by Capps, Bonny
I feel his breath on my lips as I squeeze my eyes shut, “Look at me, Dani.”
Keeping my eyes shut, I turn my head to the side.
“Look at me!” He roars, causing me to flinch.
I refuse, and he fists my hair, pulling my head back and grasping my jaw tightly in his large hand, “Love, I am not a patient man when it comes to bratty girls not behaving when given a command.” His voice is wavering as he tries to calm himself, but I feel his insanity filling the air – it’s so dense that I feel as if my lungs are unable to fully expand.
My eyes spring open, allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks, “Go fuck yourself, you asshole!”
He sneers at me as his fist tightens in my hair, “You would do well to learn to watch your tongue,” He leans in close, his eyes shining with annoyance, “Or I will rip it out.”
Before I can respond, he turns and yanks me behind him. I fall, and the stone floor bites into my hipbone, causing me to yelp. I kick and scream as he drags me from the room and down the hall.
I claw at his arm as he drags me by my hair, but he doesn’t falter. I’ve angered him, and now he will make me pay the price.
I’m dragged into another room. The air leaves my lungs. I feel like I’ve been catapulted back into the medieval ages. Hooks are hanging, chains meant to imprison are bolted down and whips are everywhere.
He makes quick work of removing my pajama pants as I wiggle about. He succeeds, then he grasps my ankles and then my wrists, quickly cuffing them. The chains allow no movement as my knees are pulled beneath me and my hands are stretched above my head.
I tilt my head up and look around frantically, but he’s outside of my line of vision. “You’re a sick man, Gabriel! You can’t do this! Do you hear me?”
He doesn’t respond, and I shriek as he begins spraying me down with cold water.
He’s relentless as he washes me down. When he begins spraying my face, I choke as the water gets inside of my nose and throat.
Finally, he stops and kneels down in front of me, “You don’t get it.”
“Get… what…?” I say between coughs.
He smiles slightly as he looks into my eyes, “You are mine now, your demons belong to me, and I will make you face them. You can’t keep running away, Dani.”
Then, he kisses my head before turning and leaving me alone to shiver in the cold puddle of water beneath me.
7
"I regret with all my heart what my hand has done. I have taken what I cannot return. If only I could bend back the hands of that ageless clock and change the past. Ah, but alas, I am not the keeper of time, only a small part of history and the legacy of man's fall from grace. I'm sorry."
-Danny Rolling
I watch as Kayla glides through the warm air. The sun shines through the trees, catching the glitter on her cheeks each times she passes through the multiple tunnels of light that nature has created. She smiles as the euphoria spreads through her, moving her arms up and down slowly, mimicking a bird.
“So, how’s shit going, man? I haven’t seen you in a while.” Shawn asks.
I sigh as he pinches the skin of my back before sliding the hook through, “Good. Just work. That’s about it.”
He laughs, “Yeah, I hear you there.”
He inserts the rest of the hooks and I let out a sigh of gratitude as I stand, feeling the curved metal weighing down my skin.
He steps in front of me. The guy is covered in ink, his ears are stretched and he has metal all over his face. I have my fair share of ink, but not many people have ever seen it. Each tattoo resembles my victim’s last story, the final words that they spoke to me.
“That one new? Looks badass.” Shawn remarks, nodding towards the new addition over my chest. It’s a mural, all of their stories are connected. My new addition is a decrepit teddy bear, because there was no way I was going to ask Jed, my tattoo artist, to add a purple sparkly plush toy.
“Yeah. Thanks.” I respond as I make my way to the tree. Shawn moves behind me and my eyelids flutter with each pull of the hooks. Once my feet leave the ground, I feel as if fifty tons has been lifted off of me, and when Shawn gives me a push, I feel the air through my hair as my mind wanders to a place that I can feel peace. Alone within the walls of my mind where there are no societal expectations, only blackness and silence.
