by Michael Dahl
The
EVERYTHING®
KIDS’
Joke
Book
Side-splitting, rib-tickling fun!
Michael Dahl
Copyright ©2001, F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews and photocopies made for classroom use.
An Everything® Series Book.
Everything® and everything.com® are registered trademarks of F+W Media, Inc.
Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefeld Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-58062-686-6
ISBN 13: 978-1-58062-686-6
Printed by RR Donnelley, Owensville, MO, US
10 9 8
November 2010
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Dahl, Michael.
The everything kids’ joke book / Michael Dahl.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-58062-686-6
1. Wit and humor, Juvenile. [1. Jokes. 2. Riddles.] I. Title.
PN6163.D34 2001
818’.602—dc21 2001022047
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
— From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted
by a Committee of the American Bar Association
and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
Cover illustrations by Joseph Sherman.
Interior illustrations by Kurt Dolber.
Puzzles by Beth Blair.
Series editor: Cheryl Kimball
Puzzle Power Software by Centron Software Technologies, Inc. was used to create puzzle grids.
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, call 1-800-289-0963.
See the entire Everything® series at everything.com.
Dedication
To Danny Thomas for laughing in all the right places
Acknowledgments
Just as Dante had his famous Three Ladies who guided him through his Divine Comedy, I had three marvelous women who escorted me through my considerably more down-to-earth comical venture: Kathleen Baxter who pointed the way, Jeanne Hanson who opened the door, and Cheryl Kimball who polished everything up nice and shiny. Grazie, ladies.
Hats off to my witty friends and family who shared a few of their favorite jokes, gags, and silly stories: Gene and Shirley Dahl, Gerry Thomas, Matthew and Alex Rooney, Kyle and Nathaniel Thomas, Thom Melcher, Kurt Larson, Kevin McLaughlin, Jon Mikkelsen, and Jimmy Fairburn.
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Jokes, Gags, Puns, and More!
Monster Mania
Sickos
What’s Gnu?
Crazy Colors (or Hue Must Be Nuts!)
Computer Wonks
Tom and Tina Swifties
Didja Hear?
Larry and Luna
School Jokes
Quickies
Outta This World
Professor Fruitcake
Hinky-Pinkys
Ring the Doorbell! (Knock Knock Jokes)
Jurassic Pork
Gross!
How’s Business?
Having a Ball
Video Quips (Punny Names)
Gags and Giggles
The World’s Seven Best Limericks
Signs on the Dotty Line
Laughing Stock
Pundemonium
Nuts from the Family Tree
You Know You’re a Loser When
Spoonerisms
Nun of That
Way-Out Out West (Cowboy Jokes)
Money Is only Paper
A Nutty Crime
Classic One-Liners
Medical Marvels
Tongue Twisters
In the Bag
Burma-Shave: The Unknown Comic with an Edge
The Nickname Game
Goofballs
Watt’s the Problem? (Light Bulb Jokes)
Anything for a Laugh
Elephant Jokes
Join the Laugh Riot Squad: Anecdotes and Advice for Would-be Comedians
Be a Standup Comedian
Slapstick
Carry a Big Shtick
The Sight Gag
Parody
A Humor Quiz
Glossary
Puzzle Answers
Index
Introduction
Humans are the only creatures on this planet who laugh. Oh sure, hyenas make a funny bark that may sound like a laugh. Grade B movies and sitcoms show chimpanzees and dolphins laughing at their silly human costars. But people are the only animals that giggle, chuckle, titter, guffaw, belly laugh, chortle, and yuck. Have you ever known a hamster who snickers at an elephant joke? Or a Rottweiler who appreciates a well-thrown custard pie in his face? Didn’t think so.
Besides loving to laugh, we also like making other people laugh. Who hasn’t enjoyed being the center of attention, even if only for a few seconds, after you’ve told a truly terrific joke? Well, this book has tons of them—jokes, howlers, groaners, puns, witty retorts, and practical gags. It also has advice on how to tell a joke, how to create your own jokes, how to do standup comedy, and reveals inside information (and secrets) of the world’s greatest comedians.
