by Kaylee Ryan
“You’ve got me, angel. Come on.” He leads me out of the bathroom and back to our room.
I hear Savannah and Brandon in the hallway, but I ignore them. I know her heart is breaking just like mine; she’s been married for two weeks and he’s leaving too.
“I love you,” he says, embracing me. “So fucking much it hurts to breathe. Every second I’m gone, I’ll think of you. I’m already counting down the hours until I get to hold you again, just like this.”
“I’ll be here when you get home. You’re taking my heart with you over there. I’m gonna need you to bring it back.”
“That’s easy, baby. I’m leaving mine here with you.”
I give him a watery smile, trying to be strong. “Get ready, Marine. You don’t want to be late.” I pull away from him and let him finish gathering everything he needs. While his back’s to me, I slip out the letter I wrote for him out of the dresser drawer. When he turns, I hand it to him the same damn time he hands me one. We both laugh. “You can’t read it until you’re in the air.
“That goes for you too. Wait until we’re gone.” He cups my face in his hands. “Fuck, Austyn, it’s going to break me getting on that plane today.”
“This is what you’re trained for,” I remind him, remind myself. I know we’re on repeat, but the words are our mantra. “To serve and to protect. Go be amazing, and come home to me.”
“I love you.” He kisses me quickly then grabs his bag. I follow him out of our room to the small living room. Savannah and Brandon are there waiting for us. We agreed to ride together so that Savvy and I are not alone on the way home.
“You guys ready?” Brandon asks. His tone is somber matching the rest of us. I’m terrified to look at him and see the sadness reflected in his eyes. I know if I do, I won’t be able to stay brave. To stay strong for Slade, for all of us.
Slade nods and holds his hand out for me. I take it and follow him out to my car. Tossing his bag in the trunk, he slides behind the wheel. Reaching over, he tangles his fingers with mine and rests them on my thigh. The ride is silent. The four of us not willing to talk about what’s about to happen. Instead, we hold steady to one another all the way to the base.
When we arrive, there are people everywhere. Kids hanging on to their mothers and fathers, and my heart breaks for them. Do they understand what’s happening today? Do they know that their mother or father is putting their life on the line for our freedom? Do they know that there’s a small chance that this might be the last time they ever see them? I bite down hard on my bottom lip to keep the sob from escaping. I want to cry for me, for Slade, for Brandon and Savannah, and for everyone here. Anyone and everyone who’s sending their loved ones off to the land of the unknown. To a country in battle.
Slade drops his bag at his feet and pulls me into his chest. His hold is tight, so tight I can barely breathe, but I say nothing. Instead, I bury my face in his chest and grip him, holding onto him with all that I am. Bending down, he places his lips next to my ear. “No matter what happens, I need you to tell me you know what you mean to me. You’ve given me life, Austyn. I had nothing before you. I’m leaving you with my heart, my soul, and I’ll be back to get it,” he says, kissing just below my ear.
Not caring who’s watching, I jump into his arms, and instinctively he catches me, just like I knew he would. “The only clear vision of my future is you. Take care of you,” I say as the tears begin to fall. He kisses my lips, just a peck.
“I’m always with you.” He wipes away my tears with his thumbs.
“I love you, knight.”
“I love you, angel.”
He rests his forehead against mine. “I’ll see you soon.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
He kisses me. Just a firm press of his lips to mine before setting me back on my feet. They announce overhead that it’s time for him to go, and it takes all my strength to not pull him back to me. To beg him to stay.
“I’ll be home soon.” He picks up his bag and walks away.
Tears roll down my cheeks unchecked. It’s not until I hear a sob and feel a body collapse into mine that I remember Savannah. We hold onto each other as we watch them, our men, our marines, the owners of our hearts walk away to face battle head-on.
Numbly, we make our way to my car. I have to sit there for a few minutes getting myself together before I can drive. The ride back to our apartment is just as quiet as the ride there. The only difference is, this time you can hear the pain, feel it in the air. When we make it back, we both go to our rooms, just needing some time. I assume she has a letter just like I do, and I can’t wait to rip it open and read what it says.
Austyn,
Walking away from you today is going to be the hardest thing I ever do in my life. Yes, I know I’m headed to Afghanistan. Yes, I know the risks; it’s my job. It’s what I do. All of that, none of that holds a candle to the sorrow of leaving you behind.
I’ve spent many nights watching you sleep, holding you close, feeling your hot breath against my skin. Those moments are the ones I live for. Those moments are fuel for my fight to come home to you.
I can’t make promises that I’m not certain I can keep. What I can promise you is that you are my heart. I can promise you that you will always be with me and are never far from my thoughts. I can promise you that when the times comes and I make it home, I want you to be my wife. I want you to share my last name, be the mother of our children, and most of all, I want to know that no matter where this career might take me, you’ll always be there.
Stay strong, angel. I’ll write, call, e-mail… whatever I can, as much as I can. Just know that even if you go a while without hearing from me, I’m always with you.
