by Pamela Ann
“Let me come with you,” he offered at the last second as I opened the door, about to sprint out of there like the hounds of Hell were chasing me.
Giving him one last glance, I said, “No. I need to be alone.”
He solemnly nodded. “I’ll stay in this room,” he said, knowing where my thoughts were leading and willing to give me that breathing space I was desperate for. “I’ll wait for you.”
I could have breathed out a thank you, but I didn’t have the capacity to do even that. Brody was too much on top of everything else. I just couldn’t deal with it all at once. He meant well, but at this moment, I needed to regroup and calm down.
I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t put myself through the process. Women had to be careful whom they partied with because no one was safe from predatory men. They were everywhere, and some got caught and punished, but some freely walked around as if they had done nothing wrong. And I bet with my life, most predators were free; little were caught because of women like me.
At the end of the day, I had to do what was right for me, though, not for everyone. I paid my dues by choosing a dark, stupid path, and I learned my lesson. Sometimes it was better to lock it down, suffer alone, and get through it the best as I possibly could.
Brody could judge me all he wanted, but I had been through so much as it was, so there was no way in hell I would ever tell another soul what I had gone through that night. Relaying the story of that night had already been a nightmare. I couldn’t go through that again. That was enough. It was all I could muster. No more … no more.
For me to get through this ordeal, I had to learn how to forgive myself. Then, maybe in time, things would change for the better.
Chapter Twenty-One
It was already past midnight when I decided to get in my car to aimlessly drive around. I felt like a woman on the verge of a meltdown, and no matter what I did, it seemed as if nothing was helping me lift my spirits. I wasn’t necessarily crying, though my eyes were moist from the hard encounter I’d had with Brody. I wasn’t necessarily angry, yet I could feel my temper flare at any given moment. It was as though I couldn’t control my emotions and was simply watching it play out, praying I wouldn’t do something I would regret.
Therefore, I drove while my mind busied itself playing images of Brody’s horrified face, him blaming himself for what had happened, and then the genuine concern in his eyes when he told me he would wait until I came home.
My thoughts drove me to hit up the one spot that was always open to give me a helping hand—the liquor store. The moment I got there, I shot out of the car before barging inside the damn place, going immediately through the aisles to the hard stuff. My eyes lazily scanned the bottles then decided on the Patron and Jack Daniels. The guy barely looked up to ask to check for my i.d. before he took the items and rung them on the till. After I paid with cash, I quickly jumped back inside the car and drove towards the beach, hoping the fresh air and the sound of the calming waves would clear my troubled mind.
With two bottles in hand, I lowered the windows down just so I could hear the sound of the waves crashing against the sandy shore. Then I opened one bottle after the other, taking a sip, tasting the one on my right before resuming the one on my left. I wanted to get lost, so this was the best I could do.
There was this rotten need inside of me to purge myself off all the awful things I had held inside for so long. I couldn’t keep on going, living life the way I was: full of pessimism, insecurity, and lacking of self-worth.
So I drank until I no longer could.
Then, once I realized I’d had enough of it, I closed the cap on both bottles and drove back to Carter’s house, hoping I could just get into bed and dream of another world, one where I was wanted and happy.
~A~
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting with Brody when I got back inside the house, but true to his word, he had stayed in Carter’s room.
It was about five in the morning when I arrived, so I wasn’t all that shocked to find him fast asleep on Carter’s couch. What made me smile a little was the food he had on the table with a note stating that he brought it up there while he waited, as if he wanted to make sure he was there when I arrived. I stood there, mesmerized, as I felt all these powerful emotions surged from my heart while I watched him with careful eyes.
I scrutinized his beautifully chiseled face, seeming peaceful, while I stood in the quiet silence, etching him—this moment—into memory.
Maybe it was the intensity of my gaze that woke him from a deep slumber, but when he woke, he almost jumped out of his skin, shocked like a complete weirdo who’d caught a ghost staring at him.
“Amber?” he asked before he fully opened his sleepy eyes.
“Hey,” I finally said, slumping next to him on the couch, still a little bit drunk, a little sprung on love, a little confused, and just a little, wee bit horny.
Glancing at me, he took a quick sniff towards me, immediately detecting something.
“You’ve been drinking?” he asked before taking a major whiff of me like a dog that smelled food in the air. “I waited hours and hours for you while you were out getting drunk? Are you kidding me?”
“I’m sorry.”
I watched his face run through all sorts of emotions before he hastily shook his head. “No, I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You have to stop!”
“You’re right,” I meekly whispered before I brazenly stood up and began to strip my clothes away one by one, bit by bit, until I was left with my cowboy boots on. Alone.
“Amber.” He stared at me wildly, probably half horny and half pissed off. I could see the flare of desire in his eyes the second he saw my naked body
I couldn’t blame him if he was both horny and mad, but seriously, after the kind of conversation we’d had earlier, the stress from the past week, and all the bullshit shenanigans I had gone through, I needed a break and wanted to feel pleasure. I also, in some ways, maybe needed one last tumble in the sack with him.
“If you want to help, I need you like this, inside of me, fucking me.” Unblinking, I gave him a straight look, a little shy because he hadn’t seen me naked in months.