Nineteen Years Old (Amherst, MA)
I groaned as I stretched my body. I’d gone out with my new friends that I’d made at UMass. I remember drinking a few beers before we all began taking shots. The party was being held at one of the frat houses. Hot girls were everywhere. It was exciting, at least what I can remember was exciting.
Now, here I was, hungover. Probably missing class.
I struggled to open my eyes against the sunlight. Blinking a few times, it looked as if I were in a spare bedroom. It was nothing fancy. The curtains were plaid blue and there were a couple of posters tacked to the white walls, but other than that, it didn’t look lived in.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes with the back of my wrist. I frowned when I felt rubber wrapped tightly around my hands and fingers. Holding my hands before my face, I swallowed hard when I saw what looked to be blood staining the latex surface of the gloves that I happened to be wearing.
My eyes travelled around the room, and stopped when I saw a form under the white sheet beside me in the bed. It was the size of a human, and it didn’t move. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed. I’d never, ever prayed before. But I did then, because the sickening feeling that was swirling in my stomach told me that I had done something horrible.
Finally, I dared to open my eyes and reached toward the lump beneath the sheet. At first, I wrapped my fingers around what I was assuming to be their shoulder and gave them a little shake. When they remained still, I frantically shook them harder and harder until the sheet moved down a bit. My eyes grew wide when I saw the long black hair spread across the white pillow.
I scrambled from the bed and onto the floor. I stared at that black hair for a while before I got to my feet and approached the other side of the bed. I gripped the blanket and exhaled as I swiftly pulled it from her body.
My mouth was moving in such a way - it seemed that I was saying something, but it wasn’t audible. My fists were balled at my sides as I slowly backed away, blinking rapidly to clear my eyes of the tears that had collected in them.
Her skin was milky white. It reminded me of snow. Her long hair seemed like it would have been beautiful at one point, but now it was dull and lifeless. And her eyes… her eyes were deep pools of black. Her spidery eyelashes curled up over her heavy eyelids. She was completely nude, and I wanted to vomit when I saw the marks all over her body. Bite marks, cuts. They were everywhere. Her neck had a deep wound. She’d been cut from ear to ear, the sheet below her was bright red.
My eyes snapped to a window across the room before they darted back to her. She was definitely dead.
I pressed my palms against my temples as my breathing quickened. I didn’t, did I? Did I kill her? The idea that I could have been like my father had always lingered in the back of my mind, but I thought that it was normal. The obsessive idea that his sickness had somehow crept into my veins - it’s always plagued me. But I’m no killer. I wouldn’t kill an innocent person for my own twisted pleasure.
I ran to the window, flung it open, and jumped without thinking twice. I had to sort this out, and that certainly wouldn’t happen with me being in prison. Nobody would’ve believed me, especially with the knowledge of who my father was and what he had done so many years ago.
I hit the ground hard and rolled before leaping to my feet and running as fast as I could into the nearest woods.
I zipped past the white pines and jumped over the small streams as I came across them. My eyes were frantically scanning the spaces between the trees, but then, I lost my footing and went tumbling down an embankment, hitting my hip hard on a jagged rock.
“Fuck!” I exclaimed as I grasped my wound.
I heard something land beside me followed by another object. It was my phone and my wallet, and my eyes snapped towards the figure that stood ominously against the backdrop of morning fog.
“You’re sloppy. That would have gotten you caught, Gabriel.” The shadow man said.
I glared at him as I jumped to my feet, “What the fuck? What was that back there?”
He snickered as he shook his head, “Well, it seems that you have a murderous side after all.”
“No.” I growled, narrowing my eyes at him. “That was all you. I would never hurt anyone.”
He laughed as he tilted his head back. “Me? But I don’t exist Gabriel. Remember? I’m a figment of your imagination. Do you know why? Because you’re crazy. You’re a crazy murderer. Just. Like. Him.”
“Fuck you!” I hollered, my chest shaking with each word, “Just leave me alone!”
