhere down the line could bring you comfort again that's all."
"I don't know.” I quietly move my hands slowly through the water. “If my reaction to Toby is any indication of how I would be around other dogs, I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with them again."
"Olivia, your reaction to Toby was entirely my fault. Had I known about your past, I would never have put you in the situation you found yourself in. At the very least, we could’ve talked about it first. Liv, it sickens me to think about yesterday, you fainting at the door, being literally sick all because of my actions. I’ll never be able to take that back, but I’ll spend my lifetime trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me. I just want to see you happy and not afraid to be you. I promised you I would never push you into something you aren't ready for, and I meant that, okay? I'm here for you, Liv, whatever you need, whenever you need it."
“What kind of therapy does Toby provide for you? You don’t own him, so it’s obviously not an around-the-clock type of thing?”
“Toby can sense if or when I’m about to have a panic attack or a flashback or a nightmare in general. He’s actually trained to lick my face or nudge me with his nose when it happens so I’ll wake up. He stays with me for a few days when I’m feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed. That’s when I seem to experience the most nightmares. A dog can be a wonderfully calming influence; I just don’t have the ability right now to own a dog full time in my home. I mean, before I met you, I was working all hours at the office and traveling whenever I could just to get out. That’s no life for a dog.”
“So he’s trained for PTSD?” I ask.
“Yes. He nudged you last night with his nose because he knew you were having a nightmare or flashback of some sort. That’s what woke you up once I had you on my couch.”
“I see.”
“His owner is a foster owner and volunteer with the pet therapy program. That’s how we met. I would love to own Toby, but with my traveling, I know I can’t provide him with a stable home life. So I’m sort of like a step-parent. I see him every other weekend or so. Sometimes more if life is stressful.”
I turn around and straddle Finn's legs. My fingers are pruny, but the water is still warm, and I’m very much enjoying my closeness with Finn.
"I love you, Finn. I'm so sorry if I’ve made life more stressful for you, but thank you...for proving to me what my heart already knew but was too scared to admit."
"Olivia."
Finn’s arms encircle my body and hold me against him in a comfortable embrace. Laying my head against his chest, it feels like our bodies were made to connect. We fit together like two matching puzzle pieces. Life feels perfect when we’re together. Finn is everything I ever wanted and everything I never knew I needed.
“We should get some sleep, Beautiful,” Finn whispers in my ear before kissing my neck one last time. “We have a big day tomorrow.”
I frown at him in confusion. “We do? There isn’t anything on my itinerary. I was just going to be a tourist for a while and work a little on my layout for the winery. Are we meeting with another client?”
“Nope. It’s a surprise, but I’ll tell you this,” Finn says smirking knowingly. “Tomorrow Olivia, you’re mine. For the whole day, just you and me and California.”
“Hmm...sounds like fun, if you think you can handle me for the day.”
Finn’s eyes narrow, and he grabs on to my waist. “Liv, I would love to handle you right now, and if we didn’t have an early flight, I would certainly take full advantage. That and I don’t have another condom easily accessible at the moment.”
My heart rate speeds up as I feel Finn’s arousal underneath me. I dip my hand in the water and close my hand around him, smiling as his breath hitches. I push myself up just enough to adjust him underneath me, so that I can sink down onto him.
“Olivia,” Finn gasps. “Baby, we can’t…”
“Shhh.” I kiss him, taking his words away from him. “I’m on the pill Finn. I’ve been on the pill for years.”
“But, I thought…” Finn’s eyes grow large, and he shakes his head, frowning slightly. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because I wanted to know that the guy I was going to share my body with was responsible enough to take care of himself and me. Well, that and you never really gave me the chance to tell you. We were sort of in the moment.”
A chuckle escapes Finn’s lips, which only heightens the electricity flow between us, making me gasp. “Olivia, you amaze me. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now shut up and kiss me.”
“You’ll never have to tell me twice,” Finn whispers, grinning against my lips.