One more thing. This book is not to be read in the silence of your bedroom or favorite hiding place. Carry it with you at all times, read it out loud, underline the best parts, dog-ear the pages, share the jokes with all your friends.
Read, laugh, and be more funny!
Monster Mania
What kind of dog does Dracula have as a pet? A bloodhound.
What is the Mummy’s favorite music? Wrap.
Why did King Kong climb to the top of the
Empire State Building?
He was too big to use the elevator.
What sport do vampires like to watch? Bat-minton.
Why are most mummies vain and conceited? They’re all wrapped up in themselves.
Why did the dragon cough during the day? Because he smoked knights.
Why is Frankenstein such a good gardener? He has a green thumb.
Did you hear about the old vampire who kept his teeth in the freezer?
He gave his victims frostbite.
The little vampire could never gain weight.
His eating was all in vein.
Why does the mad scientist like to eat a hot dog with a glass of beer?
It’s a frank and stein.
Did you hear about the zombie hairdresser?
Each day she dyed on the job.
Why did the cheerleading squad move into the haunted house?
Because it’s got spirit!
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a firecracker?
Bamboo!
Did you hear about the two vampires who raced one another?
It was neck and neck.
Why are cannibals so popular?
I don’t know, but they always have lots of friends for lunch!
What did one casket say to the other casket?
“Is that you coffin?”
Hole In One
Fill in the missing letters in the words below. Then, copy the letter from each word into the box wit
h the same number. When you’re finished, you’ll get the answer to this riddle: What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o’-lantern? HINT: Be careful! Sometimes more than one letter can finish a word. Be sure each letter makes sense in the final answer.
What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o’-lantern?
__uppy
J__MP
LU__P
HAP__Y
SHAR__
SM LE
SA__D
SLOP__y
S__D
__UNA
__HURCH
C INA
What’s Dracula’s least favorite food?
A steak. It goes right through him and leaves a nasty case of heartburn.
How many dead people are in the graveyard?
All of them!
Sickos
What do beekeepers get? Hives.
What do airline pilots get? Flu.
What do computer geeks get? Slipped discs.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
What do firefighters get?
Water on the knee.
What do workers at McDonald’s get?
Fallen arches.
What do carpenters get?
Hangnail.
What do roofers get?
Shingles.
What do spies get?
See-sickness.
What do basketball players get?
Hooping cough.
What do watchmakers get?
All wound up!
What’s Gnu?
Mona: I had trouble with my horse yesterday. I wanted to go in one direction, and he wanted to go in another.
Sam: So how did you decide?
Mona: He tossed me for it.
Sam: I think my pet duck is broken.
Mona: Broken?
Sam: Yeah, he has a quack in him.
Jokin’ Around
Fowl Definitions
From the Dictionary for Bird-Brains
Hatchet—What a chicken does with its eggs.
Information—How geese fly.
Foul ball—An egg.
Crow bar—Where birds like to drink and hang out.
Mona: What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
Sam: A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Sam: I’d like to buy a bird.
Store Clerk: How about a talking mynah?
Sam: Sounds great!
Store Clerk: This one here is very talented.
She can talk in seven languages,
sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
and recite the Gettysburg Address.
Sam: Never mind that. Is she tender?
Rich Snob: I don’t like your bird, young man. Sam: Why not?
Rich Snob: Because every time I walk by, it says, “Cheap! Cheap!”
Why did the hen slide her eggs down the hill?
She loved playing with the children.
How much fur can you get from a skunk?
As fur as you possibly can!
How do you spell mousetrap with only three
letters?
C-A-T
Mona: What kind of pet can you stand on?
Sam: A car-pet.
Mona: What kind of pet makes the loudest noise?
Sam: A trumpet.
Mona: What kind of pet can help you write letters?
Sam: The alpha-pet.
Alex: Why is that dachshund sitting in the sun?
Amy: Because his owners like hot dogs.
Do you know how to raise rabbits?
Yes, by the scruff of their necks.
Sam: Wow! It’s raining cats and dogs.
