by Lesley Crewe
“It’s good too, but I feel like it’s not moving fast enough. I want to get it over with already and start making big bucks.”
“It’s all about the money with you, isn’t it?”
“What else is there? How’s Lila?”
Annie had forgotten all about this particular mission. For a split second she thought she’d leave it till tomorrow, but she knew it might come up in conversation, as it was old news for everyone else. She sat up in bed and looked at him.
“What? You look funny.”
“I have something to tell you, and I think you’re going to be mad at us.”
David stopped leaning on the wall and tensed up. “What’s wrong with Lila?”
“She’s fine now…well, she’s not completely fine…but compared to before…”
David stood up. “What the hell is going on? I knew there was something wrong. I’m so stupid!”
Annie was taken aback. “Wait a minute. Calm down. You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
He immediately stopped reacting and looked embarrassed. “Sorry. It’s been a long day. You gave me a bit of a fright, is all.”
“The only reason we didn’t tell you is that Lila asked us not to.”
His face went blank. “Okay.”
“She had a baby.”
He froze.
“I know it’s a lot to take in. She had a little girl last month, and quite frankly Lila nearly died having her, but thankfully they’re both on the mend. We didn’t want to worry you.”
“You didn’t want to worry me? Am I a member of this family or not? Lila is very dear to me too. What if she had died? What right did you have not to tell me?”
Annie stood up. “David. Listen to me. She asked us not to tell anyone. No one knew but me and Aunt Eunie, Uncle Joe, and Mom and Dad. You know what people are like in a small town. She didn’t want to be judged and ridiculed and we needed to protect her. It wasn’t a conspiracy against you.”
“I’m not a stranger. I’m family.” He put his hands up to his head. “Do you mean to tell me she was pregnant at Christmas? She didn’t look pregnant.”
“To tell you the truth she barely looked pregnant the day before she had Caroline. She developed endocarditis. With her heart trouble…”
“What heart trouble?”
Annie was confused. “Because of her rheumatic fever, her heart valve was damaged. You knew that.”
As soon as Annie said it, she remembered her conversation out in the back garden that beautiful summer day, when Lila had asked her not to say anything about her heart.
“Wait a minute. Lila wanted it kept a secret, but I assumed Mom told you at some point over the years.”
“No.” David’s jaw was clenched tight.
“I’m so sorry, David. We just didn’t want to worry you.”
“I went to war and back, and you didn’t think I could handle this?” he yelled. “Who do you people think you are?”
Their parents appeared in the doorway, looking concerned.
“What’s all the shouting about?”
“It’s about discovering I’m a second-class citizen as far as this family goes. I’m not a schoolboy who can’t be told that Lila had a baby. This conspiracy of silence makes me feel like a fool.”
David rushed past his parents and ran down the stairs, slamming the front door.
“I never even looked at it that way,” Annie said. “I didn’t think he’d feel shut out.”
“Oh dear,” Mom fretted. “What should we do, Kenzie?”
“He’s allowed to have feelings. Give him some time.”
They waited for David to come back in, but it was near midnight before he returned. He stood in the doorway of the parlour, where they’d gathered. He looked chilled.
“Didn’t you have a coat?” Mom worried.
“Forget the coat. Everyone, I’m sorry for getting angry. I realize you were put in a difficult situation. But please, the next time something important happens in this family, let me know.”
They all murmured their consent. Annie jumped out of her chair to hug him, but David put out his hand to hold her back. “It’s been a long day. Goodnight.” He bolted up the stairs.
Dad got out of his chair. “It has been a long day. Let’s get some sleep.”
* * *
Lila knew David was coming home that weekend, and she prepared herself for his visit. When she heard his car pull in the yard, she sat up straight in bed and held on to the covers with clenched hands. She told herself to relax, but it was impossible. David was higher strung than Ewan, and she couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t start yelling at her. She heard voices of greeting and the murmur of conversation, as he no doubt took a peek at the new addition to the family. Lila was on pins and needles until she heard the door to the attic stairs open. There were footsteps and then…Annie.
Lila forgot to breathe for a moment. “Annie. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Your daughter gets cuter and chubbier every time I see her. I have a feeling Aunt Eunie is feeding her evaporated milk.” Annie walked over and gave Lila a kiss before she sat on the bed.
“Did you have a nice Easter?” Lila asked.
“It was fine. A bunch of eggs at breakfast and that fruit bread Mom makes every year. I love that stuff toasted. Then church, and all the little girls in their Easter bonnets. That will be Caroline one day. So what did you do?”
Lila gestured at the room with a sweep of her arm. “This.”
“It must be hard.”
“Whenever I feel low, I remember who I’m doing this for.”
“Good plan.”
“So did David get home for Easter?”
“Yep. Ate all Mom’s cooking and then left.”
“He’s gone? I thought he might drop by and see the baby.”
