by Pamela Ann
What the hell have I done?
Chapter 12
“A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you’re free from any pain, but your hands are empty.”
- Author Unknown
Bass
“Man! You look rough.” Taylor eyed me sadly. “Want to talk about it?” he asked as he opened his door for me to pass through.
Raking both of my hands over my hair, I expressed a melancholy sigh as I walked inside towards his kitchen, opened the fridge, and got myself a beer. I twisted the cap and annihilated the damn drink in one go. Releasing a gutted sound, I leveled my gaze to the patient friend across the counter. “Emma and I are done. Really, done. Unequivocally and irrevocably done.”
“Irrevocably? To the woman you love? I don’t think so, man. You just need to chill for a day or two and then talk to her again.”
“It’s not plausible. I can’t stand her secrets—Carter—he sent an engagement ring through Trista. Emma kept all this from me. She kept an engagement ring from an ex, who she freely admitted less than a month ago that she still had some love left for, not to mention that Carter was in London, too. I had to learn that crap from a gossip rag. Do you know how pathetic I feel?” I ranted out. I kept on going, disclosing everything from the second I met her to all the shenanigans that had happened to when Greece happened to the very last goodbye.
This usually wasn’t a norm for me—coming in here and acting like some pussy-whipped fool, so besotted that I was fighting every second not to cry as I rehashed what happened—but I had to talk to someone. I needed my best friend to understand where I was coming from. For someone to tell me that it was the right thing to do after Emma had betrayed me.
Taylor never said a word when I was getting all hyped up with anger as I retold the story. The minute I heard him use his stern, crystal-clear lawyer voice, though, I knew I wouldn’t like what he was about to tell me. “I understand where you’re coming from, man, but the real question here is; can you survive not being with her?”
I had a life before Emma came. Of course, I’d survive. I could get as much sex as I wanted, but the love… maybe it’ll happen again. The thought brought little warmth. “I have to. Hell, maybe I’ll fall in love again, who fucking knows?”
Taylor and those knowledgeable eyes didn’t look too pleased at me. “You can’t go back to the way you were before you met Emma, Bass. Think properly before you do something that you might regret later. What happens if you realize after a year that you want her back again?”
If that day ever came that I had to beg her back, it would be the day that I signed my fucking life away. It won’t get to that point. I wouldn’t allow it. “I won’t let it. I’ll fight it until I have no fight left in me. I just can’t be with her. She’s a lying, deceitful, conniving witch whom I wish I’d never met.”
Taylor was looking at me with concern when my phone rang in my pocket.
“Hello?”
“I heard you were back in town. Want to take me for some dancing with your hot ride later tonight?” Lydia drawled with huskiness that used to work on me all the time, but not tonight.
“Sure, give me an hour,” I gave a curt answer before cutting the call and sliding my cellphone back inside my jeans.
“Bass! Don’t you think you’re being irrational here? Give yourself a day or two before you even start going out with other women. I don’t want you to fuck this up, man. This shit’s too important.” Taylor folded his arms as he eyed me like I was losing my mind.
Good, because I’d already lost every other fucking thing earlier today.
“It’s already all fucked up. Don’t just sit there and judge my actions when you yourself ran back into Megan’s arms the minute you were rejected. Or have you forgotten that already?” I retaliated, but he seemed uncaring at my tempered state.
He slid out of his chair and got himself a beer from the fridge, handing me one before going back to his seat. “Do you honestly think a man will ever forget when they get rejected? Those things last with you, yet you’re not being rejected here. God knows what motive Emma had for keeping important things from you, but if she really didn’t care about you at all, she wouldn’t be sharing your bed, be there and love you still. Think about it, Bass. Her ex flew out to see her in London. A guy that would do crazy shit like that means he’s serious. If he’s that crazy, do you think he won’t even try to bed her? Steal her from you? Make her cheat so that you’d dump her and he gets the girl in the end?
“If you were in his shoes, wouldn’t you be doing the same thing? The point is, he did try and Emma didn’t have sex with him. You can’t throw your happiness away because you don’t get everything in one piece. Fuck, Trista was out of her mind crazy about a moron, but I went after her because I wanted a chance for something greater than what I had with any other woman. Emma is yours, so why fuck this up because the ride is getting bumpy? You’re hurting; fuck, that’s understandable, but if you choose to walk away because your heart can’t take the thought of her having a little love for her ex, then good luck. Make sure that this is what you want because, once this becomes final, there won’t be any going back, man.”
His words echoed in my head. Taylor had good points, but I wasn’t in the right condition to consider any of them. I just wanted to make the pain go away. Going back and working things out gave another opportunity for more heartache. Then what? I was going to fester away until there wasn’t anything left of me? No. I worked too hard to get somewhere in my career. It was the only constant thing that mattered to me. The only thing I had left. I wasn’t going to let my personal crap affect any of that hard work. When everything else failed, I always had acting. “I’ll be okay,” I finally spoke after a long pause.
“So, is that what you want then? You’re really going to let Emma go?”
