“Is that why you came on to me in London?” As soon as the words left me, I felt a surge of regret. It was the first time either of us had mentioned what had happened on the plane, and I was certain I’d just fucked up what had been a mostly decent day.
She cast her eyes down. “That was . . .”
When she trailed off, I wondered how her sentence was going to end. A mistake. Nostalgia. Desperation. Perfection.
She met my eyes again and shrugged. “Well, it was what it was, and perhaps it’s better if it’s left at that.”
Even though my heart plummeted at her words, I nodded with the best smile I could. When the air between us grew awkward, I decided I couldn’t let the moment hang. “I don’t know if I’m going to get in trouble again for this shit, Alyssa, but I was telling the truth before when I said you were beautiful. I mean you were always fucking beautiful but now you’re just stunning.”
She blushed and her eyes dropped back to her hands. I wasn’t sure what to expect, especially after being shut down over the London thing, but when she raised her gaze again she simply whispered, “Thank you.”
“It’s just the truth.” I brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The atmosphere between us shifted again, and the sensation of touching her ran from my fingers straight down into the pit of my stomach. She closed her eyes and leaned ever so slightly into my touch. The urge to reach across and kiss her burned in the pit of my stomach like a fucking desperate need.
Instead, I dropped my hand and leaned back, feeling a little breathless, but in a really good way. It was amazing how strong the impact of one innocent touch shared with her could be.
Alyssa exhaled and her breath quavered a little as it came out. She put her hand on the door handle, and I knew I had to stop her. I didn’t want our day to be over yet. Even though the morning had been heavy and hard, the afternoon shopping trip had been like nothing I’d experienced in a long time. The whole time we’d bantered, joked, and basically acted like we were actually friends. We’d fallen straight back into how it had always been for us. It just felt so fucking natural.
I had to think of some way to prolong our time together. I could only think of one. “Do you think I could meet her?”
As soon as the words left my mouth I realised it wasn’t just a way to stay with Alyssa. I actually genuinely wanted to meet Phoebe. My daughter. I couldn’t say if it was because Alyssa had told me about our similarities, or whether it was something I’d wanted all along but just couldn’t admit to myself. With the words out in the open, a burning and urgent desire to meet my daughter had built.
Alyssa seemed to consider my words and stared at my face for a long time. She twirled the ends of her hair around her fingers—a nervous gesture from years ago—and frowned.
“I don’t care how you introduce me. You can just say I’m a fucking friend of the family or whatever, but please, Alyssa? Please, let me do this?”
She considered me for another half a minute. “On one condition.”
“You and your fucking conditions,” I muttered, but tried to keep my tone light. I knew she had every right to be as fucking demanding as she wanted after what she’d been through. But fucking hell, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t trying my fucking hardest to do what she needed.
She rolled her eyes. “Just watch your mouth, please.” Alyssa paused and I thought that she was just admonishing me for my muttering until she continued, “She picks things up very easily.”
I nodded and smiled. “I’ll try.”
With her permission solidified, my heart pounded in my chest. Could I really do it? I was going to do this, but fucking could I?
Alyssa smiled at me quickly and then turned and opened her door. I was frozen in place. I took a deep breath and eventually found the strength to open my door and climb out too. When I shut the door, it was harder than I usually would and I cursed myself for slamming it. If anyone else had fucking done it, I’d have been all up in their face. At that moment though, I was dazed. Alyssa seemed to realise how lost and anxious I was.
“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?”
I shook my head and took another deep breath. “No, I’m really not,” I said, determined to be honest with her whatever the cost. “But I want to do this, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready for the first time.”
She played with the ends of her hair again. It was proof that the thought of me meeting Phoebe was as nerve-wracking for her as it was for me. “Would you rather wait until you’ve had some time to discuss it with someone else?”
Figuring she was referring to the agreement that I see a shrink, I shook my head. If I didn’t do it right then, I’d always find some other reason. Some other excuse. Partly, I was worried about screwing up and saying the wrong thing. Underneath everything though, I knew what my fucking problem was: the knowledge that one little girl would likely have a pull over me one hundred times stronger than Alyssa did. That truth echoed into the very depths of my soul and it frightened the living shit out of me.
Alyssa grabbed hold of my hand. “You can do this. She’s just a little girl. She won’t bite . . . hard.” She laughed.
I walked to the house, unsure of how my feet were moving because I sure as shit knew I wasn’t telling them to. Alyssa pushed open the door. “Flynn? Pheebs?”
My heart thundered in my ears until it was drowned out by an excited squeal. “Mummy!”
The little girl from the photo, the miniature Alyssa with my eyes, rounded the corner. Her eyes widened and she froze in place when she saw me. Alyssa bent over and put her arms out and Phoebe ran into them. She wrapped her tiny arms around Alyssa’s neck and Alyssa stood, pulling Phoebe up with her. She whispered into Phoebe’s ear, “This is Declan. He’s a friend of Mummy’s.”
When Alyssa said my name, Phoebe’s face lit up into a huge smile. It looked just like my fucking smile. The sight was so surreal. Her eyes were bright as she declared, “Declan . . . Auntie Ruby’s friend.”