“But you’re drunk.”
His immediate rejection shook my stance a little but not enough to stop me from pursuing the subject.
“I don’t care. I want you so fucking much.” Cupping my breasts, I bit down on my lower lip, enticing him to touch me, feel how wet I was for him. “I need you to make me feel good,” I seductively said, slightly parting my legs before slipping my middle between my wet folds, sliding through the wetness there. Then I brought it up against his lip, slowly rubbing against it before dipping it inside his mouth. “Make me feel beautiful again.”
Lust was potent in his eyes. I knew that look, the one that indicated how much he wanted me and no one else.
Getting ahold of his pants, I was shocked when he slapped my hands away.
“If you want me bad, then you’re starting it all wrong,” he ground out, his eyes clashing with mine—his with determination, mine with one objective in mind. “You have to kiss me first before you can fuck me. I’m not here just so you can use my cock to make yourself feel better. No more of that.” He relayed his conditions in a manner that told me he was dead serious, that I couldn’t get my way without giving in to his demand.
“Jesus, fine, I’ll kiss you,” I said in frustration. He was making this so much more difficult than needed. At the end of the day, the journey wasn’t important, the ultimate destination was. In this particular instance, it was his lusciously delicious cock.
“Good,” he rasped out, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “That’s more like it.”
Empowered by his inviting eyes, I decided to shift my body to straddle him. However, much to my shock, Brody wasn’t having my bold motives. Instead, he gently shoved me back down on the couch, cheerlessly seating me right next to him.
“You c
an’t seduce me with your pussy dry humping my cock, Amber. If you want to fuck, you have to work harder than that.”
Fucking hell. Why was he being such a fucking annoyance just when I needed him most? It wasn’t like I was solely using him for such activity. Okay, maybe it was more like that, but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t get any pleasure out of it, either, so what was the big deal?
“You’re making me work harder, all right,” I retorted tartly. “If this was any other man, this wouldn’t even be an issue.”
He stilled, breathing heavily against my lips, exasperated. “What’s my name?”
His random question threw me off guard. Frowning as I looked at him through my lashes, I raised my brow at him. “What are you on?”
“What’s my fucking name?” he roughly demanded again, unrelenting.
Fuck. Me. Literally.
“It’s Brody. What the fuck is wrong with you?” I almost growled at him, confused and unsure about where he was taking this conversation, straying far from sex and seemingly more into warzone territory.
His nose flared, still hung up on something I wasn’t sure of. “Good. Now we both know I’m not just any other man, so don’t insult me just because I don’t want to jump your bones the way other men would.”
Firing his words without a care, he kept on rolling them out of his lips. “Why do you do this to yourself? Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He glared at me. “Do you?”
Well … uh… He had me there; I had nothing smart to retort back, so I stayed mum while I readied for further moral lecture.
“Stop making yourself cheap. I hate seeing you this way. You’re beautiful, Amber. But my words are meaningless unless you believe them yourself.”
Jesus. What was this? The Wisdom Brigade? It was probably six in the morning by now, and he chose this of all the times to give me some words of wisdom? Fucking hell. Coming back home, I had all sorts of ideas of what would happen once I got there. But this? This wasn’t part of the plan.
I was drunk and feeling as though I was the ugliest fool there was for throwing sex into his face then having him let me down by giving me this whole spiel. I was clearly mortified and aggravated, not to mention sexually frustrated, as I roughly detached myself from him.
Why did I have to keep making such idiotic decisions? I silently scolded myself as embarrassment left me.
I plucked my skirt off the floor, but lo and behold, much to my dismay and surprise, Brody took the rest of my clothing: my thong, my bra, and my crop top. My temper was about to skyrocket in a second if he chose this time to play his stupid mind games. This wasn’t the time to fuck with me, most especially when I was naked.
“Give my clothes back,” I softly demanded as calmly as I could.
The sex Grinch wasn’t paying attention to my demands, however. He completely ignored my question. “Where do you think you’re going now?”
“Outside.”
“Why? So you can fuck another man?” he grunted out almost in my face. “How often have you done that, I wonder?”
Oh, he did not just go there!
If he wanted to fight, well fuck, let’s have at it.
“Fuck. You! How dare you throw that in my face!” That was the nastiest insult he had given me to date, and I wasn’t going to stand there and let him put bullets through my very thin scrap of armor. “Why? How often have you done that, huh? Fucking every girl out there and imagining it was Lindsey you’re fucking!” My eyes grew wide as my hands got animated while I silently recalled all the women who had come and gone in his life. What a double-standard asshole. “How often did you do that to me? Do you even know you called me ‘Lindsey’ after fucking me drunk? Do you?”
I was red with anger. If he wanted to let it all out, well, I had more to say. All these years, I had bottled everything in: every insult, each hurt, and the profound rejection I had constantly had to deal with. I was now ready for him to hear them.
He was so dumbfounded by my verbal outburst it took him about a full minute to find his voice again.
