Embracing Life

by Nicky Jayne

  Smiling, I rise and give him a nod. My time will come. Until then, I will take in every inch of her from afar.

  MELANIE, hmm… what can I say about Melanie? Damn. She is just strange. So shy, so withdrawn, and so strange.

  From the first moment she walked into the classroom, I could see she was going to be a hard nut to crack, but slowly, over the last couple of weeks, she has started to emerge from that shell of hers. With each crack, a smile appears, just as a ray of sunlight breaks through the clouds after a storm.

  Mike and I kept her close for the first couple of weeks. The vultures here would have eaten her alive with the way she walked around, head down, fear flowing from her eyes. They smell weakness. Watching her though, as she laughs and Jokes with Mike, warms my heart. The warmth of a smile crosses my face as I think of how much she has changed in the last few weeks.

  Scanning the crowd, my eyes fall on one who has his eyes locked on to her. Josh. I love that boy like a brother. Yeah, sure, we have our differences, but he is a good guy. He watches her like a lion stalking his prey. His eyes never leave her. His expression changes as she laughs, and I see a smile adorn his face. Josh has not been one to smile much recently. Things are getting harder for him at home. I don’t know the full story, but I bet Mike does.

  “Earth to Katie,” I hear Melanie say.

  Shifting my eyes from Josh, I turn and smile at her.

  “Sorry Mel.”

  “Whatcha looking at?” she squeaks, grabbing my hand and scanning the distance.

  “Nothing, sweetie. Just thinking,” I reply with a smile.

  “Hmm Ok,” Mike scoffs.

  “What?” I snap.

  “Should I be worried about some competition? You have been staring at Josh for the last five minutes,” he jokes.

  Mike is the one person in my life that I can be completely myself around. We have known each other for years, and we have been inseparable since elementary school. He truly is my soul mate. He loves Melanie as much as I do; however, he seems to have this father-daughter kind of thing going on with her. He adores her, but just as I can, he sees she is weak and tormented. He sticks close, watching her and protecting her.

  “Josh?” Melanie inquires.

  “Yeah, Josh… you know, that good looking boy over there. The one who can’t keep his eyes off you,” Mike says.

  “Oh. Umm, right. Ok” she mumbles.

  I watch as my friend visibly tightens her body. What was that all about?

  “Don’t worry, Mel. He’s a good guy. Honest.”

  Locking her hand in mine, I look up at Mike. His face is tight. He is not happy with my statement.

  “What?” I mouth to him. He just shakes his head and looks in Josh’s direction. I follow his gaze. Josh is no longer looking at Melanie. In fact, Josh is nowhere to be seen as the mass of bodies surrounds him.

  Typical.

  WEEKS have passed since Melanie arrived. With each day that passes, I see her change. She is smiling, laughing, and even going along with Mike’s corny behavior. As another day of classes comes to an end, I head to the gym to get ready for my lacrosse game tonight. I haven’t spent as much time as I would have liked practicing this week, so I want to get an hour or so of warm-ups in before the game.

  Rounding the corner to the gym, I freeze. She is there, leaning against the wall and talking to Katie. Her back is towards me. I watch as she twirls a strand of hair around her finger, something I have noticed she does when she is nervous. What is she nervous about? Katie notices me and smiles. “Play it cool Josh,” I recite to myself. “Walk. Play it cool,” I silently repeat, over and over again.

  Turning up the volume on my iPod, I keep my head down whilst walking. I try to find a song to get me in the zone for practice. Trying to block out the thoughts running through my head, I narrow my focus to the upcoming game. But, as always, my plans crash and burn. The struggle in my head continues. I am trying not let her affect me. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. Fiddling with my iPod and reciting my plan in my head, I fail to notice how close I am to the gym door.

  THUMP!

  “Shit!” I curse out loud. I was so fucking distracted, and I have the egg on my skull to prove it. What an Idiot. So much for playing it cool. Damn it!

  I grab my head with my hand and yank the ear buds from my ears. Pulling them so hard did nothing to dull the pain that is now radiating through my head. Giggles fill the air as I turn to see Katie and Melanie with their hands covering their mouths, trying to stifle their laughter. Their eyes give them away.

