by Lesley Crewe
“Leave me alone. Leave me alone!”
She opened her eyes and didn’t know where she was. Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe stared down at her. Where was Freddy?
“You’re all right, Lila. You’re going to be fine. Uncle Joe and I are going to take you home when the doctor says you’re ready to go. You don’t have to stay here.”
“Where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital, dear. You weren’t feeling well, but you’ll be right as rain in no time.”
“Okay.”
Aunt Eunie kissed her forehead. Uncle Joe took her hand and kept it in his own. “We love you so much.”
A doctor walked in the room and came over to the bed. “Hello, Lila. I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
The doctor turned to Uncle Joe and Aunt Eunie. “I wonder if you’d mind if I talked to Lila alone.”
They looked at one another but nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind them. The doctor pulled up a chair.
“Do you know what happened to you?”
“No.”
“You tried to kill yourself, Lila.”
“I did?”
“You slit your wrists.”
Lila looked down at her bandaged arms. “I only wanted to go to sleep and I couldn’t.”
“Why did you want to go to sleep?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Lila, I need you to be truthful. I know you’re pregnant. Have you told anyone else?”
“No.”
“Was this a result of…was it consensual?
She nodded.
“Would you like me to tell your parents?”
“My parents are dead.”
“Your guardians, then. Would that make things a little easier for you?”
She nodded again.
The doctor got out of the chair and opened the door, gesturing for Eunie and Joe to come in the room. They approached the bed with worried expressions.
“Is everything all right, Doctor?” Uncle Joe asked.
“There’s something that Lila needs to tell you and at this moment she doesn’t have the strength to do it. She’s going to need your support and your love.”
“Anything,” Aunt Eunie said.
“Lila is pregnant.”
They couldn’t hide the look of disbelief from their faces.
Uncle Joe said, “But how’s that possible? She’s doesn’t run the streets. She’s a good girl.”
“Good girls can get pregnant, Mr. Johnson. It’s been happening since the beginning of time and will continue to happen. What Lila needs now is for you to rally around and help her make some important decisions. I can get you in touch with a social worker who can explain your options.”
“Of course,” he whispered.
“Will what happened today hurt the baby?” Aunt Eunie asked.
“Lila is going to need a lot of rest for the next while. I looked at her medical history and see she has a heart murmur. We have to be extra careful when the mother has heart issues.”
Aunt Eunie started to snivel. She reached in her pocket for a tissue.
“Lila will feel a lot better, now that she doesn’t have to deal with this by herself.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Uncle Joe said. “We want to do the right thing. We’ll help Lila in whatever way we can.”
The doctor turned his attention to Lila once more. “You’re going to stay here for a few days, just to make sure everything is fine. I’ll be in to check on you later.”
When the doctor left, the three of them looked at each other.
“I’m sorry,” Lila said.
“Who’s the father?” Uncle Joe asked.
“I’m tired.” She turned her face away.
“She’s tired, Joe. We should let her get some rest.” Aunt Eunie leaned over the bed and kissed her. “Go to sleep, dear.”
Lila already was.
* * *
When Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe came back into the room, Annie blurted, “Please forgive me.”
Her dad jumped up to give Aunt Eunie the chair because she was pale and trembling. Mom went over to her and tried to comfort her.
Uncle Joe fingered the brim of his hat, going round and round, struggling to say something. “There’s nothing to forgive, Annie. Lila didn’t try to…hurt herself because of training. The doctor told us she’s pregnant.”
Everyone went dead quiet. Annie couldn’t grasp what he was talking about. Lila, pregnant? Surely Lila would’ve told her. It didn’t make any sense.
“She wouldn’t tell us who the father is.”
“She’s in no state to talk about anything right now,” Aunt Eunie sniffed. “Oh, my dear little girl. I’ve failed her.”
Mom patted her on the back. “You’ve always done your best by her.”
“You’re making it sound like she’s a criminal,” Annie said. “People have babies all the time.”
“The doctor said that if the mother has heart problems, it’s more worrisome,” Uncle Joe said. “That’s why we’re upset. Obviously we’re going to stand by her. People will talk, but I’m not concerned with other people. I’m concerned about Lila. She’s too young to be dealing with this, and that’s what makes me sad.”
Eventually the Johnsons drove back to Round Island to pick up some of Lila’s nighties and toiletries to bring back to the hospital. Annie’s parents offered to take Annie home for the night, but she said no. She wanted to be alone.
Their room had been cleaned up while Annie was gone. Lila’s small bear was at the end of the bed, but there was a spot of blood on it. Annie took it into the bathroom, washed it off, and then towelled it dry. They weren’t letting any visitors see Lila that night, so Annie went back to her room and lay down, staring at the bed where Lila had tried to take her life. She had thought she knew everything about her best friend. The realization that she didn’t came as a shock. It was all too much. Annie grabbed the blanket at the end of the bed and pulled it over herself. She needed some peace.
