Bobby opened the door and stepped out. “Sarah?” When there was no answer he started walking down the stairs. “Sarah?” There was no sound at all. Bobby kept descending down the stairs. He was almost all the way down to the bottom when he heard a crash in the kitchen. “Sarah?”
There was scuttling coming from the kitchen. “Out of my way…he’s mine!” It was a voice he’d never heard before.
“No…I want him.” The woman’s voice sounded nothing like Sarah.
A kid screamed, “Leave some for me!”
He could hear them fighting to get through the kitchen. Bobby looked for a way out. The kitchen was closer to the front door than he was. So Bobby turned and made a hasty retreat up the stairs. Seconds later he heard three people running up behind him. Bobby ran into the exercise room, and slammed the door shut. He ran to the window and opened it. His pursuers kicked in the door behind him. Bobby dove through the screen and rolled down the roof. He stopped himself just before he fell off the ledge.
A man stuck his head out. He was black and bald with Lizbeth tattooed along the right side of his neck, and Dez tattooed on the left side of his neck. “Get your pasty ass back in here.”
Bobby ran along the roof. His towel slipped off and Bobby started to try to go back for it, but then he saw the man coming out of the roof to get him. He was followed by a large black woman that he could only assume was Lizbeth because she had Marlon tattooed on one boob, and Dez tattooed on the other. The man pushed the woman and screamed, “He’s mine!” He then turned and tried to run after Bobby.
That’s when the Lizbeth shoved the man off the roof. “Sorry Marlon! You’re still my Boo, but it’s first come first serve, and I’m starving.”
Marlon rolled down the slope of the roof, and then dropped off the edge. “You bitch!”
*Thump*
“I broke my leg!” Marlon screamed.
“Sorry Boo. I’ll save you the gizzard.” Lizbeth screamed as she waddled herself along the roof.
“People ain’t got no gizzards.” Marlon groaned.
Lizbeth laughed, “I know…so I guess you’re just shit out of luck.”
Marlon screamed, “Bitch!”
Bobby ran along the slope of the house searching for an open window. The roofing tiles were already getting hot from the sun, and they were so rough that it hurt his feet. “Oh look at that white boy run. You’d think we were having a blizzard by the look of your tiny dangler there.” Lizbeth taunted.
“I’m a grower…not a shower!” Bobby screamed over his shoulder. He saw an open window and was just about to dive in, when a young black teen leapt out the window right at him. “Oh fuck!” Bobby screamed and jumped straight up in the air. The kid’s forehead hit Bobby right in the testicles and turned the older man for a loop. Bobby crashed down on top of Dez facing back to back. Dez’s momentum carried him down the tile, and Bobby went with him. Bobby’s hands scrambled to find something to stop his momentum, but they both went right off the roof and slammed into the barbeque Sarah bought her husband last Christmas. The impact would have killed Bobby if he hadn’t landed on top of the young man. Instead he just had the wind knocked out of him. Dez’s sternum shattered, and six of his ribs broke.
“Dezzy! Mama’s coming!”
Bobby’s eyes snapped open in time to see a very large fat black woman leaping off the roof. Her cheap weave fluttered in the wind as she fell like a piano from a Warner Brothers cartoon. Bobby screamed, and rolled off of Dez. He hit the ground with an audible thump. He wasn’t complaining though, because when Lizbeth landed on the top of the barbeque, it caved in. Metal squealed as it deformed, and there was an audible pop as Dez’s spine snapped.
Bobby got to his feet. Lizbeth was already climbing off her son. “Look what you did to my son!”
“What I did? I didn’t do that. You did that! Twinkies helped.” Bobby grabbed a lawn chair and smashed it over her head. He dropped the chair legs and started running. “Ow! Ow! Fucking stickers!” Bobby hopped and high-stepped his way towards the front of the house.
“Get your cracker ass back here!” Marlon screamed as he lumbered around. The man’s leg was bent outward, and the foot was twisted backwards. It barely supported the man, and every time he shifted his weight onto that leg he gave a quick hop to get back to his good leg.
