Two zombie werewolves landed on a giant skull float and began humping it in an effort to taunt the helicopter pilots. The chopper pilots opened fire on the floats, and the entire krewe was slaughtered in seconds. The parade leader was cut in half and lay bleeding on the ground. Meanwhile the two zombie werewolves standing on the giant skull just howled and kept taunting the chopper while their bullet wounds healed. The helicopter fired a missile at the ground, and the explosion was deafening. Heather stared in horror as the two werewolves stood on top of the flaming parade float. The flames and explosion left their bodies massively injured, but in almost no time at all they both began healing.
As soon as they were knitted back together one of them hopped down from the float, and out of Heather’s field of vision. Seconds later a trash can was sent flying up at the helicopter. It struck the rotor, and the helicopter went wildly out of control. It smashed into the ground, and the propeller tore off. Bits of debris went everywhere imbedding themselves into the undead.
Heather looked down below and jumped back. Shuffling up the stairs were dozens of zombies searching for their next meal. They were men and women of all ages and races. Zombie toddlers crawled up the stairs trying to avoid the grown-ups heavy footfalls. They reached the door and bashed it down with a few powerful blows. Heather and Hedwig tried to move to the rear exit, but it was blocked by some of the set designs.
Barack tried to bravely stand up to the zombies, but they overwhelmed him in seconds. Everyone watched in horror as the man was pulled in half. His organs spread out across the floor like some evil buffet. It was first come first serve, and they all began devouring Barack as fast as possible.
The other actors and actresses were picked off one at a time. The redheaded transsexual Irishman that played Penniworth Cooper was held down and had his flesh peeled off strip by strip to the enjoyment of the zombies. The man playing Karl the witch had his spine snapped so he’d stop trying to crawl away as they ate him. The fat tranny playing Dan Dinkly was actually carried out the front door screaming by several of the zombies like a trophy.
They picked them off one at a time until only Heather, Hedwig, and Callie were left. Callie stood behind Heather and Hedwig, “Keep them away!” She screamed before pushing Hedwig forward. “Take him! He’s old but fat and juicy!”
“Callie why?” Hedwig screamed as he felt himself falling forward. His hairpiece fell off as he stumbled into the hungry mob. They ripped off his plaid suit, and then started rending and tearing into the old man. Heather watched in horror as the man died screaming.
“I’m not going to die like this!” Callie sobbed before trying to run past the hungry zombies. One of them bit down on her arm, and pulled back a chunk of flesh. Callie twisted away but lost her balance. She backpedalled towards a window, and crashed through it. The transsexual former beauty queen fell from the second floor to the pavement. She landed on the PVC pipe and it was driven all the way through from her anus, through her heart, and then out her mouth.
Heather had nowhere to go, and more zombies were piling in by the second. Outside she could hear gunfire and what sounded like soldiers marching through the streets. She desperately searched for a way out, but it was clear there was nowhere except the same window Callie had fallen through. Heather feinted one direction and then went running for the window. She hopped through the window and dropped from the second floor. The landing shattered her left leg, and Heather screamed in agony.
Callie was sitting up beside her still twitching. Heather recoiled in horror as she saw the PVC pipe sticking out her mouth with the gerbil peeking out from the opening. Heather heard zombies trying to make their way back down to her so she started dragging her broken leg behind her. She was halfway down the block when she saw the military. Soldiers were peppering the undead with bullets. The zombies dropped right and left, but the zombie werewolves seemed almost amused by the bullets.
“Hey! Help!” Heather screamed and waved her hands.
Private Butters saw the beautiful redhead shambling up towards him in the distance. Her leg was shattered, but she was walking on it, and instead of running away from the gunfire she shambled toward it unafraid. Processing the facts as he saw it, he came to one simple conclusion and sighted in on Heather. “Damn shame to have to put down a piece of ass like that.” He said before pulling the trigger.
***
“What time is it? Butthole time!” Digger screamed as he started to sprint at Lula Mae’s bottom.
