He rinsed off the eggs and put them in their small holders to be carried to the breakfast table.
“Need any help?” Helene asked.
“No, I think we’re fine. Just waiting for Dan to bring the croissants, and we’re ready to eat. Is Mike coming down, or have you killed him and disposed of his body?” He chuckled and carried the four eggs from the kitchen.
“Do you guys think we can have a quick chat before the lawyer shows up?” she asked.
“Fuck, the lawyer!” Sascha almost dropped the eggs. “I completely forgot to call him.” He put the eggs on the table, grabbed his cell phone, and quickly dialed the number, walking away toward the front porch, through the open door.
Helene couldn’t hear the conversation, but she trusted Sascha.
When he came back, he smiled. “We decided last night that it would be better if he came here rather than us going to see him. That way we can keep an eye on the boys. I want Dan to join the conversation. He’s part of this family,” Sascha said with a strong emphasis on the last part of the sentence.
“Fine,” Helene replied. “Great idea. So when is he coming over?”
* * * * *
Breakfast
“The lawyer will be here by ten, so plenty of time to eat,” Sascha told her. “Is Mike awake yet?”
“Yeah, he’s in the shower. He’ll be down in a minute.” Helene seemed a little preoccupied. “Did you guys talk at all? Are you going to be okay?”
Helene was clearly not in the mood to discuss it yet.
“Yeah,” she said, rather coldly. “Sorry, yeah, I think we’ll be fine. I just need some time to talk to that klutz, I’m sure you understand. I came in so late, and there wasn’t time…” She left the sentence unfinished, as if hoping Sascha would fill in the blanks.
“Gotcha. Did you get any sleep?”
He remembered the time when he and Dan were about to break up after the Mitch incident. That had taken them months to figure out. For Sascha, it wasn’t getting over Mitch that had been the rough part. It was betraying Dan. Dan also felt wounded at the dishonesty and the abuse of trust.
When they first had decided to keep their relationship open, they had laid out two ground rules: absolute honesty, no secrets, and second, no falling in love with one-night stands. Sascha agreed to the latter not so much because he felt confident he could stick to it, but because he felt that Dan would be the one taking advantage of their policy, given his libido and needs. It turned out differently, and Sascha easily fell in love. Mitch had been no exception.
But that was then, and he and Dan had worked hard on their relationship, rebuilding the trust, being honest with each other at all times.
Oddly, Sascha thought, Mike was being honest with Helene. Had he not said anything, nothing might’ve ever happened.
Dan returned from his run to the bakery, and the kitchen and living room filled with the smell of freshly baked croissants. The twins got up from watching TV. They all sat down at the table. Sascha poured coffee for the adults. Mike joined them shortly thereafter, and the Meyer family enjoyed breakfast in near silence, or as silent as a breakfast table ever got with two five-year-olds and SpongeBob and his friends on the TV in the background.
Sascha missed Mike and Helene’s three children. Had they been here too, it would’ve been perfect, he thought. He glanced over to Helene, who was munching on a croissant, her left hand resting comfortably on Mike’s thigh. I think they’re going to be just fine, Sascha thought, and met Dan’s eyes.
“Listen, guys,” Mike said, “there is something Helene and I would like to talk to you about, before the lawyer comes over.”
Dan glanced up and gave Sascha a look asking do you know about this?
No, I don’t, Sascha shrugged back at his husband.
“We were talking a bit this morning,” Mike continued, oblivious to the surprise in Dan’s face and the panic slowly spreading through Sascha. “And while we still have a long way and a lot of work before we’re back where we were, it’s where we want to be. However…” Mike’s voice trailed, as if he were unsure of how to continue. “You know how we talked about selling the company, right, which is why the lawyer is coming over.” This was clearly not easy for Mike, Sascha could tell.
“Just tell us,” he urged Mike.
“Helene and I have been thinking, that maybe we don’t have to sell.” Mike’s voice was clearly strained and he said those last words with probably more emphasis than he had intended.
Sascha was puzzled. Where’s he going with this? Mike had been complaining about the company for years, ever since their father had died, but with all the stock being in their mother’s name, there was nothing either of them could do, short of the one thing they weren’t willing to. Sascha had always assumed that selling the company was Mike’s idea and what he wanted. This was clearly news.
“Helene and I think that we should start fresh,” Mike said. “Get away from Darmstadt, my company, Lotti and Paul, you know.” He let those words hang in the air, clearly uncomfortable talking about emotional stuff before his brother and Dan.
“But,” Sascha said, “I always thought you hated the family business. You told me countless times how you hated those trips to Zurich every month.” Sascha was testing Mike. It wasn’t so much that he would actually mind Mike taking over the company, quite the contrary, but it was the suddenness and the abrupt change of mind that had Sascha confused.
“I know, it seems sudden,” Helene added, “but our lives haven’t been easy, and, to a degree, the incident was my fault. Call it a cry for help. My father, I’ve had to realize over the past couple of months, has been coming down on Mike unfairly and has treated him badly. I also found out that he had bought a large amount of stock in Mike’s company, then pressured the board and CEO to get rid of him. With all the pressure from his day job, is it such a surprise that Mike wasn’t in the mood for his trips here?”
