by Lesley Crewe
Naturally boys and girls paired off as they walked home. Annie was extremely popular because the boys always had a good time when she was around. She wasn’t a delicate flower that they had to be nervous of. Lila knew for a fact that Annie had kissed every boy in Louisbourg at least once, and she had an annoying habit of trying to fix Lila up wherever they went—on weenie roasts and corn boils at Kennelly’s Point, when they steamed clams in Barrachois, or even as they sat in straight chairs in the Masonic Hall to watch movies.
“Look at that guy. He likes you. Go talk to him.”
“In the middle of the film?”
“Early bird gets the worm.”
“Oh, shut up, Annie.”
Lila did go out with a few boys, just for something to do. There was a boy named John she spent some time with and he kissed her a few times, but that was as far as she would go, which frustrated the life out of him. He said goodnight after one of their dates and dropped her off at Annie’s house. Lila walked through the door as if it were her own. Annie’s parents were in the parlour listening to the radio.
“Did you have fun?” Abigail asked.
“Yes.”
“Who was that walking you home?”
“John MacLeod.”
“Oh, he’s a nice lad. His parents are pillars of the community. You could do worse.”
From behind his paper, Kenzie said, “Stop trying to marry her off.”
“Is Annie back?”
“Yes, she’s up in her room. Did you want something to eat before you go to bed?”
“No, thanks. Goodnight.”
They both said goodnight.
When Lila opened the door Annie was already in her pyjamas, lying on her bed reading a magazine. “I wish I looked like Vivien Leigh.”
Lila flopped on the other twin bed. “I wonder what it would be like to be born with movie star looks.”
“Oh, please. You’re the spitting image of Rita Hayworth.”
“I am not.”
“Well, you look more like her than I do Vivien Leigh.”
“What would you change about yourself if you could?”
“My hair, obviously. You?”
“My fickle mind.”
Annie threw the magazine aside as Lila started to undress. “And what exactly is wrong with your mind, besides the obvious?”
“John wants me to go steady with him.”
“He’s very picky, so good for you.”
“He bores me.”
“You don’t say.”
“I don’t really like any of the boys here.”
“How scandalous! That means you like girls.”
“I don’t like you,” Lila laughed.
Annie sat up in bed. “And what is wrong with me, may I ask?”
“Besides the hair?”
“Oh, how witty.”
Lila walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. When she returned Annie was in bed. Lila closed the door and turned out the light. She crawled into her bed on the opposite wall.
“Have you ever liked a boy?” Annie asked in the dark.
“I like my friend Ewan.”
“No, I meant as in being attracted to them.”
“I guess so.”
“You guess so? Don’t you know?”
She knew, all right. She just couldn’t tell.
“Who’s the lucky fellow?”
“Go to sleep, Annie.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
1945
The local boys were quite jealous of the soldiers coming home, because as everyone knew, girls were suckers for a man in uniform. Everyone else was thrilled to be reunited with loved ones, except of course the people whose loved ones were now buried at sea or under the ground in a far-off land.
It took some adjusting not to be constantly worried or vaguely ill at ease every minute of the day. The whole world seemed to be full of hope instead of dread. It was like starting over.
But it quickly became apparent to families that the boys who went over at the start of the war weren’t the same boys who came back. They had become someone else while fighting overseas. It was the making of some of them, but it destroyed a lot of them, too. The ones in the middle of the scale suffered in silence because no one at home would ever believe some of the things they had seen or done. How could anyone in Cape Breton understand what it was like to see children killed or starving to death or have a friend’s head blown off right in front of you?
It was a difficult transition for everyone.
David returned in June. Lila was invited to the Macdonalds’ for a welcome home party. Lila wanted to have other people around when she first saw him. She was seventeen now and he was twenty. She wondered if he still felt the same way. Not that she had any idea of what she was going to do, and it was damn frustrating not being able to talk about it with Annie.
When David walked in the door, everyone knew that this was someone who wasn’t defeated or downhearted but confident and secure with himself and his world. He looked marvellous—tanned and healthy. He held himself like a man.
David’s parents embraced him, his mother weeping and his father smiling from ear to ear. As soon as they were done, Annie ran up and jumped on him. He twirled her around and around, both of them laughing. Aunts, uncles, and cousins were next, everyone milling about and talking all at once. The women ran into the kitchen to prepare the feast while the men crowded around him.
Lila saw his eyes sweeping the room as if looking for her. She stayed in the corner, afraid to move in case she jumped on him too. When he finally saw her, his face lit up and he excused himself as he made his way through his many relatives to get to her side.
“It’s good to see you, Lila.”
“You too.”
As he gave her a hug she was aware of the smell of him, the strength in his arms and his broad back. He whispered, “Can I come and see you later?”
Here it was. The moment she’d worried about for two and a half years.
