The formaldehyde is nauseating, but my lungs burn and my head spins from the lack of oxygen. I let out the carbon dioxide and suck in some air. The pungent odor of the fixative overwhelms my nostrils, churning my stomach.
Not again.
I shove my chair back and race out the door with my hand covering my mouth. I make it to the bushes lining the walkway before losing the crackers I ate between classes. I lean against a pole supporting the overhang and a large hand flattens between my shoulder blades, startling me.
“You okay, Parker?” His voice is full of tenderness and concern as he hands me a bottle of water. “You haven’t looked well all week and you’re more pale than you were in English.”
“Thanks.” I swish some water around my mouth and spit it out into the bushes. I gaze across the grass to the cars passing on Santa Fe Drive. If I tell him how sick I’ve been, he’ll hover. “My mother is taking me to the doctor this afternoon.”
“But are you okay?”
I bite my lips together and shake my head.
“Do you want to see the nurse?”
“She’ll only make me sit in the office until Mother picks me up. And she won’t pick me up until it’s time for the appointment.”
I tell Mr. Langston about the odor being too much for me and he allows us to work on a table that he and Jason bring outside.
“Do you want to eat lunch outside, or in the cafeteria?” Jason asks as we clean up at the end of class.
“Outside. I don’t think I’m ready for cafeteria smell.” Or to hurl again.
The left side of his mouth curls up. “You’re right. It’s almost as bad as the formaldehyde.”
“Worse,” I joke, letting out a small laugh.
Arissa darts out the door when the bell sounds and starts in with a million questions. It takes both me and Jason telling her I’m fine before she relaxes. Jason helps Mr. Langston carry the table back inside as Bobby arrives for Arissa. He’s all moppy sun-bleached blond, pale blue eyes, and tan skin from hours of surfing. They take off hand in hand, leaving me alone with Jason.
His hand slips into mine and I don’t pull away. Partly because I’m weak from vomiting, and because I don’t want to push him away anymore. I want to be allowed something good, even if my parents object. The longer you starve a person, the more they want food. Crave it. Need it. They starved me of real human connections my entire life and now that I have a taste, I want more of what I missed.
He leads me to the end of the building, into the grass under the shade of the trees with no one else in sight. We sit next to each other, taking our lunches out of our backpacks. I have no interest in eating and pass him my lunch.
“You need to eat something, Parker,” he insists, passing it back.
“Seriously, J. I’m not hungry.” I drop the brown bag in front of us as he removes his sandwich and unwraps it. “I’m afraid I’ll throw up again if I eat.”
His mouth opens to say something, then changes his mind and bites into his sandwich instead. I rest my head on his shoulder with a deep desire to close my eyes and sleep. He stills at the contact for a moment, then drapes an arm over me, pressing me into him.
Relaxing in the privacy of the outskirts of campus I understand what tranquil feels like. No worries. No thoughts of my family. Just me and Jason in this moment we steal for ourselves.
Mother turns onto Santa Fe Drive in the opposite direction from Dr. Bannister’s office.
“I thought we were going to Dr. B’s,” I state.
“I’m taking you to Dr. Black,” she answers, as if I should know who Dr. Black is.
Upon checking in, Mother fills out the paperwork and I take in the gawking from the women around me.
What is their problem? I don’t know who they are and they don’t know me.
“Mother, what are we doing here?” I whisper.
“Hush. I can’t think,” she hisses, hunkered over the clipboard.
I remove Raisin In The Sun from my backpack and read until a nurse calls me back. Mother follows us back and paces behind the nurse as she takes my vitals and then sends me to the bathroom with a cup to pee in.
I set the half-filled plastic specimen cup inside the little door next to the toilet. Mother has an odd look I can’t place when I leave the bathroom. It’s the same expression from this morning.
The nurse shows me into an exam room, giving me a paper “gown” and a paper sheet. The gown is an open crop top. The thin paper makes the chill in the room more obvious. The short exam table and the awkward paper getup prevents me from sitting or lying in any kind of graceful or modest manner no matter how I twist and turn. There’s just no way.
An older man with short, gray hair enters with another nurse and my mother. Shallow lines crease his face in a pleasant way that makes his smile look more genuine. “Hello, Sara. I’m Dr. Black. I understand you’ve been sick.”
I nod my affirmation, still not sure why I’m here and not Dr. B’s.
“When was your last cycle?”
“I haven’t had my first period yet,” I answer, bewildered.
“According to the pregnancy test, you’re pregnant,” he says with a gentleness that takes some edge off the shock.
My eyes dart to Mother and that look is there again. Fear coupled with worry. She knew when I told her this morning and said nothing.
My father impregnated me with his carelessness. Just when I think he can’t do any worse, he does.
I can’t have this baby.
Three sets of wide eyes stare at me.
“Are you sure, Sara?” Dr. Black asks.
“Am I sure of what?”
“Sure that you don’t want the baby.”
“I said that out loud?”
“You did,” he confirms. Mother and the nurse nod their agreement.
