by Nicky Jayne
“Yeah, whatever. I guess bye Mel.”
As I watch him walk away, I turn, breathing deep. His irritated tone bugs me, but the look in his eyes intrigues me. I watch as he walks through the fires escape. He doesn’t look back.
“Josh!” I yell.
He stops but doesn’t turn. By the twitch of his foot, he wants nothing more than to turn and look at me.
“Mike isn’t here.” With that, I walk away.
My name echoes through the courtyard, but I pay no attention. Head high, eyes forward, I have to get to class.
Damn it!
Speed walking to class, I cannot help but think back on that strange exchange between Josh and me. We have never been close. I honestly would not even call us friends, but I second guess my reaction to him. It dawns on me that we haven’t spoken since the incident in science. What does he think of me? It all makes sense. He would always stop by to say hi. He would always smile at me. I have to ask Mike what all Josh knows.
Running as fast as my little legs will carry me, I finally make it into the English building and my classroom. Knowing I am at least five minutes late makes my stomach drop to my knees. Walking into a classroom filled with disparaging students is not going to be the highlight of my day. God help me. My grade is going to suck. I have to do it though. I can’t miss this class. I have to be brave and walk in like it doesn’t affect me. Mentally pumping myself up, I walk in, bracing myself for a scolding. What I find is not what I expect at all. Everyone is up, out of their seats, dossing around, throwing papers, and laughing. No Ms. Wright anywhere. Strange!
I breathe a sigh of relief as, apparently, I am not the only one who is late to class. Gradually, I make my way to my seat, waving, winking, and trying to skirt around strung out teenagers. I thought I was a goner for a second there. My leg was grabbed by a fiend, Jacob, who is way too grabby for everyone’s liking, especially mine. Giving him a swift kick, he released with cat cry and a puppy pout, the biggest contradiction to mankind. Once in my seat, waiting somewhat patiently for Ms. Wright, my mind cannot help but dwell on my run in with Josh. Was I too hard on him? I never gave him the chance to explain. He has the pick of any girl in the school, so why would he want anything to do with me anyway. I rub my arms, recalling his touch, how my body reacted to it, the strength of his arms as they held me close, and the warmth of his breath flowing over my head as he held me tight.
Without realizing it, Josh has invaded my brain. I am consumed by the few minutes that I was in his arms. I am consumed by him. I am taken aback by my reaction to him.
I lose track of time. When I finally do pull my head out of the clouds, I notice that we are already an hour into class and still no Ms. Wright. Something isn’t right. She is not the type of person to forget or miss a class without an adequate replacement. I rise from my seat with the intention of walking to the office to find out what is going on. As I begin down the aisle, the door bursts open, and a very flushed Ms. Wright enters the room. She glances at the mass of bodies lingering in places they need not be and raises an eyebrow. She glances at me and smiles. Well, I never knew Ms. Wright has a mysterious side, but it’s written all over her face. I turn and proceed back to my chair before her mood shifts, and I sure as hell don’t want to be the one in the firing line.
She clears her throat, and in full Wright fashion, she commands the room with her deep, one too many cigarettes, voice. The students scamper to their seats without argument. Sitting, I watch her gather her composure once again, and my drifts to the altercation with Josh. I have to focus. With Ms. Wright’s late arrival, there is only 30 minutes left in class, so I should be able to hold myself back for a little while longer. I open my textbook, ready to start some pop quiz she decided we needed to do today. Honestly, I thought pop quizzes were for first years and below, but I was so wrong.
I don’t have a lesson for second period, so I decide now it would be great time to finally empty and clean out my locker. I take the walk back to the main hall, making sure that I don’t bump into any grumpy graduates. Entering the hallway, I notice that I am the only one in this area. Thank the Lord for that. Some quiet time is what I need.
As I approach my locker, I remember the piece of paper lodged in the vent. Now, if only I could remember my code. I knew I should have tattooed the dang thing my wrist. It would have been so much easier. After struggling with the numbers for about 2 minutes, Bingo! I get the right combo, and as I click the lock up and open the door, the piece of paper falls like a butterfly with broken wings. I breathe deeply, reach down, and retrieve it from the floor.
