I sniffled. I should have been more open with Kalif all along. He was only trying to help me. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the whole truth about my mom. I feel like an idiot, because I obviously should have, but I guess—"
Kalif opened his mouth to interrupt me, but the waitress chose that moment to walk in and ask if we wanted anything to drink and if we’d decided what we wanted to order.
Maybe there were drawbacks to an empty restaurant. “I haven’t even looked,” I said. “Sorry.”
The waitress shrugged one shoulder. “It’s no problem. Take your time.” She ducked back through the narrow doorway, leaving us alone again.
Silence hung thick in the air. I wondered how much longer the restaurant was even open. Were we bothering the staff as well as each other?
Kalif squeezed my hand. “How long . . .” He cleared his throat and tried again. Maybe I wasn’t the only one overdoing the dry voice. “How long had your mom been like that?”
I looked at the table, at the napkins, at the freaking crystal goblets—everywhere but at him. “The whole time,” I said.
He let out a long breath, like if he just kept breathing out he wouldn’t have to react.
The tears pushed at my eyes, making my closed ducts ache. “I wasn’t trying to lie to you,” I said. “I just didn’t want to tell you everything.”
Kalif hesitated. His voice broke a little as he spoke. “Why not?”
My heart sank. Oh. That was the part that bothered him—not that I hadn’t told him the whole truth, but that I hadn’t gone to him for support, even though I technically could have. Maybe I’d been justified because of the security risk, what with his whole family after us. But I was a better shifter than that. If I’d wanted to, I could have found a way. “I thought I was handling it,” I said. But Mom’s hospitalization was glaring evidence that I hadn’t been doing it very well. “I guess if I told you about it, then I had to believe it was all real. And I definitely didn’t want it to be real.”
Kalif’s fingers squeezed mine. “Did you suspect she was going to do that?”
“The pills?” In retrospect it seemed so obvious. “I should have. But no. I didn’t see it coming.”
Kalif closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry. I told you I wouldn’t abandon you, and then that’s exactly what I did.”
I shook my head so hard that my jowls wobbled. “That’s not how it was.”
“But you had to deal with your mom by yourself. I should have been there.”
I shook my head. “That would never have worked.”
Kalif flinched. “Because she blames me for your father’s death.”
I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb. “No.”
He shrugged. “It’s okay. I blame me, too.”
I reached up and covered my ears. “Stop.”
He gave me a look. “Come on. You blame yourself, admit it. You’re every bit as illogical as me.”
I lowered my hands and shook my head at him. “No, wait,” I said. “You’re right. It is all your fault. Why didn’t I see it before?”
Kalif cracked a smile. “Fine,” he said. “You win.”
We were quiet for a moment.
“It may not be your fault, or my fault,” Kalif said. “But it is my father’s. You can’t deny that.”
I couldn’t. Even Aida wasn’t to blame as much as Mel. He was the one who framed my parents for murder.
I looked Kalif straight in the eye. And though the ones he wore tonight were a lighter brown than his normal, I could still see my Kalif looking back at me. “So when we find him, are we going to help your mom protect him? Or turn him in to be executed?”
Kalif let out another long, slow breath. “If we hand him over to my mother, she’ll just get all tangled up with him again. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, why she just won’t walk away.”
“She was raised by monsters,” I said. “She’s more screwed up than my mother.”
Kalif raised an eyebrow at me.
Crap. “She’s more stable, though,” I added. “I have to give her that.”
Kalif smiled grimly. “You’re right, though. Her parents are terrifying.” He leaned across the table, speaking softly. “They’re in hardware development, right? And they’re geniuses.”
I squeezed his hand. “Must run in the family.”
He shook his head. “No, really. They do all this contract design work for all the big companies in the valley. A lot of the big companies in the world, actually. And in every piece of design, they slip in a little something extra.”
I sat back in my seat. “Like a back door.” Kalif looked pleased that I was following him, but that, I hated to admit, didn’t actually take a genius. “They can hack everybody’s tech, because they’ve designed it.”
Kalif nodded. “So what takes me days to break into takes them hours. What takes me hours takes them minutes.”
My limbs went cold. “And they’re in everything.”
He nodded. “Just about.”
Hell. “What about your stuff? Your computer? Your phone? Couldn’t they be watching you then?”
Kalif shook his head. “I did some research—built a computer that has components Systems Development never touched. Everything else I cycle out weekly. I use different devices at home than I do in the field, and I never take my clean computer back to the apartment. I’m careful. They’re not tracking me.”
I nodded. “But they’re trying, and if you don’t keep doing that, they’ll succeed.” Kalif nodded, and I sighed. “You should have led with this. After that bomb, the news that you’re a chauvinist would have been like a cherry on top.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Ha. Ha. But seriously, turning my dad over to them isn’t justice. Nothing they do is just. They’re only trying to control everyone. Including us.”
I thought about those emails, about how tempting it was to try to play them, to try to at least pretend to go along to protect my family. I shivered. “They’re failing at that now. Let’s keep it that way.”
“Deal,” Kalif said.
