by Pamela Ann
High with adrenaline, I gunned my car the second I got into it, routing towards our home, and if she wasn’t there, I was heading straight to Ventura County to find her.
The second my car entered the gated driveway and I saw her parked SUV, I sighed with relief, however it didn’t last long. Dread settled in, ebbing that relief away the moment I spotted her luggage on the side of the car with boxes of her personal effects situated next to it.
My eyes darted to the front door hanging ajar as I got out of the car, drastically out of breath while I ran inside and started looking for Emma. From the look of things, it seemed like she was in a rush, getting her things out of the house before she placed them inside her car, as if she was in a hurry to leave, or hoping that she wouldn’t run into me. She knew me so well. Deep down, she’d known that I was going to come back and come after her.
Fear consumed me. Dread settled inside my heart. Helplessness started to emanate slowly. With every step I took, all of these emotions got worse. Emma, Emma, Emma. She knew that I was going to come rushing back to LA, but her immediate reaction—moving her belongings out of our house—implied and reinstated most of my fears.
I was already here, and I hoped to God I had enough strength to persuade her to stay, enough love to shower her with as I hoped to ease her pained heart.
My eyes scanned the vast, open area from the kitchen, living room and whatever else my eyes gathered, hoping to find her somewhere. When I heard a loud thud that came from upstairs, I immediately took the steps two at a time, needing to stop this train wreck of madness immediately.
My heavy breathing stopped midway running up the stairs when Emma came out of nowhere about to descend, hauling much of her things in both hands and now wearing a shocked expression that I was here.
My throat bobbed upwards then downwards, making my heart stop beating for a few seconds before it recharged and started galloping at a speedy rate as we stared at each other, not knowing what to say.
“Emma,” I finally murmured, pained. “Talk to me. I can still fix this,” I begged with my voice, my eyes, my heart. “Please.”
We had an eye battle for a minute. Two. Maybe even three. I wasn’t sure.
Slight relief reverberated through me when I saw her contemplating, looking away for a second so she could regain some composure.
Emma nodded before using the hand full of her stuff to wipe her eyes. “Let me put these away.” She slowly walked passed me, barely glancing in my direction as she went down the stairs. I watched in agony as she went outside and placed her things next to her car.
With heavy footing, I detached my foot, one after the other from where I was frozen and slowly moved towards the foyer area, situating myself next to the cool waterfall. Leaning against the chilled marble wall, I closed my eyes and tuned my psyche to calm myself down as I listened to the soft cascading water. It used to calm me, but today, nothing seemed to work.
How many times did our relationship have to restart and be restored? Each time we tried, something always attempted to threaten it. Each time I convinced myself that every trial made us a stronger couple. However, looking at Emma now, I was more persuaded that the effect was the polar opposite. Those trials did in fact shake our foundation. They had weakened it.
When the sound of Emma’s shoes started to get louder, indicating that she was on her way back into the house, I let out a long breath, hoping that she would let me speak; that I would get a chance to explain before she started jumping to colorful conclusions.
“Bass,” she spoke, making me flutter my lids open.
The woman before me was still the same woman I fell for and loved with my everything, but she also held something hard in those blue depths that were zeroing in on me, like she didn’t hold any compassion or understanding.
This newly noted emotion caused more uneasiness and agitation in me. “I apologize for the hundredth time for causing you pain. You must understand this didn’t come from me. That video was in Dallas, Em. I swear I don’t even remember it.” Which was true because I had been plastered as hell and all I could think of was her, Emma, and how much I missed her back then.
Her eyes darkened, slicing me in two. “Yeah, cause you were probably drunk off your ass! I’ve had enough of this shit, Bass.” She pressed her lips, looking away. “It’s enough…” she continued whispering. “I can’t handle anymore of this. I don’t have it in me. I just can’t.”
I moved a few steps closer, an arm’s reach away. “Don’t. Please, don’t,” I choked up, feeling hot all over from the fear of losing her. This time, I knew it would be for good. “I don’t know how to live without you. You’re my life… Why would you be so cruel to take that away?” Tears pooled in my eyes. I was begging for another chance. Some might think I didn’t deserve one, but all I had ever done was love this woman. From day one, it was what I’d done, and yet, loving her wasn’t enough, apparently.
Hard eyes stared back at me before she snorted. “Haven’t you hurt me enough? What more do you want from me?” she screeched, teary and hysterical, looking like she was about to hit me. “You ruined me inside, Bass. All you do is hurt me. I’m tired of being in this pain. The happiness I get from being with you for the short time when we’re together is not worth it anymore.” She paused, pleading. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stay with you.”
Had she really gone through and started hitting me with her fists, I’d rather take physical pain than this crippling emotional one. Anything but this; I’d take any punishment. “What do I do now, Em?” I didn’t even dare wipe my tears away; I was too weak to do that. “My world is centered around you. I’m in love with you. I want to marry you and for us to grow old together. I wake up only thinking of you. You’re the last thing I think about before going to bed, but you know all that, don’t you? No matter how much I beg now, you won’t change your mind.” My world was falling apart. Right here. In our home.
