by Tina Beckett
An oblivion that was more beautiful than anything she’d ever experienced.
She loved him. God. She couldn’t get enough of those words, wanted desperately to say them aloud, but she didn’t dare, clenching her teeth around them and keeping them inside.
Then it was over. She pulled in a breath and then another, her fingers reaching to sift through his hair. And then he opened those gorgeous brown eyes of his, and she was lost all over again.
“That was...incredible.” He reached up and cupped the back of her head, tugging her down for a kiss. And then another. “I can’t seem to get enough of you.”
“I think you just did.”
One side of his mouth went up in a smile. “You only think I did. But that was your turn. And now it’s mine.”
Then he turned onto his side, dumping her off him. “Hey!” Her brief attempt at a protest ended in a laugh as he climbed to his feet and reached down a hand.
“This time we’re going to bed. You don’t have to go home, and I already am home, so you’re going to spend the night.”
He didn’t ask, which made her smile. “What makes you think I’ll say yes?”
“Remember that thing you wanted me to do? The one I said no to?”
A spark ignited in her belly. “Are you saying...?”
His smile grew. “Tell me you’ll spend the night, and you’ll find out.”
“I’ll spend the night. Gladly.” He didn’t have to coax her. She would have stayed even without the hinted promise.
“Then, my dear, you’re about to get your wish. And I’m about to get mine.” With that he led her through to the bedroom and shut the door behind them.
CHAPTER TEN
ZEKE WOKE UP in a swirl of confusion, unsure of where he was. For a panicked second, he thought he’d forgotten to go to work before realizing it was still early. He glanced at the readout on his phone. Barely six.
He heard some kind of scraping noise, like furniture being dragged across the floor, and tensed before the events of the previous night came flooding back.
Lindy had stayed with him and they’d made love... He tried to count and failed. The events were pretty much a blur. Except for the fact that his muscles were loose and relaxed, so much so that he wasn’t sure they were going to let him get up.
But where was Lindy?
Had she left?
He frowned before hearing the same sound he’d noticed a second ago, a little louder this time.
That had to be her. But what was she doing? Trying to leave before he woke up?
He didn’t like that. Last night, just before he’d dropped off to sleep, he’d had a vague plan of getting up, cooking her breakfast and then having a long talk.
Cranking himself out of bed, protest of muscles or not, he somehow made it to his feet and headed into the other room. He was afraid that if he stopped to get dressed, she’d be gone before he could stop her.
He made it through the door and came to an abrupt halt. She’d righted the bookcase and was in the process of putting the spilled contents back on it, gathering papers and giving them a tap to neaten them.
“You don’t have to do that.”
She whirled around. “Good morning to you too. And I wanted to. It’s a good feeling to know that I can knock over a bookcase without making someone angry.”
“Never. I take it we’re talking about Luke.”
“Yes. That last day with him was...” Her eyes skated down his length. “It’s really hard to talk to you when you’re standing there naked.”
He gave her a slow smile. “Okay. Give me a sec.”
He went and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and then arrived back in the room. “I want to hear the rest of the story. This is the day you got away?”
“Yes. Remember I told you he opened credit cards in my name? Well, I found out and confronted him. He flew into such a rage, screaming that I knew nothing about him. I’d seen him angry before, but this was different, and I knew I had to leave. But when I went to get Daisy, he blocked my access to her. That scared me. I backed away and went into the kitchen, dialing 911 as I went.
“I barely got out my name and address when I felt him behind me. His arm wrapped around my neck and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I knew I was going to die. All I could think about was Daisy, how I should have left long ago, how I should have protected her. Then I blacked out. There must have been a police officer right around the corner, because when I came to, somehow I was alive and Luke was on the floor. There was blood everywhere. They told me he grabbed an officer’s gun as he was being arrested, and they’d had no choice but to shoot.”
Zeke took a step forward. “I knew it was bad. Hell, Lind, but I didn’t know it was that bad. I’ll be honest. I’m glad he’s dead, because I’d be tempted to put him in the ground myself.”
Lindy went back to picking things up, setting another stack of papers on one of the lower shelves. He went over to stop her, to make her turn around and face him, when he recognized something she had in her hand. A small pile of printer paper that was stacked together. He saw her look at it and frown, her head tilting in question.
“Who’s this?”
She turned it toward him and there, facing him, was a picture of his daughter. And not just any picture, it was one of the ones he’d been avoiding looking for. They hadn’t been in his desk after all, they’d been on that bookshelf.
Every ounce of pain that he’d felt after seeing that picture roll off his printer returned in full force, and he felt himself shut down, even as her question hung in the air. What the hell was wrong with him? She’d just opened up to him and told him about the worst day of her life. So why couldn’t he tell her about his?
Because he couldn’t.
