by Roman Shepp
The bobcat’s eyes showed no mercy and Saeed knew if he didn't fight back, the animal would tear out his throat, then feed on the rest of him. Saeed strained for breath. The bobcat was stronger than he imagined and one of its legs was pinning his arm down, making it impossible for Saeed to swing his blade around. The stale breath was hot against Saeed's face, and for a moment there was sweet surrender as Saeed wondered if he should simply give up and let nature take its course. Perhaps this bobcat was delivered by God, its sole purpose to take away Saeed's misery. For a moment it all seemed to make sense. The pain would be over. The fighting would be over. No longer would Saeed have to be burdened by his guilt, and now that he had told Tony and Jane about Aaminah there were people who would remember her.
The animal was wild and unhinged. Foam spread across its mouth and its pink tongue drooled. In its eyes Saeed recognized many of the same feelings within himself. He was no better than the bobcat. Perhaps it was poetic that the animal should take his life. Saeed could feel his arm weakening, and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold off the animal much longer. He wasn't going to take his own life, but that didn't mean he couldn't give it up.
A rough bark emerged from Groot as the dog scampered up to the commotion. The bobcat's attention was drawn away from Saeed for a moment, as it bared its snarling teeth toward Groot. The bobcat looked as though it was about to lunge when Tony came up and swung his bat, hitting the animal square in the jaw. Its neck snapped back. It let out an ungodly cry before it was silenced. Its body was thrown back through the air, sliding across the ground. Tony had put all his strength into that blow.
“Why didn't you call out for help, Saeed? Why didn't you try fighting back?” Tony yelled. He gripped the baseball bat tightly. His body was tense, almost trembling. Saeed remained quiet as he pushed himself up and dusted himself off. He slid the knife back into its rightful place.
“Well?” Tony demanded. Saeed merely turned his gaze away. “I thought you were over this death wish, Saeed. I'm not going to keep saving your life if you're willing to just throw it away,” he spat.
“Cool off, Tony. Come on, I'm sure he didn't mean that,” Jane said, pulling Tony away.
The man glared at Saeed, and all Saeed could do was to keep following in his footsteps. He glanced back toward the bobcat and felt neither pity nor remorse. At least the bobcat was at peace now. Saeed would have to wait a while longer before he experienced the same. He wished Tony understood better, and thought about trying to explain, but how could he explain how hollow he felt after losing everything? He told himself he should fight, and he should be carrying on to make his family proud, but everything seemed so empty. It was difficult to find any meaning in a world where his entire life had been taken away from him. Tony marched off, frustrated. Jane went after him, leaving Saeed to walk alone.
'Saeed, you still can find meaning. You do not have to give up like the bobcat,' Nadya's voice inside said. Saeed always had listened to Nadya. She was a wise woman, but this wasn't Nadya talking at all. It was merely his own fractured mind, trying to fool him into thinking there still was a life for him after everything that had happened. Aaminah had yet to appear to him in his mind. As hard as it was to think about Nadya, it was harder to think about his daughter. Maybe he wouldn't leave life until he saw her again, maybe that would be when he would be ready to die.
Chapter Four
After seeing what Saeed almost had done, Tony stormed off, clutching the baseball bat by his side. The tremors still ran up his arm after he had whacked the bobcat, killing it in one blow, and he trembled with frustration. Much of the strength of the blow had been fueled by his anger with Saeed, who he thought had been getting over his death wish. Groot scampered by Tony's side as Tony's footsteps thundered across the ground, leaving the rabid carcass of the bobcat behind.
Overhead, the hot air balloon still was visible. As yet, the aeronaut hadn't responded. Whether that was because he hadn't seen them, or he purposefully was ignoring them, Tony didn't know, but he hoped it was the former. Tony kicked out at a stone and watched it skitter along the road, hitting a tree. He tried not to look back at Saeed, annoyed at that man for the way he was so willing to casually throw away his life, after all Tony had done for him. On top of that, Tony just had killed a bobcat. The things he had done already...
“Are you alright?” Jane asked in a low voice, looking back to make sure Saeed was following them.
“No, I can't say that I am,” Tony replied. Jane took a few moments before she responded.
“It can't be easy for him.”
“No, it can't, but that doesn't mean he just has to throw away everything. I know he's lost everything he cared about, but he still has his life left. He's still a part of this world.”
“It's not that easy for some people. I don't know what your story is, but I never had anyone I cared about as much as Saeed cared about his family. You saw the man who I had fallen in love with, you think I'm regretting losing him? We don't know what it's like to be in his shoes. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to even carry on with life.”
Tony sighed. “I know that, deep down. I know that, but I still can't help but feel as though he's just wasting it all away. The man has been through more than I could handle and he's still standing. That has to count for something. He's amazing, but he doesn't seem able to see it himself, and I'm worried he's just going to throw his life away. I can't imagine that's what his wife and child would want.”
“That's just the problem, though. They're not here to tell us what they would want. It's up to Saeed now. He's his own man, and we can do all we can to help him, but ultimately it's his own choice.”
“I just can't believe that people would let go of life so easily.”
