The Reason I Jump

by Naoki Higashida

  When this is happening to us, please just let us cry, or yell, and get it all out. Stay close by and keep a gentle eye on us, and while we’re swept up in our torment, please stop us from hurting ourselves or others.

  Q58 What are your thoughts on autism itself?

  I think that people with autism are born outside the regime of civilization. Sure, this is just my own made-up theory, but I think that, as a result of all the killings in the world and the selfish planet-wrecking that humanity has committed, a deep sense of crisis exists.

  Autism has somehow arisen out of this. Although people with autism look like other people physically, we are in fact very different in many ways. We are more like travelers from the distant, distant past. And if, by our being here, we could help the people of the world remember what truly matters for the Earth, that would give us a quiet pleasure.

  Foreword

  I wrote this story in the hope that it will help you to understand how painful it is when you can’t express yourself to the people you love. If this story connects with your heart in some way, then I believe you’ll be able to connect back to the hearts of people with autism too.

  I’m Right Here

  Shun used to think that he knew himself very well, but from that day on he was no longer sure. Everyone’s staring at my face. The early evening sky was ominous with orange clouds bound by ash-grey. Why are they all staring at me? When Shun had emerged from his local supermarket, an old man came over and asked, “What are you doing here?” Shun had never met him before. He wore a red hat pulled down low over his eyes, a white T-shirt and black knee-length shorts, even though it was winter. Never talk to strangers, Shun had told himself, and started hurrying for home. And that was the moment when Shun noticed—everyone’s staring at my face. His first thought was that everyone was worrying about him, but no, it wasn’t that kind of look … How to put it? Not a surprised look, not a searching gaze … more of an icy, heart-chilling stare. Whatever it was, Shun ran off home.

  “I’m back!”

  Shun was relieved to get back home, safe and sound at last. His mom was busy preparing supper as usual. Shun opened the fridge and spoke to his mom while he took out a carton of juice. “Hey, Mom, today I …” Then Shun’s words just dried up. She was just standing there. Apron on, pan in hand, her hair and clothes the same as they were when Shun had left home earlier, but still, Shun couldn’t move a muscle. That icy stare again. Everything seemed to be revolving around him in slow motion. Get away from here, go, now, get out! Was Shun thinking this, or was someone ordering him? Shun managed to marshal his unmoving body into action, and he fled outside, almost howling.

  Shun found himself in a park, with no memory of how he’d arrived there. Even though it was cold, his body was soaked in sweat. He was exhausted. What’s going on? To try to get a grip on things, Shun decided to look back over the day. I woke up, I went to school, I came home. So far, so normal. And after that … after that … He remembered nothing. What the hell did I do next? Shun sat on his bench, staring into space, while the wintry wind blew all around him. Like the hole in the middle of a doughnut, the memory had somehow fallen out from Shun’s mind. He couldn’t even cry. How strange that a person can keep his head, even when things have become as desperate as this. The sun was sinking low now. I have to do something about this, Shun thought, yet at the same time, he was also feeling, Whatever happens to me, happens. How much time had gone by? Shun noticed darkness all around him. He hauled himself to his feet.

  With no clear destination in mind, Shun carried on walking. Nobody else was around. Maybe all the people were in their houses. However lonely Shun might have felt, he didn’t want to see anyone, not even his friends. I wonder if they’re worrying about me at home by now? Shun’s feet led him back to his house.

  But it looked as though his house was in complete darkness. Shun’s dad was supposed to come home from work early that day, so Shun wondered where his parents could have gone. At the same time, he felt relief to be back. They must have gone out to look for me, he thought. And it wasn’t as if anyone was actually hassling me earlier, they kept staring at me in that weird way, that’s all. Feeling much better now, Shun decided to wait for his parents in front of his house. The winter sky at night was beautiful, and the flickering of the stars soothed his heart.