CHAPTER EIGHT
For three days, Lila was allowed no visitors except the Johnsons. Finally, after an endless wait, Annie knocked softly on the door. Lila was dozing. She looked better, thank God. When she approached, Lila opened her eyes.
Annie sat on the bed, reached out, and took Lila’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know.”
“How could you not know?”
“I’m good at pretending.”
Annie squeezed her hand. “You know I’ll help you in any way I can. You don’t have to go through this alone. Mom and Dad are here for you, as well as the Johnsons.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you know what you’re going to do?”
“It’s my baby. I want to keep it.”
“I know it’s none of my business, but who’s the father?”
“There is no father. I didn’t have one and neither will this baby.”
“Lila…”
“I’m not going to tell you, Annie. I’m not going to tell anyone. It doesn’t matter. This is my baby and no one else’s.”
“If that’s what you want, but I hate to see someone being let off the hook. They should at least help you financially.”
“Will you promise me you won’t tell anyone? I know people will find out eventually, but I need this to be private for now.”
“Not even David?”
“He doesn’t need to know, does he?”
“You’re right. We’ll keep this simple for as long as we can.”
“The gossips will have me drawn and quartered soon enough.”
“If anyone says anything to me, it’ll be the last time they open their mouth.”
“I’m glad you have my back.”
“Always.”
When Annie left the room she immediately put on her coat and left the hospital grounds, heading straight for a corner store. There she bought her first package of cigarettes and a book of matches, before heading to a secluded spot near Renwick Brook to light up. Heaven forbid one of the teaching nurses saw her loitering around town. The first time she inhaled, she knew this would be her salvation. At times her nervous energy was almost explosive and she needed to stay calm in the face of what was on the horizon for Lila and those who loved her.
Then she walked for fifteen minutes to get up to Main Street and her parents’ new home. It was smaller than the house in Louisbourg, with a large oak tree in the front. Although it was odd walking in the opposite direction to Blackett Street, when she walked in it smelled like home: homemade bread, furniture polish, and lavender soap.
Her mother was in the kitchen, of course. The woman lived in the kitchen.
“Howdy! I’m here for some goodies.”
Mom bustled around getting dishes and teacups. “I made pineapple squares and a lemon sponge. Take your pick.”
“Both.”
They sat down together, enjoying a brief respite.
“So how’s training going?”
“Fine, although learning the name of every muscle in the body will be the death of me.” She took a bite of pineapple square. “I love these! I’m taking some back with me.”
“I’ll put them in a tin.”
Annie took a sip of tea. “Saw Lila today.”
“How does she seem?”
“Resolute.”
“In what way?” Mom put a piece of the lemon sponge on Annie’s plate.
“She’s keeping the baby and she’s keeping quiet about who the father is. She says it’s her baby, no one else’s.”
“Eunie was kind of hoping she’d tell you.”
“So I could turn around and squeal on Lila? I don’t think so. As a matter of fact, she wants to keep this a secret for as long as she can. She told me not to tell David. You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“No. It’s not my news to tell.”
They both took another swig of tea. Mom looked pensive. “Who do you think the father is?”
“Someone she met in school in Glace Bay, I imagine. I don’t think it would be Ewan Spencer. He always looks like he’s about to faint when a girl talks to him.”
“I feel responsible,” Mom said.
“Why? Did you get her pregnant?”
“I should’ve had the talk with her. I might have known Eunie wouldn’t do it.”
“The train has already left that particular station. Did you ever have the talk with me? I don’t remember one.”
Mom sat back in her chair. “That’s because you came home from school one day and informed me all about it.”
“Well, I hope you learned something.”
* * *
Lila watched the snow fall softly out the window. It was December 25 and the Johnsons had a quiet Christmas, exchanging gifts under the tree while the fire crackled in the fireplace. The smell of turkey still lingered in the house. Boots was curled up in a gift box amongst the wrapping paper and Freddy dozed under the dining-room table, while Uncle Joe snored in his chair. Even Aunt Eunie had put her feet up and was now making small blowing noises from between her lips, like she was blowing out a birthday candle every ten seconds.
Lila was content. The last few months had been quiet. She went nowhere and she saw no one. Her whole world was the child inside her, the one thing no one could take from her. This child would want only her.
So far, no one knew about the baby; no one had said a word. She appreciated the support. Not only that, no one would even know she was carrying a baby. She had only a small bump that could be hidden under almost anything. That was something she was counting on, since she didn’t have an excuse not to see David over the Christmas holidays. They were invited to the Macdonalds’ for a potluck the next day. At least with a crowd of people there would be no alone time.
When they arrived at the Macdonalds’ new home, it was festive and decorated inside and out. Cars were parked in the driveway and on the street. Lila stayed close to Aunt Eunie, taking her by the arm and helping her along the pathway to the front door. She saw David in the window and then he disappeared to come to the door and greet them.