“What’s that, sweetie?” Alyssa asked.
My heart started to thunder again. I wondered whether or not Alyssa knew about that phone call and I didn’t want her to be pissed at me if she didn’t. It wasn’t like I’d deliberately kept it from her, it’d just never come up.
Thankfully, the moment was interrupted by Flynn coming out from the hallway. “Hey, Lys. Oh, hi again, Declan.”
I nodded, but didn’t look at him. I couldn’t look anywhere else. The vision of Alyssa and Phoebe together was too powerful for me to even try to tear my eyes from. Apart, they were each beautiful and held my heart captive, but the two of them together like that was enough to fucking cleave my heart in two at any thought of ever leaving again.
“Are you going to come to my birthday party, Declan?” Phoebe asked.
My mouth was dry, I couldn’t even think of anything appropriate to say.
“Your birthday is a long way off, sweetie,” Alyssa whispered.
I could hear in her voice the doubt that I would still be around then. I wanted to tell them both that without a doubt I would be there, but I couldn’t. There was too much that was still unknown. Too much damage still to fix. The fact that I would be back in Sydney then was a big fucking issue too.
I stood and stared at Phoebe, and she stared back at me, that fucking grin plastered across her face.
“You’ve got blue eyes like me,” she said, pointing at my face.
Fuck. The elephant in the room grew exponentially. I closed the distance a little.
“My hair’s different though,” I said, running my hand over my auburn spikes. I looked to Alyssa for guidance, because I had no idea how the fuck to talk to a child.
“It’s pretty and red,” Phoebe said. “My hair’s brown.”
I smiled. “It’s pretty too. It looks just like your mummy’s used to when she was little.”
Alyssa had tensed and looked uncomfortable throughout our exchange. Even though I wanted desperately to alleviate the tension, there w
as only one way I could think of and I didn’t want to fucking do it. Not yet. Still, I decided to man up and do it for Alyssa. For the first time in fucking years, I did something I didn’t want to do for the sake of someone else. “Well, thanks for the help today, Lys. I’ll . . . um . . . I’ll be heading off now. I’ll see you later though, yeah?”
She nodded, the look of relief on her face both astonishing and fucking depressing. Feeling it was clear she didn’t want me there, I turned to leave. Then I debated with myself for one second before turning and giving Alyssa, and then Phoebe, a quick peck on the cheek. I swept out the door before my resolve to leave dissolved completely. I pulled the door shut behind me, and then braced myself against it for a few seconds, knowing without doubt that my life was different to what it had been before. The simple fact was my life was no longer my own. It now belonged to the little girl with the turquoise eyes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: SHRINK
MUM WAS OUT when I arrived home from dropping Alyssa off. I hoped like fuck she’d left me a spare key somewhere because I had no idea where my house keys were. I couldn’t even remember if I’d taken them with me when I’d left for Sydney. Even if I had, I certainly hadn’t brought them back up with me. I hadn’t even thought to grab any before I left on my walk with Alyssa. I searched in all the usual hiding spots, but couldn’t see anything. Even the letterbox was empty. I decided either Mum hadn’t given it a second thought or, more likely, was probably punishing me for taking off in the car without telling her and then being gone for so long without a phone call.
I walked through the gate into the backyard to wait. Sitting at the outdoor setting, I pulled out my phone. For the first time in over a week, I turned it on. Mostly because I needed it to make a vital call, but I’d also decided it was time to face the messages from Bathurst and deal with the fallout. Despite the fact that almost two weeks had passed since I’d crashed, I still hadn’t looked at them.
There was a steady stream of early messages from Morgan, all containing pretty much the same sentiments he’d offered when he’d arrived unannounced on my doorstep the night of the race. There were a few dozen from Eden, the latest one from just the day before. Somehow, she knew I was back in the country and wanted to catch up.
Fuck me.
The thought of having to explain to anyone from Sinclair Racing why I was in Brisbane was almost inconceivable. Especially when everything was still so fucking up in the air with Alyssa. I wondered how I could even begin to tell them about Phoebe or worse—Emmanuel. I was still trying to fucking understand it all myself, I didn’t think I could explain it to anyone else.
I’d barely finished reading the texts and listening to the voice mails when my phone rang. Eden’s number flashed up on the screen. For half a second, I thought about not answering it but I knew what Eden was like. The fact that the phone was even ringing at all and not going straight to message bank would tell her that my phone was on. If I hung up on her before talking to her, I’d never hear the end of it. She’d probably send me out on slicks when it was going to pour down with rain. It was early in the game that I’d learned it was best not to fuck with anyone who held your safety in their hands.
“Hi, Edie,” I greeted, pretending everything was fucking sunshine and roses.
“Well, if it isn’t the missing man himself.”
“I wasn’t missing, Eden,” I explained with a slow measure. “I was in London. I know you know that.”
“But you got back the night before last and I haven’t had a single phone call from you.”
Somehow, I just knew she was pouting as she said the words.
“I just decided I needed more of a break away from everyone.”
“What do you mean? Wasn’t that the point of London? Why’d you leave there if you still needed to be away?”