“Digger no!” Jessup screamed.
Digger skidded to a stop inches away from the girl’s butt. “What? Why?”
“They didn’t have any choice in what they were doing. That asshole made them fight us just like he made Margarita work.” Jessup sighed as he sloughed off the last few remnants of werewolf.
“Bitch lets him bust a nut in her and suddenly he starts getting all noble.” Digger grumbled. “Fine…I’ll let this one slide. I won’t seek revenge.” Digger sounded sad and dejected by the prospect of not getting to have his revenge. “So what now?”
Jessup shrugged, “Helicopters are pounding the shit out of this place. I say we find a ride and get the fuck out of Dodge. At least we should get far enough away that we don’t have to worry about getting shot.”
Digger’s ears perked up with excitement, “Texas!”
Jessup smiled and nodded, “Yeah…we can head to Texas.”
“Revenge!” Digger screamed as he ran out the cathedral. “Hurry up Jessup! Let’s get the fuck out of here!”
“What? No asshole?” Jessup asked as he walked out the door.
“Consider it a promotion.” Digger answered.
***
“Mr. President. Reports are coming in that the soldiers are meeting heavy resistance.” Denis said.
Barry and his cabinet listened in frustration as the facts came in. At first it all sounded good, but as more and more helicopters went down the news got worse. Then when the reports came in that bullets only killed some of the enemy combatants the cabinet became quiet. “What are we going to do now?” Barry asked.
Joseph looked at the president. He no longer was in character to appeal to teens and urban men in their twenties. Being slapped around had cleared his head a bit. “Mr. President, we should use nukes.”
“Nukes? We can’t do that?” Barry said.
“We have to. If that continues to spread this entire country will be overrun. We have to get them now. We can still go with our plan to blame Cuba, but you’ll have to authorize an immediate nuclear strike on Cuba as well. It’s the only way to cover our tracks.” Joseph responded.
“I don’t want to kill a bunch of Americans. I didn’t fight this hard to get into office just to go fucking it up.” Barry groaned.
“Mr. President. The mark of a good president is being willing to make the hard decisions, and I believe you have the makings of being one of our best presidents ever. You just have to be willing to do what’s necessary. This is necessary.” Joseph was serious. He looked the other man in the eyes and said, “I believe in you. I wouldn’t have taken those stupid method acting classes that turned me into a complete jerk if I didn’t.”
Barry nodded, “Fine…Denis. How long until we can bomb Louisiana?”
“Nine hours at the earliest. We could do it sooner, but we’ll need to make sure all our cover stories are airtight beforehand. We won’t get a second chance to make this seem like a terrorist attack.” Denis said stiffly. He didn’t like the idea, but then again he didn’t have to. He just had to follow orders.
Barry looked back at Joseph, “So how many nukes is it going to take?”
Joseph looked at the secretary of defense, “Pull up project Confederacy Two.”
The secretary of defense pulled up the file on his laptop, “Strategically we could take the infected area using six well placed nuclear devices. We’re looking at nuking New Orleans obviously. Then we’d also have to simultaneously nuke Lake Charles, Lafayette, Baton Rouge, Hammond, Coving
ton, and Houma. If they are all detonated simultaneously then it should remove everything south of Opelousas.”
“Confederacy Two?” Barry asked.
Joseph smiled, “In the event a state attempted to secede or fell under the control of hostiles, then the military wanted a computer program that would help them decide on how to appropriately neutralize an area.”
Barry nodded, “Damn shame it had to happen in a state that voted for me, but make it so gentlemen.”
Denis started getting everything together. Strike runs were planned for the locations in Louisiana, and then “counterattacks” were planned against Cuba. If that wasn’t enough they had to plan various “accidents” so that the pilots dropping the bombs wouldn’t be able to ever tell their stories to the press.
Near the end one of the cabinet asked, “What about the soldiers? If we pull them out before we bomb the place it’ll look like we already knew it was about to happen.”
“Well…there’s only one solution.” Barry said with an eerie calm. “Fuck ‘em.”