“You can't? Stress like this affects people in different ways. I worked in politics. Believe me, I know. Some people can handle anything life throws at them, other people crumble. From what I can see Saeed is doing about as well as we could expect him to be under the circumstances. Let's not forget that he hasn't even had a chance to grieve properly. He hasn't been able to have a funeral, or even a memorial service.”
“We should try doing something for him along the way,” Tony said, breathing heavily to try calming himself down. Tony was a man unused to strong emotions. The only passion he showed was with fictional things, so being linked with real people in this way was difficult for him.
“I guess you're right about how he's acting. I just thought he should be...well, I guess I don't know how he should be. Maybe I feel guilty for not being as distraught when I lost my parents.”
“Like I said, everyone handles these things in different ways. We all have just lost a whole world. It's going to take time to come to terms with it all. Maybe we're not even in shock yet.”
“Oh, trust me, I am,” Tony said, trying to smile, although he failed. “I guess I'm also wondering what type of person I am. Will there come a point where I'll break?”
“From what I've seen you're a strong person. You're handling this by dealing with it. You're brave, you're determined, you've seen the worst the world has to offer, and you've faced it all. Saeed has endured a lot, but so have you. You're handling it better than most, I'd imagine.”
“You really think?” Tony asked. Jane nodded. He let out a burst of laughter. Jane looked at him strangely.
“Sorry, I just never would have thought someone would think that about me. This feels like the first time I've properly lived. When my parents died I kind of retreated, losing myself in stories and movies and things. That carried on all my life. I felt more comfortable being by myself, losing myself in make believe worlds, than I did in the real world. Maybe I figured that fake people couldn't hurt me. I've always thought of myself as a coward for that. I'm sorry,” Tony said, pursing his lips. “I shouldn't be telling you all this. We're still practically strangers.”
“It's okay,” Jane said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “I think that given what we've been through we're mor
e than strangers. I know it's not easy to talk about these things, but I guess the real stuff is the only stuff left we have to talk about. It doesn't make much sense to talk about anything else. You're far from a coward, though. I get why you'd want to retreat from life. It's messy and it's not as great as everyone thinks it's cracked up to be. I always thought being an adult would be amazing, but it's marred with bad choices and mistakes. If I could go back to do it all again...well, I'd probably just make a load of other bad choices.”
“I think I'd be too scared to do anything else differently,” Tony said.
“You got so angry back there. The way you hit that bobcat...”
“I'm sorry if I scared you. I don't...I didn't want to get that violent, and usually I'd never hit an animal like that. I just saw that Saeed was in trouble--”
“And you did whatever you could to save him. You didn't scare me, Tony, and you didn't offend me either. I think we're going to have to do things we previously thought unpalatable if we're going to make it in this world. At some point we're going to have to live off the land, which means killing more animals, and sometimes ones that aren't attacking our friends. You did the right thing. You've done that since I've known you. You could have walked away when Frank told you. Hell, you could have joined in, but you didn't.”
“I couldn't!” Tony looked horrified.
“That's my point. You don't have it in you to be anything other than good, and that's a rare quality. It's even rarer now than it was before. The world needs more people like you. When everyone else was losing their heads, you stepped up. How did you do it? What made you do it?”
Tony shrugged. “Nothing made me do it. I just wanted to be like the heroes I've always idolized. I know it sounds stupid because they're just pictures on a page, but they've been like a family to me, since I didn't have a real one of my own. I looked to them for guidance. I guess in a roundabout way I wanted to make them proud of me, and I realize how stupid that sounds.”
“I don't think it sounds stupid at all. I guess we're all trying to make someone proud of us, it doesn't matter who. If that's what inspired you to save me, then thank you to Superman and Captain America and all the rest.”
“Thank you. I just...I'm finding it difficult to emulate them. In the pages everything is clear cut, and they're able to do everything they need to do. The real world, though...I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and it's not even like I know who the bad guys are. Everyone really is a victim here, it’s just that some people are trying to take advantage of it, and I'm not half the man these heroes are. I'm worried that at some point I'm going to find myself in a situation that I can't handle, and I don't know what's going to happen then. Let's face it, it's not like we've got a serious plan here.”
“Hey, hey, calm down, okay? It's not going to be as bad as you think it is. We're going to be alright. We're out of the city now, which is something. Why don't we stop for a little rest?” Tony gazed up at the hot air balloon. “I'm sure it'll be easy to find it again,” Jane reassured him.
She pulled him back and they all sat down, distributing food and water among them. Tony almost was afraid to pull off his boots to see the state of his feet. He could feel the blisters swelling on the bottom of his toes. The wave of relief that swept over him as he took the weight off his feet was almost overwhelming. Never before had Tony ever pushed himself this far, and he was feeling the effects thoroughly. He glanced over at Saeed, who was nibbling on some food. Jane gave him an encouraging nod. Tony sighed, tossed a few dog biscuits toward Groot, and then sat down by Saeed.
“I'm sorry for the way I acted back there, Saeed. I didn't mean it. I guess this world is just taking its toll on me. I didn't mean to get angry with you. I know you really don't have a death wish and you're just trying to figure your way through this like the rest of us. You know you always can count on me. But please, don't give up fighting. The fight against this life is the only thing we have left, and we can't give up. If we do, then there truly is no hope anything is going to get better.”