Emma started shaking her head, rejecting whatever I was telling her. The second she lifted her left hand and started to pull my engagement ring away, I dropped to my knees before I started walking towards her using my kneecaps to get to her. I was weakened, my heart was in shreds, and my throat felt constricted, but I pushed through, reaching her side.
“Emma,” I murmured, silently weeping as I dropped my head onto her thighs, begging for another chance. “This is going to kill me, Em.” I wrapped my arms around her legs, not wanting her to move away from me, forever. “I can’t survive without you.”
“Bass, get up.” Her arms tried to lift me off, yet I was stubborn.
I stayed put, praying in vain that she would pay heed to my desperation. “Not until you take me back,” I persisted.
She sniffed. “Please, let’s not do this,” she whispered so softly, however the hard drive behind her voice was evident.
Emma was unshaken, unabashed to the fact that I was on my knees as I held on to her with my life, hoping that she wouldn’t throw me away, but it seemed that she had already made up her mind about me. How could she? I didn’t understand how someone could so easily throw away the future we once enthusiastically discussed from dusk ‘til dawn. It was staggering.
Let’s not do what? How could she take this so lightly? “You’re asking for the impossible.”
When she snorted in disbelief and started to laugh like this was a whole fucking joke, it made me look up and watch the absurdity of her laughter.
“Do you remember when I came here, drunk off my ass at three in the morning, hoping you’d take me back and you told me to fuck off?” She looked around, as if replaying the scene before her very eyes. “It feels like that now, but the situation’s reversed.” She paused before looking down on me, undaunted. “This is me telling you to fuck off, Bass.”
Things had been different then or were they? We were engaged this time around, and yet, she had the audacity to throw that back at me. Emma’s murderous glares, her determined chin and her sharp attacks clearly told me that whatever hope
I wished to attain had never been there to begin with. She came out here with no intention of fixing things with me. Getting us back on great footing was hoping for the impossible. She’d made the decision of breaking things of with me in a matter of hours. She hadn’t even paused, thought or breathed for a second to settle in and speak to me about it like it was supposed to be. Instead, she was taking this bitter, sadistic route of stepping all over what we had while, at the same time, squashing me into smithereens.
She was out for blood. This was her revenge.
If being apart from me was going to make her happy, then who was I to stop her? Always, each and every single time, I had always wanted her to be happy. Each time I’d let her go, it was always for her—even that last incident she’d just thrown in my face—it was me letting her go because I knew her heart was torn between Carter and I. So I’d simply made it easier for her.
I walked away, hoping that she would come to me months later, telling me that she was no longer in love with him; that yes, it was just the two of us and no room for another person to be the big elephant in the room. That never happened, though, because she went straight into Carter’s arms. For six long months, I held off getting into any sexual relations because I wanted her to come back. For once, I wanted her to choose me without hesitation or doubt.
“Let. Me. Go.”
Each word pierced my soul. Dropping my head down, I told myself that it was over. That no matter what I said from this point on, it didn’t matter anymore. Words meant nothing to Emma, and neither did I.
My arms let go of her limbs as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. It was a bitter fact to process, but it didn’t make it any less real. Nothing could ever change that.
Slowly getting up, I sniffed, but didn’t dry my eyes. What was the point? I was sure I was going to bawl harder when she left anyway. When our eyes finally met, Emma handed me the engagement ring that had taken me a long time to design because I’d wanted it to be beautiful; to be perfect, like how I saw her.
“Please, don’t insult me by giving that back. Keep it. I had that made for you—”
“No. I don’t want it… I don’t want anything that will remind me of you. Well, except for Gus. I want to keep him.”
She could have whatever she wanted. “If that’s what you want.” When my hand enclosed over the bauble, I felt my entire body slowly shut down. “I’m sorry for all the pain. I hope someone better will come along. Someone who will love you the way you should be loved because I fucked up on that one.”
Emma gave me a long look. “You did.”
For a second, the old Emma resurfaced; giving me a glimpse of the past before she completely reverted back to her full-on hatred of me. “Goodbye, Bass.”
“Goodbye,” I choked up, meeting her gaze, not caring that new tears were forming and freely falling off my face as I watched her walk away. She didn’t even give me a second glance before she closed the doors on me, though. The second I heard the click of the closed doors, I flinched in wretched pain. “Goodbye, moro mou.” I’ll always love you.
I was once again a crippled man. I felt like life was slowly sucking me out to a dark and scalding hot place as it suffocated me, diminishing any light or any glimmer of happiness that I’d once experienced with raw, unbridled excitement. Only one person could unman me. She was the only one who could put me back into that cold, barren dungeon.
My fingernails dug into the skin inside my palms before I bit my knuckles, hoping I’d bleed some more because I’d rather take the physical pain than this excruciating one; an open wound that will never heal.
“Emma!” I screamed into the empty house before crumbling against the wall. “Come back…” Tears fell as I whispered, knowing that deep down she was never going to look back. She was through with me. Her voice had held a finality that I had never heard her use before.
Wherever you are. Wherever you may be. You’re always going to be in my heart, ingrained there forever.