Sascha could see her point.
“Have you given any thought to how you want to finance this?” Dan asked
“Yes, of course.” Mike seemed grateful for a question he was comfortable answering. “We don’t have the financial means to buy you guys out, but we were hoping that we could find an agreement based on the basis that you guys hold on to the stock and that the company pays out a regular dividend.”
“But…” Sascha was confused. “How can you pay a dividend when the company is barely making money?”
“Says who?” Mike replied. “I’ll explain when the lawyer’s here with the books, but what we’ve done over the past years is to hold back a lot of capital within the company to avoid Mom having to pay taxes on proceeds. But believe me, bro, Dad’s company is making more money than it has ever made before.”
Dan and Sascha looked at each other, dumbfounded, clearly taken by surprise by this news. Sascha felt a tsunami of mixed emotions wash over him, as he tried to digest the news his brother had presented him, hearing the words, but unable to believe them.
“I have a trust fund set up in my name,” Helene told them. “I only found out about it a couple of weeks ago from my mom. We, that is, Mike and I, would like to buy the house, move here with the kids, and live here permanently. A fresh start, away from Darmstadt.”
Sascha looked at his sister-in-law, her pleading face, afraid that her dream to rescue her family could fail by the hands of the one man sitting right across from her. But Sascha had never been one to crush other people’s dreams. Instead, he got up, fresh tears in his eyes, and walked over to her and Mike, and hugged them.
“You guys, of course you can have the house. Of course you can run the company if you want to. All I want is a promise that there will always room for us here when we come to visit you.”
For the first time in weeks, they were not crying tears of sorrow, but tears of joy.
“Oh my god, I’m so relieved,” Helene said. “You have no idea how afraid I’ve been these past hours, ever since I left Darmstadt. I love you, Sascha. Thank
you for giving us this chance at fixing things.”
Mike sat mostly quiet, but his eyes were beaming with confidence. “What does your father say?” Dan asked Helene.
“He doesn’t know. And I won’t tell him until it’s all signed and ready.” Helene laughed. “He was furious when I left last night, but I have a hunch he’ll come around eventually. He does love his grandkids, and he will want to see them.” She didn’t have to say what she was thinking, and Sascha got the picture. Yes, kids are a powerful tool, he knew all too well.
* * * * *
Singapore
The night when Sascha came home after his latest date with Mitch, Dan was still up, sitting in their living room, reading.
“Hey,” Dan said, as he heard Sascha come through the door. “Did you have a good night?”
“Yeah, but I’m tired, and I’m not feeling well. I think we need to talk.”
Dan tensed, sensing that bad news was about to be delivered.
Sascha sat down on the couch next to Dan, his gaze lowered, his body language subdued. For a while they just sat there, Dan with the closed book in his lap, looking at Sascha, waiting for a response, a clue, anything. At the same time, he was scared that this might be the end of their relationship, that somehow, Sascha had fallen for Mitch, that the sex had become more than just a getaway from everyday life, more than just a physical need. Dan was almost sure he’d lost him.
After what seemed like an eternity to Dan, Sascha finally spoke. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Can you forgive me?”
“Sorry for what? What happened?” Dan was alarmed. Had Sascha gotten some STD? HIV! Dan could feel the blood drain from his face, the fear. Cold beads of sweat formed on his forehead and down his back. “Talk to me,” he pleaded.
“I just feel like such an idiot,” Sascha continued, slowly, “for going out with this moron while you’re at home with the boys. I mean, all I ever wanted was to be with you. I love you. I love the boys, more than life itself. What would I ever do if you left me?” Sascha was now crying, his face buried in his hands.
“Hon, what are you talking about?” Dan asked. Not really knowing what to add, he put a hand on Sascha’s shoulder, a gesture of understanding and love.
Sascha shuddered from the touch. “Can you forgive me?”
He wasn’t making any sense, and Dan found himself suddenly in a state of full alarm. “Baby, you’re scaring me, talk to me. Did Mitch do something to you? Did he hurt you?” Dan scooted closer and pulled Sascha closer to him.
“Nothing happened, really. It’s just that I realized that all the while I was with him or at the sauna, all I really wanted to do was be with you and the boys. I’m sorry I abandoned you, sorry I left you alone.”
My little drama queen, Dan thought, always exaggerating. He started to piece things together. Mitch had either tired of the relationship, or Sascha had. After all, he was a Gemini, and they did tire easily, needing the attention and the excitement. It was such a typical trait of his husband, and he shouldn’t really have been surprised. Dan felt a smile crack his lips. Oh, my baby, you had me worried all in vain.
“There’s one more thing,” Sascha said, and Dan froze in their embrace. What now?
* * * * *
Catharsis
“Do you remember when I told you about my exchange year in Australia?” Sascha began. At Dan’s nod, he slowly continued, “I haven’t really told you what happened down there.”
“Okay.” Dan thought back to the stories that Sascha had told him about his beloved Australia, the adventures, the amazing outback, the camping trips, his work at the gay bar. They had even visited Australia on vacation a couple of times, staying with Sascha’s host family in Adelaide. What have I missed? Dan wondered.