I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. “Yeah, I have to set her free. Trust me, she will run straight back to him. Maybe I’ll find someone else out there that won’t give me this much heartache. Someone I could love, who isn’t in love with another guy. I admire that you could be with Trista, knowing she was in love with someone else. That truly takes a lot of balls to try and make it with her, but I’m not you. I don’t share. Why should I expect any less from the woman who I’m giving my everything to?”
Taylor nodded his head, knowing I really had made up my mind. “I’m really sorry, man. I guess I got too involved because I’d never seen you so happy with a woman. I thought she was perfect for you.”
“Me, too.” I thought her so perfect that I bypassed all the emotional flaws, thinking that I could make up for it. That’s what I got for dreaming the great illusion.
Who would have thought that my life was going to be turned upside down when I woke this morning, wrapped in Emma’s arms? Waking up with so much happiness that I had planned to bring her breakfast in bed.
After a quick shower and going to change, I noticed that her things were still packed in the luggage. So one-by-one, I fixed her things and placed them in the ‘hers’ section of the walk-in closet. After clearing all three of her luggage bags, I realized that there was a white, folded, paper bag tucked in one of the compartments. I didn’t really think much of it. I thought it was some of the items she had purchased while travelling for her or for her parents. I decided to place it next to her purse, while I got another paper bag that wasn’t so crumpled.
The moment I opened that damned thing, I literally stopped breathing while staring at the picture of them together in some Pirate costume. One thing stood out among the rest, a letter. From the dents and worn look of the cream paper it was obvious that it had been read quite a few times to achieve that kind of condition. Whatever was in it, Emma clearly was affected by it.
When my shaky hand reached for it, I hadn’t expected that it was going to explode in my face. I barely finished reading it because I couldn’t handle an
other damn word written by that obnoxious prick. I was reeling for God knows how long, trying to analyze everything. She promised that she didn’t have any more secrets, the words kept repeating around in my head. Right there in my closet, I felt my life dwindling away. It was a given that I was furious, but at the same time, I felt weakened by the betrayal of Emma to the point that the feeling simply reminded me of how my parents had disappointed me all throughout my life. Each time I sought for love, it always rejected me, as if I was unworthy of it. I thought falling in love didn’t happen to me because my childhood had affected me mentally and emotionally—that it was hard to connect to another woman on that level—however, when Emma came along, I was proven wrong.
When I fell, I was ecstatic that it was finally happening for me. I wanted to love and be loved in return. Yet, it mocked me, making me feel unworthy.
My relationship with Emma was done, but that didn’t imply that I had given up entirely when it came to committing myself to another woman.
Maybe it was all trial and error.
Just like everything else in life.
Chapter 13
“Don’t ever give up if you still want to try, don’t ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don’t ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don’t ever say you don’t love him if you can’t let him go.”
- Author Unknown
Emma
The next day, I knew I had to come out of my room before they broke the door to get in here. The ride from his house to mine breezed through my mind as if I were in a dream. Since it was only morning, the girls were still asleep and I was more than relieved that no one was awake to ask me questions.
However, after I brushed my teeth, I was surprised to find Trista sitting on my bed with a look full of sympathy. “I just found out. I’m so sorry, Em.” Trista stood up and hugged me.
Her warmth and sincerity made me start crying again. The cries of someone who had lost something significant, as if someone had died. The deep wretched sound wouldn’t stop. It didn’t help that she was soothing me even though I was soaking her shirt with my tears.
“He loves you, Em. He’ll come back,” she softly whispered above my head, sounding as if she was trying to make sense of things.
“He’s gone, Tris. He left me.” A new racking sob bubbled out of me. “Gone,” I repeated through my cries.
“Emma! You better face me instead of hiding like a scared little—” I heard Lindsey enter my room, but I guess she paused the moment she saw how we were. “What the fuck happened to her?”
Trista provided the answer. “Bass. He broke up with her.”
“Don’t tell me. It’s because she slept with Dimitris in Paris, isn’t it?” Lindsey screeched. “Isn’t it?” She kept going on like a demented woman.
I hid away in Trista’s shoulder, though; not having the energy to even explain the truth to Lindsey. She made her own mess and I’m too caught up with my own cluster-fuck to care about hers.
“Emma slept with Dimitris?” Amber joined in, frazzled.
“She fucking did. That’s why Bass left her,” Lindsey scathingly said.
Even though I knew she acted this way because she didn’t know the truth, her biting words still affected me. They hurt.
“Lindsey! You better shut the fuck up before I slap you right now. Amber, get her out of here.” Trista sounded like she was about to pounce into a catfight with Lindsey.
Lindsey was on a roll. She truly was pissed at me. “Fuck you! Why would you side with her?”
I haven’t seen this side of her. Well, technically, I was hearing her, but still, she was scary.
“Listen to yourself, Lindsey. You’re acting like a mental person. It wasn’t Dimitris that broke them up. It was your own brother. Bass found out about London and then the letter Carter wrote to her containing something… significant.” Trista paused before she said significant. Knowing that the subject would be a sore one, especially with how Lindsey was acting.