At first glance, I notice it is not what I previously thought. The edges are uneven as if it was torn straight out of a notebook. I feel the bumps of the lettering as I work the note between my fingers. I have never received anything like this, and I’m sure how I should feel about it. I am eager to see who it is from, but not so much to see what is written.
I hold the note for a few minutes, turning it over and over in my hands. Staring at my name written so neatly just above the crease, I begin to unfold the scrap of paper, and a chill runs through me. I hesitate once more before opening the letter. Goose pimples rain over my body. Taking a cleansing breath, I begin to open the paper to reveal a handwritten note addressed to me.
What the hell?
Is this from the same person who could not stand the sight of me this morning? This is confusing. I am trying to rationalize this in my head, but it is not working. How presumptuous of him that I don’t have plans this afternoon. How the hell does he know I don’t have classes? Frozen to the spot, I reread the scrap of paper over and over again, but the more I read it, the angrier I become. Why am I angry? I don’t understand it.
MIKE is one of only three people who knows what happened all those years ago. I came out and told him about a year after meeting him and Katie. I had a meltdown when my mother showed up asking me to come back home, and as usual, she had one of her misfit boyfriends with her. They witnessed it all. They witnessed my body, mind, and soul shut down at the sight of her. I know Josh was there, but thankfully, he never dug for information. He saw all he needed to. Up until today, I thought he had a completely different opinion of me. Up until today, I kept myself hidden from him. I pushed him, and he faltered. I have deliberately kept my distance from him. This small piece of scrap paper, so thin between my fingers, has changed all that. I am so confused.
Mike would have had a piece of Josh by now if he knew about this. Josh is being sneaky, and he knows it. I am even more positive that Mike would have told me. If I ever needed protecting, Mike would be my man, and he has come through for me many times. He has taken everything and held it tight. I smile because of him and Katie. I exist because of them. The warmth that they bring to my life keeps the blood pumping through me.
The hallway must have jumped about ten degrees in temperature. I can feel my body begin to overheat. I am working myself up, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why he wants to talk to me. So many thoughts run through my head. I repeat the same questions over and over, and I realize, now, that he may know about me. It makes sense. He was there. He must have heard something. Did Mike slip up? I honestly don’t know. I walked around like a zombie for months after my mother showed up.
The temperature rises. My hands become sweaty, and my heart is racing a thousand beats a minute. I can feel my body slip. Finally, my legs give way, and I slump down with my back against the line of lockers. Once again, I read the letter, hoping and praying I am dreaming. I ball the letter in my hand as tears begin to fall. Just then as if they have a sixth sense, Katie and Mike come strolling down the hallway. I look up and right at them, with tears in my eyes. I watch their faces turn from smiles to sheer terror. They have no idea what has happened. Katie comes barreling down the hallway, never taking her eyes off me. Mike raises his voice and lets the empty hallway know he is there. He threatens the silence, yelling for anyone who has hurt me to run. Katie drops to her knees and holds me tight as I so
b into her shoulder and try to get out the words I so desperately want to say but can’t. I reach to grab Mike. I need his comfort right now. I need the two most important people in my life near me. I need my cocoon. As I move my hand from my chest, the crumpled paper that has torn my life apart falls from my hand and lands on the floor at Mike’s feet.
I watch as if in slow motion. Mike reaches down, picking up the note. He looks at me with questioning eyes as he unravels the ball of paper. I can read the expressions on his face. They evolve from concern to that of a raging bull within seconds, and before I can say a word, he tosses the paper to the floor and runs out of the hallway like it’s on fire. Katie looks as shocked as I do. I know what he is going to do. Time slows, and I feel as if hours have passed, but only mere minutes have ticked by. I raise my head from Katie’s shoulder and try to calm my breathing. I am snapped back into the here and now as Katie jumps up from her spot, knocking me to my side. She grabs my face, forcing me to look into her eyes.
