by Pamela Ann
Bass was now livid.
And so was I.
An animalistic sound came from me as he gripped me tighter before he unexpectedly crushed his lips against my own. His sudden action confused me for a second; a part of me wanted to pull away, just to make a point, but a big part of me was rejoicing that he was kissing me again.
After weeks of withdrawal, I was injected with my euphoric drug. Hell, it felt beautiful, sweet and agonizingly sad. This kiss felt like it was our last meal. Like we knew we were going on a long-winded journey without each other. I wanted to ingrain it in my memory. Imprint each beautiful touch in my heart. I was never going to love another man the way I loved Bass. This man was my greatest love of all. I may be young, but I knew it was true. Each cell, each fiber, each drop in me told me the truth.
He was it. He was the one.
I was too consumed with my thoughts and holding onto his hard body against mine before I felt a sudden shift in him. He was the first one to break our kiss, placing his forehead against mine, lips parted, breathing heavily. “You fucking drive me crazy, Emma. I hate it! I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling uncontrollable. I hate everything about it. I hate it all.”
Meaning, I hate you. Simple.
After going through this fog of heartbreak, I never stopped to think once that he would hate me. I never saw that coming. It hurts, dammit. I was disgusted at my attempts of getting him back. I’d turned into a woman I barely knew anymore. My actions were sad, desperate, and downright pathetic.
Bass was now looking at me, our noses almost touching. “Thank you for letting me love you. Even if it was only for a short time, I will never forget it.”
This was it. This was our last goodbye.
Forever, I knew I was going to bleed forever, but I was going to accept it. Learn to live with it as if it were my normal.
I sadly gazed at him, unashamed as my tears fell to the floor. I gave him one last hug. I held onto him, telling him everything that I couldn’t form into words; how sorry I was, that I was never going to forget him, that he was special, he was my heart. That my life was never going to be the same, but at the same time, I hugged him for giving me a piece of paradise—even if it was for a short time—it was going to be a cherished memory I was going to keep until I was old, unbeknownst to my husband, my grandkids, and my children. My memories of him were mine and I meant to keep them somewhere unreachable, burying it somewhere safe, along with my heart.
I lovingly cupped his cheek, gazing at him through my tears, before I tasted his lips for the last time. “I love you. Remember me once in awhile.”
With one last breath, I walked out of there.
It was time to move on… whatever that meant anymore.
Chapter 15
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Emma
On my way back home, I had to stop on the side of the freeway because I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was probably there for over half an hour, silently weeping my wasted love away.
The next day, I pretended I had the worst hangover on record and hid out in my room, crying over pictures of Bass and me together.
Sleep was hard to come by and, if I did manage to get some shuteye, the maximum I got was for a few hours; then the crying resumed. It was difficult to stop, even though I was exhausted from crying.
Drained and plainly weakened with everything, but there wasn’t much I could do. No matter how I tried to amp myself up and pretend to be happy, I ended up feeling worse.
School was no different.
When Monday rolled in, I had a hard time concentrating on any of my classes. I was spacing in and out of it, reminiscing my time in Greece. After my second class, I decided that maybe it was time I took some time off. Maybe for just a semester, I could just hide for a little bit longer.
My advisor understood my situation. I supposed these things really did happen quite a lot around college students. So, after signing paperwork, stating that I was dropping my entire semester’s classes, an hour later, I was officially a dropout—somewhat.
Maybe other people might call it a dumb move, but what was the point in attending all these classes when I could barely wrap my head around anything? Concentrating while studying anatomy and chemistry really wasn’t working for me.
My parents made me promise that, no matter what I decide in the future, I will still get a degree, one way or the other and I planned to keep it that way. This was simply a mild hiatus, diverting ones attention to something much more filling—the soul enrichment kind. It wasn’t that I needed help, but more like guidance—a purpose in life again—because I seriously felt lifeless inside; waking up without direction or expectation.
I needed those, badly, too. I didn’t want to be one of those living and breathing bitter, cold-hearted bitches. Judging people wasn’t really my forte, but it happened once in a while. One of my main vices was observing people and, from what I had gathered thus far, people who got their hearts broken—insert Lindsey as an example—had a hard time letting go of that memory where they got hurt. No, I take that back since hurt was too mild to describe what these people went through. Eviscerated, pillaged, that would be along the lines that would suffice the experience. As much as I loved my friend, I didn’t want to be that way.
I couldn’t count how many men she had hurt because of what happened to her in the past. If it were possible to achieve a decent place where I hold a teeny grudge and still be somewhat friendly, then I would try to get to that point.
Each day, the deep, barbed pull to go further into my depression was tempting. Too tempting in fact, that I was getting scared because ninety percent of the time, I almost made it happen.
I had to find a way. A way to find a small light in the gnawing black hole that was crying my name every second, inviting me to enter its chambers and keep it company. It was devious since I felt comforted by its warmth and acceptance, but I knew once I stepped foot through its door, the way back out was not a guarantee. I didn’t want to get lost and be forever in the dark.