Although Saeed didn't respond with words, he did make eye contact with Tony. In those dark pools Tony saw a wide range of emotions, some of which scared him. It was difficult to work out what was going on inside Saeed's head. Tony wondered if he'd ever know.
“I'm sorry too,” Saeed said, just as Tony was about to sit next to Jane again. “I'm trying, Tony, I really am,” he said. That was all he could offer. Tony smiled at him again and then enjoyed the rest of their break, although now that he had given his body some respite it did not want to move again.
“I swear I feel about ten years older than I actually am,” he groaned, stretching out his back.
The group continued walking, and by now Tony was glad he didn't have to carry Groot any longer. The dog scampered along in front of them, sniffing the air for threats. Tony looked down at his bat. The wood was getting a shade darker with each stain of blood. How long would it be until it was black? Tony wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
They followed a straight road and increased their pace as they caught sight of the hot air balloon again. Jane tried yelling for attention, but still there was no sign they had been seen. However, after they had been walking for a little while longer they started noticing the balloon descending. At first Tony wasn't sure if it was an optical illusion, but then it became clear that, yes, the hot air balloon was heading toward the ground. This spark of hope gave Tony the impetus they needed to increase their pace. Tony ignored the pain lancing from his feet, hoping that once they reached the balloon they would have the freedom of the air.
The road led them to a wide field, and the forest lay beyond. Behind them the city remained, with all its chaos and destruction. A place to be avoided. The balloon had disappeared from the sky and the three of them had had to walk quickly, hoping the aeronaut would not disappear from view. However, when they first approached the field the first thing they noticed was a huge building that had been burned. Its walls were black with ash, and the roof had fallen in on itself. The air smelled disgusting, and there were dark marks all over the grass. The remnants of camp fires were strewn around the field, but as yet there was no sign of anyone.
“What the hell happened here?” Jane said. The balloon was far off, and they had to walk past the building to get to it. They went closer, and Tony was the one to run up to it. When he saw the corpses and almost threw up. Then he ran back quickly.
“Whatever happened, we don't want a part of it,” he said, his voice hollow. It seemed as though he never was going to escape death. Even this place, far from the city, had been tainted by the touch of evil. Tony only could imagine the fierceness of the fire, the panic that must have ensued as people ran to safety.
“I wonder if any of them survived.” Jane said. Given the size of the building and what they saw scattered around the field, there must have been hundreds of people. As they walked through Tony looked more closely at the stains on the grass. They were ones he was becoming all too familiar with. Fear crept up his spine and he raised the baseball bat, searching the area for any threats.
“I don't think it was just the fire that killed them,” he said grimly.
Moving carefully, they reached the hot air balloon. The balloon itself was in the process of deflating to the ground, as it wasn't being pumped full of hot air. It lay over the field, the dark red of its pattern contrasting with the green of the grass.
“Hello?” Tony said.
“I don't know if you saw us as you were flying over, but we tried getting your attention. We don't want any trouble, just wondering if we could use your balloon. Maybe we can help you. There is safety in numbers,” Jane said. Tony walked around carefully, wary of any trouble. Then he saw drag marks leading away, toward the forest.
“Whoever was piloting this balloon has been taken,” Tony said.
“But by who?” Jane asked. Tony followed the drag marks to the forest and felt his heart thud frantically.
Chapter Five
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br /> “Maybe they were wounded, or ill, and someone took them to the forest, trying to find some water or something?” Jane asked.
Her head was filled with questions, not just about the hot air balloon, but about the entire scene. What had happened here that had set the building on fire? Where had all the people gone? It was a sad sight to see the madness had reached out here as well. She had hoped it had been contained within the heart of the city. It made her more worried for the rest of the country. Gulping as she looked around, she couldn't imagine what must have happened here. Was this an accident? Did people kill themselves because they were convinced there was no hope?
Scattered footprints were pressed into the ground alongside the crimson stains. Tony already had walked close to the building, and from the look on his face Jane knew she didn't want to see what he had seen. There was something stale in the air. Something horrible had happened here, and Jane had to force herself to ignore the uneasy feeling churning in the pit of her stomach.
Tony leaned over the side of the balloon’s basket to peer inside.
“There's nothing in here apart from some empty bottles of water, a book, and some food wrappers. Oh, and a small bucket...no, you don't want to look in there,” he said, grimacing as he pulled himself back. He stood with his hands on his hips, looking around. Jane did the same.
“Why didn't he have anything to defend himself with?” Tony asked.
“Maybe he didn't think he needed to defend himself from anything?” Jane asked, although the answer felt hollow. Whoever piloted the hot air balloon – Jane refused to call him an aeronaut – must have seen the threats that people posed. There were too many questions, and not enough answers.
The area was barren. Whatever had happened here was over by now, but there was nobody to tell them exactly what had happened. The two of them called out again, in case anyone was around, but nobody presented themselves. Jane couldn't blame them if they were hiding. Perhaps the most dangerous thing anyone could do in this world was greet strangers.