by Lesley Crewe
Kay laid her hand carefully on top of Annie’s stomach. Annie took her hand and pushed it down on one side. “This one’s kicking up a storm tonight.”
Kay squealed with delight when one of the twins poked back. “Oh, I can’t wait to have a baby!”
Henry pointed at the two armchairs. “Please, sit. Can I get you anything?”
David shook his head and sat down. “If I have one more morsel or drink of anything, I’ll explode. You know Mom. I think she’s getting worse as she grows older. There must have been four desserts at our disposal.”
Kay sat as well. “I’ve eaten at a lot of restaurants in my life, but your mother’s cooking is the best I’ve ever had.”
“Don’t tell her. She’s already smug as it is.”
Henry kept rubbing Annie’s feet. “Did you and Kay come alone?”
David nodded. “Yes, everyone’s schedule in Kay’s family is booked up months in advance.”
“David is relieved,” Kay laughed. “He had a fit thinking of my mother using an outhouse. I think it’s an adventure.”
“That opinion will quickly fade the minute you use it,” Annie said. “Davy, remember Aunt Muriel?”
“It’s hard to forget. She came screaming out of it with her underwear around her ankles being chased by a swarm of wasps. I thought Mom would die laughing.”
Annie smiled at the memory.
“Do you have your nursery all ready?” Kay asked. “I’d love to see it.”
Henry got up. “I’ll take you. I’ve had it ready for months.”
The minute they went upstairs, Annie started the interrogation. “So, what’s married life like?”
“We’re having fun.”
“Do you ever see her mom?”
“Sometimes, but we ignore each other. Kay doesn’t care. She can barely tolerate her mother.”
Annie turned over on her side. “I wonder what that’s like.”
“She’s never known anything else. How are you getting along with Henry’s mother?”
“I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when the babies arrive. She’ll be camped on our doorstep.”
“I’m sure you’ll put her straight.”
Annie shook her head. “I’d never hurt Henry like that.”
“What do you know? Annie’s been tamed. I think you love the guy.”
“I know I do.”
The entire extended family descended on the bungalow the next day, and because it was hot and sunny, the party was outside. They’d borrowed some folding chairs from the church for the older people in the crowd, but mostly they ate and drank on big blankets laid out on the grass, picnic style.
Annie watched David introduce Kay to his friends and the relatives who hadn’t made it up for the wedding. They reacted to Kay the same way she had the first time, wondering what the heck someone so sophisticated and glamorous was doing sitting in a hayfield eating sandwiches.
David’s friends couldn’t help themselves; they did what they could to attract Kay’s attention, but her eyes were on David almost the entire time. Annie waited to see David look back at her, but it didn’t happen—though, to be fair, David was excited to see his friends and laugh about old times. Annie wondered why she even noticed it. Maybe it was the slightly anxious look on Kay’s face.
It was one of those moments that get filed away, and then remembered years later as the beginning of something.
* * *
That morning Lila and Cricket went to the beach early. Cricket loved to play in the brook with her pail and shovel, and chase after small terns by the water’s edge. Lila would lie back and lean on her elbows watching her daughter in the hot sun, and marvel at how this fabulous little creature belonged to her. Now she knew what her mother must have felt holding her, and that was reassuring. Someone had loved her. She wasn’t the bad girl Mrs. Butts had constantly said she was. She wasn’t a nuisance or a burden or unlovable.
Cricket ran up and plunked the pail in front of her mother. “Wanna help me?”
“What would you like me to do?”
“Make a castle.”
They gathered up the dark sand and shaped it as best they could. Lila dug out a moat and Cricket ran to the brook and scooped up water to pour in it. It took five trips before it was full enough. Then they made a wooden drawbridge with sticks and put small rocks all around the castle so no one could miss it.
As they went back up through the field to go home for lunch, Lila heard the party at the Macdonalds’. She stayed at the edge of the field hoping to sneak past, but old eagle-eyes Annie spotted them and shouted for her to come over. Cricket let go of her mother’s hand and made a beeline for her. She hugged Annie’s knees and Annie bent down as best she could and hugged Cricket back.
“How’s my girl?”
Lila knew she was in for it now. Everyone would ask them to stay for the party. Annie’s mom would make a huge fuss over Cricket and she’d be stuck there for hours. She saw David look at her and then at Cricket. His eyes followed her daughter around as she flitted from person to person, before she stopped in front of Kay and reached out to touch her dress once again. Kay was delighted to see her.
Lila thought maybe she had had too much sun; she was flushed and dizzy. All she wanted was to be gone. She said so to Annie.
“Get out of the sun. I’ll sit with you in the bungalow.”
“No, I need to get home.”
Annie looked at her with suspicion. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I can’t stand people around. It’s like I want to scream when someone comes up to me.”
“I’ve had days like that. I’ll get Henry to drive you home.”
“It’s only across the way.”