Maybe it was some character flaw in him, maybe he was just not built like normal people, but he knew he wasn’t going to talk to her about it. Wasn’t going to suggest they start seeing each other. He didn’t want to watch Lindy go through what he’d put Janice through. Especially not after what she’d endured with Luke. She needed someone who could be open and honest and give her that new life she deserved. That person wasn’t him.
And Daisy should have someone who wouldn’t constantly compare her to a ghost or wonder what his own daughter might have looked like. He’d known all along this was a bad idea, and Lindy had shown him just how bad it could get.
“It’s Marina. I used an age progression program to see what she’d look like as she grew up.” He took the sheaf from her and set it on top of another stack of papers. When Lindy was gone, he was going to shred them and be rid of them once and for all.
Thank God she’d found that picture before he started something he now knew he couldn’t finish. So he needed to finish it in another way.
“Listen, Lindy, about last night...” He didn’t want to hurt her, although he wasn’t sure that what he was going to say would do more than sting. Maybe he’d been wrong, and she really didn’t care about him as a person at all. Maybe she was just experimenting with something she’d never been able to experience as a married woman.
He swallowed hard. Just a few minutes ago, as he’d lain in bed, he’d actually contemplated attaching a permanence to their relationship that had been so premature it was laughable. Except no one had ever felt less like laughing than Zeke.
“What about it?” She was watching him, a wariness in her eyes that hadn’t been there a minute or two ago. Then her face cleared even as all the color drained out of it. “I see.”
For several seconds no one said anything. As he was formulating the words that would make the smallest burn circle possible, she beat him to it. “Were you afraid I was going to expect something out of you because of what we did here? If so, don’t. You’ve already seen that I’m a neurotic mess. And that won’t change.” She pulled her hair over one shoulder. “I have no intention of ge
tting involved with anyone ever again. I have a daughter to protect.”
The use of that last word felt designed to cut and maim, which it did. Especially since part of his reason for breaking things off was Daisy herself.
What if someday he resented the fact that Daisy was alive, and she figured out why? He couldn’t do that to her. Couldn’t do that to Lindy. And he definitely couldn’t do it to himself.
Only he didn’t need to say any of it, because Lindy was telling him she had no interest in pursuing something more. Well, that was perfect. It was win-win for both of them.
“I know you do. And I was going to suggest basically the same thing. Whether it’s our timing or...” He cleared his throat. “Whatever it is, it’s obvious neither of us wants a steady relationship right now. This was great. I enjoyed it. But I think we were right the first time around. It’s better if we keep our relationship strictly professional.”
Lindy’s expression had gone very still, and he wondered for a second if he’d only heard what he’d wanted to hear. No. She’d said specifically that she had no intention of getting involved with anyone. Because of Daisy.
Well, that made two of them. He couldn’t get involved with her. Because of her daughter. And because of him. She thought she was a neurotic mess. Well, his neuroses beat hers hands down.
He was suddenly wishing he’d finished getting dressed. He felt naked and exposed even with the important parts covered.
“Right. Now that we’ve both cleared the air and found that we’re in agreement, I’m going to go. I need to pick up Daisy from Mom’s house, and I have some errands to run.”
Errands that didn’t involve him. The sting of pain that caused made him grit his teeth for a second or two.
“I thought she was staying with your mom for the night.”
“I’ve changed my mind.”
Because of him. A wall of hurt rose up, towering over him. “I’ll get dressed and take you.”
“No!” She stopped and then lowered her voice. “I really don’t want them to see you pull up. It’ll just give Daisy an opportunity to talk to you, and I think we both know that’s not a good idea. I don’t want her getting attached, only to have... Only to have to tell her that she can’t see you anymore.”
“I understand.” His heart felt as hard as a rock. She wasn’t going to let him see Daisy again. Well, why would she? It was true, Daisy had launched herself at him almost every time she’d seen him. It was better this way. For both of them. “I can at least take you to the hospital to get your car.”
“Thank you, but I’d actually rather take a taxi. I’ve called them already, in fact. They should be here any minute. So I’m going to go down to meet them.”
She glanced at the paper lying on top of the stack. “Your daughter would have been very beautiful, Zeke. I’m so sorry she’s no longer with you.”
And with that, she went out his front door and quietly shut it behind her.
As he stood there, staring at the space she’d once occupied, he wondered if he’d somehow just made the biggest mistake of his life. And somewhere inside the answer came: yes, he had. Only he’d realized it far too late.
* * *
Lindy got through the rest of the week in a daze. Every time she looked at the board over the nurses’ desk and saw her name on cases other than Zeke’s, she realized he’d shut her out. Not only out of his personal life—it also looked like he’d shut her out of his surgical life. She missed working with him. Missed talking to him. Missed making love with him.
