by Abby Ayles
Regina was burning with curiosity. “She did say that she was still in love with someone. The same person, for ten years.”
“That would explain it.” Aunt Jane gave a sympathetic sigh. “Love will make us do rather stupid things. It is a pity that she must struggle in this way.”
Regina still didn’t understand that. But she figured it wasn’t her place to argue. “I will try and be home by dinner but I can’t guarantee it. Miss Cora hosts friendly games of Whist and they can take up time. I quite lost track of the clock last night.”
“So long as you have your wits about you, I am secure,” Aunt Jane assured her. “And since your inclinations are towards men, allow me to remind you about them.”
“I know, and I will guard myself against lies,” Regina said. She had heard this lecture from Bridget and from Louisa many times over the years. She’d gotten abridged versions from various society matrons. And she’d gotten a sort-of lecture last night at dinner.
“I meant more that you guard yourself against pregnancy,” Aunt Jane replied.
Regina dropped her fork.
It made a clattering sound and Aunt Jane laughed. “Oh, my dear. You really are adorable. Do what you will. Just be smart about it. Make sure no one will spread rumors, that the man will treat you with respect and keep it to himself, and that you do not end up with child. That’s all.
“In fact, you might find it helpful. A few youthful romps will help prepare you for marriage. It’ll make the whole affair seem less daunting. And your husband will be quite impressed with you.”
Regna snatched her fork up again and hastily shoved some eggs into her mouth so she didn’t have to talk. The world was far less straight-laced than she had been led to believe. She wasn’t sure if she was excited or dismayed. Or some combination of both.
Chapter 19
When Regina knocked on the door that morning, a servant opened it.
Regina took a step back, instinctively on her guard. But the servant, a scullery maid by the looks of it, just curtsied. She didn’t seem surprised to see Regina.
“Right this way Miss,” the girl said. Her accent made her voice sound a little hoarse.
Regina followed the girl through the kitchen and up the back stairs, into the library. There, she found not Harrison, but Cora sitting there.
Cora was reading a book in French. Regina had always struggled the language herself. She couldn’t even make out the title before Cora looked up and set the book aside.
“Good morning, Regina.” She smiled warmly. “Come, have a seat. The fire is most inviting.”
Regina sat down on the other end of the sofa. “What are you reading?”
“A French romance.” Cora lowered her voice. “They’re the best kind. Tell me,” she added, “How do your sisters fare?”
Her tone was oddly light, as though she was trying to sound casual. Regina couldn’t quite make out why. It felt like Cora was struggling to hide something.
“They’re as well as can be expected.”
Cora’s gaze turned sharp. “What does that mean?”
Regina outlined what had happened to her family. She trusted Cora. Perhaps that was unwise of her but Cora had been childhood friends with Bridget. That was good enough for Regina. And the whole of England would know what her father had done soon enough. There was no use in hiding it.
The card game wasn’t a matter of stopping the knowledge from getting out. It was fixing things before the knowledge did too much damage. It was winning everything back the same way it had been lost so that all honor was restored.
When Regina finished telling her, Cora was pale. “How is Bridget,” she asked. Her voice was but a whisper and yet she sounded quite urgent. As though Bridget was badly ill. “How is she holding up?”
“She’s weathering it better than the rest of us,” Regina admitted. “Louisa is beside herself. She is convinced that she and Mr. Fairchild will never marry now. Bridget has done her best to console her.”
“That would be Bridget,” Cora said. She smiled, and there was something sad about that smile. Something Regina couldn’t place. “She was always thinking of others before herself. Sometimes at her own expense.”
“Elizabeth and Natalie object to it because they do not want to marry yet,” Regina said.
“They’re both of a marrying age,” Cora replied. “As much as we sometimes try to deny it, our job as women is to marry. It’s practically a business decision.”
Her tone suggested that this was partially a joke, and Regina laughed. It was true, though. “I wish you would tell them that. Bridget gave them a fair tongue-lashing but they could always do with another.”
“I am glad of it,” Cora said fiercely. “They were the spoiled ones when we were children.”
“They were?” Regina leaned in. “I must know what it was like when you knew them. I was barely eight when she died. I can hardly recall any of it.”
Mostly she remembered reading indoors with Mother. She’d already shown a disinclination for the outdoors and other people. Instead she had read in her bedroom or with Mother nearby.
Then after Mother died, when everyone was filled with grief, Bridget had their governess teach her needlepoint. It would give her something to focus on besides her grief, Bridget had reasoned.
It had worked.
Cora thought for a moment. “Your mother was never overly strict,” she said. “She always had love to spare. I loved her more than I love my own mother. If you think I ever have moments of hardness, that is where I get it. That woman was not born. She was carved from ice.”
Cora’s eyes took on a faraway look. “But your mother welcomed me in. Treated me like one of her own. I adored it. But she was firm when she needed to be. Louisa was a lot like you, when she was little. Your mother insisted she spend some time outdoors and with others. In time she grew to enjoy it.”
“She’s still more on the quiet side,” Regina admitted, “But she handles social gatherings far better than I do. Everyone talks about how sweet she is.”
