by Kate Benson
I’m more than halfway through my shift when I begin to feel antsy, something in the pit of my stomach telling me there’s something wrong although I can’t put my finger on what. I quickly do what I can to brush the feeling away, but when I finish my shift and the feeling hasn’t left me, it’s all I can do to slip back behind the driver’s seat in my dad’s truck and make the short drive back home.
The sun is setting, the street lights slowly switching on one by one as I make my way down the quiet streets of the neighborhood. For a moment, I’m reminded of my simple and then, seemingly boring childhood and can’t help but smile. Back before my mom passed and high school and Eddie and all the complications that came with getting older took over my life, these were the very same streets I grew up on. I rode my bike here, skipped rope with my friends, told secrets in treehouses and played MASH inside our bedrooms until the street lights popping up overhead right now told us it was time to go home. Back then, life was simple, it was predictable and boring.
Back then, each day felt promised even though it never was.
I shake the emotion that slips into my chest and pull into the driveway, thinking sadly about which frozen dinner is on the menu tonight. I throw the truck in park and cut the ignition, movement from next door pulling my attention before it suddenly sends a jolt of alarm through my chest.
I push my door shut and take a few steps closer to where Nate is sitting silently on the porch, head in his hands. I make it to the end of the walkway on the other side of the long, white fence that separates my dad’s yard from his mom’s and give Rocky a small smile as I watch him rise and trot over to my feet.
“Hey, buddy,” I say quietly, bending down to a crouch and scratching his ears, my smile widening when his wet tongue finds my chin and he licks me in approval.
I tend to him for a moment before my eyes move up to find Nate watching our exchange, his expression softer although he says nothing as I stand. I take the few steps remaining between us and come to a stop in front of him, still holding his eyes, hating the sadness I see inside them.
I think even if I’d never met Nate Foster before this moment, it would be obvious something is breaking his heart.
However, I do know Nate Foster. That only makes it more obvious that this pit I’ve been feeling in my stomach all day hasn’t been for nothing.
Something big is about to happen and it’s not something good.
“Hey,” I say quietly, taking a seat beside him, the gentle brush of his leg against mine sending a jolt of comfort I don’t readily expect, but also can’t say surprises me much anymore.
“Hey,” he replies, his voice broken with either sadness or lack of use. Maybe both.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, hating the question because I already know the answer and it’s the last thing I want out of him.
He shakes his head, slowly running his palms over his face as he lets out a long, low sigh of exhaustion and I give him a subtle nod that I resent almost immediately.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, pulling his eyes to mine and up close, the sadness I’d seen from the sidewalk is so much more pronounced and obvious, it nearly takes my breath. He shakes his head once more, the tears brimming around his eyes almost my undoing and I’m forced to clear my throat to swallow the horrible need to cry right along with him. I feel my own fears slipping away as I let instinct take over and I wind my arm inside his, entwining my fingers into his calloused hand before resting my head against his shoulder. “Okay,” I whisper, angling my chin slightly as my eyes finally brave their way to his once more. “If you change your mind, I’m here.”
He stares into me, the feel of his hot breath moving over me unsteadily somehow offering me comfort and insanity all at once. It’s nothing I’ve ever experienced before, but somehow, I think I realize in this moment it’s the very thing I’ve been searching for, not just since I got home, but maybe all along.
He lifts his free hand from its place on Rocky’s head and uses it to brush a stray piece of my hair away from my face, studying my features for a long moment before he releases a low, unsteady sigh and presses his lips for my forehead.
“Ava?” he whispers, his voice so low, it’s nearly blown away with the soft night breeze.
“Hmm?”
“Thank you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nate
It’s hard to explain what happened after that night on the steps with Ava.
We sat outside like that for hours, no more words spoken until the night engulfed us both and I walked her home. She gave me a quick kiss on the jaw, making me promise to call her if I needed her and I nodded, the best I could manage in my shock. I didn’t feel her eyes leave me until I stepped back into my mom’s house and my thoughts of her didn’t relent until I was fast asleep on the couch downstairs.
I wake to a text from her checking in on me and I reply quickly. Just knowing she’s still willing to speak to me after all I put her through makes something inside my broken heart spur back to life, if only for a moment.
My shift feels like it lasts an eternity. Once I’m done, I drive directly to my mom’s, happy to see she’s feeling alright, the long rest she’d taken the night before seeming to have done her some good.
“Is there anything you need me to help you with before bed?” I ask, pulling a shake from her head. “Are you sure? Did you look over the list the doctor gave you? You need to make sure you’re eating right. I can go and pick up a few things from Food Mart if you need me to.”
“I’m fine, honey,” she waves me off, shaking her head at my concern as she feeds Rocky a biscuit, his curved tail wagging blissfully. “You’re going to wear yourself out with worry if you don’t watch it, kid.”
“Well, I can’t help it,” I sigh, shrugging as I take her in. “You’re my mom. It’s my job to worry over you.”
“No, you’ve got that backwards. It’s my job to worry over you,” she corrects me, ignoring the shake of my head. “Yes, Nathan. So long as I’ve still got my wits about me, you won’t be treating me like an invalid.”