“Oh shit, Mel! He is going to kill him. Mel get up now. We have to find Mike.”
I had no idea she read the letter. While I was trying to compose myself, Katie unfolded the crumbled piece of paper and read the words that turned my life upside down. She’s right though. Best friend or not, Mike would Kill Josh for propositioning me, especially after being warned off so many years ago. With a little help from Katie, I get up and begin sprinting down the hallway. We have no idea which way Mike went, but there are only a couple of places that Josh could be at this time of day. The first and most likely place to find him, according to Katie, is the gym.
Mike had at least a five minute head start, so we run as fast as we can. I know Mike is over protective, but Josh is his friend, and to be honest, none of us know why Josh wanted to meet in the first place. Why would Mike assume that he wanted to do anything other than have friendly conversation with me? What is so bad about that? I owe him that, don’t I?
As we cross the courtyard, we instantly know Mike reached the same conclusion. We can hear the yelling from outside the gym doors, and I can hear the fight calls echoing within the building. I stand frozen, unable to move as my insides twist. I feel physically sick, and not knowing what is going on through those doors in front of me is scaring the shit out of me. I have no idea what Mike is truly capable of, and I have no idea what he could have done to Josh at this point. I am terrified, and Katie can sense it. Pulling me closer, she tells me it will be ok. Mike would not lay a hand on Josh unless he had laid one on me. I scoff at her words by the noise emanating from the building only feet away from me, and I am finding it very hard to believe punches have not been thrown.
“Mel, come on. We have to get in there.”
“I can’t Katie. You said yourself that Mike would kill him. I don’t know how to calm him down. My being in there will just fuel Mike’s fire. And then, there’s Josh. He had no idea any of this was coming.”
“Mel, I know what I said, but I am sure Mike would not hurt him. Come on. If Mike sees you’re ok, he will back off. As far as Josh goes, he knows better than to come anywhere near you, let alone write you a letter. There are things you don’t know, Mel. Trust me on that. Now, come on. We have to get inside.”
Things I don’t know? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is it meant to make me feel better about this situation? Mike and Katie have it under control? Well, that is not going to happen. They are keeping things from me, and I’m completely in the dark. I stare right at her, and sensing my anger, she slinks back into a retreating posture. I have been lied to, and I am pissed. They are all in on it, whatever it may be. With that knowledge locked in the back of my head, I storm through the gym doors, hell bent on finding out what is going on. I forget that Katie is behind me until I feel her hand on my arm, trying to slow me down. I pull myself from her and give her the most evil glare I can muster. Determined, I go in search of Mike. Approaching the doors, I hear Mike yelling, and his fury is accompanied by a voice that I am not all that familiar with. I push the doors open with all the strength I have. Nobody notices me walking in; they are too preoccupied with the fight scene. Pushing myself through the bodies who are here for one thing and one thing only, the sight of blood, I slow myself down and try to work out what I am doing. I have never been in the middle of two men before. I have never been the subject of a testosterone war, and I have no intention of being part of one now, but I have to put an end to this.
“Mel, wait! Mel! Mike, Mel is here…MIKE!” Katie bellows from behind me. She is not having the ease I did getting through. I am not sure if that’s because they know who this is about or if I have just the best timing, but she struggles behind me as the crowd shoves me forward. Landing on my knees, gritting my teeth, and trying to forget the pain shooting up my thighs, I take a deep breath and look up. Standing before me with a worried yet pissed off look is Josh. He doesn’t say anything, and I am not sure whether he is worried about me or whether he is worried more about getting his ass kicked by Mike. I turn to face Mike who has his fists balled at his sides, eyes bloodshot with anger, and heaving rapid shallow breaths. I have never seen him look so angry. Quite frankly, it scares me.
Walking up to Mike’s right side, I place my hand on his, willing him to calm down, to see that I am fine. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t step back. He doesn’t even flinch. He is fixed to his spot. I look to his face, pleading with him, but his eyes are fixed on Josh.