I love you, angel.
Slade.
After reading the letter twice more, I burrow under the covers that smell like him, like us, and cry myself to sleep.
I HAD TO MAKE MYSELF turn and walk away from her. My features remain as stone; there’s no other option. I’m a United States Marine. I’m trained for this. I know my job. I’m confident in my skills. They trained me for that. My brothers and I, we’re ready. What they didn’t train me for was the way my heart would feel like it was splitting in two when the tears coated her cheeks. They didn’t train me with the words to tell her what she means to me. I must have said “I love you” a hundred times in the last two days, but I couldn’t seem to find the words to tell her any other way.
Stepping onto the plane, I strap in and pull her letter out of my pocket. I keep it gripped in my fist, both eager to read it and dreading it at the same time. I’m not so sure I’ll be able to keep from losing my cool. Looking around, I see many of my fellow marines—hell, most of them—have envelopes or papers gripped in their hands. Oddly enough, it makes me feel marginally better that they too didn’t know how to express how they were feeling. I can only assume their wives, husbands, boyfriends or girlfriends, even their parents and siblings, struggled the way my girl had. Hence the reason we’re all clutching letters as if it were them.
I wait until the plane takes off and open her letter. I take a deep breath before I let my eyes roam over her words.
Slade,
I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve woken reaching for you, fearing you were already gone. Tonight’s going to be hard. After sleeping in your arms every night for the past few weeks, it’s going to be hard to adjust.
I’ve tried to memorize everything. The way your heartbeat feels against the palm of my hand, the hugs from your strong arms, your kisses against my skin. Every laugh, every smile, every “I love you,” all of it. I’ve tried to memorize it all.
I worry I didn’t stay strong enough, that letting you see my tears will worry you, but I assure you, I’ll be okay. I know you’re coming home to me. I can feel it deep inside. Our story doesn’t end here.
I worry I didn’t say I love you enough. Do you know how much you mean to me? Just in case, let me tell you again. You’re my entire world, my heart
, my soul, my knight. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Remember that. Don’t let a second pass by while you’re there not remembering how much I love you. When times get tough, because we both know they will, close your eyes and feel the love I have for you. Let me be the one to pull you through the chaos and bring you home safe.
I love you,
Austyn
Closing my eyes, I clutch her letter in my hands. I want to demand they turn the plane around. Demand they let me stay with her. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a marine; it’s who I am. The Marines gave me something more when I had nothing at all. Friendship, brothers, and that led me to Austyn. I feel prepared for my duty. I’m proud to serve my country. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to be counting down the days until I get to hold her again. To press my lips against hers and to ask her to be my wife. I’m proud to be a marine, but the emotions, the pride, the love that flows through my veins at the thought of her being my wife, they surpass all others.
Flying to Afghanistan is not my idea of a good time, but finally, we arrive. We set up camp and are shown where the computers and phones are. We’re told we can call our families, give them our address, and tell them we’ve arrived safely, and to keep it to one call and under five minutes. I want to race to the phone, to the computer, but I don’t. I take a cot next to Combs and wait for the crowd to die down.
“It was cleared out when I left,” Jeffers says.
“You two better go call the ball and chains,” Spiller chimes in.
“Fuck off,” Combs fires back. “You try leaving your wife of two weeks and tell me how you handle it.” He stands from his cot and storms away.
“That’s low, man. Just because you choose to stick your dick in any willing female and we don’t, doesn’t make it right. One of these days you’re going to fall, and then you’ll understand what we’re going through.” I stalk off after Combs. It’s time to call my girl.
I dial her number, and it barely rings before she’s answering, her sweet voice greeting me. “Slade?”
“Hey, Aust.”
“Hey.” Her voice cracks.
“I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to tell you that we made it and give you our address. You got something to write with?”
“Yeah, let me grab it.” I can hear her rustling around. “Okay.”
I rattle off our address, and she repeats it back. “Thank you for your letter.”
“I’ve read yours a hundred times.” She laughs softly.
“I love you, Austyn. I don’t know when I’ll get to call again. We can e-mail for sure, but the connection is bad, and if we are out in the field, it might be a few days. Just know as soon as I get the opportunity, I’ll reach out, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I love you, too. Be safe. Take care of you.”
I smile. “I’m always with you. I gotta go.”
“Okay.” Her voice breaks. “Love you.”
“Love you.” After ending our call, I head back to my cot. The guys are all subdued. This is our first deployment. No matter how much we’ve trained, we’re still in the dark about what the reality of our next six months are going to look like.
In the silence of the room, Spiller shouts out, “Oorah!”
“Semper Fi, baby!” Jeffers shouts after him. Their outburst causes us all to laugh and breaks the tension, and the sadness we’re wallowing in. It’s time to man up and be the Marines we’re trained to be, so we can get the fuck out of here, and go home.
Letter #1
Hey, handsome,
I read online that I should number my letters both inside and on the envelope, that way when you finally get them, you can read them in order. Kind of like a book. So this is letter #1.