  Katie is the first to approach me. Straightening herself as she nears, she says, “Josh, there you are,” obviously faking her surprise. Her voice is shadowed with humor, and it is fucking annoying.

  I cross my arms in annoyance. I am not mad at them. I am furious at myself.

  “What do you want Katie?” Could I sound like more of a jerk? Hell yes. I just smashed my head, embarrassed myself in front of Melanie and Katie, and now I have to deal with her snide comments.

  “Whatever, Josh. Stop being an ass,” she replies, rolling her eyes at me. My curt reply didn’t help matters. “Melanie and I wanted to let you know that we were going to come by and watch the game tonight.”

  “Cool,” I mumble, risking a glance at Melanie. She is looking right at me, but once our eyes lock, she lowers her head. ”Look Katie, I have got to get in some practice time, ok? I will see you tonight.” I look between her and Melanie, and I catch Melanie shyly peering at me. Damn it. I hope Katie is not forcing her to come tonight.

  “OK, Josh. Don’t knock yourself out though, ok? We need our star player tonight,” Katie chirps as she walks backwards towards Melanie, who is still head down and paying no attention to what is going on around her. All I can do is look and smile. Katie notices and smiles right back, giving me a wink.

  WHY does he look at me like that? What am I to him? If he knew the real me, he wouldn’t even give me a glance, much less look at me like that.

  I don’t want to be here, but I am stuck in this small piece of hell. My past is behind me, but it still keeps me on my toes. Watching him watch me creeps me out. Chills shiver down my spine as I think of what he must be thinking whilst looking at me.

  Starting a new life in a new state and a new school is not as easy as it sounds. There are so many obstacles that I never thought I would have to overcome. Making new friends, however, has been a little easier than I thought. Katie and her boyfriend Mike have made the transition much smoother. Katie is everything I wish I could be. She is outgoing and everyone’s friend. But damn, don’t ever get on the wrong side of that girl.

  I instantly think the worst of people. It’s a habit that I find hard to break, so yeah, I wondered why Katie and Mike were so persistent about being around me. For the first week or so, it was as annoying as hell. I thought maybe I could kill them with kindness and stone silence, but that didn’t work. In fact, it crashed and burned. I can still smell the smoke from the flaming wreckage of my behavior.

  Succumbing to her avid personality and as Katie would say her “addictive personality,” I embraced all that she had to offer. I watch her and Mike, sometimes allowing my thoughts to run away with them. I deserve that! I want to believe I do, but deep down, I don’t know how I would handle those feelings. How could anyone love someone as damaged and tarnished as me? I find it hard enough to like myself and look in the mirror every morning. For now, I will sit on the sidelines and watch the closet things I have to family fall deeper and deeper in love.

  Their love for me became apparent about three weeks ago when a call from my mother, which is rare to say the least, knocked me for six. Her demands, her words of hatred, tore me apart once more. Had it been three months back, I would not have had anyone to turn to. I would have absorbed it all and taken her evil words to heart. Now, I have friends, people who care about me. People who want to know me.

  Calling Katie was not as hard as I thought it would be. She listened, she answered,
we hugged, and she cried. She called Mike, and well, he did the same. I was an open book. I told them everything. We sat for hours. I don’t think I have ever spoken so much in my life. I watched them both with scrutiny, but neither showed any reaction other than shock. I expected and waited for pity or disbelief, but it never came.

  “I will protect you, Mel. You are safe with me,” Mike whispered into my hair as we hugged and I allowed months of tears to fall.

  Within a matter of hours, these two people, who had literally thrown themselves into my life, became everything. They are only people who know the real me.

  MELANIE’S world has been consumed by Katie. Although I am grateful that Melanie has found someone to show her the ropes, I can’t help but feel a little jealous. I have tried and tried to engage her in conversation, but nothing seems to spike her interest. She smiles. She nods. She agrees. Quite frankly, it’s becoming annoying. It’s the same repetitive motions, day in and day out. Maybe I am coming on too strong, but I want to know this girl. I have stayed away the last couple of weeks with the crazy thought that distance may ease her a little. Maybe if I back off and don’t seem so insistent? Well, yeah, that worked wonders. NOT!