“I’m not trying to treat you like an invalid, Ma. I’m trying to make sure we’re doing everything the doctor says so that you can be healthy as long as possible.”
“And if I was an invalid, I’d need your help with that, but as of this moment, I’m still perfectly capable of making my own supper,” she admonishes me, swatting me away. “Don’t smother me, Nathan. I didn’t do it to you as a boy and you won’t do it to me as an old lady.”
“Fine,” I put my hands up, understanding her words but still frustrated as hell. “I’m walking next door. I’ll come back over and check on you.”
“I don’t need you to check on me.”
“Well, then I’ll come back over and tell you goodnight then,” I shake my head, ignoring her eye roll. “I love you. Stop being difficult.”
“I love you, too. Now get out,” she chuckles. “It’s time for the news and I won’t be able to listen with you squawking in my ear.”
“Okay,” I sigh, gesturing for Rocky to follow me outside.
I make my way across her front yard and knock on Ava’s door, giving her a small smile when she pulls the door open and looks up at me in surprise.
“Hey,” she says quietly, rubbing her eyes and yawning, her hair in slight disarray.
“Hey,” I reply, my voice low as I think about the night before. “Sorry for just dropping by,” I start, anxiety hitting my chest as I consider my words. “I just…” I trail off, my eyes leaving hers for a moment before I glance back down to find her waiting patiently. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” she replies, pushing the door open wider and smiling down at Rocky as he pushes his way passed us both. She pushes the door shut and comes in behind me, brushing passed me quietly as I take in her blanket and pillow still strewn across the couch. “I’m sorry about the mess.”
“You know I don’t care about any of that,” I reply.
&nbs
p; “Yeah, I know,” she admits, her voice as low and nervous as mine. “I’m just used to certain things being expected of me, I suppose…”
Her voice trails off and for a moment, I see a flash of memory fill her features, the anguish there something I hate.
“Nothing is expected of you here, Ava,” I promise quietly, her eyes moving to mine. “Certainly not from me.”
She swallows hard over the emotion that nearly overtakes her and gives me a subtle nod of understanding.
“I know that, too,” she says low, holding my eyes. There’s something in her gaze, something in the words we don’t have the courage to say that speak volumes.
“Can we talk?”
“Of course,” she nods, gesturing toward the couch. “Have a seat. Would you like anything?”
“Sure,” I nod, my eyes falling on her petite form and admiring it as she goes. A few moments pass, and I smile as she returns to me, setting a small bowl filled with water on the floor of her kitchen for Rocky before she hands me a glass of sweet iced tea. “Thanks.”
She settles in beside me, angling her body so that she’s facing me and huddled against the corner of the couch. She pulls her long, tanned legs onto the cushions, wrapping her arm around her knees and giving me all her attention immediately, the sweet and simple gesture suddenly sending my nerves into overdrive.
I give her a small smile, raking my palm over my chin as I clear my throat and search for the words I’d practiced the whole way over. I’d felt prepared, completely ready for this conversation. Yet, now that it’s here, the reality that comes from speaking them crashes into me and I feel my nerve slipping.
“Nate?” she whispers, her soft voice pulling me from my troubled thoughts as my eyes drift to hers. “If your feelings have changed, if you’ve decided…” she trails off, swallowing passed the emotion bubbling up in her chest before she pushes forward. “I’m here in whatever way you need me to be.”
There’s something about her gaze, her words that wash away my nerves all at once. I reach for her hand and take it in mine, giving it an affectionate squeeze. Her breath is hot, unsure as I pull her close and press my lips to hers. A low whimper slips from her chest and it makes me swallow the mountain of regret I’ve been pushing back all week.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe as I pull away. “Ava, I shouldn’t have…”
“You don’t have to-”
“Yeah, I do,” I cut her off, holding her eyes more fiercely. “It’s just… until you came along, she’s all I’ve ever had,” I explain, her eyes softening slightly with a combination of understanding and compassion. “When you said it out loud…”
“I know,” she whispers, reaching for my hand and giving it a squeeze. “Nate, I get it. And I’m sorry, too, because maybe I overstepped and shouldn’t have put my nose where it doesn’t belong, but your mom’s been…” she swallows hard. “You know how this town can be,” she shrugs, glancing down at her nails before releasing a sigh. “I married the captain of the football team, the face of the town, the magic man who took us to state,” she rolls her eyes. “Who am I to not overlook his faults like the rest of them?” Something in her words, the memories dancing in her mind take her away from me, somewhere far she has no business returning to before she shakes her thoughts clear and returns to me once more. “Anyway, my Daddy was all I had, too,” she smiles sadly. “I guess I just wanted to make sure you didn’t have to miss her like I’ve been missing him. That’s all. I didn’t mean to…”
“But you were right,” I admit. “The doctor said it’s progressing pretty rapidly. It could be a couple of years, but the way it’s looking, she might only have a few months,” I manage, clearing my throat once more. “He said she’ll need someone to keep an eye on her, especially after it…” I shake my head clear, hating the lump in my throat. “I’m going to have to take some extra time off work, but I’ve got to still try and maintain everything. We can’t afford to pay for a private nurse and right now, she would kill me if I even suggested a nursing home. Eventually, though, she’s going to need someone with her constantly and I’m not willing to ask her to leave her home. Not until I have to anyway,” I sigh. “I don’t know what to do, Ava.”