Mona: How can you tell?
Sam: I just stepped in a poodle.
Sam: Have you ever seen a fish bowl?
Mona: Sure, lots of times.
Sam: How do they get their fins into those little holes?
Father Kangaroo: Why are you scratching?
Mother Kangaroo: The kids are eating crackers in bed again.
Sam: Can you name four members of the cat family?
Mona: Papa Cat, Mama Cat, and two kittens.
Mona: How did the pig write his name?
Sam: He used an oink-pen.
What did the leopard say after dinner?
“That hit just the right spots.”
Sam: Hey! Your dog bit my ankle.
Mona: Sorry, but that’s as high as he can reach.
Mona: How do you keep a wild elephant from charging?
Sam: Take away his credit card.
Why Oh Why?
Pick up words as the chicken walks from START to END. Write each word down in the order in which the chicken finds them, and you’ll end up with the answer to this riddle:
Why does a flamingo stand up on one leg?
Because if he pulled the other one up he’d fall over.
Mona: My pony sounds funny.
Sam: That’s because he’s a little hoarse.
Mona: Why do hummingbirds hum?
Sam: They don’t know the words.
What did the little kid say when he saw the peacock?
“Look, Ma, the chicken’s in bloom!”
Sam: I haven’t seen your pet chicken lately.
Mona: Well, this week she’s been laying low.
Punch line: the part of the joke that gets the laugh
The animal doctor is always busy as a bee! Take a gander at a few of his patients:
The leopard is seeing spots,
The kangaroo is feeling jumpy,
The goldfish is flushed,
The chameleon is looking green,
The woodpecker caught a bug,
The baby duckling has been getting a little down lately,
And the bullfrog is afraid he’s going to croak!
Crazy Colors (or Hue Must Be Nuts!)
What color is a marriage?
Wed.
What color is an echo?
YELL-oohhhhhhh!
What color is a ghost?
Boo.
What color is the wind?
Blew.
Computer Wonks
Why did the computer geek sell his cat?
He was afraid it would eat his mouse.
How do you contact Hercules by computer?
Send him he-mail.
What has a video screen, a keyboard, six legs, and plugs into the wall? A computer bug.
What do computer geeks eat for dessert?
Apple pie a la modem.
What color is a baby ghost?
Baby boo.
What color is a kitten’s meow?
Purr-ple.
What color is a soccer score?
Goaled!
What color is a police investigation?
Copper.
What color is a witch’s potion?
Bracken brew.
Did you hear about the geek who almost drowned?
He was surfing the Web and got bumped off.
Jokin’ Around
Totally Buggy
Computer Viruses to Watch Out For:
The Disney Virus
The screen starts acting Goofy.
The Titanic Virus
Everything goes down.
The Diet Virus
The computer quits after just one byte.
The Las Vegas Virus
Users have to turn in their chips.
The Divorce Virus
Your motherboard stops
talking to your data.
Nerd: Why is my computer screen all wet?
Dweeb: I was trying to send e-mail, but the stamps kept sliding off!
Did you hear about the guy who flunked technical college?
He can only operate nincomputers.
Nerd: How many bytes are in your software program?
Dweeb: I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve finished eating it.
Mother: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Karl: My PC says
it can’t see my printer.
Mother: I’m not surprised. Look how messy your room is!
Nerd: Do you have a cursor on your computer?
Dweeb: I’ll say! You should just hear the words my dad uses when the computer goes down!
Nerd: What’s wrong with your keyboard?
Dweeb: Myspacebarseemstobestuck.
You heard about the computer scientist who spends half his time directing the town’s orchestra?
He’s a semi-conductor.
“Of course I know how to copy disks …
Where’s the Xerox machine?”
If at first you don’t succeed … call it version 1.0.
What was the world’s first computer?
An Apple. Eve gave one to Adam.
What are the three main parts of a printer?
The power cord, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking light.
“My computer is almost human.”
“What do you mean?”
“When it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”
I had a rotten day at work today. My computer broke down and I had to think all day long.
Tom and Tina Swifties