“Merry Christmas!” He looked wonderful in a white shirt with a navy blue sweater vest over it. His hair was short and his face clean-shaven. Lila felt an immediate pull to be with him.
David kissed Aunt Eunie and shook hands with Uncle Joe before taking her in his arms and hugging her.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered in her ear.
“Hi, David.”
She withdrew from his embrace as soon as she could and entered the house with everyone rushing to greet them. Annie pushed through the crowd and gave Lila a big hug.
“It’s so good to see you.”
“Merry Christmas. How are things at the hospital?”
“Horrifying. My brain is about to explode.”
Lila saw David out of the corner of her eye. He was trying to attract her attention, but she moved towards Abigail and Kenzie, who both smiled when they saw her.
Abigail took her hands. “You look well.”
“I’m fine.”
The first hour was taken up with gathering platefuls of food, sweet and sour meatballs, cabbage rolls, lasagna, goulash, coleslaw, and fresh rolls, and then sitting wherever there was space. The laughter and joking was infectious. This first Christmas after the war was a celebration. Life could only get better.
Lila sat down next to Annie’s Aunt Muriel on the sofa.
“You’re going to eat more than that, I hope?” Aunt Muriel was getting wider with each passing year.
Lila looked down at her two meatballs and buttered roll. “This is good.”
“I’m getting hungry just looking at that. I must get some dessert.” She got up and David instantly sat down next to her with his plate piled high.
“Are you trying to avoid me?” he smiled.
“Yes.”
“You’re afraid I’m going to give something away?”
“I don’t want to talk about it here.”
“Then you’re going to have to meet me somewhere, because I can’t go back to school without kissing you.”
Lila didn’t answer him.
“Is something wrong?”
“Excuse me.” She got up and placed her plate on the side table and then ran upstairs to hide in the bathroom. He followed her and knocked at the closed door. “Lila, please talk to me.”
She leaned against the door. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I’m sorry. I need to be alone.”
After a few moments, she heard him leave and walk downstairs. She waited for a few minutes longer and then descended the staircase herself, making a beeline for Annie. She stayed by her side for the rest of the visit, but she need not have worried, because David was nowhere to be found.
She and Annie exchanged gifts up in her room. Lila had made Annie a bright red wool scarf that was so long it had to be wrapped around her neck three times, and a pair of mitts with thick bands of bright primary colours.
“Thank you! This will keep me nice and toasty on those walks to the Forum.”
Then Annie passed over her gift. “It’s for both of you.”
Lila unwrapped a crib-sized white blanket embroidered with colourful baby animals. She held it to her breast. “I love it! Thank you so much.” She gave her best friend a hug.
“Honest to God, you’d never know you were having a baby. You’re so small.”
“The doctor says I’m fine so far.”
“How do you pass the time?”
“I read and knit and help Aunt
Eunie with things. I’m happy.”
Annie flopped back on the bed. “I would go out of my gourd doing that. As much as I complain about the studying, I’m enjoying nursing more than I thought. But damn, some people are ugly.”
“Annie!”
“It’s true. There are some sorry specimens out there. And old men are the worst. We had this one guy; I swear his nuts were almost to the floor.”
Lila made a face. “Stop it! That’s not an image I want to carry around with me.”
“There was one old man whose toenails were so long they were curly, and on top of that they were green with fungus.”
Lila put the pillow over her head so she couldn’t hear any more. Thank God she hadn’t gone into nursing.
* * *
David was confused. Lila wrote to him, answered his phone calls, and seemed glad to see him, but the minute he tried to talk to her alone, she bolted.
It was tough for him to be away from her. At university he got plenty of attention from girls and sometimes it was hard not to give in, but he’d take out the picture he kept of Lila and his resolve would last another day.
The whole situation was crazy anyway. He had to hide his feelings from his family, pretend and lie to people. What was she so afraid of? That Annie and his parents would hate her suddenly? They loved her. That was a bonus. But anytime he suggested telling the truth, she would get upset, and so as frustrating as it was, he knew he couldn’t cross that line, or he might lose her forever.
The hardest part was trying to see her when he came home for visits. He’d make up stories about seeing old friends and borrow his father’s car, but most of the time when he went out to Round Island, the Johnsons’ car was in the yard, which meant Eunie and Joe were home. He’d go back to town and try not to appear glum in front of his parents.
A few days after Christmas he drove out to the bungalow and parked the car there, then walked over across the field and through the woods. There was no car in the yard, which was great, but that still didn’t mean that Eunie wasn’t there. He’d risk it and tell Eunie that he was out for a walk to the beach and thought he’d drop by. Surely he’d get at least a few moments alone with Lila. He needed that before he headed back to Halifax. Something had to change.