“It’s Coonass! Ow! Colton’s gardener needs a swift…OW…kick in the balls!” Bobby kept hopping and jumping because of the stickers. He tiptoed as quickly as he could into the house. It was the part of his feet that wasn’t already throbbing from the sharp burrs imbedded into his feet. Bobby turned into the kitchen and sat down on the kitchen island so that he could pick the burrs out of his feet. The door was already laying on the floor. “I need some fucking shoes.”
“I’m gonna kill that cracker!” Marlon screamed as he came up the stairs.
“Look what he made me do to Dez!” Lizbeth yelled.
“I got stickers in my Jimmy.” Dez grumbled.
Bobby got the last of the stickers out of his feet. He jumped down and ran back out of the kitchen. On the way he pulled a frying pan off its hook, and then he slipped down the hallway towards the living room. He was almost there when Marlon appeared at the end of the hallway yelling, “I got your cracker ass!”
“I told you…it’s Coonass!” Bobby yelled.
“Crackerass…Coonass…you white people all look alike to me so who gives a shit?” Marlon muttered.
Bobby panicked and made a wrong turn. He ducked into Sarah’s writing room instead of the living room, and then slammed the door behind him. There was a table, a desk, a laptop, and a wastebasket. She had pictures of her and Colton’s vacations on all the walls. He could see Colton skiing. There was a picture of Colton about to go skydiving. Bobby couldn’t help but think that Colton had a whole second life that Bobby knew nothing about. There was even a large photo of Colton in a speedo getting ready to go snorkeling. The disturbing image was burned into Bobby’s retinas. The fat little ginger hadn’t taken care of all his grooming issues, and red pubic hair poked out on both sides of the speedo. The only good thing about the picture was that Sarah was in a skimpy bikini draped all over him.
He heard Marlon getting closer. There wasn’t anywhere to go. Sarah had even had the room built without a window so she’d have no distractions. Bobby reached over to pick up Sarah’s computer, but then grabbed the wastebasket instead. She was always working on a new book. He thought how it might upset her to have her work destroyed, so he grabbed the much flimsier wastebasket.
Marlon slammed both forearms against the door, and it was tore off the hinges. Marlon waddled in. “I got your crackerass!”
Bobby slammed the open end of the wastebasket over the man’s head, and snaked his way around him. “I told you…my name is Coonass!” The man swung both arms viciously at Bobby’s head. They crashed into the wall. The lights flickered and then went off in the whole house. Bobby looked down the hallway. He considered running back through the front door, but by then Lizbeth was waddling towards him, and her son Dez crawled behind her. “Shit.”
Bobby spun and was going to head toward the living room instead when Marlon grabbed him by the shoulder. “I got you!”
“Bam!” Bobby screamed as he swung the frying pan. There was a loud bong as it connected with Marlon’s face. The man stumbled back into Sarah’s office. “Kick it up a notch!” Bobby turned and ran laughing into the living room, and then from there he scrambled up the stairs to Colton’s bedroom.
“Oh…you thought that was funny motherfucker!” Marlon was back onto his feet. Bloody teeth fell out of his mouth and rattled on the floor. “You think you’re just a regular Emeril Laggasse motherfucker! You wait until I catch you. I’m gonna shove an apple in your ass and bake you like chicken!”
“Gee…a black man liking chicken…what are the odds?” Bobby screamed.
“You racist motherfucker!” Carl roared.
Bobby ran around Sarah’s bed screaming, “I’m
sorry…did I offend the man trying to eat me? How about you come up here and let me massage the tension away with a sensual frying pan beat down. I’ll cook you up some fried whoop-ass!” Bobby could hear them all coming up the stairs. He went into Colton’s closet. “Shit.” The gun safe was locked. “What good is a gun safe if you can’t get into it.”
Bobby stepped out of Colton’s closet. There wasn’t anything in the house that he could really use as a weapon. If he could get out to the storage barn in the back yard then he could probably find something to fight them off with. Of course there were two problems. The first being that he’d have to run barefoot across two hundred yards of sticker-filled backyard, and the second being that they were about to come in through the door. Bobby tried to open the window to go back outside, but the windows had child safety locks on them that only let them open so wide. “They baby-proofed the bedroom? What the fuck?”