  Footsteps drew nearer. That must be Mom and Dad. Shun went running up to them. “I’m really, really sorry to make you worry about me, I just …” But something was very wrong about them. Maybe they can’t recognize me in the dark? So Shun grabbed his mother by her arm …

  … or he thought he did, but her arm wasn’t there. What? This can’t be happening! Shun had absolutely no idea what was going on. He just stood there, struck dumb, as his parents walked by, right in front of him. All Shun could do was repeat to himself, This can’t be true, it can’t be true. He crouched on the ground, hugging his knees. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Help me. Help …

  “Ah, so here you are.” Shun heard a voice and looked up. Standing there was the old man he’d met outside the supermarket. He was looking down at Shun with a kind face. “You’re all right. You’re all right. Let’s go back together.” The old man took hold of Shun’s hand.

  Shun just looked at the old man.

  Softly, the old man told Shun, “You don’t belong to this world anymore.”

  Shun didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

  “Shun,” the old man said, “you didn’t notice the moment that you died. On your way to the supermarket, I’m afraid you were hit by a car that ran the red light.”

  The memory of the scene slowly returned to Shun. Yeah, that’s right, I meant to dodge the car, but then I sort of froze and couldn’t move, yes, then I was hit, and I thought, What an ungodly mess this is going to be, but then I came to again and there I was, still outside the supermarket … Shun’s eyes began to brim with tears. So I’m dead? Me? Dead? And I can’t even stop blubbering … I don’t want to be dead. No. No, no. No!

  Shun cried, and he kept on crying.

  How much time had gone by? Nobody can cry forever, after all. By and by Shun’s tears dried up, but his mind was still blank. The old man spoke: “Righto. What say we go back now?”

  Back? Go back where? “But my home’s right … here.” Shun had a quick peek into his house through the window. He could see into the living room. Crying … Mom and Dad are both crying their eyes out.

  Shun’s eyes started filling up once again.

  So what am I supposed to do now?

  The old man motioned to Shun and began walking, and, as if drawn after him by an invisible cord, Shun followed. The old man strode out toward the west. What’s waiting for me up ahead? Even though Shun was dead, he was still gripped by the fear of death. In a quaking voice he asked, “Where are we going?”

  The old man put his arm around Shun’s shoulder and replied matter-of-factly: “We’re off to Heaven, of course.”

  “Oh. I’ve, um … never been to Heaven before.”

  The old man laughed out loud. “Obviously.”

  The Path to Heaven. Yes, I read about it in a book, a long time ago.… It was a beautiful white path leading upward to Heaven, with the loveliest never-ever-seen flowers all around. Thinking these things, Shun kept pace with the old man. About half an hour may have passed. Shun was wondering if the Path to Heaven could really be as plain and dull as this one. What’s more, he didn’t feel the remotest bit dead. Even though things had looked so desperate and bleak before, Shun was now feeling much more like his old self again. “Excuse me, sir, will we be arriving in Heaven any time soon? It’s just that I feel tired enough to keel over and die.”

  The old man snorted out a laugh.

  So Shun snorted out a laugh, too.

  Who would have guessed it? thought Shun. You can find something to laugh at in any situation, even when you’re dead. Mulling this over, Shun found he was feeling happier.

  “Well, you finally smiled a
bout something,” said the old man. “Then the Path to Heaven begins right here.” Serenely, he raised both his hands toward the sky. He seemed to be saying something, but Shun couldn’t catch what it was.

  Now that I think of it, somebody once told me how when we die, we become stars. Must have been Mom, I guess. She was always on my side. Dad gave me a lot of time too, mind … but no more games of tossing a ball to each other now … Shun looked up at the night sky and gave a small sigh.

  “What d’you reckon?” said the old man. “Time to be off?”

  Shun grew afraid again. Am I dying? No, no, I’m already dead. But what’s going to happen to me now? If only Mom … Shun’s whole body started shaking.

  The old man noticed. He gave Shun a concerned hug. “There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll only be gone for an instant.”

  Only gone for an instant? Shun was confused. What’s going to become of me? Slowly, surely, the scene in front of Shun grew hazy, and he collapsed on the spot.