“That’s thanks to your mother. Bridget could have been like Natalie or Elizabeth had your mother let her. A flirt or too sharp of tongue, she had the potential for both inside of her, you know.
“But then when Natalie and Elizabeth came along… I think it was a little too much. Two daughters already. Then two more. All close in age.
“And your mother wasn’t always in the best health. Her death of pneumonia from a rainstorm? That was horrible. But not unexpected. If everyone caught cold, she caught it the worst. In the summer she would get red itchy eyes and sneeze constantly.
“I think each pregnancy was harder than the last. I know that after you were born she was laid up for some time. Some time after she had recovered I overheard her talking to my mother. Your mother admitted she could not have any other children.
“Not that she didn’t want more. Or that she was incapable of getting pregnant again. But if she were to get pregnant, it would kill her. It might also kill the baby. She couldn’t risk that.
“And so I think that she got indulgent with Natalie and Elizabeth. Perhaps with you as well. She was tired and had the household and the children. A governess helps a lot but it’s no complete substitute for a mother.
“As a result, Elizabeth and Natalie got a bit spoiled. Your father was the worst culprit. You spent most of your time inside, I recall. You were a voracious reader. I was not surprised when you said you still love to do it.”
Cora smiled at her fondly, and Regina found herself smiling back. “I am glad that you told me of her. My sisters hardly talk about our mother. When they do it’s as if she’s a saint.”
“She was a wonderful woman,” Cora said. “A saint in many ways. But not even saints are perfect. Parenting takes its toll.” Cora gave a small, rueful laugh. “Perhaps it is a good thing I shall never have children.”
“Can’t you marry a man and pretend?” Regina asked. “Many women marry men when they do not love them. And
the other way around. Married men visit brothels and have affairs. Whether it’s with a housemaid or a lady.”
She had heard her sisters gossiping about such things. She had overheard things at balls as well. Lord and Lady Morrison would openly discuss various affairs they’d heard of when they visited.
Bridget was always trying to protect Regina from hearing such things but she had heard enough. She knew that quite a lot went on behind closed doors. And sometimes things went on when doors were still open.
“Perhaps if I were not such a stubborn woman,” Cora admitted. “Or if I possessed a meeker character. But I am quite stubborn. And I am far from meek. I could not submit to a husband. Not unless I loved him and knew he would treat me as an equal.
“Besides, I am a romantic. Perhaps it is my French blood. On my mother’s side. But I want to marry for love. Therefore, I’m afraid, marrying a man is right out for me.”
“You could go to the continent,” Regina pointed out. “There are plenty of places there that are more tolerant. Or at least where you could hide better.”
“I would like to go there someday,” Cora said. “In fact I should like to live out the rest of my life there.”
“Then why don’t you go?” Regina asked. “What is holding you back? Is it the woman they mentioned last night?”
She didn’t add that Aunt Jane had mentioned something of that sort as well. She had a feeling it would embarrass Cora. After all, it would certainly embarrass Regina if their roles were reversed. Regina wouldn’t want her private business known to people she’d never even met.
Cora closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she looked away. Into the fire.
“Yes,” she said softly. “I know that I’m a fool. I don’t need my friends to tell me that. But I should like to know how I am any more foolish than they are. A black man who lets himself be treated with ridicule to please his father. Because he loves his father. A woman who gives up a year of her life, and risks destroying her reputation, to be with a dying man. Because she loves him.
“They act for love. Why shouldn’t I? My pining is no more intense and no less foolish than their sins.”
“I wouldn’t say that acting for love is a sin,” Regina said.
Cora gave a soft, pained laugh. “We are all sinners when it comes to love,” she told her. “Because for love we will break all other vows. We will sacrifice all our principles.”
Regina opened her mouth to argue—and then closed it. Was she not sinning, in a way, for love? For her family, she was risking all.
“Is she married?” Regina asked. “Is that why you cannot be with her? Or does she not love you back?”
“She is not married,” Cora replied. She was still gazing into the fire. “And she did love me once. I do not know if she still does.”
“Then write to her. See if she will not run away with you.” Perhaps run away was a strong word. But still.
Cora shook her head. “She had responsibilities. Family obligations. I could not impose upon her. Especially now.”
“Surely everyone deserves the chance to seize their own happiness.”
Cora looked up at her. “You truly are a sweet girl,” she said. “I see your mother in you. But we can’t always be selfish. We must think of our families as well. We must think of our friends.
“This woman has had to think of her family. She has had to take care of them. I could not ask her to abandon them. Not when they have needed her so. Perhaps, if things changed… if several things changed… if she was no longer beholden to her family…”
Cora nodded. “Yes. If her family no longer needed her. If she would be free to live her life without hurting them. Then I would write her. I would ask her if she still felt for me as I felt for her. If the promises we made back then were still true.”
Regina could bear it no longer. Father, Bridget, Aunt Jane, Cora, Miss Eliza and Lord Mannis…
She burst out, “I don’t understand!”
Cora looked at her. She seemed genuinely confused. “Whatever do you mean?”