Last night was my first night to sleep without you and let me tell you, it sucked. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but I want you to know that I miss you. I missed your arms around me.
Savvy and I haven’t talked much since we got back to the apartment. She’s hurting. Savvy has never been as strong as she leads people to believe. We need to decide when we’re going back home. I’m going to try and convince her to go out to dinner tonight. The faster we lose ourselves in school, moving home, and anything else we can, the faster time will go and the sooner you’ll be home.
Take care of you.
Love,
Austyn
Letter #2
My knight,
Another lonely night without you. I miss you so much. Yesterday I convinced Savannah to go to dinner, and we talked about when we should go home. We decided to drive to the beach for a few days. We both have some money saved, and I think it’ll do us both some good. We talked about getting jobs but figured it would be shitty to work for four weeks and then quit. So after a few days at the beach, we’re going to pack up and head back to Kentucky. I’m taking your stuff with me. We didn’t even think about that when you left, but don’t worry, it’s safe with me. You can get it when you stop by to pick up your heart. << See what I did there?
Stay safe out there.
Love,
Austyn
Letter #3
Slade,
Not a lot to report today. Savvy and I are packing to go to the beach for a few days. I plan to kick back and read a good book or ten. LOL. You know, however many I can work in while we’re there.
I miss you.
All my love,
Austyn
Letter #4
Hey, you,
The beach is so nice. We’ve had perfect weather. I’m currently sitting beside Savannah soaking up some rays. I didn’t sleep great again last night, but that’s to be expected. One of these days, I’ll just crash from exhaustion. Savannah is sleeping next to me. She’s been sleeping even less than I have, and that’s saying something. I talked to Mom and Dad, and of course, Dawson this morning. They send their best. Daws said to tell you to kick butt.
Counting down the days.
Love,
Austyn
Letter #5
Slade,
The beach was relaxing, but I missed you. You don’t know how many times I wished you were there with me. Savannah finally broke down last night, and I’m glad. She needs to feel it, all the fear, the pain, all of it. She seems better today. She’s been talking more, and she even smiled today. We’re making progress. I’m glad she decided to come back to Kentucky while you guys are away. I never could have left her like she’s been these past few days.
This is our last night at the beach. There’s a concert at the pier that we’re going to check out.
Wish you were here.
Love,
Austyn
Letter #6
Dear sexy boyfriend,
I miss you. I miss the feel of your hands against my skin. I miss the taste of your lips. I miss the feel of you over me, pushing inside of me.
My heart misses you.
My body misses you.
My mind misses you.
I just miss you.
All of you.
I love you.
Austyn
Letter #7
Love of my life,
Yesterday was exhausting. We turned in the keys to the apartment and drove all day. Last night was the first night I’ve slept clear through without you. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you; it just means I’m staying busy, keeping myself occupied, so I don’t worry. Because I do, you know. I worry about you, about Brandon, about all of you.
I’m trying not to worry that I haven’t heard from you. I know you said it could take some time, but I still worry. I’m holding down the fort here at home. I’ve checked into my classes to make sure what will transfer so the transition when you get home and I move will be easier. Did I tell you I’m counting down the days? I miss you so much.
All my love,
Austyn
Letter #8
Mr. Reeves,
I’m beginning to wonder if I should be e-mailing you? I know you said the connection was spotty at best, and
there’s just something about letters that’s more personal. When I hear from you, you can tell me which you prefer. Until then, I’m going to keep writing these, and mailing them, hoping they arrive to you, wherever it is you are.
It’s been two weeks since I last talked to you. I pray all is well.
Stay safe, Mr. Reeves.
I love you,
Austyn
Letter #9
Slade,
I really didn’t know what to send, so here is a box full of items I think you might like. I can only imagine what the MREs are like. I added some beef jerky, some gum, and mints. There are baby wipes again. I don’t know if you need them, but it was on the list in an online forum I found. Pretzels and your favorite, ranch Fritos. When you get this and can reply, tell me what you need, what you would like to have, and I’ll send it. I’m new at this loving a marine thing.
Enjoy your snacks. I hope you’re safe.
I love you.
Austyn
THE LAST THREE WEEKS HAVE been hell, pure fucking hell. They can’t train you to deal with the desert, the heat, the dry. The constant hours of being awake. The sounds of bombs, and semi-automatic weapons firing at all hours of the day. They can’t train you for that shit. They can tell you about it. They can tell you what to expect, but none of it, not a single word of what they warn you compares to the real thing.
We’re finally back to base for what I hope is a few days of rest. I want to call Austyn, and sleep. Lots and lots of sleep, and a shower, what I wouldn’t give for a long hot shower.
I drop my gear on my cot and head toward the makeshift office. There’s a line of guys waiting, just like me. Funny, just a few short weeks ago, I was willing to wait, to have privacy to talk to her. Now I couldn’t give a fuck who hears me. I need to hear her voice.