  Down in his deep and dreamless sleep, Shun was thinking, How come people have to die? There’s still so much I want to do. Then, fearfully, Shun opened his eyes to see what had happened. An ancient man in white robes stood before him, and it dawned on Shun that this must be God. In fact, this God was the spitting image of the one Shun had seen at the art museum. Wow, God, I’d better be on my best behavior. To pay his respects, Shun leapt to his feet. Huh? My feet are gone! So ghosts really do float around without any feet. But then Shun realized something that nearly gave him a heart attack: “It’s gone! It’s completely gone! My body isn’t anywhere!”

  This was too much, and Shun lost his head, forgot that he was in the presence of God and started freaking out.

  “Oy, oy, oy, there’s no need for that,” said God. The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Shun, as if he’d heard it long ago. “You’ll hardly be needing your body now that you’re dead, will you? All the things that used to tie you down and hold you back, they’ve gone now.”

  Oh, that’s right, yes … I’m dead. Despite the fact Shun had no body, all the energy drained right out of it. “Please, sir, what’s going to happen to me?”

  “Absolutely nothing’s going to happen to you, because—well, look around you—you’ve gone to Heaven.”

  So what’s this place like, exactly? Shun examined his surroundings. The dark was darker than the depths of night, but scattered all about with pulsing stars. I never saw so many stars where I used to live … wow. Stars really are infinite. Lost in their pure beauty, Shun gazed and gazed, letting thoughts of his death slip away.

  “For the time being, do whatever you wish,” said God. “I dare say you’re still very much attached to your last life, and still have unfinished business to chew over. But you’ll come to understand how things stand, by and by.” And with that, God’s outline began to waver and vanish like mist dissolving into more mist.

  It’s all very well for Him to say, “Do whatever you wish,” Shun thought. He was at a loss. He looked down, and there he saw the Earth, piercingly blue and beautiful in the darkness. So this here is Space I’m standing in. But what do I do now? How am I supposed to live when I don’t even have a body? All alone, as well. The first thing I have to work out is how do you live when you’re dead. Shun had no idea.

  For a while, Shun stayed where he was. This Heaven sure is different than how I used to imagine Heaven would be. I used to think that Heaven was full of wonderful things to eat and fun things to do all day, with nothing to make you suffer or give you a hard time. Shun shouted out loud: “Hey! What’s going on here? Just take me back home, right now!” No sooner had he said this than Shun felt himself hurtling away at a velocity he had never before experienced.

  Now where am I? Wait, yes, this is my house. “Mom?” Shun rushed from room to room, looking for his mom. He found her in the Japanese-style room, next to the living room. Shun’s heart was pounding. “Mom?” He called her from behind, softly.

  She did not turn around for him.

  I’m well and truly dead now, aren’t I?

  Shun’s final hope was completely dashed. Downcast, he went around to stand in front of his mom so he could at least take a proper look at her face. She looked so sad and crushed in her black clothes. In his mind, Shun apologized to her. Mom, I’m so, so sorry I died …

  Between Shun and his mom a subtle breeze flowed. Her hand touched his body, the same body she apparently couldn’t see because it wasn’t there. And Shun felt the same warmth he used to feel back when he was very small, when his mom gave him a cuddle.

  Shun’s dad came in from the living room. “Hi. What are you doing?”

  “Somehow,” replied Shun’s mom, “I feel Shun’s in here.”

  “Shun’s always with us. Always.”

  Shun wasn’t sure quite what to think of this. I’m dead and gone, but my feelings are the same as they ever were. I want to help Mom and Dad, but there’s nothing I can do. Shun shut his eyes, and in the same instant he was flying away at an astonishing speed.

  Shun was back in the place called Heaven. Space was really quiet. All alone, Shun drifted away in his thoughts. He didn’t know what to think about himself anymore. He had never imagined that after he died he would be so utterly alone. I wish there was somebody here I could talk to. Then he heard something. What’s that sound? Shun listened, intently. It was a boy’s voice. Shun called, “Is there anybody out there?”