“I’m sorry. Fuck, I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t!” He was too blinded by his own shit to see my pain. “She’s all you’ve ever wanted, and I know I’m never going to measure up to her. I’m only your second choice.” It was a fact, one I had fully accepted, though it had taken years to achieve that. “You’re here now because you can’t have her,” I unabashedly said, baring my heart, my emotions, no holds barred.
His throat bobbed. “That’s not true—”
“Isn’t it?” I shot back, fuming. I didn’t understand why he had to deny the blatant fact. Everyone knew—every single fucking one—so why was he making me more of a fool by lying to my face? It was such an insult after what he and I had gone through. “I don’t appreciate the lies, Brody. We all know who the reason behind your reckless behavior these past months was. Well, guess what? I’m done being the second choice! I’m done with you! I’m done loving you!” I could have dealt with a lot of things, but lying about something that was common knowledge was something I couldn’t go through, especially from him.
For a moment, he seemed flustered about my passionate declarations. “Please don’t say that. We’ve always had this amazing chemistry. I know it took me forever to get here, but I’m here now.” He paused, searching my eyes, my heart, trying to find a scrap of who I used to be. “I’m here now … before you … ready to take the extra step.”
How twisted was this? It had taken him the same years I had used to move on before he could get to this point. There was just so much that had gone on between us that I didn’t see how any of this could work out. I had no gas left to keep going, to keep fighting. I was running on fumes, and it was either I save myself or sink to the bottomless hole that was my life these past years. I had to learn how to love myself, and to do so, getting rid of Brody and my toxic love affair with him had to go first. Then I could deal with the rest.
Making a sad smile, my heart broke before I even uttered a word. “It’s too late. I don’t want you, not like that. Not anymore.”
“You don’t want me?” he gruffly hissed out. “Are you crazy? You were just seducing me five seconds ago. You wanted to fuck me, so how can you look me in the eyes and say shit like ‘you don’t want me’?”
“It’s just sex.” I had to learn how to separate my heart when dealing with him. “I’m drunk and horny. It’s nothing you haven’t done before.”
His dark eyes turned deadly. “Is that why you’re planning to leave? ‘Cause you’re drunk and horny, and you want to fuck the first guy you see?”
Deep down, I knew he was mad, and maybe pushing his buttons wasn’t the wisest thing to do. However, he had pushed me over the edge, and I had too many pent-up emotions that needed to be unleashed. This argument was far from over.
“What’s it to you, huh? I can do whatever I want,” I baited him, hoping he would be up for another round of word bashing with me.
“You want to fuck that bad? Okay, let’s fuck!”
“I … uh…” I licked my lips, fighting the excitement that just unfurled in my body at the very thought of him taking me the way he used to—passionate, rough, and out of this world.
Why couldn’t my mind and body be in sync the way they were supposed to? Why was I wired differently when it came to Brody? I hated it. I hated him, because try as I might, fighting him off when he decided to target my body made me a goner.
Story of my life.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“What? Changed your mind already?” he taunted, eyeing me as if he was about to ravish me on the spot. “You can go out there, fuck as many men as you want, but we both know you will never be satisfied, because it’s me that you want. It’s me you’re in love with. So say whatever you like, but I’m going to fuck you until you no longer remember any other man’s cock but mine,” he said, leaving me panting shallowly as I felt my pussy quiver with lustful anticipation.
Dear me, how c
ould he be so … bold and passionately sensual while declaring his dominance towards me? It was arousing, and I couldn’t help being swayed by his display of potent, masculine virility and control. It was as forbidding as it was thrilling. He was in his element and never had I seen him so impassioned towards me. It was a knee-buckling moment for me.
“Your pussy is so excited that you can’t even manage to talk, Amber?” he pressed on, closing the hairsbreadth that was left between us before I felt his hot breath teasing my cheek then the tip of my nipple as it drew goose bumps all over me. “I love how these little suckers respond to me,” he gruffly said then bestowed the same treatment to the counterpart, driving me mad because I was giving in too quickly, but at the same time, I hungered for him like no other.
“Is this all you want to do, tease me until your ego is satisfied?” Scratchy though my voice was, it was obvious how I needed him to just get it over with so I could continue verbally sparring with him. I would feel more in control if I were attacking him instead of this blatant display of his sexual prowess towards me.
“It fucking strokes my ego to know I can do this to your body, but I want more than this,” he huskily whispered then tapped his forefinger against the side of my head. “I want this, too—all of you. I want every part of you. It’s your mind I want to seduce. It’s your soul I want to slowly conquer…”
As my mind was occupied and enthralled by his moving speech, his hand was busy minding itself, gradually progressing towards the tender wetness between my thighs.
“I want all of this, but you’re pretty stubborn about everything, so I’ll slowly work my way until you give in to me. In time, you’ll see how good we could be.”
I was biting my lip, waiting for what was to come next, when I felt his middle finger glide its way across the outer side of my vaginal lips, but lo and behold, that moment never came. Instead, he kept on skimming the sensitive area without delving into the epicenter of my nirvana.
“Fuck, don’t tell me you need a fucking map to find my pussy?” I hissed at him, so frustrated that I was fighting the chance to punch him. How dare he mess around with me this way? It was fucking cruel.