21
The smell of coffee penetrates my nose before I even open my eyes. And what else am I smelling? Maple? Bacon? I slowly stretch my body in the sheets, expecting to reach out and touch Finn, but to no avail. I turn my head to see that Finn isn’t in bed with me. I don’t remember him getting up out of bed. I obviously slept harder than I expected.
Must’ve been the wine.
And umm...last night’s exercise.
I climb out of bed and reach for the white fluffy robe waiting for me on the chaise lounge sitting next to the bed. Finn thinks of everything. I make a quick pit stop in the bathroom to freshen up and then follow the mouthwatering smell wafting from the kitchenette on the other side of the bungalow. There he is as I peek around the corner, the man I am lucky enough to call mine, looking sexy as ever in his lounge pants and no shirt.
Holy Hell how does he look so hot so early in the morning?
“Barefoot and in the kitchen,” I joke. “Just the way I like ‘em!”
My unexpected appearance and humor catches Finn off guard enough that he misses the bowl as he cracks an egg that now bleeds all over the countertop. I try to cover my mouth to hide my laughter, but it’s too late. He hears my giggles and is laughing at himself, or me, as well. His smile lights up my soul.
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” he asks as he grabs for a towel to clean up the mess he made.
“Hmm. We’ll see. Maybe one day, but I never said I could cook, so be careful what you wish for.”
“I’ll remember that. I guess you should feel pretty lucky to have me then, huh? A guy who can cook…”
“Finn, I would still want you even if you couldn’t put jelly on peanut butter, but this,” I say motioning to the breakfast he’s preparing. “This is all bonus, but what are you doing cooking breakfast so early? It’s only six o'clock in the morning.”
“Yeah, I know.” He says serving me a plate of delicious-looking French toast and bacon. “Room service doesn’t open until seven, so I ordered a few groceries to be delivered to the room so I could cook for you. Eat up; our flight leaves in thirty minutes, and we need to be ready to go.”
“Wait, what? What flight? Where are we going?”
“I told you, it’s a surprise, but we only have a small window to get there before what I want you to see is gone for the day. So, eat your breakfast, Liv, and throw on some clothes...or go in your robe, whatever you like, but don’t forget your camera.”
“HA! Okay, okay I get it. Food in mouth, clothes on body, grab camera. I’m on it.” I pick up my fork and take a bite of my breakfast as Finn brings me a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice. We both eat our beautifully prepared breakfast quickly. Finn really is an exceptional
cook. We dress for a casual day out and leave our bungalow in the early morning light. I thought we were walking back to the welcome house to catch a cab to the airport, but instead, Finn has a golf cart pick us up outside and drop us off at the helipad where a black helicopter emblazoned with the Seal Lake Winery logo is waiting for us.
“Oh my God, Finn! Is this for real? We’re really flying in that?”
Finn chuckles at my shock. “Yes, we are. Trust me; you’ll love what we’re going to see, and you’ll be glad you have your camera with you.”
“Wait, before we go, speaking of cameras...” I pull my camera out of my shoulder bag and stand as close to Finn as I can get so that I can snap a picture of the both of us. “I should’ve done this last night, but in all honesty, I don’t need a photograph to remember any part of those moments.”
“I don’t either, Olivia. Pictures can say a thousand words, but there’s not a picture you can take that can say the three words I got to hear from your lips last night.”
I hug Finn as he holds my camera out at arm’s length to snap a quick picture of the two of us again before we begin our adventure for the day. We climb into the helicopter with the help of the pilot, strap ourselves in, and place our headphones over our ears. Before I can even turn to look out my window, we are off the ground and flying across the winery. The view during this spectacular sunrise is breathtaking. The water of Seal Lake glistens like shiny diamonds in the early morning sunshine, and from a birds-eye view, the lake provides a mirror image reflection of the trees and gardens surrounding it. I swear, if the helicopter would land right now, I would be happy and content with the stunning treat I just experienced. I grab Finn’s hand and look over my shoulder to find him watching me. I tilt my head and smile at his awed grin.
“You’ve done this before haven’t you?” I yell into the microphone that hangs down from my headphones. I can tell by his lack of enthusiasm for wanting to look out the window that helicopter rides are, obviously, not a new thing for him.