I took a deep breath. “But if we don’t turn your dad in to them, and we don’t give him over to your mother . . .”
Kalif nodded. “Then maybe he finds you again. He already did it once.”
I saw motion at the corner of my eye. The waitress was back, hanging in the door, waiting for some sign that we’d come here with the intention of eating actual food.
Which we needed to do, because we were going in circles.
I put my arms on the table and rested my chin on them. “You order,” I said. “It’ll fit with your new big shot persona.”
Kalif looked up at me uncertainly, but his face softened when he saw I was smiling at him. He smiled back. “Have you ever had lobster?”
“No,” I said. “My dad always said it was too much work.”
He bit his lip. “Want to try it?”
I didn’t even want to know what a lobster cost in a place like this. But Kalif had done all that work, so if he wanted to spend his money on lobster, I wasn’t going to stop him. “Okay,” I said. When the waitress left, I added, “Since you’re apparently dripping in money that’s all, you know, legitimately earned.”
Kalif rolled his eyes. “It’s not like we’ll be able to do this all the time. I’m not making that much.”
“Yet,” I said.
He broke out in a full smile, and I was pretty sure that in my whole life, I had never seen anything so welcome or so beautiful.
“I missed you,” I said.
His eyes fixed on me. “You, too. So much.”
We sat there under the dim lights, holding our wrinkled hands across the table and smiling at each other.
“Happy birthday,” I told him.
And his eyes widened for a second, like he’d forgotten. But then he smiled. And with everything else that had gone wrong today, at least I got that one thing right.
Tomorrow still ate at me, though. I hated to brin
g us back to reality, but we weren’t exactly finished with work. And though it seemed like we’d hit a dead end, there was one more desperate thought I had to share with him.
“I want to con your grandparents,” I said. “And your mom. And your dad. I want to play them all against each other the way they played my parents. The way they played me.”
Kalif’s eyes widened, and he let out a low whistle. “That’s ambitious.”
I nodded. “And it targets your family, which I feel terrible about.”
Kalif held up his hands. “Hey, you didn’t ask them to kidnap your parents. You didn’t ask them to frame your parents for murder. And you sure as hell didn’t ask them to stalk you.”
I nodded. “But they’re still your family, and—"
“Stop,” Kalif said. “They’re trying to hurt you. And I know whose side I’m on, okay? So let’s not even talk about that.”
I stared at him, but he didn’t even look a little bit hesitant.
“Okay,” I said.
Kalif raised an eyebrow at me. “I don’t suppose you have a plan to go with that ambition of yours?”
I wobbled a wrinkled hand at him. “The first step is to find out where your dad is staying. Corner him, the way he tried to corner us. And then, once we have him, we can start maneuvering everyone else into place.” I cringed. “And hope for a stroke of brilliance?”
Kalif nodded. “That’ll be complicated. Even if we figure out how to do it, it could backfire, big time.”
I nodded. “And I won’t insist that you help me if you think it’s too big of a risk.”
Kalif studied me. “You’re doing that thing again.”
I blinked at him. “What thing?”
“That thing where you’re going to do the stupid thing anyway, even if I don’t help you. And I can only choose whether or not to watch your back and try to keep you alive while you do it.”
I held perfectly still. “Does that bother you?”
“Hell yes,” he said. “But I knew that you pulled crap like this before I fell in love with you. So lucky for you, I’m an understanding guy.”
I breathed out. “Does that mean you’ll help me?”
“Jory,” he said. “If I have to choose between being beside you while you do the stupid thing, and being far away, I’m always going to be with you. Always.”
He squeezed my hand from across the table, and despite the events of the day, at that moment, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
The waitress interrupted the moment by sliding through the door, carrying a tray with two lobsters and an array of sauces. Kalif just shook his head as she applied plastic bibs to us and then slipped away again.
I poked at the lobster with one of the utensils that came with it—a nutcracker in the shape of a lobster claw. The lobster stared up at me, accusingly.
“This was a terrible idea,” I said.
He looked down at his own lobster. “See,” he said. “That’s what you’re here for.”
I laughed, and tugged at one of the lobster’s claws. There was no doubt some proper way to eat this, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
“After this,” I said, "you owe me that hamburger.”
We both laughed, and I felt my shoulders relax deeper than they had in months. Kalif and I were a team. Whatever was coming, we were going to figure it out.
Even the lobster.
Eleven
When we left the restaurant, we ambled the long blocks to the nearest hotel. I was half afraid that some opportunist would decide to mug us—the old, well-dressed couple who looked like they could barely hobble along, let alone fight back.
That idiot would have been in for a surprise.
But soon the hotel came into view, with no muggers in sight. I couldn’t help but think of the last time Kalif and I shared a hotel room. We’d had some . . . disagreements about sleeping arrangements. “So,” I said, “Are you going to insist on sleeping on the floor again?”
Kalif looked at me out of the corner of his eye.
I squeezed his bony arm. “It’s a valid question.”
He was still looking at me, almost suspiciously, like he was trying to decide if his hang-ups about taking advantage of me still applied.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“What?”
