by Michael Dahl
Astronomer: It’s looking up.
Submarine pilot: It has its ups and downs.
Oil rigger: Boring.
Tree doctor: Knot Two bad.
Carpenter: It’s leveling off.
Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients.
Roofer: Customers are sliding off.
Boat racer: Sails are dropping.
Minister: Prophets are increasingly read.
Farmer: The field keeps growing.
Air traffic controller: Can’t come, plane!
Model: The figures aren’t all in yet.
Aerobics instructor: I’m reducing the bottom line.
How was King Henry VIII different from normal husbands?
He married his wives first, and axed them after.
There was a young monk of Siberia
Who of fasting grew wearia and wearia,
Till one day with a yell
He escaped from his cell
And devoured the Father Superia.
Beekeeper: Business is humming.
Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire.
Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist.
Miner: Roughly carving out a living.
Highway worker: A bit bumpy.
Ballet dancer: Keeps me on my toes.
Teacher: Sorry, but that’s classified information!
Jokin’ Around
The Money Drop, or The Buck Doesn’t Stop Here
Take out a crisp 1-dollar bill and hold it in your right hand. Let it hang down from your thumb and forefinger. Place the fingers and thumb of your left hand loosely around the bill without touching it. Let go of the bill with your right hand and catch it in your left hand. Don’t grab it until the right hand has completely let go.
Show this little movement to your friends and bet them they can’t catch the bill.
Again, hold the bill in your right hand. Let them (one at a time, of course) place their left hand loosely around the hanging bill. Tell them to catch the bill after you let go. Say, “If you can catch the falling bill, it’s yours to keep.”
They can’t do it!
Why? In the time it takes your friends’ eyeballs to register that the bill is falling, and for their brain to send out a second message to their hands telling them to grab, the bill has already dropped from their grasp. Gravity works too fast in this case, faster than human reflexes.
The reason you are able to catch the bill is because your brain knows when you are about to release the bill. Your friends, however, don’t have that “insider” information.
Tips: The bill should be crisp. If it is not new, fold a crease in the bill lengthwise.
Instruct your friends not to grab the bill until they see you let go.
After practicing this trick, try it with a 10- or 20-dollar bill (if you dare!).
Having a Ball
What has 18 legs, spits, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Why did the football coach rip apart the pay telephone?
He was trying to get his quarterback.
Which football team travels with the most luggage?
The Packers.
What dessert should basketball players never eat?
Turnovers.
Which college team has the tallest players?
O-HIGH-O State.
Fullback: I’m sick, Coach. The doctor says I can’t play football.
Coach: I don’t need a doctor to tell me that!
Why is bowling cheaper than playing golf?
Because in bowling, no matter how badly you play, you can never lose the ball!
“What do you call your dad when he water skis in the winter?”
“A Popsicle.”
“What does your mom call him?”
“Crazy!”
“Did you hear about the scuba diver who heard music underwater?”
“Was it a singing fish?”
“No, a coral group.”
A college star fullback played with his team for 12 years!
He could run and tackle—he just couldn’t pass.
What do you call a basketball player’s pet chicken?
A personal fowl.
What do you get when a soccer player kicks a duck?
Someone who foots the bill.
Did you hear about the football coach who got his teeth knocked out?
He was showing a new player how to kick the ball. He held it on the ground and said, “Now when I nod my head, kick it!”
Golfer: Young man, why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddie: This isn’t a watch. It’s a compass!
Did you hear about the billionaire who bought his kid 10 new golf clubs?
Each of them comes with a swimming pool and a private parking lot.
What is the quietest sport in the world?
Bowling. You can hear a pin drop.
What’s the noisiest sport in the world?
Tennis. There’s always a racket on the court.
Why is a baseball stadium such a cool place to be?
It’s full of fans!
Did you hear about the quarterback who beat up his receiver every morning?
The quarterback gets up at six, and the receiver gets up at seven.
Golfer: Boy, the traps on this golf course are sure annoying.
Pro: I’ll say, so would you please shut yours?
I heard there was a baseball team that won without ever putting a man on base.
Yeah, it was an all-girl team!
Angry Golfer: You must be the world’s worst caddy!
Caddy: Oh no, that would be too much of a coincidence.
“There are two things the golf pro will not eat for breakfast.”
“Really, what are they?”
“Lunch and dinner.”
Why didn’t the golfer wear his new shoes on the course today?
Because yesterday he got a hole in one.