  I am not one to chase after a girl. I have had my fair share of lady friends. The usual’s are still hanging around, making a chase unappealing. Melanie though? DAMN. It’s like every inch of me craves her. I can’t go a day without seeing her. I tried. I really did. I have tried to stay away, but my mood plummets every time. I have been told more than once to go get laid and not come back until I have. All I can see is her. All I want to feel is her.

  But, today, things are going to be different. Today is the day I am going to end this, or start it. She has invaded my brain long enough. Thank all that is holy that, the day I decide to make a move, Katie is MIA. I could not have organized it better if I had tried. Approaching my locker, I spy her loading her bag for a morning of classes. I abandon the task at hand and walk straight for her, with my head up and a smile on my face. I am doing this. She still doesn’t noticed me as I get closer, and I don’t want to spook her. She seems pretty engrossed in whatever she is doing.

  “Mel.”

  I watch as her body goes tight, exactly the reaction I was trying to avoid.

  “Hey Mel,” I say calmly. She needs to know I am not here to hurt her. Damn. If someone has, I am going to kill them. I can find no other reason for her to be this way with me. I gently touch her shoulder, a simple sign to let her know I am here.

  Right then, I feel it. The electricity. The magnetism that has been drawing me to her for so long. I am dying to know whether she feels it too. One step at a time, Josh. One step at a time.

  She turns to face me, her eyes fixated on the floor. Placing two fingers under her chin, I slowly lift her face. I want to see those brilliant emeralds. I want to see that sparkle of life in her eyes, the balls of flaming green that have haunted my every thought for the last six months. Man, I love her eyes.

  As our eyes meet, the world falls away. It has gone silent, and I sink into the sea of green before me. The only sound I can hear is that of my heart, drumming away and my pulse beating in rapid succession. Moving my eyes down her face, I finally take in the beauty of her plump, pink lips. They appear as though they were made for slow, pleasurable kisses. Time was taken making these beauties, and time will be taken kissing them. If she will have me, I plan on doing just that. Minutes pass as we watch each other, and our silent daze is abruptly shattered when one of my teammates playfully smacks my back.

  She is looking through me. Her cheeks flush like roses in the spring, and her hair glistens in the sunlight floating through the windows. I am totally captivated by her. Wrenching myself from our little trance. I clear my throat, smiling at her.

  “Umm… Hi, Mel.” My voice is a little shaky.

  “Hi, Josh,” she timidly replies.

  “Wanna walk to class with me?” I have to start somewhere, I guess.

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

  The walk to class is short. We don’t say anything. There are glances between us, and I catch her looking at me a couple times. Each time our eyes meet, she immediately turns away.

  I am convinced that by the time we reach class, she’ll feel whatever I did back at the lockers. I am feeling so positive that nothing can knock me down. I have broken the ice that stands between Melanie and me, and it feels great.

  Another hour drags. I have looked over a couple of times to check on my girl. She looks so lost, stuck in the corner of classroom without Katie. Katie forced Mike to move so she could sit with Melanie in all their classes. I, knowing Katie would not be in today, should have sat with her. Damn, Josh, you are such a fool. For the last thirty minutes, I have gone over and over how I will approach her after class. I don’t want to sound too desperate, but I shocked her earlier. The reaction we shared was just a little intense, so I am going to have to come up with something different.

  I lean against the door frame, waiting for her to make her way out of the room. Every few seconds, I adjust my stance, hoping to find the perfect one. I don’t want to look to cocky or too sure of myself. Instead, I need to come off relaxed, friendly, and approachable.

  “Hi Mel,” I say quietly. She looks right at me, but her eyes look different. She seems nervous, as if she is eagerly wanting to flee.

  Her breathing is heightened. Her chest is moving rapidly. Her skin has turned as white as a sheet. I feel uneasy. Something is going on, and I don’t know what it is. This is not the same girl I walked to class an hour ago. It’s frightening, and her unrest encapsulates me. Damn it! It’s pissing me off. I may be young, but it’s written all over her face. She is damaged. She has been hurt.