Our memories—her sweet laugh, that distinct intoxicating scent, the touch of her skin and the way she gazed at me, so full of yearning and love—I would always remember.
Chapter 19
Emma
It had been three days and I had been rotting in my bedroom. Apart from needing to walk Gus and feed him, I hadn’t really gone out to mingle around humanity.
Seeing Bass fall apart that way had traumatized me. Each night, that scene haunted my dreams, but no matter what, the only way I could keep my sanity was to cut him out of my life. Bass brought too many bad memories and heartache; it was messing with my life. It was changing me into an erratic woman; a woman I could barely recognize because I was in a state of constant paranoia.
It wasn’t a way to live. If I kept on going, I was going to lose my shit and wreak more havoc along the way. So I had been left with little choice. I had to cut the ties and let us both free. Maybe someday we could find another being to love the way we loved each other.
I loved Bass… Even now, my heart throbbed, hurting and aching because I knew—I could feel his pain—inside me, my heart bled for our lost future.
It couldn’t be helped, though. Somehow, he must have known this was going to happen. Somewhere along the way, I had begun dwindling away into a shell of a woman, always acting erratic and jealous whenever he was involved.
I was a jealous one, yes, but I wasn’t breathing in that orbit all day long. The moment I turned into a raging one, I knew something had to change. I think it was in between my hurling in the toilet when that epiphany had happened.
Heartache and losing Bass, though it hurt like no other, I managed to survive it. I could do it all over again if I had to. This—the crazy Emma persona—I couldn’t do. It was either I saved me or I saved our relationship. I loved myself enough to choose me.
It was selfish, yeah, but I had learned it the hard way. In fact, it was Bass who had showed and taught me that. After he broke my heart—after he told me to fuck off that night I came to see him inebriated—I had to learn how to live all over again. I crawled my way back up and start breathing again, even though I had wanted nothing more than to just curl up and die because life was dead without him in it.
Lindsey had to leave to see Dimitris a couple of days ago, so that saved me a great deal of peace without having to explain to her that, yes, I was fucking broken. Trista and Amber left for Hawaii that very same day. Those three wouldn’t have up and left me had they known the truth. Basically, I just told them that we were taking a few days off from talking to calm ourselves before we resumed talking again.
They were white lies, of course.
Deep inside, I did hope that Bass and I could possibly become friends or even something close to that. He was a great man, a great friend, and losing him felt like I had lost a limb—a major artery—knowing that I would never be the same, that I was going to bleed out without him. I’d rather risk that and try to patch myself together because, either way, I was bound to lose something vital.
“Emma?” A loud knock came from the door before it slowly creaked open. “Ems?” Carter asked again.
My back faced him, so it probably looked like I was sleeping. Honestly, I didn’t want to face anyone. I didn’t feel like doing senseless chitchat. Space and some downtime, those were all I sought at the moment.
“Baby, I got you some Double Double.” Carter sounded like he just placed the In-N-Out bag atop the table. The luscious smell permeated the air, attacking my senses, eating its way into my empty, acid-filled stomach.
He sat on the bed, making it dip with his weight, before I felt his arm touch the back of my neck. “Lindsey called and ordered me to bring you food.” He started massaging my neck, causing my eyes to close and enjoy his large hands unknotting my tensed muscles. “The last time you were this way… Bass no longer existed in your life. Is it safe to assume that you guys are done?”
Way to go, Carter. I had barely had the time to wrap my head around that Bass was gone and here he
comes, barging in, only thinking about his own happiness. “Go away,” I mumbled, hoping he’d take the hint.
That was wishful thinking, it seemed, because the man stupidly gave me a chuckle. “I’m not going away, baby. Never again,” he vowed fiercely.
Great, I thought, knowing what he meant by those words. After all, didn’t I make that stupid promise back in the day? About trying things out with him after things didn’t work out with Bass? Thinking about that made me even more depressed. The last thing I needed at the moment was thinking of being with Carter. I needed to breathe, cry some more and then more breathing. I needed to heal.
“I need to be alone, Carter. I can’t do this right now,” I begged, hoping he’d acquiesce and leave me be.
Carter sighed loudly and then I felt him kiss my shoulder, then my neck. “I’m a phone call away. I’ll come by again to bring you dinner.” He got up and started walking away then paused mid-step, then sighed again, resuming to walk out of my room and out of the house.
I knew what he wanted, though seriously, what did he expect? A celebratory lunch? I was grateful, at least, that he didn’t press for anything. Because if he had, I wouldn’t have been sorry for lashing out at him.
~E~
Me: I’m going for a trip. I need a break from everything around me. Can you take care of Gus for me for a little while? I’ll be back soon.
After an entire week of hibernation, I knew—even if I felt like I was going to burn in the sun like a vampire—I needed to join the rest of the human population. Weaving a great solution to my worries, I planned out ideas. Once I took a step out of the house, I knew it had been the right move.
Carter, of course, wasn’t in agreement to any of my decisions, but I had already made up my mind. I knew what I needed, even if the guy who was advising me not to go through with it was someone who had became a best friend of some sort.