by Lexie Syrah
The roar of the crowd, the smiling faces of the troupe…it’s almost like hockey. And as Xander bows low, a humble smile across his face, I realize this is his Stanley Cup.
…
Much later, after countless good-byes where I stood awkwardly to the side, Xander and I make it to the car. Mom left earlier to dash off to her last minute charity meeting. With the Ice Ball two days away, she’s been running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
And if the ball is two days away, that means tomorrow is my first game back from my injury. And Hayden’s first game back from his suspension. The Falcons have lost every game since we’ve been away. Thinking of it makes me feel as if there’s a heavy shroud over my shoulders. I shrug off the thought.
Xander trills the car ride away, talking about funny backstage moments and mistakes the cast made (of course, no one else could pick up on them). When we pull into our driveway, I turn off the car but don’t move to go in. As much as I’d love to crawl upstairs and pretend tomorrow is never going to happen, I know I have to sort things out with my brother. For the last few weeks, we’ve been pretending everything is fine and our fight never happened. But it’s time for me to do something I never thought I’d have the courage to do.
“Xander,” I say, “can we talk?”
“Alice wants to talk?” Xander laughs. “What, is the world ending and no one wanted to tell me?”
I drop my hands from their vice grip on the steering wheel. “Ugh, forget it!”
He touches my hand, and I look at him. He’s smiling, as if he’s still glowing from the light of the play. If there was ever a good moment to talk about something, it would be now.
I take a deep breath.
“I know you’re gay.” I didn’t plan out anything eloquent or beautiful to say, but it seems dumb to just leave it there, so I stammer on. “Freddy told me. But I want you to know it doesn’t matter to me, not even a little. I love you no matter what. You’re my best friend.”
Xander sits back in his seat, and I can hear his heavy breath in the dark car. The silence sits like a third passenger.
“I guess I needed to tell you eventually,” he finally says. “God knows, you would never have realized it on your own.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Only that you’re the most oblivious person on the planet.” Xander laughs. “Come on, Al, you thought hockey was America’s national sport until last year!”
“Hmm.” I stroke my chin. “Good point. But I’m only the second most oblivious person on the planet.”
He smiles, and we say it together: “Next to Mom.”
And it’s not even funny, but we break out giggling, filling the car with our identical laugh.
When we’re gasping for breath and wiping tears from our eyes, I take Xander’s hand. “I’m sorry. You were right this whole time. I was so selfish, and I wasn’t there when you needed me most.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I lied to you too, Al. I kept Freddy’s secret to protect my own. We’ve both been selfish.”
A small smile creeps up my face. “Soo…can we just agree we both suck?”
He gives me an identical smile back. “Worst twins on the planet.”
I pull him into a hug. “Do we get to talk about hot guys together now?”
“I’m pretty sure there’s only one hot guy you want to talk about.”
Hayden and I have had to go and watch the Falcons lose, game after game. Not once has he said anything to me, or even looked at me at all. I never thought I could make anyone hate me the way he does. “That…that doesn’t matter. Not anymore.” I look at Xander out of the corner of my eye. “You think he’s hot, too?”
Xander turns serious. “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?”
I fidget with the volume knob, gathering my courage to tell him about the next part of the story. “Hayden found out.” Before he can interrupt, I tell him everything from the bonfire, to the hotel room, to Christmas, to the moment he walked in on me in the trainer’s office.
He doesn’t say anything when I’m done. “I’m sorry, Xander. I’m so sorry. I’m not going to go to the game tomorrow…or go back ever. I’ll tell Coach I’m too injured to play until your leg is strong enough—”
“I don’t want that.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to play hockey again,” he says flatly.
“But you’ve been playing hockey your whole life!”
“Exactly!” he says, laughing a little. “This was the first year I’ve actually felt like I could breathe! That I could actually focus on my acting because I wasn’t trying so hard to be a hockey player. This was the first year that I could be, well, me.”