  “You must be the new one, right? Hi. I’m Kazuo.”

  Shun was delighted. “Brilliant! I thought there was nobody but me.”

  “You can’t make us out yet, but there are as many people around here as there are stars,” said Kazuo. “If you wish it, you’ll be able to talk to us—any of us—whenever you want. This world is beyond time, outside of space. Here is perfect freedom. I’ve been living here in Heaven for eighty years, y’know.”

  “I don’t know what to do here,” said Shun. “You say we have perfect freedom, but actually … there’s nothing here.”

  Kazuo just laughed. “You ought to do the things you couldn’t do when you were still alive.” With that, Kazuo slipped away somewhere.

  So I ought to do the things I can only do now that I’m dead … At that point, numberless lights wrapped around Shun, comforting him like a shimmering blanket. It was like being rocked in a cradle, and at long last, all the tension Shun had felt up to that point began to ebb away. For the first time in many days, Shun fell asleep.

  Shun was getting used to life in Heaven now, and he had made a lot of friends, as Kazuo had said. Everyone was kind, and there were no barriers of language, ethnicity or era. People lived so peacefully here that it was difficult to believe how much they had fought and quarrelled when they were alive. Shun had never dreamed that owning nothing could be so blissful. He had also, by now, done many of the things that he couldn’t during his lifetime. He’d visited every corner of the Earth. He’d spoken with many people in Heaven. Everything was fresh and exciting.

  Sometimes Shun visited his parents’ home too. It was sad that he couldn’t speak with them directly, but it made him happy just to see their faces and listen to them talk about him. This was enough for Shun to stay brave and go on.

  It was on a day like this when Shun was visiting his home that his mom looked strange. She was miserable, and didn’t seem to be eating. Staring at the photograph of her son, tears were in her eyes. “Shun, I don’t think I can go on living like this, without you here. I want to be where you are.” Saying this, she collapsed on the table, facedown and weeping.

  Shaken, Shun too started to cry. But I thought she was getting over my death. I thought it was all going to be okay. “Don’t cry, Mom. Mom, please. Don’t.” Ever so gently, Shun hugged her shoulders. I’m invisible, she doesn’t know I’m here. Shun’s mom kept crying until it got dark, and he stayed by her side.

  On his return to Heaven, Shun thought about his parents every single day. I was sure that at some point things would return to normal for Mo
m and Dad. But it looks as if their grief will last for the rest of their lives. And although I can be with them, there’s nothing I can do to help them. Shun was sinking into despair. Well, there’s nothing else for it. It’s time I asked God for help. Shun called out in a loud voice: “God? I’ve got a favor to ask!”

  Shimmering out of the mist, God materialized. “I believe you called.”

  “My parents are still mourning my death, but there’s nothing I can do for them, and it’s just … unbearable.”

  God nodded as he listened. “Well, I do understand how you must be feeling. Thing is, that’s life, isn’t it? But your mom and dad will be able to see you again here, when their own numbers are up.”

  Shun understood God’s words, but he still didn’t feel any better. “It’s too much for my parents to bear, though. And it’s impossible for me to live happily here in Heaven, knowing the pain that my parents are going through!” Shun found he was almost shouting.

  “Mmm … it is a tricky one. Nowhere’s as pleasant as Heaven …” God was deep in thought. “Well, I’m not saying there isn’t a way to help your parents.” He then told Shun something quite unexpected. “Namely, being born to your parents as their child once again.”

  Hearing this, Shun’s heart leapt with joy. “Really? Can you honestly do that?” His voice was ragged with excitement and his heart beat faster. If this can really happen, I’ll go back to them right now.

  But, as if reading Shun’s mind, God quickly went on: “There is, however, one small catch.” God looked Shun straight in the eye. “Once you are born, you won’t be Shun any longer. All your memories of Shun, of being Shun, will cease to exist.”