“Evaluate my mental state. I’m fine.”
He shook his head. “Since when are you a mind reader?”
“It’s not my fault you’re so obvious. But really. I’m okay.”
My stomach squeezed, counting how long it had been since we checked up on my mom. I took a deep breath to steady myself. I would be okay.
Kalif shot me another sideways look. “Jory,” he said. “I love you. But you’re a mess.”
I had to fight back the urge to insist that I wasn’t. I shouldn’t want to lie to Kalif. He was only trying to protect me. I sighed. “Yeah, okay. But in case you haven’t noticed, my life is full of things that upset me. I’m going to be eighty before you decide I’m stable.”
His eyes slid down my geriatric body. “Hey, eighty is sexy on you.”
I elbowed him with my bony old-lady arm, letting my flabby bicep jiggle below the bone.
Kalif gave another of his old-man shrugs. “Maybe I have a thing for octogenarians. You don’t know.”
I cracked a smile. “I’ll keep this body, then. Just don’t break my hip.”
Kalif faltered. His tone fell serious. “About sleeping on the floor, though. Much as I hate to admit it, it might be a good idea.”
I elbowed him again. “You’re going to sleep on the hard floor at your age? You really will break your hip.”
“Jory,” he said.
“It’s never a good time,” I said. The words came out more harshly than I had intended. We truly sounded like a grouchy old married couple sniping at each other. “Sorry, but it’s true.”
Kalif was quiet for a moment. “Let’s just get checked in, and then we can talk.”
I sighed. We could talk about how I was always a mess. About how worried he was about taking advantage of my state, as if I were helpless, incapable of making my own decisions. “What I meant was, if you’re going to stress out about it, you might as well get us two rooms.” Even in one room with two beds, we’d still end up having this conversation again. And much as I wanted to fall asleep in his arms, the last thing the two of us needed was more stress.
Kalif was silent. As we shuffled forward, his face gave away nothing.
“Don’t tell me that now you’re suddenly worried about money. The lobster wasn’t that expensive.”
“No,” he said. “It’s fine.”
Even in his gravelly old-man voice, it was clear that it was not fine. I’d really meant to be kind to him; he’d always had issues with taking advantage of me when I was upset. But now he wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
I bumped my bony shoulder against his. “I’m making an effort to respect you, here. I can’t win, can I?”
Kalif sighed and smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Two rooms is a good idea. It’s just been a long day.”
“Tell me about it.”
His hand reached up to cover his face. He swore. “I didn’t mean it like that. Obviously it’s been worse for you.” He groaned. “I really am a selfish bastard.”
I pulled his hand away from his face, taking it in my own. I wanted more than anything to kiss him, but I had a bad track record of throwing myself at him every time things got bad. I didn’t want to do that to him now, not when I’d just said I was trying to respect him.
Kalif pulled me to a stop, though, kissing me firmly on the mouth, locking me in an embrace that in these bodies had to be either adorable or disturbing to watch. My body responded to his, my arms shifting naturally to fit around his too-thin waist. My head began to clear, every movement coming into sharp focus.
My heart throbbed with terror. I needed him.
What was I going to do if all this stress ripped u
s apart?
In the late morning when I knocked my bony knuckles on Kalif’s very-separate, not-even-adjoining room door, I was met with a long silence, and I worried for a moment that he’d run a job without me. But then he opened the door, standing to the side in his home body, all groomed and ready for the day. I checked his hand.
“Hey,” he said. “You just woke up?”
My rumpled clothes proved that. Sometime today I needed to acquire some decent pajamas.
“Yeah,” I said. “Why did you let me sleep so long?”
Kalif shrugged. “You needed it.”
I rolled my eyes, even though he wasn’t wrong.
He pushed the door open wider to let me in. “I didn’t waste the time,” he said. “I picked up my secure laptop. And I checked up on your mom. Take a look.” I had to push the rumpled covers aside to sit down on the edge of his bed, where he’d set the laptop. After I picked up the computer, I dropped my old woman persona for my home body.
He’d left the screen open to a window showing my mom’s medical records. About an hour ago a doctor had noted that Anne Smith was awake and talking to them, but was being somewhat resistant.
I still breathed a sigh of relief. She might be resistant, but she was still there, and that meant that she hadn’t immediately fled upon waking, and also that Aida must be doing her job protecting her.
“I need to get in to see her,” I told Kalif.
He sat down next to me. “The security there is tight. Maybe wait for visiting hours?”
I looked up at him, and he pushed my hair back over one ear. “I know,” he said. “You want to see her.”
That wasn’t it at all. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to face what she’d done, or talk about it, or figure out where we stood now.
But that sounded awful, even in my own head. Who didn’t want to see their own mother in the damn hospital?
“I’m going to have to,” I said. “But you’re right. There’s not a lot I can do for her before then besides keep my bargain with your mother.” Or the first part, anyway.
Kalif reached for the laptop. “I also dug into that lead my mom gave us. I didn’t find anything more at that hospital, but I ran a search through all the hospitals I was watching, and I found another patient with a wound just like it.”
A Million Shadows Page 10