I try to wrap my head around this. Hockey has been everything to me and Xander since we could walk.
Or maybe it’s just been everything to me, and I was too oblivious to realize it.
“Don’t you miss it?” I ask.
“Parts of it, I guess,” he says. “But we both know I wouldn’t have made the Falcons if it wasn’t for you. And at this level, it’s all-or-nothing. And I would have had to give everything I am to even scrape by on the 4th line. I was prepared and willing to do it, because I wanted so bad to be someone I’m not.” He runs a hand over his face. “But maybe breaking my leg made me selfish, because I don’t think I’m willing to give up that part of myself anymore.”
“You need to do what makes you happy,” I say. “Are you gonna tell people?”
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Not right away, though. One at a time. Mom first.”
“Ma will understand. I mean, if she can get over me cutting off my hair, then she’ll get over anything!”
“True enough.” He laughs. Then he reaches up and turns on the little light in the car, so that I can really see his face. “So, Al, if you do go back tomorrow, I want you to go back for you. You love that team with everything you are. Just do what Alice Bell wants to do.”
I close my eyes and think. “How am I supposed to do what Alice Bell wants, when I don’t even know who she is?” I flash Xander a look, but he’s silent. “Now would be a good time for one of your insightful quotes.”
He gives a wry smile. “How the hell is anyone, except yourself, going to tell you who you are?”
“But I don’t know.”
“Stop trying to be a different person for all these different people. Just…play your game.”
I mull it over as we leave the car and walk into our house. As I step into my bedroom alone, I wonder about all the different versions of myself. Alice the daughter, the sister, the girlfriend, the figure skater. And Al, the hockey player. The rookie. The friend.
Maybe none of these are lies. All of them make up the mosaic of my life, a picture of broken glass and scars. But there’s beauty there, too.
All I know is, I am a girl who loves her family. And hockey is more than a game to me. It’s part of me.
I walk to my closet and pick up my jersey. Number forty-four. We’ve come far this season, and the playoffs are so close, I can taste them. I’ve been the one sweating and hurting and testing myself to get this team to where we are.
And I won’t stop now.
…
Hayden
There’s no way I’m nervous. I haven’t been nervous before a game…well, ever. So why am I sitting in my goddamn Jeep? My fists clench and unclench on the steering wheel. I’ve watched my whole team walk into the arena.
I’m the captain now, and I’ve left my team alone for the last five games. And they lost all five of them.
Now, we’re about to play our biggest rivals: the Ice Wolves. And if we don’t win this game, we won’t have enough points to make it into the playoffs.
Despite the chill, sweat drips down my brow. I’m the captain. I should have been the first one in, prepared with a rousing speech to motivate my team. Outside the clouds break open, and rain rat-tat-tats on my roof.
Where is she? I search the
parking lot for the eight millionth time. No sign of her old sedan. Alice was out five games, same as me, and now it looks like she’s not even going to show up. Anger grows in me again. If she hadn’t gotten hit…
Your emotions got the best of you, Hayden. My brother’s voice plays in my head. And those losses? That’s on you, Captain.
I smack the dashboard with my fist. It’s not fair! Kevin doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know what Alice did to me.
There are going to be NHL scouts watching the playoff games. How do you plan to get noticed if you’re not in the playoffs, Captain?
My sweat drips cold, and I force Kevin’s voice out of my head.
A bus pulls up in front of the arena, and the Ice Wolves file out. I scan their faces, looking for Fred. I guess I’m lucky I didn’t hit him hard enough to put him out for too long, otherwise I could have been suspended for the rest of the season. But I’ll have to be careful: he’ll be gunning for me tonight.
A ratty red car skids over the wet roads and parks shoddily. A sickening spurt of adrenaline surges through my gut. She’s here, she’s here, she’s here.
I whack my forehead. Why do I give a shit? Now it’s just going to be excruciatingly awkward. Yet, my heart sprints in my chest, and I hurriedly snatch my gear from the passenger’s seat.