Bobby saw two pink fluffy slippers beside the bed. They were little pink unicorns. “Wear the faggy little unicorn slippers and live, or go barefoot and die.” Bobby hesitated as he tried to decide on whether to wear the slippers or not. “Fuck it!” Bobby snarled as he slipped on the pink unicorns. Marlon and his family were pushing through the door.
“We got you now you squirrelly son of a bitch!” Lizbeth screamed.
Bobby threw the frying pan at Marlon. It whirled through the air and slammed into the bridge of his nose. Marlon’s left eye socket shattered, and his eyeball slowly slid out until it was dangling from his face. Marlon growled, “Oh this is bullshit!”
Bobby was out of weapons, and out of time. In desperation he reached into Sarah’s end table, and pulled out the king of all vibrators. It had a rotating head, nine speeds, and when he accidently turned it on, it writhed like an angry snake.
Marlon started laughing, “What are you gonna do with that thing?” Bobby reached down one more time and pulled out a large bottle of sex lube. Marlon doubled over laughing, “Oh shit! We’re really fucked now!” Lizbeth and Dez both started laughing.
Bobby opened the lid and started pouring the lube all over his body. It only made the three zombies laugh even harder. Bobby didn’t pay them any attention. Instead he just reached back into the desk and pulled out every other lube and body oil he could find. He reached in one last time and pulled out some anal beads. “Eww!” He threw them away, and they landed on Lizbeth like a necklace.
“Get this nasty shit off me!” Lizbeth tossed them on the floor.
Bobby made a desperate attempt at escape. He ran directly at the family, and at the last second he jumped at the space between Marlon and Lizbeth. Both zombies grabbed at him, but their hands just slipped on the lube. Bobby sailed over Dez, hit the floor, and slid into the handrail. The wood spokes that attached to the handrail snapped, and Bobby’s momentum carried him right on out into open space. He dropped almost straight down. He crashed onto Sarah’s couch. The frame snapped and gave way, but the soft padded cushions kept him from breaking anything. Instead of being crippled, Bobby was thrown back up into the air, and he went crashing through the coffee table.
Bobby was sore, but he didn’t waste any time. The man rolled out from the kindling that used to be a table. He started getting to his feet when Lizbeth jumped from the second floor railing. She crashed onto the broken couch, but she was so heavy that she didn’t bounce. Bobby was on top of her immediately. He took the vibrator and rammed it into her left eye. Lizbeth screamed as the eyeball burst like an overfilled water balloon. Bobby yanked the vibrator back and rammed it into the other eye. Lizbeth howled, “Help me Marlon! I can’t see.”
“I’m coming Lizbeth.” Marlon leaned out let his body fall from the railing. Bobby rolled off the fat black woman just in time to hear the crash of flesh as Marlon slammed into her. The impact was so violent, that it crushed the woman’s ribs, and blood spurted out of her mouth and eye sockets like a water fountain.
“Kick his ass baby!” Lizbeth gurgled. Blood bubbled and frothed down the sides of her mouth with each word.
Bobby was up and sprinting for the hallway that lead to the front door. Marlin was shambling after him. As Bobby went out the front door, he heard a long series of thumps as Dez rolled down the stairs. Bobby ran as hard as the fluffy slippers would let him. When he got to the barn the slippers were covered in stickers. He opened the door and slipped inside.
There was a mid-sized tractor with mower underneath that Bobby could raise and lower using hydraulics. There were other attachments that could be connected onto the back of the tractor. Bobby gave a quick look at the tools, and decided to grab himself a shovel. Then he went back to the tractor attachments. He didn’t have much time, so he decided to grab the only thing light enough for him to move easily. He attached the drill that normally got used to dig holes for fence posts, and then he grabbed the keys.
His pursuers were making their way to the barn. Dez was only halfway to the building, and the more he crawled, the more he cursed about the stickers getting imbedded in his hands and lower body. Lizbeth was three quarters of the way there. Blood poured out from her mouth. She was blind but still able to follow the screams and yells of her husband. Marlon was closest at twenty feet from the barn doors. “Give it up. We got your crackerass trapped now!”
