Her lips blew soft breaths across my ear as she whispered her devotion to me.
Raising myself up onto my elbows, I took a moment to revel in her subtle beauty. Desperation grew in me to drink in every feature, as if it were my last opportunity to see her like this. I tried not to linger on the fact that it could be, because the doubt would ruin the moment.
Resting my forehead against hers, I pushed my hips forward harder, getting deeper and more aggressive with each thrust. In turn, her hips bucked back against me faster and faster.
Her eyes closed as her back arched, and her mouth formed a delicious O as the muscles of her thighs began to tighten in anticipation of things to come.
I felt myself coming undone too, and I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to fall.
When I kissed her lips again, Alyssa came around me. Her walls clenched and released around my length. The sensation was my undoing. I gave one last grunt as I followed.
After the last tremors of my orgasm stilled, I dropped onto the bed beside her, dragging her with me so she stayed in my arms.
Neither of us moved for the longest time. Moving would be taking that first step toward the difficult conversations we anticipated sharing this weekend.
Anticipated but feared—at least in my case.
Eventually, she sighed and shifted, indicating a desire to get up. When she climbed out of the bed, she headed straight for the bathroom and started the shower. Because she’d left the door open, I was able to watch as she climbed under the stream, sending rivers of water flowing over her breasts and down the length of her legs. Water cascaded along her beautiful body, and the sight was too much for me.
I practically leapt out of bed to join her. Unable to suppress the desire she raised in me, I took her in my arms under the warm stream. With her in my hold, it was easy to caress her body and lavish her mouth with soft kisses.
Anxiety built in the pit of my stomach, and I wanted to get the hard part of our isolation out of the way. There was never going to be a right time, so I just took a deep breath and launched into the first question. One that had been burning at the back of my mind since the race meeting that had started my downward spiral. Since the day I’d seen her in the arms of Flynn, and the fires of jealousy were stoked deep within me.
I knew now that he was gay, but the image still gave me pause.
“How many have there been?” I asked as I kissed along her collarbone.
“What?” she asked the ceiling, her voice little more than a soft pant.
“How many . . . men?” I asked, adding the last word almost silently against her skin.
“You’re asking me this now?” she asked, disbelief evident in her tone.
I rubbed the tip of my nose along the curve of her neck as I whispered, “It’s what this weekend was supposed to be about, right?”
“Ugh! Yes, but . . . now?”
A soft chuckle left my lips and brushed her skin, raising a small trail of goosebumps.
“Fine.” She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. She handed me a towel before wrapping one around herself as she walked back out and sat on the end of the bed. She was quiet as she dried herself off, and I could understand why. It wasn’t the sort of conversation you had dressed in nothing more than a towel. I pulled on a pair of boxers and my shorts before sitting on the bed beside her. When I did, she rested her head on my shoulder. I assumed the position was so that she didn’t have to look at me while she spoke, but it left me comforted by her touch, so that was fine by me.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I murmured. Although she was the one who’d suggested no unanswered questions, I was willing to let her off the hook if she didn’t want to answer it. The truth was, since asking the question I was more anxious than ever to learn the truth.
“No. We said everything on the table, right? That means for both of us.” She moved her head a little, kissing my throat. I wrapped my arm around her, and she snuggled against my chest. “I didn’t even try dating until after the twins. And then, well, I attempted a few times. For a while at least. Not a lot, just some nights out after uni and things like that. It was all too hard though. So many guys just wanted an easy lay and nothing else, you know?”
I flinched at her words because that was me. That was who I’d been for so long.
“Oh, Dec, I didn’t mean . . .” She trailed off.
“You did.” I twisted so I could gather her completely in my hold. “Remember, we promised honesty.”
“Okay, maybe I did. But I never wanted that. Sex without emotion. It’s just not me.”
“I know, Lys. And now, I can see why.” I caressed her cheek and lifted her chin so she’d meet my gaze. “It’s better when it comes from here.” I pressed my hand over her heart.
She clasped my hand and lifted it to her lips. When she dropped it again, she wore a small smile. “In the end, outside of a couple of sloppy end-of-date kisses, there was only really Cain.”
Cain—Flynn’s brother. She’d told me a little about their relationship previously.
“Did you ever . . .” I wanted to ask whether she had fucked him, but the question stuck in my throat.
She seemed to understand anyway and shook her head. “No. I mean, we weren’t completely celibate, but we never—” She cut off and sighed. “You’re the only one I—” She chuckled darkly. “Why is this so hard?”
It was hard watching her struggle. It was harder listening to her talk about being with other guys—even though I was the one who’d asked the question. Now that the conversation had started though, I could see the advantage behind getting everything out in the open and moving forward with no secrets. There wouldn’t need to be any lingering doubts over what happened to each of us during our time apart.