“Not tonight. Your family has arranged this party.”
“You’re right,” he laughed. “I’m just so happy you’re here.”
Annie came up and put her arms around the both of them. “The three musketeers are back together again. Isn’t this great? I’m so deliriously happy.”
Abigail poked her head in and announced to everyone that the supper buffet was on the dining-room table. David rubbed his hands together. “Now this is what I’ve been waiting for.” He excused himself and left Annie and Lila standing there.
“Doesn’t he look wonderful?” Annie said.
“He does.”
“You watch, the girls from here to Halifax will be all over him and I’ll have to scratch their eyes out, because no one is good enough for my brother. Now let’s get some grub.”
Two days later, while Lila was hanging out clothes, David walked towards her from the path in the woods.
“How did you get here?”
“Sorry about that. I left my car at the bungalow and walked over. I don’t want to see Eunie and Joe just yet. They’d invite me for supper and I’d have to tell Joe how I single-handedly fought the Japs and won the war.”
“That would be boring.”
“Would you mind if we took a walk?”
“If you like.”
“To the ballerina tree?”
“You remember that?”
“Of course I do,” David laughed.
“It’s a bit of a walk. Are you sure you want to go there?”
“It would be nice.”
So they hiked through the woods and skirted the bay up to the hill where the ballerina tree stood alone amid the forest floor of bright green sphagnum moss. They sat on the grass, leaning against the spruce trees that bordered the cliff, with
their feet hanging over the edge. The water in the bay looked indigo blue, with white caps whirling along the tips of the waves.
“I used to dream of this place when I was sweating on the Cocos Islands in the Indian Ocean. I’d picture myself diving into this cold water and remember how fresh and alive I feel coming out of it.”
“Where you afraid over there?”
“Sometimes. Once the plane hit a couple of strong down drafts and we were too close to the sea. The pilot thought we might have to ditch the plane in the dark, but he was able to get it under control. And our airstrip was difficult to find, especially at night, during radio silence. It was part of an atoll less than half a mile wide and only five or six miles long. If we missed it, our orders were to fly around as long as we could, ditch the plane in the ocean, and hope we were close enough to swim to the atoll. It was a hell of a system.”
“I can’t even imagine that.”
He looked at her. “One thing kept me going. I was determined to get home to you. Tell me you don’t have a boyfriend and that you’ve waited for me.”
“No, I don’t have a boyfriend. But David, it’s been very difficult keeping the truth about your feelings for me from Annie and your parents. To them I’m practically your sister. I’m ashamed to admit that I care about you.”
David took her shoulders and made her face him. “I don’t care about what anyone else thinks. I’m ready to tell the world about us.”
“But there is no us.”
“Oh, yes there is.”
He pulled her to him and kissed her mouth, her face, her neck. Then he laid her back on the moss and covered her body with his own. “This is what I’ve been dreaming of. This is real, Lila. Just be with me. I love you.”
She surrendered to her body. His hands and his mouth were everywhere and the sensations that enveloped her were something she’d never felt before. Lila was spinning around and around, unaware of what time it was or where she was, or even who she was, but David’s voice told her that she was his and his alone.
Once they caught their breath, he stroked her face. “I love you, Lila. Do you love me? Please say you love me.”
“I do.”
He kissed her again and they held one another before they knew it was time to go. When he sat up, she buttoned her sweater and pulled down her skirt. There was moss in her hair. He rose to his feet and pulled her up off the ground. He held her face in his hands. “I’m going to make you the happiest girl alive. We’ll get married and once I finish university and become a lawyer, we’ll travel the world. I’ll build you the best house and we’ll have lots of kids and we’ll be able to come back here in the summer. What do you think?”
“Where would we travel?”
“Everywhere.”
“I’m not sure I’d like that.”
He kissed her cheek. “Of course you will. I’m telling my parents about us tonight.”
“No! Don’t you dare!”
“Why?”
“It’s too soon. This is our business. I’m not ready to share it with anyone. You have to promise.”
“What a complicated girl you are. Do you want me to spit on my hand?”
When Lila got home she told her aunt and uncle that she’d strolled over to see Ewan’s mom and had supper with her and now she was tired and going to bed. They wished her goodnight. She and Freddy climbed the stairs to her room. When she took off her clothes she looked at her body in the mirror to see if it looked as different as she felt.
She put on her nightgown and got under the blankets. Fred jumped up and assumed his usual position, curled up at the bottom of the bed. When Lila turned out the light, she relived the afternoon over and over, trying to discern whether the fact that she wanted him to do it again meant that she was in love.
Three days later there was a knock at the door, shortly after Uncle Joe and Aunt Eunie left the house to go visit her sister, who wasn’t well. Lila hadn’t heard a car pull up, so she knew it wasn’t David. When she opened the door, Ewan was there.