She’s dressed exactly how I remember: wearing her gear already like a total loser. The rain plasters her hair across her face. Of course she’s not using an umbrella. That’s just not something Al would do.
One of the Ice Wolves breaks away from the pack as the rest of the team heads inside. He saunters toward Alice.
Fredlund.
My body stiffens. I need to ignore them and just head into the arena. But instead, I jump out of the Jeep and head toward them.
The image of Fred decking Alice flashes across my mind. Her grimace in pain as she sat on the trainer’s bench. He wanted to hurt her then, and he could want to hurt her now—
But as I get closer, I notice something is off. The way he’s standing over her, the leer on his face. He reaches forward and wraps an arm around her waist.
Ice floods through my body, and I stop. He knows.
Alice couldn’t tell me her secret, but she told him. She told the fucker who cheated on her, but she couldn’t tell me?
Alice jerks away from Fred, raising her hockey stick like a sword. Her voice grows loud and menacing.
She’s got this under control. I turn to stumble into the arena, but they’ve both spotted me. Fred huffs and walks toward me. I smile slightly at the crook in his nose. “Looking forward to seeing you on the ice, Captain,” he sneers as he brushes past me. Then he turns back and gives a skin-crawling smile to Alice. “You too, Allie.”
He disappears into the arena, and I’m left staring at Alice’s wide eyes. She looks as if she’s about to say something, so I quickly turn and head into the arena.
“Hayden, wait!” She rushes to catch up to me. “It’s not like I told him. He saw me in the ER and figured it out.”
I push the door but don’t hold it open for her. “I believe you. Whatever’s in the best interest for Alice, always.”
“Be quiet!” She grabs my arm and looks down the empty concrete hallway.
I walk faster, trying to ignore her, but her presence lingers behind me. I wish she hadn’t come back. How am I supposed to concentrate on the most important game of the season when I’m worried she’s going to get creamed every shift? How am I supposed to trust her to be there in a play when she’s spent every day lying to me? And how am I supposed to be a captain and bring my team together when I want her as far out of my life as possible?
I grit my teeth. That’s it. Starting now, she doesn’t exist to me.
I know how to score goals without Al Bell.
…
Alice
The clock ticks down to zero as the second period ends. I feel my whole team rise up around me with a pathetic moan. 2–0 for the Ice Wolves. I’ve never felt so low in my life. How could I have thought that everything would be normal again once I came back?
First, Freddy taunting me as I walked into the arena. I know he won’t reveal my secret tonight: he stashes secrets like a rat. But every time I see him, it’ll be like he’s holding a loaded gun, ready to fire.
And what did I expect it to be like on the ice? That Hayden and I would have the same chemistry we usually do? No, he’s gone back to his favorite move of not passing to me. I can’t even be mad. I deserve all of this.
But the Falcons don’t. This is our last chance at the playoffs…and we’re failing. Because of me.
I’m the last one on the bench. All this time I had been lying to myself, pretending I was here so I could help Xander. No, I was playing because I loved it. Because I wanted to prove I could outplay those who didn’t believe in me. And I told Hayden I lied to him to protect Xander’s secret. But that was a lie, too. I was too afraid to lose everything I had built. Not just my place on the team, but what we shared.
How ironic.
I shake my head. None of it matters now. I have to stop thinking about me. It’s time to put the Falcons first.
I jump up and follow my team. They sulk around the locker room, silent and sullen. Coach resembles a bomb, red-faced and ready to pop.
“You get soft on your days off, Bell?” Coach snaps. “Pick it up next period.”
My cheeks redden. Maybe I could, if someone actually passed me the puck! That’s thinking about you, Alice. I can’t do that anymore.
I walk over to Hayden. He purposefully looks in the other direction.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, low enough that no one else can hear.
He yawns.