Annie gave a big sigh. “We had a bit of a brouhaha when I told him about you and Caroline.”
Lila’s stomach knotted. “What did he say?”
“He wasn’t exactly happy that we kept it a secret from him. He blew up and then stormed out of the house. The rest of the weekend, he was pretty quiet. He left this morning to go back to Halifax.”
“He’s mad at me.”
Annie shook her head. “No, he’s mad at us from keeping it a secret, and he does have a point. He felt left out.”
Lila looked out the window. “He must be angry with me, if he didn’t even come to see the baby.”
“He’ll get over it. Don’t be so worried. Let him have his sulk and he’ll be fine.”
Annie went downstairs to get the baby and bring her up so they could both coo over her. Lila wanted Annie to leave, but she couldn’t let on, so she smiled as Annie made silly faces at Caroline. The baby looked at her very solemnly with her big button eyes.
“I don’t think she likes me,” Annie worried. “She’s not smiling. Why aren’t you smiling, little girl? I’m your Auntie Annie. Good lord, try and say that three times.”
“She’s a little shy with people but she loves Freddy. Watch this.” Lila looked to the other bed where Freddy was stretched out. “Freddy! Freddy!”
Fred’s head popped up. He still looked half asleep.
“Don’t bother poor old Fred,” Annie said. “I’ll take Caroline over to him.”
Annie walked over to the dog and knelt down so Caroline and Freddy were eye to eye. Caroline gave him a big smile. Freddy flopped his head back on the mattress as a clear message to leave him alone.
“I see she’s going to have her mother’s way with animals. Yes you are! Yes you are!” Annie bounced Caroline up and down and Lila was just about to tell her to stop when Caroline spit up all over the front of Annie’s blouse.
“Okay, the verdict is in. She does hate me. Excuse me while I give her back to her grandmother.”
Lila’s motherly instinct to protect her child tripled.
David could go to hell.
CHAPTER TEN
David was in hell. As soon as he got back to Halifax, he headed for his apartment and took the stairs two at a time. He didn’t bother with a key; his roommate Scott never locked the door. Said it might interfere with women coming to visit.
As usual, the place looked like they’d been robbed. Whenever Scott was left to his own devices, the apartment took a turn for the worse.
David threw his bag onto the floor. Scott was asleep on the couch, or maybe he was in a coma. He stirred when the bag was dropped. “Hey, you’re back.”
“I’m leaving again, so don’t get up.”
“Where ya goin’?”
“To get drunk.”
Scott leapt off the couch. “Hell yeah. Let’s go!”
The two buddies headed to the nearest bar. A lot of their friends were there and it was a grand drunken reunion to celebrate nothing. But often a drinker trying to forget something gets maudlin and feels everyone should know his sorrow.
David had his head propped up at a table in the back.
“Let’s go get laid,” Scott slurred.
“Can’t.”
“Why? Did your willy fall off?”
“It’s dead.”
“Who killed it?”
“It’s a secret. She’s a secret. All their goddamn secrets are killin’ me.”
“Forget about her. There are all kinds of women just waiting to resuscitate that dead willy of yours.”
They both thought that was hilarious. Eventually they staggered out and sang arm in arm down Spring Garden Road. A few pedestrians gave them a look and scurried out of their way, and a dog chased them for a while, but eventually they made it back to the apartment. Scott resumed his position on the sofa and David fell headlong across his bed with his feet hanging over the side.
His head was hanging over the toilet in the morning. “I’m never drinking again. Do you hear that, Scottie? I’m never drinking again!”
A muffled voice came from the sofa. “Stop yelling. My head’s gonna explode.”
They didn’t make it to class that day and David vowed he’d never do that again. He was too anxious to soak up his education and use it to his advantage on his rise to the top. That was the plan, but that first week, while his body was in class, his head was somewhere else.
His guilt was so vast he couldn’t articulate it. He knew if he’d seen Lila and his baby he’d have gone out of his mind. There was only one thing to do: stay away from her until he could figure out a way to ask her forgiveness.
Night after night he’d start to write her a letter, but it never sounded sorry enough, never sounded sincere enough to express his sadness over what he had done to her. She was blameless. He was older, supposedly wiser, and yet he’d taken what he wanted without giving it a second thought. Annie’s words kept rattling around in his head. She nearly died. She nearly died.
If she had died, he’d have been the one responsible for putting her in the ground.
It made him sick.
He threw up in class one day, much to his horror. Then he did it again on the sidewalk and twice more when he was out with friends. His stomach felt like it was on fire.
Scott, who normally wasn’t aware of anything, pointed at him with his spoon one morning. “You look terrible. You should go to the doctor.”
“I’m fine.”
But he wasn’t, so he went to a clinic and found out he had an ulcer. The doctor told him it was caused by stress, among other things. He gave him some tablets to melt on his tongue and they helped, but clearly the only cure for David was begging Lila’s forgiveness.