“Ewan! I’m so glad to see you.” She gave him a big hug.
“Hi, Lila.”
“Come on in. I just made tea.”
As she poured the tea, she glanced sideways at him. He was much thinner and rather pale. She’d only ever known Ewan as the picture of health. It was upsetting to see him so changed.
“Let’s sit in the parlour.”
They took their cups and sat on either end of the sofa.
“Thank you for visiting my mother. She thinks you’re a very special girl.”
“I like your mother. She’s down to earth.”
“She has to be, working on a farm.”
“I know she’s very glad to have you home.”
“She wants to fatten me up.”
“You do look thin. Did you get my letters?”
“Yes. I wanted to come by and thank you. They saved my life.”
“What do you mean?”
Ewan took a big gulp of tea and set the cup on the side table. “I could picture you and Freddy walking on the beach or that time you wrote and said he got into it with a skunk. It made me smile when I had nothing to smile about.”
“Was it awful, Ewan?”
To her horror he put his hands over his face and cried. She’d never seen a man cry before. It broke her heart.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that.” She put her arms around him and cradled his head against her chest. It was like he wasn’t even aware of her. He continued to sob and gasp for air.
“Shhh, it’s all right, Ewan. You’re home now. You’re safe.”
Eventually he quieted down, but still she held him and didn’t let go. Her hand swept his brow and she pressed her lips against his temple. When Ewan lifted his head and looked at her, she didn’t look away. They kissed and lay back together on the sofa pillows and pressed their bodies against each other. There was no sound, no talking, and no crying out. Lila was safe in his arms. He was gentle and kind. It was as natural as breathing.
After, Ewan stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I thought I was dead.”
“You’re going to be all right.”
“Lila, I swore if I made it home I’d ask you…”
“…don’t say anything. Not yet. I’m not ready.”
He looked ashamed. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry, Lila.”
“I’m not.”
“I’ve taken advantage of you, and that’s not right.”
“No, you haven’t. We’re friends. Friends help each other.”
After they untangled and rearranged their clothes, they sat in awkward silence. Finally Lila said, “Would you like more tea?”
“No, thank you. I best be on my way.”
Lila escorted him to the door. “I’m glad you’re home, Ewan. Do you still have the card?”
He pulled it out of his shirt pocket. It was bent and dirty and worn from being handled over and over again. “I looked at it every night. It helped me go to sleep.”
“I’m glad.”
He nodded. “I’ll see you around.”
“Yes. Soon.”
When she shut the door she went in and sat on the sofa, wondering what on earth she was thinking.
* * *
Ewan walked away in a daze. He wasn’t sure what had happened. A part of his brain was processing the fact that he’d made love to the woman of his dreams, and another part of his brain screamed, “You fool. She’s paying you back for finding her dog.”
Not only that, he had cried in front of her.
He had been so glad to see her. He hadn’t believed that he would survive the war, or have the chance to tell her that her letters meant the world to him. He kept them all. Even the scent of her would linger on the paper, keeping him sane when insanity swirled around him.
> The only good thing about the war was the friendships he made. He’d never had friends before. He realized there was no one he missed back home except his family, Lila, and his animals. But when most of his new friends died all around him, he became a killing machine. Only Lila’s handwriting reminded him he was human. Once he was captured by the Germans, he kept to himself. Making friends was a hazardous game and he didn’t have the strength to play it.
As he staggered through the woods, he wondered what she thought of him now. How was he supposed to act around her? Would they ever talk about what had happened, or was she already scrubbing her skin to get rid of his smell?
Ewan didn’t go back to the house, where he knew his mother was waiting to hear all about Lila’s reaction when he showed up at her door. Instead he went to the barn and climbed up to the hayloft. There he lay until it was dark, alone with his heartache and no one to tell.
* * *
When Annie finished high school in Sydney, she made the honour roll, which surprised her. Maybe she was smart like her brother, who was about to go to Dalhousie University in Halifax, but she’d made a promise to herself a while ago and she was going to keep it.
Annie hopped on the S&L train to go out to Round Island to see Lila. She loved the Sydney–Louisbourg train. They travelled on it to go out to Mira and pick berries, have picnics, or swim at Mira Gut. It brought the mail as well. The train and the telephone were lifelines for residents out in the country, as not everyone had a car.
Lila didn’t know she was coming, but Annie knew she’d be home. Now that school was over, Lila didn’t go anywhere except to visit Annie on the odd weekend. That was another reason for her coming—to talk about Lila’s future.
Annie enjoyed her walk up to the house. It was a perfect July afternoon. No wonder Lila loved the Johnson house so much. It looked like it had been part of the landscape forever. It was nestled perfectly with its back against the woods, and the large leafy trees and fir trees in the front of the property kept it hidden from the road.