I glance over to find her eyes locked on me, soft with compassion and unshed tears. She stays silent for a moment, glancing down at where our hands are joined and takes better hold of mine, squeezing it gently in hers again.
“When I was a kid, I remember walking outside to catch the bus and coming home from school each day and your mother was outside,” she begins quietly, her eyes drifting slightly to another time, another girl even, as the memory takes her over. “She’d always wave, ask me how my day had been, sometimes even snap a picture or two for my dad. No one else outside of my father ever did that, Nate,” she admits. “Not my friends, not even my ex,” she sighs at the memory. “When I came back, my entire existence was shattered. This whole town made me feel like an outsider, but she never did,” she whispers, making my heart clench in my chest. “She’s shown me love even on days when maybe I couldn’t give it to myself. I could count on one hand the people who have treated me with such kindness, but she makes that list,” she admits. “If it wasn’t for your mom… Nate, if it wasn’t for you, I’d have no one. I would have just given up completely.” As her gaze begins to grow hazy with unshed tears, so does mine. “A day might be coming where your mom doesn’t remember all the things she’s done for me, but I won’t ever forget,” she vows, her blue eyes finding mine and breathing a little life back into me. “It might feel like the world is closing in and turning its back on you, leaving you for dead, but you’ve both still got one girl in your corner.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Nate
The weeks following that day on Ava’s couch are some of the hardest of my life.
Having her by my side through it all has also made them some of the best.
Despite the changes going on with my mother and our already hectic schedules becoming even more consuming by the day, we’ve been able to slip back into us easier than I think either of us expected. Maybe it’s the fact that our three-day hiatus had shown us what we needed to see, maybe the impending heartache lit a fire under our asses. I’m not sure which. I am sure that whatever it is, Ava’s become my saving grace in more ways than one and every chance she gets, she makes sure she knows I’ve been hers, as well.
I wake before the sunlight seeps into her living room window, grateful that the rain from the night before has had time to cease before she wakes. I stretch out groggily, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her close before pressing my lips to her hair. She lets out a little sigh of protest when I shift slightly, reaching for my cell phone to silence the alarm that’s due in ten minutes. Once I know our little moment of peace is secured, I return to my place and hold her closer, my mind slowly waking as I savor in the last few minutes of calm before our day begins.
I’m convinced she’s still asleep for a moment until I feel her fingertips slowly grazing over my stomach, lazily tracing the lines as her lips press to my chest.
“Good morning,” she whispers, her soft voice cracking with lack of use.
“Morning, baby,” I reply, kissing her hair again before angling her chin up and pressing my lips to hers. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good,” she yawns, burrowing in closer. “Just wish I had another hour or so.”
“Me, too,” I admit, settling into the cushions once more and silently taking in her small frame as it rests against mine.
Slowly, she’s started opening up to me about things with her ex, her hesitance and fears for her life since things with them ended. Her hesitance and fears with us. While I can’t say all the conversations were easy for either of us, hell I can’t say many of them had been, it’s certainly helped me understand her better. It’s helped our relationship grow stronger, helped me appreciate the gifts she gives me every day just by sticking around. I reach for her hand, studying her fingerti
ps before I take them as my own, threading them between mine and raising them to my lips.
“Are you hungry?”
“I could eat,” she nods, her lips quirking up on either side when I bend to tickle her neck with my scruff.
“Eggs or cereal?” I ask, and she takes a moment to consider the options before answering.
“Frosted flakes. With bananas,” she replies, making me smirk before I press my lips to her forehead and give her ass a gentle pat.
“Okay,” I sigh, lifting from the couch and turning to reach for her, pulling her up to my side. “Juice or coffee?”
“Coffee for sure,” she insists with another yawn, pulling one from my own chest.
“I second that.” She reaches on her toes to kiss my jaw before moving toward the bathroom. “Hey buddy,” I yawn toward Rocky, giving his head a gentle scratch that sends his tail into a frenzy as I make my way to the back door in Ava’s kitchen. “Come on. Let’s go outside.”
He trots outside, and I leave the door open for him, watching through the window as I start the coffee pot and reach for the cereal. By the time the cereal is poured, and the bananas are sliced on top, Ava’s filled his food and water dish and he’s back inside with us.
“Did you call your mom yet?” she asks, taking her seat at the table beside me.
“Thank you,” I yawn, taking my coffee from her and shaking my head. “No, I’m going to as soon as I finish breakfast,” I admit. “She went to bed late last night and it looks pretty quiet over there, so she’s probably still sleeping.”
“That’s probably a good thing,” she remarks, swallowing a bite and reaching for her coffee. “She’s going to have a long day today.”
“Yeah,” I nod, releasing a sigh and reaching for her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thanks for taking her. I wish I didn’t have to ask you, but I’m just about out of sick days.”
“It’s no problem, baby,” she waves me off, shaking her head. “I told you I’d help, and I meant it.”