He stood completely still, and I was sure that his eyes never left me as I stood, pathetically begging for this imaginary figure to allow me to live a normal life. That’s if he had any eyes at all. I can’t imagine there being anything under that hood being human. He was a demon that crawled from the deepest depths of hell, and for whatever reason, this monster decided to torment my mind.
Finally, he turned and began walking away.
“I’m going to go clean up your mess, Gabriel. I’ll always be here to clean up your messes, whether you like it or not.”
Where the mysterious pale woman went – I don’t know. She was never found. Not a drop of blood or a strand of hair… nothing. It was as if she never existed.
I lean against the wall with my eyes shut. Her sobs pull at the strings of my heart, making me want to help her end it all now. Her mind is clouded with tormenting thoughts and whispers from the ghosts of the past.
I pull myself together as I push the door open. Her little fists are balled and her back shakes from each quaking sob that escapes her. Her soft hair falls around her as the chains rattle with each small movement.
My eyes are met with the blue of hers, a blue that I’ve never seen before, a blue that holds intense sadness and so, so much hurt.
“Gabriel, let me go.” She rasps as she narrows her eyes at me.
I shake my head as I pull the ring of keys from my pocket, “No Dani.”
“Why?” She wails as I kneel down beside her and get to work at removing the cuffs. She flinches when I rub my thumb over where the metal had bitten into her skin.
“I want to help you.” I murmur.
I sit back on my heels when she laughs dryly, “Help me? You really are fucking crazy.”
I grit my teeth in response, “Stop saying that.”
She gets up on wobbly hands and knees, “What? Crazy? You are, Gabriel. Normal people do not do things like this.”
Grabbing her arm harshly, I pull her to her feet, “I can leave you here all night, or we can get started.”
She tilts her head to the side, “There isn’t anything you can do to me that hasn’t been done.”
I smirk as I pull her close, “I highly doubt that.”
8
"I didn't want to hurt them, I only wanted to kill them."
-David Berkowitz (Son of Sam)
I gasp as he drags me towards one of the four walls, pushing my chest against the jagged, grey stone. I grind my teeth as he cuffs each of my wrists above me.
He steps away, but I can still feel his heat at my naked back.
“Do you know why the others always ask for death, Dani?” He asks, and I hear his footsteps echo as he walks across the drafty room. My body begins to tremble when his steps get closer once again, only this time, they are accompanied by the dragging of an object.
I squeeze my eyes shut as I press my cheek against the cold stone.
“Do you?” He growls, sending a chill down my spine.
All is silent for a moment, then, without warning I hear the thin leather slice through the air. I shriek when it bites into my skin, but that doesn’t stop him. He continues to relentlessly tear into my back until I’m eventually slumping over from the pain – willing myself to not allow my soul to shatter, but he is pushing me so very far.
I feel the blood seeping from the wounds that he’s inflicted, just like the tears that leak from my eyes.
Age Twelve
“You’re worthless. You will always be worthless.” He gritted out. My body lay limp as he beat me with the belt. I could literally feel the red slices of my skin raise each time he laid the leather strap across my back and buttocks.
I would always watch his face. His eyes gave away so much. I knew when he was angry, when he wanted to hurt, when he wanted to love… Right now, he wanted to cause me pain. He was causing me pain, but I had just grown so used to it.
It’s then that he grasped the hair at the base of my skull and pulled my head back. I could feel the raised scar, which ran from his temple to his jaw brush against my cheek. “Say it Dani. Say it!”
I blinked several times as I willed my dry lips to part, I had to say what he wanted to hear.
“I – I’m a worthless dirty girl. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything but pain.” I whispered, igniting a chuckle from him.
He released my hair and my head bounced off of the dirty mattress, “That’s right. Don’t you ever forget it.”
A shiver racks through my body when Gabriel runs his fingers gently down my arm.
I blink several times as I try and pull myself back to my feet, “Because… you break them.”
I hear a dark chuckle escape him before he responds, “No Dani. They’re already broken. Just like you.”