“I told you…my name is COONASS!” Bobby yelled back as he twisted the key. The tractor roared to life. He threw it in gear and drove right for the closed barn doors. The John Deere burst through the double doors and drove straight for Marvin.
“Oh shit!” Marlon turned and started shuffling away. “Run Lizbeth!”
“That’s right…chase me now motherfucker!” Bobby laughed as he accelerated.
The tractor ran over Marlon. Bobby raised the mower blade as high as possible, and then when he had it positioned over Marlon he began lowering it. The man screamed as the dual blades came down and began chopping the man to tiny shreds. Blood and flesh sprayed in all directions as Bobby kept lowering the blade down. The blade went as low as he could make it, and when he raised it back up the only thing still intact was the man’s head and one arm. “I just hate when I miss a spot.” Bobby pulled forward and then lowered the blades again. There was a meaty thump when the blade made contact. Marlin’s head was diced into tiny bits and sprayed everywhere.
“Next!” Bobby screamed at Lizbeth. He threw the tractor in reverse and started backing towards her. The giant post hole digger began spinning faster and faster. Lizbeth heard the tractor and ran, but didn’t get far. The drill knocked her down, and then Bobby flipped the switch that lowered the hydraulics. The drill bit went through Lizbeth’s chest. Bobby raised the hydraulics, and Lizbeth was lifted off the ground. Blood poured out of her.
“Leave my Mama alone!” Dez howled as he crawled faster.
“Aw…don’t be mad. I’m not the first guy that drilled your mamma.” Bobby taunted. Then he looked back down at Lizbeth, “But I sure as shit will be the last.”
“Kill…you!” Lizbeth groaned as blood bubbled out from her mouth and chest. The sex toy was still twisting and turning in her eye socket.
Bobby threw the drill in reverse and Lizbeth started spinning on the drill. Blood went everywhere. “Round and round she goes…where she stops nobody knows!” Bobby laughed and then shut off the drill. Lizbeth’s momentum caused her to twist her way back down the drill until she came off the end with a wet sucking sound.
“Mama!” Dez screamed.
The tractor adjusted its position and the drill began spinning again. Bobby lowered it down until the drill went through her head and sank into the ground three feet. Brain and bits of bone were tossed around along with shreds of plastic and latex from the sex toy. Bobby reversed the drill, and blood started filling the hole in the ground. “Two down…one to go!” Bobby threw it in drive and aimed for Dez.
“Oh shit.” Dez turned and started crawling away as quickly as he could. Bobby slowed the tractor down until it was barely a crawl.
“I’ll tell you what. If
you stop crawling right now then I’ll just hit you with a shovel until you’re dead.” Bobby said.
“Fuck you!” Dez screamed. He made it to the front yard when Bobby finally got tired of chasing him and instead just accelerated a little so that he could park the back tire onto Dez’s legs.
The young man screamed and yelled as he tried to get away. So Bobby just kept driving the tractor up the young man’s legs, over his butt, and then up his back until the rear tire was right between his shoulders. The weight of the tractor pushed everything up through Dez’s body like he was a toothpaste tube. Blood, stomach acid, and pulped internal organs squirted out through his mouth and nose. Bobby hopped down, swung the shovel over his shoulder, and then walked to the front of the tractor. “Shit…you look like a frog on a highway.”
“F-f-f-fuck…y-y-y-you!”
Bobby laughed, “Does your mama know you talk like that?” When Dez started crying Bobby taunted, “Too soon?”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Dez started flailing his arms as he tried to claw his way out from under the tractor to get to the man. Bobby stared down at the undead teen, shrugged, and then walked over to sit on the porch. Dez screamed at him, “What? You don’t have the balls to finish me off?”
“Nope, It’s not that.”
“What? What is it then?”
“I can’t think of a great line to kill you with. You got any hobbies? You got anything interesting about you that I might be able to make fun of when I bash your skull in?”
“Fuck you!”
“Hey…you’re the one that was trying to eat me remember. I’ll make you a deal. You give me some interesting detail about you, and I’ll let you pick what I use to kill you with. I mean right now I have a shovel, but there’s nail guns and all kinds of shit back in that barn. I’m willing to walk back there if you just really wanted to have your head crushed by a leaf blower.”
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 36