What made me want to stay sane was the thought of my loving parents. I couldn’t, for the life of me, give up and throw my life away. They had supported me through everything I had ever done. The only way I could repay their love was not to disappoint and embarrass them. They were amazing and, for that, I was forever thankful.
Entering the house, I was greeted by a sunny Trista. To this day, I still get surprised when she acted this way. I suppose that I got used to seeing the crying and the everlasting pained woman I once knew. Heck, if Trista could do it, I could do it as well.
“Hi, Tris,” I greeted her as I placed my things on the kitchen counter and poured myself lemonade.
“You’re home early. What’s the deal, yo?”
I downed my drink before I faced her, sitting on a stool and writing what seemed to be an essay of sorts. “I’m taking the semester off. School’s just… you know, not what I need right now.”
Trista paused, looked up and shut the lid of her computer. “Go on. I’m waiting for you to continue.” She was looking at me expectantly.
“Continue what?” I asked, confused as to what she meant.
“You said school was not what you needed right now. I’m waiting for you to tell me what you think you need.”
Oh, that. Heck, do I know? “I haven’t got a clue yet.”
“What do you feel like you need?”
Bass.
Of course, I didn’t voice that one out loud. Instead, I tried to explain what I was going through. “I’m going through a shitty period. I know that there’s really no cure for this type of pain, but I just want something that would make me feel… less… like death? Does that make any sense?”
She studied me as if understanding where I was coming from, but I was surprised what came out of that feisty mouth of hers. “Get your purse. We’re going for a drive
.”
“I just got here. I want to go in my room and rest.”
“Fuck off, Em. Get your purse and let’s get out of here!”
“Goodness, calm the hell down.” I glared at her, surprised at her militant attitude. “What the heck, Trista!” Complaining, but gathering my purse as she waited on me, foot tapping before she barked another order to follow her out.
Why was she acting like a bipolar bitch? I fumed while Trista started her car and joined the traffic on Main Street. I was glancing out the window, wondering what Trista’s problem was when she broke through my concentration.
“You should know, more than anyone, the crap I went through. If there was another person that could understand you right now, that would be me. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch about you coming with me earlier, but you needed to snap the fuck out of it, Emma. Focus on something. If not school, then acting, work, dating—something. I can’t stand seeing you every day with red-rimmed and bloodshot eyes. If you can’t do something about it, then let me try to help.”
Damn, she really did change. This was a different Trista and I was just so damn proud that she had finally emerged out of that horrid experience as a new, enlightened woman. “I know you meant well, Tris. Thank you for trying, even though I’ve been so distant with everybody lately.”
She gave me a sweet smile before she took my hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. “Make an effort, Em. Be progressive; fighting this is progressive. That’s what counts at the end of the day.”
“Which book or movie did you get that line from?” I wondered out loud.
“It was actually Taylor who told me that when I was down and out. Now, I’m giving you that piece of advice. Just hang in there. It’ll get better.”
That made me smile. Of course, Taylor was there for her. He became her rock during that tough time. Trista was lucky and she knew that, too.
When my phone started ringing and I saw it was Barbara, I went to cut off the sound system and took the call. “Hello, Barbara.”
“Hi, Emma. Do you have an available day early next week? There’s a new project I want to speak to you about.”
“Great! Well, I’m free Monday for lunch or dinner, you pick.”
“Does a Monday lunch date at Katsuya in Hollywood sound okay? Say, twelve-thirty?”
“Sounds fantastic. See you then.”
“Thank you, Emma. Goodbye.” Barbara hung up before I had the opportunity to respond to her.
Well, it didn’t matter. At least, well I hoped, my career was going to be okay even though my love life was in the gutter.
“See! You’ll be okay, Emma,” Trista gleefully exclaimed after I told her what Barbara’s call was about.
“Yeah, let’s hope so,” I muttered, praying that my friend was right.
Five minutes later, I was confused when Trista parked at the hospital. When she started to unbuckle her seatbelt, I just silently stared at her, confused as to what the fuck we were doing at a hospital for crying out loud. When she offered help, I thought it was along the lines of a therapist or something, not a fucking hospital. What did she expect me to do? Get my brain examined?
“What?” She looked at me like I was stupid, not getting her drift. “Aren’t you going to move your chunky ass out of the damn car? We’re here.”
“I wasn’t aware that either of us had a doctor’s appointment.”
“Stop asking questions and just follow my lead, cool?”
Not really. “Whatever, Tris,” I said, shaking my head as if she’d lost hers already.
Quietly, we strode towards the entrance of the hospital. I was surprised that she didn’t look for directions, but went straight to the bank of elevators as if she’d done it frequently. When the elevator dinged at our stop, I was caught off guard when she led us to the maternity ward.
Okay, this was getting weirder by the second.
“Tris…” I trailed off after her, but whatever was supposed to come out of my mouth disappeared from thought after I saw her stop and stare through a window. When I finally reached her, she didn’t acknowledge my presence, but kept on staring at the rows of newborn babies. She had this facial expression of pain and, at the same time, awe. It was hard to explain, but it was the best I could do.