***
Lula Mae sobbed as she leaned over Damien. “Damien sweetie…please get up. Talk to me!”
Damien sat there as the last bit of brain and heart finally drained out through Danior’s head and into his mouth. Damien was frustrated. Why the girl couldn’t figure out he needed his chair to speak was just mind boggling, and the fact she couldn’t figure out that he couldn’t move…did she just think he was sitting in the wheelchair because he was lazy?
“Damien! Damien! Please…just tell me what to do?” Lula Mae’s tears fell on Damien’s face.
“Pick me up you stupid bitch!” Damien thought to himself. He was surprised when Lula Mae’s eyes glazed over and she lifted him up. “Now put me in my chair.” Damien thought, and was again surprised when the nine year old girl did just as he commanded. For the next few moments he gave commands to her to adjust his wheelchair and Damien “That is much better.” He said before blowing into his tube to drive forward. Unfortunately the chair was broken. No matter how much he blew on it, the chair wouldn’t move. “Can you push me please.” Damien asked. He didn’t want to just order the young girl around. She wasn’t a bad kid, just a little off.
Lula Mae was so happy to hear Damien’s “voice” that she started dancing around the room. She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Lula and Damien sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” Damien thought about making her stop it but then decided to let her have her fun. As long as she didn’t try anything then it didn’t hurt anything. Sure it annoyed the crap out of him, but he could tolerate it for a while. He waited patiently for her to calm down, and then she started pushing him out the door. “What are we going to do Damien?” She asked nervously.
“That one guy had the right idea. We need to get out of here before those soldiers start really messing us up.”
“What about the others?” Lula Mae asked.
Damien thought about it, then out of curiosity he pushed his will out to the others. “Stop!” and they did just that. Everywhere around the city the zombie werewolves just froze in place waiting. Even Lula Mae just froze. “You can move again.” He thought, and they started back up.
“That was weird. Did you do that?” Lula Mae asked. “I can hear you in my head. I thought I was just imagining it earlier, but it is you isn’t it?”
“Yes. It was me.” Damien answered.
“So you could lead us all out of here?”
“No. If I do that the military will follow. We are going to have to leave them all behind. We should try to catch up with that guy. Maybe he could give us a ride out of here.” Damien said.
Lula Mae didn’t like it, but she nodded and ran off to try and find Jessup. A few minutes later Jessup rolled up in a pickup. “Need a lift?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Damien answered.
Jessup and Lula Mae set Damien in the back of the pickup. They braced the wheels as best they good. “So you’re the new big badass werewolf leader?” Jessup asked.
“It looks that way.” Damien said.
“Try to keep this crazy shit to a minimum at least for a couple of months, and don’t mistreat your people…or me and Digger here are gonna get your ass.” Jessup said with a smile.
“That works for me.” Damien responded.
Jessup and Lula Mae got into the truck. Digger climbed up in Lula Mae’s lap to watch out the window as Jessup drove off. “Don’t think this makes us friends girl asshole! I’ll still tear that ass up if you get out of line!”
“Digger…you know she can’t hear you.” Jessup said.
“Yeah well. I stand by what I…oh that’s so good. I missed this so much.” Digger’s voice suddenly sounded happy and dreamy as Lula Mae started scratching him behind the ears.
“Oh so that’s the secret. You’ll forgive damn near anything for a scratch behind the ears.” Jessup laughed.
“Shut up fucker! You just overthrew a werewolf pack leader because some Mexican chick let you stick your dick in her for forty seconds. Don’t think I didn’t hear that in the bathroom. Mr. Three pump chump!” Digger teased.
“Oh shut up you little armored weasel.” Jessup laughed and started scratching Digger behind the ears along with Lula Mae.
“Fuck the two of youuuuuuuuuuuu-oh god this is so goooooooooooood.”