There’s no way I can have a baby, let alone one that my own father fathered. That would be cruel, condemning it to a life like mine. And there’s no way to explain it to anyone.
“I don’t want it,” I say.
Relief floods Mother’s face and she pulls out her phone while leaving the room. Probably calling the culprit.
“Lie back for me, Sara. Hips at the edge down here.” He gestures to the end. “I need to do an exam before we can schedule a D and C. We’re going to take some blood at the end for tests as well.”
I position myself asked, completely exposed to strangers, feet in the stirrups. He takes a firm hold of my knees and spreads them further. I gasp at the sudden image of my father over me poised to enter. Silent tears fall from the outer corners of my eyes.
“I’m sorry, but this next part is going to be cold,” he warns.
He wasn’t kidding. The metal implement is cold with uncomfortable edges, violating the part of me my father takes pleasure in defiling. I bite my lips together to keep from crying out.
“You and your boyfriend might want to reconsider the rough sex,” he announces.
I nod in acknowledgment, not giving any hint to the truth. No telling what lies Mother told when she called and before they joined me in the room.
He removes the instrument and appears at my side. “I’m going to give your mom a prescription for birth control should you both decide it’s best for you.”
“You don’t tell anyone,” Mother says in the safety of the car. “Only your father knows.”
Why would I tell anyone this sick secret?
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Monday morning, I lie still while blocking out the poking and prodding between my legs, focusing instead on Jason’s concern last Friday. Hugging me close and asking what the doctor said, an edge of panic in his voice and his eyes. Smiling and hugging me again when I said it was just an intestinal virus and that I have a follow up early Monday. I let him press me against his chest and wished for a life in which being with him is a possibility.
Mother drops me off at school in time for lunch when all is said and done. I find Jason in the cafeteria with some teammates, but Ar
issa is nowhere in sight.
“I thought you’d be home today,” he says, meeting me halfway and drawing me into him.
“My mother didn’t want me missing school if I didn’t have to. Where’s Riss?”
“Off with Bobby somewhere.” He studies my face with intensity. “Are you sure you should be here?”
“I’d rather be here right now.”
His lips draw into a bright smile. “Let’s blow this joint and find some sunshine.” He grabs his backpack, telling the guys he’ll see them later. He leads me across campus to where we sat alone last week, but away from the trees to catch the warming rays of the sun. We lie side by side gazing at the clear blue sky.
“Have you eaten?” he asks.
Soon, the sky will give way to May Gray and June Gloom. Appropriate for how I feel, but I concentrate on the light blue above me and Jason beside me.
“I’m not hungry,” I answer.
His fingers weave into mine. “I’m worried about you. You look like you haven’t eaten in weeks.”
“I’m fine, J. At least I will be.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Junior year
My parents finally agree to let Jason take me on a date after Andrew and Rose talk to them. He got his license over the summer and drives me to the football game in a used, dark gray Hyundai Elantra.
We sit in the back corner of Joe’s after the game, constantly interrupted by other students coming to talk to Jason. His popularity increased after becoming the starting point guard for the basketball team at the end of last season. He makes sure to introduce me to the people I don’t know, but they all eventually ignore me in favor of Jason. It’s like being at home with Victoria, only I don’t care about Jason getting the attention.
Arissa arrives with her current boyfriend, Damian Riven. He’s a running back for the football team, with broad shoulders and muscles everywhere. His short, light brown hair is brushed back from his face and his light blue eyes are like ice. Jason moves next to me to make room for them at the table.
“Great game, man,” Jason tells Damian as they clasp their hands around their thumbs.
“Thanks, man.”
Arissa leans over and whispers, “So how’s the date?”
“We keep getting interrupted,” I whisper back.
“Hey. No whispering at the table, you two,” Jason teases.
“Have you ordered anything yet?” Damian asks.
“No, I got side-tracked,” Jason answers, sheepish.
Damian glances at me and grins.
“Don’t look at me.” I gesture around the restaurant. “Blame them.”
Damian laughs. “How about I order some food and drinks? Pepperoni okay?”
“And a pitcher of whatever,” Jason answers.
“So, Waters,” Arissa says, ”are you making sure my best friend is having a good time?”
“I’m trying to.” He flashes her a toothy grin.
“You better be. It took you guys long enough to get here.”
“You know who to blame that one on,” I say dryly.
Arissa snickers. “So did good ol’ Simon and Tibby put you through the wringer?” she asks Jason.
Wringer is mild. They asked dozens of pointless questions, then demanded to examine his car and that he give them his cell phone and home number. They eyed him up and down, weighing him and finding him wanting no doubt.
“Something like that.” He chuckles and then looks at me. “I’m sorry, Parker. But they give me the creeps.”
“They give everyone the creeps,” I state. “That’s why I go to Arissa’s instead of her coming to my house. They’re Ozzie and Harriet around other people, but psychotic Al and Peg on crack the rest of the time.”
Damian returns with the pitcher and glasses. “So what did I miss?” he asks, pouring the drinks and passing them around.
“Just talk about Simon and Tibby,” Arissa says matter-of-factly.