“Fine, don’t talk,” I say through gritted teeth. “Just listen. I want to offer you a deal.”
“A deal?” He gives a cruel laugh. “This should be interesting.”
At least I got a reaction out of him. I turn and to my surprise, he follows me. We enter the trainer’s office. Suddenly, I feel very hot and take off my helmet.
“So?” he says, leaning on the door, as if he’s afraid to come too far into the room with me.
I swallow, my throat dry. How can I put my thoughts into words he will understand? “I know I can’t ever make it right between us. What I did was wrong, and I don’t blame you for hating me.” The words sit like a pile of stones on my tongue. I can count on one hand the times I’ve admitted I’m wrong. I force myself to meet his dark gaze and continue.
“But maybe I can make things right by the team.” I cross my arms. “If we win tonight, the Falcons start the playoffs in a couple weeks.”
Hayden paces in the doorway. “Did you bring me in here to tell me what’s at stake? I already know! Everyone has been drilling it into me. If I screw up two seasons in a row, I can kiss my chances of being drafted good-bye. I goddamn know what’s at stake!”
“I won’t come back!” I shout back at him. His body stills. “That’s what I’m trying to say. After this game, I’ll quit the Falcons for good.”
“What do you mean?” He fully steps inside the room.
“Look…I know you don’t want to play with me anymore. But if we work together tonight, we might be able to …no, I know we can catch up. We can win! You just have to play with me one last time. Then you’ll never have to see me again.”
“Why would you do that?” He stares at me intently. “There’s nothing in the world you love more than hockey.”
“That was before I met…uh…I-I was never supposed to be here, anyways. I’m never going to play in the NHL. It’s time to do something right.” I have to turn away from him. This is bigger than me. Even bigger than the Falcons.
This is for Hayden.
If we lose tonight and don’t make it to the playoffs, he won’t get noticed by the NHL scouts and show them the captain he’s become. My stomach twists inside as I think about him living without his dream.
Those stupid tears spring to my ey
es again. He may be short-tempered and wear dumb hats and lose himself to his emotions…but he’s the kindest person I’ve ever known. Those emotions that rule him—they rule me, too. I could get lost in his smile or drown myself in his sorrow. And after all he’s been through…he needs a little happiness.
My voice cracks as I struggle to talk. “Look, I can deal with you hating me, but I can’t watch you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for. Don’t pass to me for me—do it for the Falcons. We don’t have to be best friends: you can be the captain of the Falcons, and I’ll just be a player who can help this team win. That’s it. It doesn’t mean you forgive me. But right now, like it or not, I’m your team’s best chance to win this game.”
He stands like a statue and the only sound is the clock ticking away. Then he turns and begins to leave.
“Hayden?” I say. “Do we have a deal?”
He doesn’t look back as he says: “Coach has us on a line together for a reason. Let’s remind everyone why.”
…
The moment we step onto the ice, I immediately know that Hayden’s agreed to my deal. I’ve somehow managed to shift his view of me from liar to teammate—at least for the next twenty minutes.
He wins the faceoff, and I land his first pass right away. Our practiced plays come to life on the ice, and the Wolves can’t keep up with us. I know exactly where Hayden will be when I fake a shot but pass to him. He one-times it into the net, and that sweet red light bursts to life.
The arena explodes, but it’s all white noise to me. There’s nothing but Hayden and me. Every shift feels like clockwork, seamless and in tune. I fly on my skates, and it’s like we can read the other’s mind.
This is how it’s supposed to be.
Hayden fires me a pass, and I stickhandle straight through three of the Ice Wolves before I reach the net. Bam! Goal number two…a tie game! The Falcons surround me cheering. I catch Hayden’s eye, and I know he’s feeling it, too. This heated connection between us.
My heart hammers in my chest, and I look away. Now is no time to be lovesick. We’re one goal away from the playoffs. My stomach sinks as I head to the bench. I have to savor this: my last game with the Falcons.