Trying to find the right words, Sascha told Dan about Adelaide, about the stalls, the blow jobs, the anonymous sex, the rape.
Dan sat quietly, listening to his lover tell him about the excruciating experience, the pain that Sascha had blocked for so many years, but that, for some reason, had resurfaced tonight.
“Did Mitch…?” Dan asked, trying to piece things together, trying to find the connection between Mitch and Adelaide.
Sascha shook his head. “No, nothing like that. He’s just a douche.” At that, Sascha had to laugh, through his tears, despite the story he’d just told.
“But then…” Dan tried again.
Sascha looked up into his eyes and took Dan’s face into both of his hands. “Ever since I was seventeen, I’ve not been able to make proper love to anybody. I’ve always been so afraid of the pain. The images came back to me as soon as someone talked about it, even you. I’m tired, Dan, of being afraid. I’m tired of not being fully yours, of missing out on you, and I’m afraid of losing you.” New tears formed in his eyes. “And I realized that part of our decision to open up our relationship was so that I would never have to face this. But it’s just not worth losing you over. I’m not sure I could live without you or the boys.”
Dan was shocked and at a loss for words. They sat there on the couch for a long time, not looking at each other, both thinking.
“I…” Dan began, “I don’t know what to say. I mean, I’m glad you could finally tell me, and I can understand how difficult it must have been for you to do so after all these years. And I’m sad you didn’t trust me with this before. I’m not sure what to say really. I need time to process this.”
Dan got up and walked out onto the balcony of their condo. He needed some fresh air and some time to think.
Inside the apartment, Sascha sat on the couch, not moving a muscle, head down, looking down at the floor.
He was still there when Dan returned after a couple of minutes. “I need to get out for a while. I think I’ll go for a run. Don’t do anything stupid okay?” Because you sometimes do stupid things. “I’ll be back in a while. I just need some space to sort this all out.”
Sascha heard the door, and then he was alone. I’m going to lose him. Oh my god, I’m going to lose Dan.
He got up and walked out into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then he checked in on the boys and kissed both their heads. What had he done? What if Dan returned and said he didn’t love him anymore?
Without really thinking, he looked for Helene’s number on his phone and called her, telling her what had transpired. His distress must have been very clear to her, because she cut his call short, telling Sascha that everything would work out, not to worry. “Just stay put and wait. I’m sure Dan will be back in no time, and then you’ll work things out, okay?”
When Dan got back to the house, Sascha was standing on the balcony, a glass of water in his hand, looking out over their little corner of the Singapore night.
“I think I’ll need time to digest this,” he said, “but never for a minute forget that I love you.” Dan held him around the waist, as they both looked out into the night.
“I love you, too!” Sascha replied. “And I get it, I think we’ll both need time to get through this.”
You have no idea, Dan thought, not just distressed at the news Sascha had shared, but at the memories resurfacing within him.
Eventually, they had been able to talk to each other, and they even went to couples counseling for a while with a colleague of Sascha’s. They both tried to deal with the repercussions of Sascha’s revelation, and they needed to figure out how they could take their relationship forward from there.
Then came the news of Sascha’s mother’s death.
* * * * *
The Lawyer
I still haven’t told him everything. The doorbell wakened Dan from his thoughts.
“You okay?” Sascha looked worried.
“I’m fine. Just got caught up in a thought.”
Mike had gotten up to answer the door and came back with Mr. Schlegel, the family attorney.
“Good morning” he said, and shook hands with everyone. “My sincere condolences, Mrs. Meyer,” he said to Helene, who hadn’t been present at the qui
ck meeting the boys had held a couple of days before the funeral.
“Can I get you a cup of coffee?” Dan asked, and the older gentleman nodded. He had been the family and company lawyer for a long time and must’ve been way past his retirement age, but some people just don’t know when to quit, do they? Dan thought. Not that working to old age was a bad thing, Dan just hoped that he and Sascha would be healthy enough and have time to travel and spend more time together when they retired.
The adults moved into the living room, and Sascha sent the boys back to their room to play. “We grown-ups need to talk for a little bit, okay?”
“So, I understand that you are ready to sell the company?” Mr. Schlegel began after everyone had sat down.
“Actually,” Mike interrupted, “we have a different plan.”
He smiled at everyone around the table and went on to explain the plans they had discussed at breakfast to the lawyer, who listened attentively.
When Mike finished, Mr. Schlegel sat quietly for a moment, then said, “Well, I think your father would’ve been really proud today, and so would your mother. The company is yours, of course, and you can do whatever you see fit, but I’m glad you’re not selling. If you need my help with anything, I’d be happy to be of assistance.”
“There is the house, of course,” Sascha said. “We need to make sure we don’t forget about it, since you guys want to move in.”
“Yes, of course, the house,” Mr. Schlegel said. “It now also belongs to the two sons in equal parts. Have you any idea how you would like to proceed with it?”
“I have some money in a trust fund,” Helene told him. “If Sascha and Dan agree, we could value the house and then buy out Sascha.” She turned to Dan and Sascha. “And naturally, you are always welcome to stay here, no matter what.”
Family Ties Page 13