I felt for her. I could only imagine the crap she went through, but never fully understood the entire capacity of how hard it truly was because a woman wouldn’t and couldn’t comprehend the situation unless one had gone through the same ordeal.
“I started coming here after Greece. It was right after I met this kind priest while I was out jogging in the morning, staring at the sunrise, crying, but I didn’t realize I was until he handed me a handkerchief.” She paused, still not breaking contact with the newborns. “I was that empty inside that crying became second nature to me, but I think, that morning I was crying for everything I had lost—Tristan, the baby, my wasted love on Harry and Taylor.
“I barely exchanged words with him that morning, but after he left, I felt like something had lifted off me, like as if his words helped me come to terms with my past.” Trista started to move again towards the elevator and took us to another floor. “The next day, I found myself in this very spot. It was my way of healing, I guess.” She glanced at me, dewy-eyed, but with a real smile on her face. “The past can’t be unchanged. Your life might seem useless to you right now, but others are fighting to keep theirs. So, I thought, why not help each other and try to keep both?”
That was when I understood what she was talking about. The Children’s Cancer Ward. “Come on, I believe they are in need of volunteers to read and spend time with the kids.”
An hour and half later, I felt lighthearted. I left the hospital with a smile on my face.
Forward, I was finally in the present.
Chapter 16
A week later…
“There are some things you’ll never get over, but if you use all of your strength, there’s nothing that you can’t get through.”
- Sonya Parker
Emma
“Excuse me?” I looked at my agent, Barbara, to repeat what she just told me.
“I pulled some strings and got you a spread for GQ Magazine. The shoot will be on Monday at ten in the morning at a house in Pacific Palisades. Will that do?” she said as she took a bite of her seared, spicy Tuna.
Hell, that’s a major mag. My brain was suffused with all kinds of thoughts, trying to digest the news. “I’m guessing it’s going to be a risqué shoot then?”
Barbara paused and eyed me for a second, possibly thinking how stupid I was because I should know what the magazine was known for—hot women and hotter than hot poses. “Sweetie, it’s GQ. It makes sense when you’re going to be debuting yourself in such a provocative movie. Besides, people are curious to get to know you. There’ll be an article along with it, so it’s a fantastic opportunity.”
I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to pose for them, but if Barbara thought it was a great idea, then I would pursue this opportunity. “Yeah, you’re right. Monday sounds perfect.”
“Excellent!” Barbara exclaimed, smiling as she took hold of her phone and started an email.
I had a week to figure out how to do sultry looks without looking like a hardcore wannabe.
E
“How do you think that went?” I eyed Carter since he looked weird, a pained expression on his face. The snacks that the staff gave him left untouched.
The man barely glanced at me before whispering, “Good.”
“Good? That’s it? No, ‘you could work on your hair flipping or sultry looks’?”
He pulled me close to him and whispered against my ear, “I’m hard, Emma. That’s why I’m sitting down. That should tell you how it went.”
Bingo. I forgot how Carter loved lingerie—on and off me—and how he would make me do a little striptease while he watched. How in the world had I forgotten about that? Bass on the other hand, liked to rip my clothes off. Bass just loved to consume m
e without warning.
“Oh. Ouch.” I pouted at my blue-balled ex. “You did persist to come here, so that’s what you get. Why don’t you go to the bathroom to, um… take care of it?”
“Are you offering to help out?” Those dark eyes were playful, but I knew he’d hoist me over his shoulder if I told him that he could.
“Pft! Dude, work on your lines, maybe I might just consider it the next time you ask,” I said sweetly, shutting him down with a smile.
He groaned like a baby. “You’re not helping.”
Giving him an eye roll, I waved him a goodbye. “Not my problem, Mason. Now, I’m off to change again. A couple more, then it’ll be over.”
Almost an hour later, I came out of the room, pulling the sides of the tiny squares of my black mesh bra, unsure about this last piece of outfit. “I can clearly see my nipples.”
Tanya, the stylist, simply brushed me off with an amused smile. “You’ll be posing without exposing them. A hand or a strand of your hair will cover it, unless, you request it, but I think you’re contract stated that those aren’t allowed, so we have to keep it sexy with a borderline of tame, but pushing that limit.”
Cool. That was nice of Barbara to look out for me. “Thanks, Tanya,” I said as I gave my chests another quick glance.
“When you’re ready, we’ll need you in the living room, Emma,” someone said somewhere before leaving in haste.
“Okay, thank you,” I called out, breathing a few times before I strutted out in my six-inch gladiator heels and black, mesh, Brazilian-cut underwear with matching mesh bralette-top.
“Holy FUCK! God is punishing me big time.” Carter swallowed, cursing as he took his phone out, browsing.
Based on his stone, odd-like expression, I was a little unsure about this number. Should I request to change it? She said there were a couple more to try if this wasn’t working for me, but I had asked what the photographer would like and Tanya chose this one. “What do you think? Hot or sluttish?”