“Oh.” One word was all Lindsey could manage.
“Will you please leave now? You’re causing more crap,” Trista snapped at her.
I could hear Amber tell Lindsey to calm down before she faced me, but I guess she wasn’t moving because Amber started to get frustrated.
“I’m really sorry, Emma, for being a raging bitch and for your losing Bass.” She sounded choked up, like she knew how big she fucked this conversation up.
Lindsey and Amber left then. It took another few minutes until Trista decided to speak.
“I could go and talk to him. Maybe hearing it from me, he might see things in a different light,” she suggested, meaning the words.
“He won’t. I just know he won’t.” I sniffed, pulling off her drenched shoulder as I wiped my tears away. “I’ve gone through break-ups before; I will be okay in a few months.”
Trista rubbed my shoulders before speaking. “I think we both know that this time it’s really going to be a little longer than that. He was that kind of man that a woman never forgets. I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
I hated that she was right. Thinking about the coming months without him was unfathomable. How the hell do I manage to keep breathing when the acrid smell of a withered dream I once held was still so potent?
E
Three days later, life was still dreary after Bass, but I had school so I had to get out of my slump.
It’d been four days and I could barely part with my phone. It was practically glued in my hand as I waited for his call. There was still a small part of me that believed he would come back, like what happened in Aspasia. He came back. I had to believe in that.
I had to believe that ours was the kind of relationship that could go through so much and still come out stronger on the other end.
I had just gotten out of my first class and headed straight to the coffee shop to get some caffeine boost. My tiny hope died when I saw the first article in a paper that sat unattended on one of the tables. It was about him partying it up in Hollywood.
The only thing that I could think to do then was to run back home and bawl some more. I was so distraught that I didn’t even realize that I had passed my house and had to backtrack five houses down; I then proceeded to lock myself in my bedroom.
He was out with Lydia and some other girls, drunk and obviously single. Tears didn’t even gather in my eyes, they just fell, running with great supply, as I blurrily crawled towards the bathroom and retched everything out of my stomach the second I reached the toilet bowl. By the third heave, my stomach was pretty much empty, but the heaving wouldn’t stop, so I sat on the marbled floor, crying as I waited for my stomach to settle down. “Bass…” I sobbed out with wracking, obliterating pain that possessed my entire being.
Two hours later, I was still stuck next to the toilet.
E
The next day, I found Lindsey waiting for me in the kitchen with a peace offering. She knew my weakness for pastries and anything sweet and it seemed that she bought the entire shop because the counter was packed with a lot of treats.
Without saying anything, she handed me a venti Starbucks coffee with ‘I’m sorry for being a total biatch. Forgive me?’ written on it.
“You really were a total bitch, but there’s nothing to forgive. You were driven by your feelings, not common sense. However, the next time you do that, I’m really going to kick your ass.” Smiling, I reached out and gave her a yoursuchacrazybitchbutiloveyouanyway hug.
“Thank you. The guilt’s been eating me alive.” She wiped the moisture from the sides of her eyes before giving me a torn look. “I’m sorry about you and Bass. I could give him a call and give him a piece of my mind, if you want?”
Lindsey, I’ve missed you, I thought as she gave me another hug. “That will definitely make him run the other way.” I laughed, knowing how Bass would react if it did happen.
“Let’s dig in and fatten ourselves up. I’m starving.” Lindsey handed me a plate as I drank the cof
fee.
Studying the cup again, I smiled. I was going to keep it, just to remind her that she should trust that her friends wouldn’t backstab her like that.
E
Amber, Lindsey and Trista all ganged up on me to come out of my room that very same night.
It was already past ten at night when we got to Carter’s party. I really knew I was back into living my own life when I got inside and found Cece dancing with her tits out in front of some random man in the living room.
“Unbelievable, bitch. She comes to my brother’s party, knowing how much I hate her and also knowing that she took part in breaking you and Carter up. Now that’s what you call a heartless bitch,” Lindsey muttered under her breath as she disgustingly glanced at Cece and strode towards the bar, away from the campus skank.
As always, the four of us parted and did our own thing for a bit, then caught up an hour later.
Alcohol didn’t appeal much to me, so instead of getting a drink, I strode out towards the back that led to the beach. Taking my shoes off, I strode towards the shore, feeling the cool sand underneath my soles as I went along, stopping at the spot where the sand met the water.
The moon was out tonight, but it didn’t give me that awestruck feeling like it did back in Aspasia. It didn’t feel magical, just the plain, old moon, hanging in the darkened sky, playing as the backdrop for the ocean.
Bass, where are you? Come back to me before you get lost. Please, come back, I silently pleaded, hoping whoever had the power to hear my wishes, would grant me what I wanted the most.
“Emma?” a voice came from behind me.
I said I wanted Bass back, not Carter! I wanted to scream, but found myself spinning around to face the culprit who caused so much heartache for me, making me lose the only man who loved me with no reservations.
“Carter,” I greeted him with a chilly tone. I saw him flinch at the way I shot him down.