Little Rosie was telling her friend about all the places her family had lived. “We must have lived in ten different towns since I was a baby.” Her friend was impressed and asked, “Is your dad a minister or in the Army?” “Neither,” said Rosie, “he’s a football coach.”
A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals. The younger boy thought he’d play his first game. He watched all the older boys tee off, and then stepped up to hit the ball.
“ONE!” he yelled, as he swung at the ball.
His brother rolled his eyes and said, “Why didn’t you yell ‘Fore’ like the rest of us?”
The boy said, “You aim at whichever hole you want, I’m trying to hit the first one.”
A mother brought her daughter to the golf course for the first time.
“What are those guys doing over there?” she asked her mother.
“They’re checking out the sand traps.”
“Cool, let’s go see if they caught any.”
Caddie: Here’s a lost ball I found out on the course.
Boss: How do you know it was lost?
Caddie: Because they were still looking for it when I left.
Golfer: Any idea how I could cut about ten strokes off my game?
Caddie: Yeah, quit on the seventeenth hole.
Video Quips (Punny Names)
Car Wars
directed by Otto Mobile
Cliff Hanger
directed by Ben Dover and Hugo First
I Was a Teenage Werewolf
directed by Anita Shave
Under the Bleachers
directed by Seymour Butts
Summer Vacation
directed by Sandy Beech
Explode!
directed by Adam Bomm
The Fortune Teller
directed by Horace Cope
Escape from New York
directed by Willy Makit
Escape from New York, Part Two
directed by Betty Will
Saved by the Bell
directed by Justin Tyme
>
Jokin’ Around
The Expanding Envelope
Tell your friends that you can walk through an envelope. That’s right! Through an envelope. No one will believe you, but that’s never stopped you before.
First, seal your envelope. Next, using scissors, carefully cut the envelope along the lines shown below. Cut into the body of the envelope and the sides … NOT the ends.
You will be able to carefully unfold your cut envelope into a much larger hoop. Step through the hoop. See, you’ve done it again!
Seeing Dead People
directed by Freyda Thudark
Who Wants To be a Zillionaire?
directed by Sherwood B. Nice.
The Pizza Guy
directed by Ann Chovey
Scary Movie
directed by Hans Archer Throte
Incredible Airplane Crashes!
directed by Isaac DeMye Stumick
Rock-and-Roll Prom
directed by Tristan Shout
The Last Video Game
directed by Joyce Tick
King of Comedy
directed by Shirley U. Jest
Lost Treasure
directed by Barry Deep
The Ghost Screams at Midnight
directed by Waylon Mone
Night of the Cat Burglar
directed by Jimmy DeLock
Dinosaur Park
directed by Tara Dacktill
Revenge of the Mad Cow
directed by I. C. Hanz
Chickens Run
directed by Iona Farm
Return of the Zombies
directed by Doug Moregraves
All Those Dogs!
directed by Hunter and Juan del Mayshuns
Gags and Giggles
The dim-witted terrorist was sent out to blow up a car. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Two boys went to the movies. After the film had already started, they both got up and walked to the concession stand for some popcorn and soda pop. When they walked back into the darkened theater, one of the boys said to a man sitting on the aisle, “Excuse me, sir, but did we step on your toes on the way out?”
“You certainly did,” said the man.
The boy turned to his friend and said, “Okay, this is our row.”
There was the poor shoe salesman who had pulled out half of his stock, trying to find the perfect shoe for a young girl.
“Do you mind if I sit and rest a moment?” he asked her. “Your feet are killing me.”
Gag: a laugh-provoking remark, trick, or prank
A snooty young woman was put off by a man begging for money.
“Are you satisfied walking the streets like this and asking for handouts?”
“No, ma’am,” said the beggar. “I wish I could use a car.”
Harry and his friends went deer hunting one fall. The first morning they all split up and disappeared into the woods. After lunch, Harry spotted one of his friends coming out of the woods.
“Where’s the rest of the guys?” asked Harry, excitedly.
“They’re at the cabin,” said his friend.
“All of them?” asked Harry.
“Yeah, all of them.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Harry, I’m sure,” said his friend. “Why do you keep asking?”
Harry had a big smile. “Boy, is that a relief. That means I shot a deer!”
Once the flood was over, Noah opened up the Ark and released all the animals back onto dry land. After the last animal had bounded off to freedom, Noah trudged wearily inside the ship to start the long chore of cleaning up. To his surprise, he noticed two snakes coiled up in a corner.