As her words settled over me, relief and joy bubbled up within me. It was absolutely fucking hypocritical of me, considering how many girls I’d been with while we were apart, but I couldn’t help but be glad that I was the only one who had known her carnally. It wouldn’t have made me think less of her if she’d slept with a hundred guys, but I still felt a little bit of tension leave my body with the knowledge that she hadn’t.
“Will you . . .” She trailed off before sucking in a deep breath. “Will you tell me what happened after you left?”
I nodded. “It’s a long story though.” I pulled her up the bed and lay down with her in my arms, her head tucked against my shoulder.
Before I could second-guess my words, I began my story of a dark descent into drugs, alcohol, and screwing random women. Shifting as far away from Alyssa as I could without actually letting her go, I dropped my head back and whispered my tale to the ceiling. I was unable to meet her eyes for fear of seeing the disappointment I was certain would be buried beneath the honey-gold surface. I told her the story of the nightclubs and strip clubs. I held nothing back, explaining how Eden had saved me—how she’d prevented me from going to work under the influence. In the middle of my explanation, I told her about my recent discovery that Danny knew all along.
I didn’t stop there.
I launched straight into my train wreck of a life. Without pause, I told Alyssa all of my secrets. The fact that she’d haunted my dreams, making me unable to sleep. How whenever I was finally able to find rest, I was subjected to nightmares of our break-up strong enough to render me helpless. Of how I spent so many nights cowering under my blankets, hiding from her memory until I would finally throw them off and go in search of alcohol or tablets to numb the pain I felt in my chest. How I began to rely on sleeping tablets to get the bare minimum sleep I needed to function.
Without waiting for her disapproval or rejection, I moved straight on to the details of my sessions with Dr. Henrikson. The things we’d covered and what I hadn’t told him. The way he’d guided me through rehab for what could have easily grown into a serious drug addiction. How we’d ended the relationship when I’d thrown a temper tantrum in his office over his refusal to li
sten when I’d said Alyssa was off limits. She moved closer to me after the admission, laying her head on my chest. She’d already known she was the reason I was back in contact with him, but she hadn’t known she’d also been the cause of our rift.
Her silence was no doubt simply her rapt attention, but it scared the hell out of me anyway. I worried that the instant I stopped talking, she would leap from my arms in disgust at the things I admitted to doing.
So I didn’t stop.
I confessed that everything I’d constructed, every lie I’d told myself to stay sane, had fallen apart when I’d seen her in Flynn’s arms at Queensland Raceway. How from that day forward memories of her filled my waking hours too. How I’d seen visions of her during every race and that my regret over letting her go—giving her the chance to move on and be happy with someone else—was the reason I had crashed so often.
Holding on to her shoulders to ground me, I barely took a breath before recapping how I felt seeing her on the flight to London and how the night we’d had “sex without strings” had been one of the lowest points in my entire life. Not because of what we’d shared, just because she’d left the room—left me—moments after I’d finally realised how much she actually meant to me.
Trying to reassure her that it wasn’t all negative, I told her about the first time I saw Phoebe. How in just a few hours, our daughter had been able to twist herself through every piece of my heart, weaving between the broken pieces to become the thread that held them all back together again. And how I’d felt when Alyssa had granted me the chance to be in their lives permanently.
Finally, when I had nothing left to say, I felt truly exorcised. I expelled a breath and waited. The demons I’d long grown used to in my mind were finally silenced. They’d had their voices heard, and Alyssa was still at my side. There were no doubts left in me. No little niggling warning telling me to run from Alyssa or worrying about what the attraction to her meant for me.
I kissed the top of her head before pulling myself from her arms and standing. With the strange peace filling me, I went into my bag and grabbed a letter I had brought with me. For the first time since I’d started my story, I met her gaze. By sharing the words I’d written, I was revealing the most vulnerable parts of myself.
Her face showed signs of concern and worry. Her eyes were slightly reddened from the tears that had been welling and quite possibly falling as I’d spoken. I wasn’t sure whether the tears were the result of some pity she felt for me or whether my confessions had caused her genuine pain. Either way, I wanted them to be the last ones I caused her, even though I knew they probably wouldn’t be.
I handed her the letter. “I want you to read this. I wrote it after I found out you’d left Brisbane. When I thought you’d left because you thought I’d cheated on you.”
My heart pounded somewhere in my throat as I watched her eyes scan the page. A range of emotions flitted across her face as she read the words I’d wanted so desperately to tell her at the time. Words I’d worried could never convey the depth of my sorrow at the thought of losing her and Phoebe.
In the days that followed her dash to Sydney, we hadn’t talked about anything more than my absolute pleasure in seeing her again and my devastation over losing my position on the Sinclair Racing team. Alyssa had stayed in Sydney for such a short amount of time that we didn’t really have the opportunity to reflect on the past—only look to the future. The thought had occurred to me at the time to show her what I had written during what was without doubt the darkest period in my life, but I didn’t think I could open myself up like that.
Once she’d talked about the weekend of getting it all out, I knew she had to know what I’d felt. If there was anything that could convince her how much I felt for her—how desperately I wanted her as a permanent part of my life—it was that letter.