I laugh, surprising even myself as I press my forehead against the wall, “You won’t break me, Gabriel. Don’t flatter yourself.”
His hand is quick to tangle in my hair as he pulls my head back and whispers into my ear, “Pain won’t break you? What about feeling? Touch?”
His free hand trails over my breast, to my stomach, and then to the place that I wish never existed.
My heart drums wildly beneath my ribs as he grazes his fingers over my pussy, “Stop. Please. Don’t.”
“Who hurt you? Who made you so afraid of feeling?” He whispers as his finger begins to circle the tiny bundle of nerves.
“No!” I wail as his assault continues. I hate myself as I feel a piece of myself come alive beneath his skilled fingers.
His warm breath spreads across the skin of my neck as he steps closer. I feel his erection press against my abused back as he circles faster and faster.
My sobs become moans as I feel the wetness between my thighs.
“Let me be the one who undoes you,” He rasps before he tilts my head back further. His lips meet mine as I cry out, releasing the demons that have plagued me all these years right into the mouth of the man who has dared to invoke them.
When he pulls away, my eyes snap open and are met with his beautiful green eyes. His brows are pinched together as he looks into my broken soul.
Once he releases my arms from the cuffs, I immediately begin to fall, my brain not willing my legs to keep me upright, but he catches me and pulls me into his arms.
He carries me from the torture room and up the stairs.
I examine my surroundings once we exit the cold, stone hell that I’ve become accustomed to.
We enter a large living room. A warm fire burns within a white, stone fireplace with a large painting exhibited above it. The floors are a dark, cherry wood with black carpets throughout. The couches are large enough to seat a giant comfortably, and I sigh when he places me down and my body meets the soft, black suede.
“Lie down on your stomach.” He says quietly.
Eying him stubbornly, I pull my arms over my naked breasts.
He gives me a warning look, “Now. I need to dress your wounds.”
I follow his order hesitantly and wince as I move clumsily onto my stomach.
Once I’m in place, he kneels beside the couch.
&nb
sp; I lay my head on my hand as I watch him go to work on my back, wincing as he dabs my torn flesh with a cotton ball.
“Why am I here?” I whisper.
He stops momentarily before he begins fixing me once more, “Fate I suppose.”
I laugh dryly, “Fate? We had a business meeting, then drinks, and when I didn’t want to fuck you, you took me from my home. This has little to do with fate, and all to do with you being a lunatic.”
He grabs my jaw in his hand, squeezing to the point that I feel the bone will shatter beneath his hold, “Stop pushing me. You will not like the result when I snap. I’ve told you, and I will tell you again, I will not tolerate your snarky remarks.”
The anger swells in his gaze, causing my smile to fade as I clamp my mouth shut.
Once he finishes placing the bandages over my wounds, he helps me to my feet and leads me into his dining room.
My eyes are immediately drawn to a platinum collar with a black, leather leash attached.
It sits proud and ominous in the middle of the table, glistening beneath the low, sensual lighting.
I look towards him, and his eyes land on mine.
“What is this?” I implore as I gesture toward the collar.
The corners of his lips lift up slightly, “It’s a reminder.”
My gaze falls back to the collar as I trace my fingers around the edge, “Am I supposed to wear this?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I respond, my eyes snapping back to his.
He grabs the collar and holds it in front of him, “This will remind you of your place while you’re here in my home. Here, you are mine to do as I please. I can assure you that it will be a pleasurable experience if you cooperate. Now hold up your hair so I can put it on you.”
I place my hand over my neck as I look up at him, “I’m not an animal. I’m not yours to own, Gabriel.”
He smirks as he steps closer. Leaning in, he whispers into my ear, “You are whatever I want you to be. If I want you to eat and drink from a dog bowl, you will. If I want to fuck you, I will.” He pauses as he runs his fingers down my arm, “See, that’s how things work here. You can either sleep in my soft bed with me, or you can be chained to the floor of the dungeon. You can either eat fine foods, or you can eat mush. Cause and effect.”