“Why are you two still here?” asked Noah.
One of the snakes answered, “Well, sir, you told us to go forth and multiply.”
“Yes, indeed,” said Noah.
“We can’t multiply,” said the snake. “We’re adders.”
A vampire took a vacation on a cruise ship. The headwaiter asked if he’d like to check out their menu.
“No thanks,” said the vampire. “But do you have a passenger list?”
Gretchen: Why are you feeding your chickens boiled water?
Karl: I want them to lay boiled eggs.
Max: There’s just one thing that would make you look even better than you do now.
Dot: What’s that?
Max: Distance.
Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft?
When he gained consciousness he yelled, “I said UP!”
Rosie: Do you think my painting is any good?
Bill: In a way.
Rosie: What kind of way?
Bill: Away off.
A fellow walks into a hotel and asks for a room.
“We don’t have any rooms,” said the clerk. “We’re full up.”
“But I’ve been to every other hotel in this town,” said the man. “They’re all full. Are you sure you don’t have any room somewhere?”
“I already told you,” said the clerk. “No available room.”
The man thought a moment then said, “If I were the president of the United States would you have a room for me?”
“Yes,” said the clerk. “If you were the president.”
“Well, give me his room, then,” said the man, “Because he’s not coming.”
Did you hear about the rich kid whose father told him, “Son, I’m sorry, but tomorrow I need the limousine and chauffeur for work.”
“But, Pop,” said the kid, “how will I get to school?”
“Like every other normal kid in America,” said the father. “You’ll take a cab.”
A prisoner on his way to the electric chair was asked if he had any last requests.
“I’d like some strawberries,” says the prisoner.
“Strawberries?” says the guard. “They’re not in season for six months yet.”
The prisoner says, “Fine. I’ll wait.”
“We saw the Grand Canyon in ten days.”
“That’s a long vacation.”
“Yeah, it took us five days to drive through and another five to refold the maps.”
How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
“Are you sure you’ve ridden a horse before?”
“Oh yes.”
“Then what kind of saddle would you like?
With a horn or without?”
“I’ll take the one without a horn. I doubt if I’ll run into much traffic.”
You heard what Noah told his son when they went fishing?
“Easy on the bait, son, we only have two worms.”
A newspaper reporter was interviewing a gnarled, wrinkled, white-haired farmer as he sat quietly rocking on his front porch.
“Sir,” said the reporter. “I’d like to know the secret of your long life.”
“Well, son,” replied the farmer. “I drink a gallon of whisky, smoke ten cigars, and stay out partying every night of the week.”
“That’s amazing,” said the reporter. “And how old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
Jokin’ Around
Bottom’s Up
Bet your friends or family that you can drink from a soda pop can without opening it or tampering with it in any way. They’ll think you’re nuts! But you can prove them wrong.
Take a soda pop can and then turn it over. All aluminum pop cans have a slight indentation on the bottom. You can easily fill this indentation with water (or with pop from a different can). You’ll be able to sip your drink from the can’s bottom without opening it or tampering with it.
Tip: When making the bet, be sure to tell them that you will “drink from a can” and not “drink out of a can.” The words are important. Say the wrong thing and your friends and family can trip you up, and you’ll be forced to eat—or drink—your own words!
Mother: Honey, ask the butcher if he has calf’s tongue.
Jimmy: Why ask? I’ll
just wait until he opens his mouth and look.
Mother (looking at the meat display): Jimmy, can you tell if the butcher has pickled pig’s feet?
Jimmy: No, I can’t. He’s wearing shoes.
“Did you hear the news? They rescued a man from the swamp this morning whose foot was bitten off by an alligator!”
“Which one?”
“Who knows? All alligators look the same.”
Have you heard about that new dog food?
It tastes like a mail carrier.
A rookie cop got bawled out by his sergeant after working his first stakeout.
“How could you let that crook escape?” yelled the sergeant. “I told you to keep an eye on all the exits.”
“I did, Sarge. He must have gone out one of the entrances.”
Did you hear about the weirdo who went to see a movie at the drive-in theater called Closed for Repairs?
The World’s Seven Best Limericks
There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And came back on the previous night.
There was a young fellow of Crete
Who was so exceedingly neat,
When he got out of bed
He stood on his head
To make sure of not soiling his feet.
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I’m told,
‘Bout that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
Limerick: a light or humorous verse with a specific rhythm and rhyme scheme