“Mike, what the hell are you doing? Calm down. Let’s go outside and talk.” I get no reaction from him; he is deadlocked on his prey, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of movement. In that moment, I regret ever telling him what happened all those years ago. Looking in to Mike’s eyes, I can see it. What have I done to my friend? He took my burden for me, and now, he is paying the price. I have to end this now, for both Mike and Josh’s sake.
I look from Josh to Mike and back again. I can see the hurt in Josh’s eyes. All he wants to do is explain; I it’s etched into his face. I can feel it, but there is no way he can, at least not while Mike has a target on his back. I step away from the raging bull I call my friend, edging slightly closer to Josh. We lock eyes. I smile and mouth “I’m sorry.” He gives me a small nod. I turn and face Mike once more. I notice his eyes move to the right, and I follow them. Turning, I see Josh is gone, and I watch while the sea of bodies part as he heads for the exit.
With that simple gesture, I gave him an out. In a way, I saved him. He was given the opportunity to leave, and he took it. I turn back to Mike who seems to be more relaxed now that the room begins to empty and Josh is nowhere to be seen. Emotions flood my system from every direction, and there is so much I want to say. However, anger barges to the forefront. I cannot hold myself back. Mike needs to hear me out, and it will be here and now.
I am grateful to him, don’t get me wrong, but today, he jumped to a big conclusion. He came in here with guns ablaze, wanting to knock Josh out, and I am none the wiser why. Mustering all the courage I can, I turn and face Mike. Katie said herself there was something I did not know, so now is the time to find out.
“Mike… Mike, look at me. What the hell are you playing at? What is the big deal? Mike? Damn it! Look at me!” I yell as emotions rise within me. “If you don’t talk to me right now, I will track Josh down and find out from him!”
With those words, Mike snaps his head in my direction. I swear if he had lasers in his eyes, they would be burning holes in my forehead right now. I see some sort of reaction in his face as I begin to turn and walk away. He grabs my arm, and I tense. This is all too much for me right now. All I had to do was lay low for the next four days. Four days, people. Four damn days. Damn you, Josh. Why now?
Mike turns me around to face him. My eyes fill with unshed tears as his eyes silently plea with me. To me, it’s all a lie.
“Mel, I’m sorry. I saw red. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry? What are you not telling me, Mike? I know you guys are hiding something from me, and until I fin
d out what, I will not accept your apology. Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to find Josh?” I snap. Mike takes a deep breath and tightens the grip on my shoulders. “While we are talking about him, what the hell is so wrong with him that you would flip out like that? I barely know him. It’s becoming very clear to me that you have kept him away the last three years, but I am struggling to see why. What is so wrong with him? I know what’s wrong with me, and I get why you feel the need to protect me. I am grateful. Really, I am, but Josh has never done anything to me.”
“Mel, we haven’t kept him away from you. You made the decision to keep yourself locked away. Can’t you see that? You judged him.” I turn to face Katie. She bows her head as we make eye contact. “Listen to me. We tried to set you and Josh up a while back remember. He has always had a thing for you, but when your mother showed up, you hit low. We, I, couldn’t see you get hurt.”
I am stunned. He likes me? Am I that naive? Am I really that blind?
“I am not a child, Mike. Did you once ask me if I needed protecting, huh?” I snap. Mike looks everywhere but at me. He takes a deep breath and loosens his grip from my tight shoulders.
“I know you’re not Mel, but it’s Josh. He is a player. You know this. You have seen it. I asked him to stay away, and he has until now. I don’t know why he would want to know you now, but it can only be for selfish reasons. I only wanted to protect you. I remember all too well what happened when you asked him about Jessica. Don’t you?”
I need to get away from here. They have kept me in a bubble for too long. What makes it harder to bear is the fact that I let them. I was ignorant. As I walk to my car and away from the madness that has consumed my day, I reflect on the last two hours. I stood between the two people I thought I could trust. The two people who, if anything, would honest with me. Instead, I faced the truth that everyone I get close to hurts me at one time or another. Not able to stand the harsh truth that shrouds my life, I left. I walked away from the two people I have completely depended on for the last three years.