“I don’t understand,” Regina admitted. “This love that you all talk about. The love that made my father turn to gambling after my mother died. The love Bridget still has for her childhood sweetheart. The love Miss Eliza and Lord Mannis have. The way Aunt Jane talks.”
Cora had gone unusually pale about halfway through Regina’s little speech. Still, she nodded her head encouragingly when Regina paused.
“I have never felt what you all feel. And I don’t understand it. How can you be so willing to suffer for someone else? How can you cling to their memory so fiercely? How can one person bring you such happiness that you’re willing to risk such pain?”
Cora looked at her. She seemed puzzled. “Do you not feel that way for Harrison?”
Oh no. Regina had forgotten about that. “I…” She found herself spluttering. “That is, I don’t—I don’t know.”
“That’s all right.” Cora took Regina’s hand. “Often we don’t recognize how deep our love is until the person we love is taken away.
“You’re young. This relationship with Harrison is new, yes?”
Regina nodded. That technically wasn’t a lie.
“Then give it time. He’s a charismatic man. If I could feel such things for men I should have fallen in love with him myself.” Cora smiled. “You’ll be head over heels for him soon enough.”
“What if I don’t want to be?” Regina asked.
“Then he is simply an older man providing you with an education?” Cora asked.
“In a way,” Regina hedged.
“Well, there is nothing wrong with that. But even if it’s not with him, I suspect someone will come along and sweep you off your feet. I do think it will be him, though.” Cora shrugged. “Whatever you may say, there was something between you two last night. It reminded me of myself and my love.”
“But what if I don’t want that kind of love?” Regina asked. “All it seems to do is make people miserable. My father was miserable and now he’s made us more miserable. Miss Eliza will be heartbroken once Lord Mannis dies. And you’ve been unhappy for ten years.”
“Love, you will find, is worth it.” Cora squeezed Regina’s hand. “I cannot expect you to understand. It is something that you just can’t understand until you feel it. But when you do, it will all make sense. That feeling will be worth all the pain that comes. I promise you that.”
Part of Regina wanted to believe her. That scared her.
“What nonsense are you filling her head with?”
Regina jumped. She turned to see Harrison standing in the doorway. He was dressed casually once again. For some reason his appearance had her heart thumping wildly all over again.
“I’ll have to start calling you Titania,” Harrison said, addressing Cora.
“That makes no sense,” Cora replied. “Titania and Oberon were fighting over a human boy. Not Puck.”
“Technicalities,” Harrison replied. “May I have my girl now?”
As he said that, he came to stand behind Regina. He put a hand on her shoulder. It caused his fingertips to rest on her collarbone.
It felt as though the fire in the fireplace had grown ten times in size. Regina’s breath caught in her throat.
“Very well,” Cora said. She stood up and took her book with her. “I shall be reading in the drawing room. Try not to stain any books if you start indulging.”
She swept out before Regina could even begin to understand her sentence. Then she did understand the sentence and felt heat crawl up her neck and face. She must have been bright red from blushing.
“I hope she wasn’t filling your head with too much nonsense,” Harrison said. He came and sat down but kept his arm at such an angle that it came around her shoulders. It meant his hand was still on her shoulder.
“She was telling me about my mother,” Regina said. “It was good to have an outside perspective. I learned a bit about my sisters as well.”
“Then I ta
ke it all back,” Harrison announced. “I’m glad that she spoke with you.”
“She thinks that you’re giving me an education,” Regina said.
“I am,” Harrison replied. “Or is that not what this whole arrangement is.”
“No, I mean—well, she meant…” Regina lowered her voice. Even though lowering her voice was ridiculous because nobody else could hear them. “A sexual education.”
“Ah.” Harrison’s cheeks got the tiniest bit pink at that. He cleared his throat. “Well, yes. But please know that I would never take advantage of you in that way. I want you to feel safe with me. Cora can serve as your escort, if you like, since you clearly do not trust the woman you are staying with to know where you are going.”
“I do trust you, immensely,” Regina said. “I know that perhaps it is not wise of me but I feel safe with you and I trust that you will help me in what I need to do.
“And it is not that I do not trust the woman I stay with. It’s only that, well, you did not tell your friends the true reason why I am here. If she knows that I am going to visit you, then she will find out about the cards and our plan and she could let it slip to one of my sisters.”
“Cora will not let it slip to anyone,” Harrison promised her. “You will need to say that she is your escort should anyone ask, or else they will think of us as my friends did.”
Regina nodded. “I will be sure to tell them. And Cora will be all right with it?”
Harrison nodded. “I am certain that she will be. She is a good and loyal friend in that way.”
Regina smiled and relaxed a little. “Good.”
“I was thinking,” Harrison said, “Before we continue, that it would be good for us to show you some of the city. Cora and I can take you to some of the parks. I want you to get out a little more.”
“What purpose would that serve?” Regina asked.
“It would serve to give you confidence, and you sorely need it if you are going to best Lord Pettifer,” Harrison replied.
He stood up and offered a hand to help her. “Now. Let us fetch Cora and we’ll give you a proper tour of the city.”