The trouble was, he couldn’t call her on the phone. She’d have to walk downstairs and talk to him with Eunie and Joe listening and that was clearly no good.
The frustration was unbearable, so in the end he shut down. He went to class, he studied, and he made extra money at night working some of the events at the Student Union Building. Basically he was as a freelance bartender who had no trouble avoiding alcohol. Just smelling it sometimes made his stomach turn.
After a while he got to recognize some of the people who attended the fundraisers, the concerts, and the dinners. The university bigwigs were there all the time, and sometimes men in business suits who looked like they had the world by the tail. They’d laugh and joke around with their wives, who looked like movie stars to David. Not that he cared.
There was one night he noticed an older woman staring at him. He looked down at his white shirt and black tie to make sure he hadn’t spilled anything. Then he saw her whisper something to another woman and they both glanced at him and laughed. He kept his head down and ignored them.
It was near the end of term when he became aware of a young woman who spent most of her time in the corner, sipping her drink through a straw and following him with her eyes. She had platinum blonde hair to her shoulders, a curvy figure, and a mouth bright with red lipstick. Even David could tell her dresses were expensive. She was the epitome of a rich, classy girl—the kind he knew nothing about.
Until the night she finally approached him instead of the other two bartenders serving with him.
“What can I get you?” he said.
“I’ll have a gin and tonic, please.”
David reached for a glass and scooped some ice into it before pouring in a shot of gin and filling the glass with tonic. He added a lemon wedge to the side of the glass and handed it to her.
“You’re a man of few words.”
He nodded and picked up a cloth to wipe up the excess water on the bar.
“Do you know who I am?”
“No.”
“My name is Kathleen Hanover, but my daddy calls me Kay. That’s him over there in the suit.” She pointed to a well-heeled man smoking a cigar. “The woman beside him is my mother.”
David glanced up and recognized her as the woman who liked to stare at him.
“She’s a bitch.”
David didn’t react, but wondered in what universe people called their mother a bitch.
“What’s your name?”
“David.”
“David what?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t be like that,” Kay pouted. “I’m trying to be friendly. It’s such a bore to have to come here night after night and have my father’s friends ogle me. He only brings me along to butter up clients.”
David couldn’t help himself. “What does your father do?”
“He owns…well, just about everything.”
“And what do you do?”
“I’m pretending to go to university.”
David smiled.
“You see?” She smiled back. “I’m not so awful.” She took a sip of her drink and glanced over at her mother. “I’ll say this quick because my mother is threatening to come over here and break us up.”
“How can you tell?”
“It’s her life’s work. Would you like to have coffee with me sometime? I live here—in one of the biggest houses in the city, but don’t let that put you off.”
“I don’t think so. Thanks anyway.”
David could tell she was disappointed.
“That’s okay, maybe another time. Thanks for the drink.” She walked back to her parents.
David had a massive headache and couldn’t wait to get home.
A week later David ran into Kay again, this time quite by accident. She was leaving a corner store and he was going in. He almost didn’t recognize her with her hair back in a ponytail and no m
akeup on. She still looked lovely, but more approachable.
She gave him a big smile. “Hi, David.”
“Hi.”
“You know who I am, right?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m surprised that you’re shopping at a hole in the wall if your father owns everything in town.”
“I try to act like a normal person most of the time.”
David held up his hand. “That was rude. I’m sorry.”
“Do you know why I look at you when you’re tending bar?”
“Why?”
“You’re so awfully sad.”
“You’re right.” Feeling like shit had become such a habit he wasn’t aware of it anymore. He used to be a happy person. Now it was more energy than he had to put a smile on his face.
“You could use a friend. Why don’t we grab a bite somewhere?”
He was about to say no, but he was lonely. “Okay.”
They went to a diner and sat in a booth made of imitation red leather and were served by a bored waitress. “What’ll it be?”
David waited for Kay to go first.
“I’ll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a root beer.”
“I’ll have a chicken sandwich and a glass of milk.”
The waitress moved on.
“That’s what my grandmother orders for lunch,” Kay smiled.
“I have an ulcer. Fried foods don’t help.”
“That’s too bad. Aren’t you kind of young to have an ulcer?”
David shrugged.
“Were you overseas?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Do you mind if I don’t talk about it?”
Kay looked sheepish. “I’m sorry. I should know better. My brother never wants to talk about the war either.”
“So what are you pretending to major in?”
“English,” she smiled. “I thought it would be simple, because even I speak English, but it turns out they want me to read Shakespeare and some guy named Chaucer. Have you ever tried to read Chaucer, let alone understand what he’s saying? I’ve stooped to showing a little leg to my professor, who is now giving me straight A’s.”
While they ate their lunch, David realized he enjoyed her company. Kay wasn’t just a pretty face. She was funny and self-deprecating and she had a great laugh. He insisted on paying for lunch and they left together, walking and talking until they got to campus.