“Didn’t really like it. It was too cold for me.” God this lying shit was far too easy, especially over the phone.
“Sure.” She didn’t sound like she bought the lie as readily as I’d hoped. “So where are you now?”
“In Brisbane.”
All I heard was her stunned silence.
“You there, Edie?” I asked, trying to stifle the amusement in my tone.
“You’re in Brisbane?”
“Yeah.”
“Seriously?”
“Eden, why on earth would I lie about where I am?”
“I just . . . Well, I guess, I just didn’t think you’d go back there.”
“I’ve come to Brisbane plenty of times.” Which was technically true, although it was the first time I’d returned to Browns Plains. Usually I gave it as wide a berth as possible.
“Sure, I guess, usually with someone from here though. I can’t remember you ever going there voluntarily. So whereabouts in Brisbane are you?”
Fuck, she was annoying. I could lie again, but I found I didn’t really want to deceive her. She was the closest thing to a friend I had in Sydney. Fuck, she was the closest thing I had to a friend, full stop. At least until I could rebuild what I’d once shared with Alyssa.
“Browns Plains.”
She laughed, a nervous kind of chuckle. “I really didn’t think you’d ever go back there.”
You and me both. I decided to play her for a bit and see if she’d admit to the whole talking about me to my mother behind my back thing. “Why not, Eden? My parents are here after all.”
“I didn’t think you got along with your parents?” I could hear the hesitation in her voice.
“Is that just a gut feeling?” I paused but not long enough for her to answer. “Or something you gleaned from your multiple conversations with my mother?”
To my surprise, Eden laughed. There wasn’t a trace of embarrassment in her voice. “She told you about that, did she?”
“Some of it.”
“Kelly and I have become close over the years.”
Kelly? It was so weird hearing Mum’s name come from Eden, as if they were long-time friends. I guessed they were, even if I’d only just learned of it.
“She’s really lovely, and she was really worried about you.”
“Yeah, when I went off the deep end four fucking years ago. That doesn’t explain continued conversations.”
I could almost hear the eye rolling going on at her end of the call. “You think I shouldn’t care about her just because she’s your mother?”
“Really, I don’t give a fuck whether you’re friends with her or not, I just don’t like people sneaking around behind my fucking back. Especially not people who I fucking counted as a friend.”
“Declan, of course I’m your friend. Morgan is too.”
“Leave that fucking boyfriend of yours out of it. There was nothing friendly about his last visit.”
She chuckled. “If you’d just given him a black eye in return like usual you wouldn’t be so pissed at him right now.”
I couldn’t argue because she was right but regardless, I was pissed. Although at what exactly I wasn’t sure anymore—the world in general would do. “I bet the three of you thought it was fucking hilarious talking about all my dirty laundry.”
“Yes, Declan. You’re right. We do nothing else with our time but talk about you.” Each word was dripping with sarcasm. “I have no other possible reason for calling your mother.”
I sighed. I really didn’t need her giving me sarcastic shit. More than anything, I was regretting turning my phone back on.
Her tone snapped back to normal, if still slightly pissy. “It might surprise you to learn this, but the world doesn’t revolve around you. Yes, you may have been the reason Kelly and I started to talk, but I honestly can’t remember the last time you were discussed other than in passing. Anyway, I didn’t call you up to fucking get abused.”
“Sorry. I’ve just had a fucking stressful week.”
She laughed. “You have had a stressful year.”
She was fucking right about that, and I knew what I needed to do to start fixing that. “Eden?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still have Dr. Henrikson’s number?”
“Sure. Somewhere at least. I can find it for you if you like? I thought you stopped seeing him though?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“So why do you want his number?”
“’Cause he’s the only fucking shrink I want to talk to. Is that okay with you or did I forget to ask your fucking permission?” I snapped.
“Yes, of course. Sorry for fucking asking. I think it’s a good thing you’re going back to see him.”
She honestly couldn’t resist fucking sticking her nose into my business, could she?
“Can you just text me that number when you find it.”
“Sure thing. So can we expect to see you back in the office soon? I know Morgan is hanging for a night out.”
“I don’t know, Edie, I’m not sure whether Danny wants me back before the testing in January. Besides, I’m not sure how long I’ll be in Brisbane for.”
“Mmmm? And what’s so special that it’s keeping you there for an extended stay?”
My heart hammered in my chest knowing the answer to that question. Well, the two answers. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about it all to anyone yet. Then again, Eden would be the most understanding, and it would be nice to have someone on my side of the fence knowing about it. For another minute, I continued my internal debate.
“My daughter,” I finally managed to whisper when the “tell her” side won.
I got no response. I wasn’t sure whether Eden had heard or not, but I sure as fuck couldn’t speak again. Not without throwing up. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely hold the phone up to my ear.
“Your what?” Eden whispered back; her voice had no more volume than mine.
If I’d had any doubts about Mum’s story about Eden not knowing, they were swept away by the shock in Eden’s voice. She wasn’t that good of an actress.
“Phoebe.” Her name gave me a little bit of strength. “My daughter.”
“Wow. Daughter. You have a daughter. Wow. That’s just . . . Wow.”
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