Damian wrenches his face in response. “I’m sorry,” he says, catching himself. “I haven’t even met them.”
“You don’t want to,” Jason, Arissa, and I respond in unison.
“Enough of my parents. Let’s talk about something else.”
“I’m throwing a party after the game next week and I want you two to come,” Damian announces.
“Cool. We’ll be there,” Jason says, sliding his arm over my shoulders. I neither shy away, nor lean into his display of affection.
“Could you give me a ride to the game next week if you’re taking Sara?” Arissa asks Jason.
“Sure.” He turns to me and adds, “If it’s okay with you that we have a third wheel.”
I laugh and Arissa throws the paper wrapper from her straw at Jason. “Thanks a lot. At least I know where I stand in your world,” she states.
“I don’t mind having a third wheel. I like tricycles,” I chime in.
Arissa extends her middle finger to me. I return the gesture with a grin causing her to double over in laughter.
“You can either be at Parker’s at six-thirty or we’ll come over after I pick her up,” Jason tells her.
“I’ll brave her house for a bit. It’s only fair, I guess,”
Joe brings our pizza when it is ready. He wears his long, blond hair in a ponytail at the nape of his neck.
“Hey, Joe!” we greet him together.
“So what’s new with you guys?” he asks, placing the pizza in the middle of the table.
“It’s Jason and Sara’s first date,” Arissa announces, passing the plates around.
“I think this calls for something special. I’ll be back with a surprise.” He heads back to the kitchen and returns with dessert as the last of the pizza disappears off our plates.
“It’s not a real date unless you share a banana split,” he says, setting it between us. “I didn’t forget you guys either,” he tells Arissa and Damian, placing another banana split in front of them.
Damian and Arissa inhale their dessert, then say their goodbyes.
I’m finally alone with Jason.
“I wish we could’ve done this sooner,” he says, a wistful glint in his eye.
“Me too.” I smile.
“Parker?” He takes my hand into his.
“Yeah?”
“What really goes on at home?”
I choke down the lump forming in my throat, swallowing hard.
“Whatever it is, it won’t change my feelings for you.”
My eyes water. Jason squeezes my hand, stroking my cheek and wiping my tears with his free hand.
He says that, but it will change everything if he knew. The beatings. The rape. The pregnancy. The abortion. He would run for Arizona and never look back.
“I adore you, Parker.” He brushes his lips across mine. “You don’t have to tell me until you’re ready. I promised you before I wouldn’t keep asking you. But, I know something is going on and it’s hurting you. I can see it in your eyes.”
He pulls me into his embrace. Into the warm tenderness I need.
“I’m always going to be here for you,” he assures me.
He walks me to the door after the short drive home.
“Thank you,” I pause with my hand in his at the door, “for everything.”
“Anything for you, Parker.” He presses his soft lips against my cheek.
I smile shyly at him while closing the door and then walk on air all the way to my room.
Father sits on my bed, glass of amber liquid attached to his hand as usual. I smell the caramel notes of the bourbon from across the room. He’s been drinking all night.
I don’t like this. He probably started after we left for the football game.
“Close the door,” he orders.
I pull my shoulders back. “No.”
“Close the door,” he says with more force.
“No. I won’t let you do it anymore.” I just stepped off a precipice into the abyss. The freefall sets off every nerve ending in my body and I want to
scream.
“Close the door,” he says, gritting his teeth.
“I’ll fight you and scream so loud Mother and Victoria wake up.”
“You slut,” he says, staggering to his feet.
I freeze, wondering what is coming next. My defiance will come at a steep price; one he will make me pay now or later. He takes two long strides and stops an inch from my face. My head spins from the alcohol fumes.
“You slept with him,” he accuses in a venomous tone.
“No, I didn’t. He respects me. Unlike you,” I refute with a boldness born from the desire for tranquility.
He slaps my face. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.”
My brazenness suppresses the sting of his slap. “I’m not a little girl you can scare anymore. Hit me all you want. But if you try to rape me again, I’m calling the police.” My hands ball into fists and I know this is it. There is no turning back after making that threat. I have to follow through.
“You don’t have the balls.”
I root myself where I stand and set my jaw. “Try me.”
“Fucking whore!” he barks, slamming me up against the wall with his free hand and then leaves my room.
My muscles loosen as I let out a hard breath.
Now I wait for him to collect.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“So?” Arissa asks after I cut off the lawn mower.
“So, what?” I ask in return.
“Unh!” she grunts. “C’mon, don’t play coy. What happened after we left last night?
I can’t contain the wide grin spreading across my face. “He told me he adores me.”
She screams like a teenage girl at a One Direction concert. “Details! I want details!”
“Okay,” I chuckle. “Let me finish mowing the yard so my parents don’t act like the world is ending.”
“Okay!” She runs to the porch steps and sits.
When I finish, I sit with her and give details about the rest of the date up until the kiss on the cheek. The confrontation with my father will remain my secret.
“I wish Damian was more chivalrous,” she says dreamily.
Family Ties Page 8