  When she does speak, her voice is soft yet withdrawn. I am trying to reel in my anger.

  “Hi Josh,” she says shyly. I can see her moving away from me, but I don’t react. I watch her retreat, but I am unable to move. My fists are bound to my sides. I can feel sweat on my forehead. Snapping out of it, I run to catch up with her before I lose her in the madness of the hallway. I grab her arm just before she edges into the chaos. She freezes at my touch and becomes so tense that I can feel her bones freeze. Removing my hand from her arm, I watch as her body relaxes, but she remains frozen in place.

  “Sorry, Mel. I umm…” Damn it, Josh! What the hell where you thinking?! “Mel, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” I move to face her. Her head is down, concentrating on the floor below her feet. Her breathing is fast and hesitantly labored. “Mel,” I say softly. When she looks at me, I see pain and unshed tears forming in her eyes. What did I do? “Did I hurt you? I’m sorry if I did. I really am.”

  “I’m fine, Josh.” Her response is flat and to the point. There is no emotion in her voice. If I hadn’t of seen it in her eyes, I would swear my touch has no effect on her.

  “We haven’t really had the chance to talk since you got here. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

  “Good. Thanks for asking. I have to go though. Can we do this another time?” Before I can answer, she is moving away from me. I am shocked by her reaction. I thought that we had made some progress, even if only a minute baby step forward. I want to follow her and beg for time. I want to run to her and hold her close to my body. I want to take the pain I saw in her eyes away, but I don’t. I just stand where she left me, watching as she fades into the distance. When I do find the resolve to move, my efforts are futile. She’s gone.

  As the day went on, I looked for her. She wasn’t in any of our classes. With each passing hour and every empty seat, I became increasingly worried. I even went as far as getting a pass to head to the nurse’s office, complaining of a headache. With my excuse to be out and about, I went in search of her. I canvased the library several times, but she wasn’t there. Something is up with this girl, and I have made it my mission to find out.

  By the end of the day, my concern has turned into anger. I am angry at myself mainly. Why didn’t I move sooner? W
hy didn’t I look harder? Walking to my truck at the end of the day, I decide to call Katie. I know it’s a long shot, but she may have called. Pulling my phone from my back pocket, I dial Katie’s number. It rings and rings. I prepare to leave a message on the voicemail that will surely click on the next ring. Instead, s breathless Katie answers.

  “Josh...What’s up?” she sounds irritated.

  “Hey Katie. Sorry to bother you, but have you heard from Mel?” I am no longer disguising the concern in my head, and it flows through my words.

  “Mel? Um… no. why? Oh crap, Josh. What did you do?” Her voice quickly turns to one of concern.

  Annoyed that she would think I would have done anything, I reply as short as I can, “Me, Katie? I didn’t do anything.”

  “Then, why do you want to know where she is?”

  “I spoke with her after class today. She seemed spooked. I tried to talk to her, but she took off. I haven’t seen her at all since,” I say, my voice laced with concern. I can hear Katie take a deep breath. Although I know she won’t tell me, I can guarantee Katie knows something.

  “Look, don’t take it personally. She is shy. She doesn’t like to be touched. She barely knows you.”

  I am getting unnecessarily frustrated by this conversation. I know the facts. If it wasn’t for Katie and her selfish ways keeping me from her, I would know her by now.

  “Ok, well, yeah. Thanks Katie for stating the fucking obvious.”

  “Hey, don’t get snippy with me. What made you think it was ok to corner her outside of Algebra anyway?” I begin to say something, but Katie’s last comment stops me. She fucking lied to me. She has spoken with her. Damn you Katie.

  “Katie?”

  “Damn it! Yes, Josh, I have spoken to her. You scared her. End of story.” I can hear her sigh at the end of that statement.

  “Katie!” I am pleading with her now. I need to know what’s going on. Something is going on with Melanie, and I will be damned if I am the last to know. Katie isn’t here. Who the hell is going to watch out for her if something happens? I am getting more and more worked up with the silence that has fallen over the conversation.