But those were no longer viable options. So she needed to do one of two things. Suck it up and make the best of things or quit a job she’d come to love and try to find another position at one of the other hospitals in the city. It wouldn’t be hard. Nurses with her qualifications were in high demand, from what she’d heard. She’d had four offers before settling on Mid Savannah Medical Center. She’d chosen the best of the best.
In more ways than one.
And it looked like she wasn’t going to get to keep any of them.
What about the women’s crisis center?
She’d personally asked Zeke to be involved in it. Volunteering there would be torture, although she doubted he’d put in another appearance if she were in the room.
The strange thing was, Zeke had come into that living room naked, but he’d been a much softer man than the one who’d re-emerged in briefs and affirmed every reason she’d given for them not being together. Neither of them had talked about love. She’d had to assume that Zeke felt nothing for her. That had stabbed her through the heart, and she’d been unable to catch her breath for several terrifying seconds. It was like being strangled all over again. Only this time it had been caused by her own stupidity.
She could have sworn, though...
When she’d told him she couldn’t think with him standing there, he’d given her this smile. This sexy, oh, really? kind of grin that had given her a boost of confidence. That confidence had been short-lived. Because the next thing she’d known, his face had gone stony and cold, and she had no idea why.
It had been right after she’d picked up that picture of his daughter.
Was he mad that she’d touched it? No, it hadn’t seemed that way. Shocked was more like it. Well, she’d been shocked too, because the face in the top picture on the stack had looked like Zeke. So why...? Then she realized it had to do with Daisy. She was about the same age as Marina when she’d died. But what if Zeke had realized the same thing. From the look on his face it had been a while since he’d seen those pictures. Maybe he’d thought he’d lost them. They’d been mixed in with all those scattered papers.
So? How did standing here agonizing over the whys change any of it? It didn’t. So it was better just to make a decision and then stand by it. The way she had as she’d stood in his living room. She was not going to go back and beg him to be in a relationship with her. The old Lindy might have done exactly that. But the woman who looked back at her in the mirror every morning was no longer a pushover who would lie down and let people wipe their feet on her. She’d made it through a terrible ordeal. This was a walk in the park compared to that.
She had a feeling she was comparing apples to oranges, but it didn’t matter. What was done was done and there was no going back. For either of them. The sooner she realized that the better. With that, she opened her computer and jumped from website to website, searching for the perfect position. One that was as far from Mid Savannah Medical Center as she could get.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
HE COULDN’T BELIEVE she would leave the hospital over what had happened between them. But who could blame her, honestly? He’d done nothing to convince her to stay. He hadn’t even put her on his surgical schedule. If that wasn’t him telling her she wasn’t wanted, he didn’t know what was. He hadn’t meant it that way.
No, Zeke. You never do.
But where the hell was she? The thought of her going back to California made him feel physically ill.
Why? It should make everything a whole lot easier for him, but it didn’t. He was more miserable than he’d ever been, actually.
He jiggled his pencil between his fingers and tried to reason through things. Tried to take them apart and examine them one piece at a time. When he came to the one in the middle he stopped. Stared at it with eyes that finally had the blinders stripped away. He loved her.
It was that simple. And that complicated.
That was why he’d taken her off his rotation. Why he instinctively knew that things could never go back to the way they used to be. It was far too late for that. It was either all or it was nothing. And for days now he’d teetered between two worlds. The present. And the past. He could only live in one or the other.
Which did he choose?
The possibility of living with a deep well of pain with a margin of happiness? Or living with a deep well
of pain and no happiness?
Did he want wrinkles? Or crinkles?
Did it even matter? She was gone. He’d driven her away with his stupidity.
There was only one thing to do. He walked out of the hospital, got into his car and headed home. Once there, he took the thin batch of papers and stared at them one by one, inspecting each change with a surgeon’s eyes.
They weren’t his daughter. They would never be his daughter. In holding on to something that wasn’t real, he’d probably destroyed the best thing that had happened to him since Marina’s death. Lindy. And Daisy. He loved that little girl. He didn’t know how or why, but he did. And, by God, he loved her mother too.
Marina would be horrified at how long he’d held on to those fake pictures. The ones he needed to cherish were the ones that were real and depicted her as she had been. A sweet, kind soul who hadn’t deserved what had happened.
And neither had Lindy. She hadn’t deserved what he’d dished out. Or what he hadn’t dished out, actually. His silence about the real issue had spoken volumes. And he’d been wrong.
What could he do about it now?
For one thing, he would get rid of these images. Even as he thought it, he turned on the shredder and slowly fed the manufactured photos through it.
Then he could learn to talk. Even when he was in pain. So what if he didn’t want to. It was what adults did, and if he couldn’t figure out how it worked, then he’d better damn well find a therapist who could help him get there.