***
Jimbo limped into the zoo. Most of his injuries had healed by the time he slipped over the fence. He moved towards the petting zoo area in search of Snowflake the albino deer. Jimbo hopped into the petting zoo area, and all the other animal instinctively ran to the far side of the pen. “Snowflake?” Jimbo asked nervously. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve been waiting.”
Jimbo heard the voice in his head. It was deep and manly. “Snowflake? Was that you? Where are you?”
“It’s me…come into the barn.”
Again Jimbo heard the deep bass in his head. All he could think of was how beautiful the albino deer looked, and immediately he began fantasizing about making love to Snowflake while the deer sang soulful love songs. He ran into the barn. It was too dark to see, but then Jimbo flicked the light switch on the wall. “Snowflake!”
What stood in front of him wasn’t the beautiful young male deer he’d lost his heart to earlier. Snowflake had changed. He was bigger, furrier, and had grown both fangs and antlers. The antlers were broad and nearly scraped the ceiling when he moved. “I’ve been waiting for you motherfucker!”
Jimbo screamed and tried to run out the barn door, but Snowflake charged and impaled the man on his antlers. Snowlflake then slammed him into the wall, and they both burst through the wood and ran out into the petting zoo pen. Jimbo hung off the antlers. His bones were broken and his body twisted. Snowflake shook his head, and Jimbo slipped off the horns and landed with a thud. “No!” Jimbo screamed as he tried to crawl out of the pen.
“You’re my little piggy now!” Snowflake’s voice taunted the man as the deer started trying to mount the man. For the next few hours only three things could be heard in the zoo. The first was the sound of an albino zombie weredeer making violent and angry love to the broken and bleeding man, the second sound was the man begging and pleading for the deer to stop in between his screams of agony, and the third was one chicken sitting in the corner clucking as he laughed his still painfully sore ass off.
***
Dawn came, and Nova Starr drove through the city. There was still gunfire everywhere, but she couldn’t just stay in her house waiting for the zombies to try and break in. Sure it was fun. They come to the door and knock, and then she answers by giving them a face full of buckshot, but she needed her morning coffee and without milk it just wasn’t the same. So she drove to the nearest gas station, and walked past the three dead cashiers to get some moo juice. Then on the way back she saw him.
At first she though he was just some hallucination brought on by the combination of lack of sleep and lack of coffee, but then she realized it really was him. Her fa
vorite actor. Mr. Sexy himself was standing on top of a sports car screaming desperately for help that he was sure would never come. Zombies had him surrounded in and were trying to pull him off the car. In her eagerness she nearly whipped her truck into his sports car. Instead she slammed on the brakes and skidded to a stop beside him. In the process her truck crushed six of the zombies trying to eat the man. “Oh my God! Your…YOU!” She screamed a fan girl scream that she didn’t realize she even possessed. Just being this close to the man had her almost ready to hyperventilate. She watched his show every week almost religiously. She had all hundreds maybe even thousands of pictures of the man on her Facebook page. She belonged to eight different fan clubs of his, and now she was less than ten feet away.
The man turned his rugged good looks towards her and smiled, “Yep, been me since the day I was born. I thought I was that other guy once, but no…I’m me.”
“Need a ride?” Nova asked nervously as she kept reminding herself not to just scream “Take me now you stud!”
The man that had been in more of her fantasies that she’d ever admit to leaped into the bed of her truck, then sprang like a sexy jungle cat to the ground. He slipped inside to the passenger seat and said, “Thank you. I don’t suppose you know somewhere safe to get away from these…things?”
Nova Starr smiled, “I might know somewhere.”
They made it back to Nova’s house, and scrambled inside. Zombies were already closing in from all sides. “Get inside!” Nova screamed.
The man ran inside, and Nova slammed the door behind them both. “I can’t believe you’re in my home.”
“Me either. It must be destiny.” The man said with a charming smile that practically made Nova’s panties melt.
“So what happens if the zombies get in?” He said nervously.
“We go to my panic room.” Nova said. Just then the zombies began pounding on her front door. It began splintering and giving way under the impact. Nova screamed, “To the panic room.”
Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves Page 60