After she had finished reading, she stared intently at the page. “Dec, it’s . . . I . . .” She trailed off and took a deep breath. She looked up at me. The warmth and desire reflected in her eyes was obvious, even through her fresh tears. “I love you.”
I knew then that regardless of what happened next, we would be all right.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: UNITED FRONT
FOR THE REST of our weekend, Alyssa and I talked a little but fucked a lot. Whenever a question popped into her head, she’d ask it, but having the cathartic start left us free to spend the time exploring each other’s bodies rather than our emotions. By the time lunch rolled around on the Saturday, we were treating the motel room as clothing optional, only dressing long enough to get food to take back to the motel.
“I’m so glad you suggested this weekend,” I said as I curled up behind her, cupping her arse with my hand. The instant the words were free, I nipped at her neck.
She tipped her head back so that I could explore more. “You’re insatiable. You know that, right?”
I chuckled. She was only saying that because we’d only finished our last session minutes earlier—me taking her from behind over the end of the bed. It didn’t matter though, my cock was already starting to stir once again. “Well, after you leave on Monday, who knows how long it’ll be before I see you again. I’m getting my fill.”
She rolled over in my arms, pressing her breasts against my chest. “I don’t want to think about it.”
“Me either. Let’s just think about this instead,” I said as I kissed her neck.
“You’ll have to come up for Christmas.”
My lips trailed over her collarbone, peppering kisses over her skin. “That’s weeks away still.”
“Come up sooner then. It’s not like you’ve got anything you need to do urgently here.”
I pulled away with a grimace. “Don’t remind me.”
Failure. Jobless. Arsehole. The words raced each other through my brain, each jostling for position so that it could be the one to do the most damage.
She cupped her hands around my face, drawing my lips to hers and stopping the words in their tracks. “It’ll work out.”
“How?”
“Well, have you thought about what you want to do?”
“You?” I nuzzled my face against her neck.
“C’mon, be serious. What else can you see yourself doing?”
Reluctantly, I rolled away from her and stared at the ceiling while I contemplated my answer. “I’d like to still be at the track . . . somehow. It was the one thing that kept me going over the years. I know you probably think it’s what kept me from you, but really it’s what kept me sane. Or at least, as sane as I was. It just feels like home, you know?”
Instead of arguing or trying to persuade me of a different career choice, Alyssa simply asked, “Well, what other positions are there?”
“Race controller, but I don’t have enough experience to do that. Then there are all the tech guys, but those positions all involve qualifications I don’t have.”
“What else?”
I hummed as I considered my options. “There’s the pit crew.”
“But?”
“Well, they’re crack teams. It’s not like you can just walk onto the team with no experience. Besides, there’s still the issue of the scandal hanging over my head.”
“Maybe we need to fight fire with fire,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t going to say anything, because I wasn’t really considering it, but I had Woman’s Idea contact me the other day.”
“What?”
“They wanted to get my side of the story, apparently. They’d done a little digging and knew about Emmanuel. They found out a little about the history and thought I’d been portrayed a little too negatively.”
At the mention of our son’s name, stillness settled over us. I’d been moving my lips over her body before, but in that moment, I stopped and pulled her body closer to mine to offer my comfort.
“They seemed willing to do a more balanced article. Maybe we can offer them an exclusive in exchange for final editorial ap
proval.”
I frowned. “But you didn’t want to do it.”
“Not alone, but, Dec, I meant what I said about presenting a united front. Maybe this is a chance to do that. I hadn’t really thought about suggesting it to them until now, but how good would it be to have the truth out there? Our truth. To be able to shove the lies back in the faces of all of those bastards who were so willing to sell you out?” She sounded almost desperate to have it done.
I had to admit her plan had some merit. “It’s all about the spin,” I murmured. It was what Paige Wood had said to me when she’d been trying to persuade me to join her race team.
“Exactly. Maybe it’ll be the start of making you into someone that the sponsors clamour to get behind. You know if you can do that, you’ll have all the teams banging on your door.”
“All except the one I want.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know Danny. His pride will stop him from getting me back on the track, even if I had a thousand corporate backers all lined up and ready.”
“Why do you want back on Sinclair Racing so badly then?”
“It’s hard to explain, but it’s like a family. He’s been more of a father to me in the last four years than my dad has. Being dumped the way I was, it fucking hurt, but you can’t hate your family even when they hurt you.” Mostly. My father was one exception.
“Have you tried explaining that to Mr. Sinclair?”
I laughed. “No. And our last conversation didn’t go much better than the one where he fired me.”
“Maybe you should?”
“Maybe.” It was more an automated response than an agreement.
“Will you?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“So your pride won’t allow you to go back, even though you say it’s the perfect workplace?”
I chuckled. “Touché.”
“On Monday, I’ll talk to the reporter who called me the other day. I’ll see if they’re still interested.”
Declan Reede: The Untold Story (Complete Series) Page 88