“You’re not walking in the sun, so stop arguing.”
Henry was more than happy to help, so Lila scooped up Cricket, who was too busy eating a cupcake to object and they left without saying farewell.
When they got home they drank some lemonade with Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe, who said they were going to wander over to the party. Lila told them to have fun, and then took Cricket upstairs for a nap. Lila lay with her on the bed; the two of them snuggled together.
When Lila opened her eyes again, she knew she’d slept too long. Her body was heavy and her mind foggy. Her pillow was wet from her drool and she had no idea what time of day it was, or even where she was. Her eyes swept the room and then automatically looked over at Caroline’s crib expecting to see her but she didn’t.
Oh, thank goodness, she’s in bed with me. Lila put out her hand to rub Cricket’s back but there was nothing there. She needed to wake up. There was something going on but she didn’t know what it was. The minute she stood up, the realization that Cricket wasn’t in the room sent a nauseous wave of fear through her body. Don’t panic. She’s downstairs with Uncle Joe and Aunt Eunie.
“Cricket!”
Lila ran down the stairs and expected everyone to be in the kitchen or the living room or outside or somewhere. Where was everyone? Why wasn’t anyone home? She ran though the house calling for Caroline. She ran upstairs again and looked under both beds in case Cricket was playing hide-and-seek. Then she grabbed the blanket Annie made for her and Freddy the stuffed dog out of the crib and ran downstairs again.
She had no thoughts. There was disbelief and numbness somewhere above her head, but reality was a dream and Lila wasn’t sure if she was dead or alive. Her heart hurt her chest every time it beat, and that beat throbbed in her ears. Her mouth was so dry she couldn’t swallow. Wake up! Wake up and this will be over.
Her terror sent her running outside in every direction, always expecting Cricket to jump out at her and say, “Surprise, Mama!”
“Cricket! Come to me! I’m not playing now. I want you to come out for Mommy.”
She looked under the front porch and
over by the cold cellar and in Uncle Joe’s shed. Nothing. No one. Nowhere. She turned her head back and forth in the air and shouted, “Caroline! Caroline! Caroline! Baby girl! Come to me!”
She was alone. What was she going to do? And then she heard people laughing in the distance. The party! That’s where Caroline had gone. Back to the party to get another cupcake.
Lila ran as fast as she could, still holding onto Cricket’s things until she emerged from the woods and ran across the field shouting. No one heard her. She screamed at them. “Listen to me! Listen to me!”
She stumbled in a rut and fell but got right back up and kept running. It was then that Lila saw David and Henry rushing towards her.
“Is she with you?! Is she here?”
They finally got close enough. “What’s wrong?” David yelled.
“Is Cricket with you? Please say she’s with Eunie and Joe!”
“I haven’t seen her.”
That’s when the stab of agony hit. “Oh my god. I can’t find her! She’s not in the house. Where is she? Where is she?”
Henry took her by the shoulders. “We’ll find her. I want you to calm down and take some deep breaths.”
“I need to find my daughter! Annie! Annie!”
She lurched past the men and ran to the party, with Henry and David going after her. Everyone at the picnic was suddenly aware that something was wrong. They all got to their feet. Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe hurried towards her. All Lila could see was Annie, her arm holding her belly so she could get to her faster.
“I can’t find Cricket! Help me! Help me!”
“We’ll find her, Lila. Don’t you worry. I’m with you.”
David shouted at the crowd. “Caroline is missing! The little girl who was here earlier. Everyone fan out and look for her! And someone call the neighbours so they can look too. And go to the beach!”
Lila saw Annie’s mother with the same look on her face as the day she found Lila in the snow. That meant everyone was afraid, all of them saying they’d find Cricket but all of them scared too.
Lila pulled on Annie’s dress. “What do I do? Tell me what to do!”
“Everyone will look here and we’ll go back to the house. I’m sure she can’t be far.”
“Did I do something wrong? Was I supposed to be home?” Aunt Eunie shouted, but no one answered her. Uncle Joe rushed through the field.
Lila started after him and soon left Annie behind. Henry and David were ahead of her. Kay was in bare feet racing to catch up. Lila wondered where her shoes were. Everyone was calling out Caroline’s name. Lila tried to keep shouting for her, but her throat was closed. She couldn’t get enough air.
Back at the house, they spread out, searching everywhere. The surrounding trees, the cellar, the bushes, the woodpile. There was nothing.
Lila had to stop running. She couldn’t breathe. She heard Henry tell Annie to go and get a blanket and wrap it around her. Why? Was Cricket in bed? Maybe she was under the blankets. In that hot sun, Lila shivered so severely that Annie put the blanket over her and held her in her arms. “It’s okay. It’ll be fine. She’s wandered off, but we’ll find her.”
David ran out of the woods. “Anything? Has anyone seen her yet?”
No one answered him. They were too busy calling out Caroline’s name.
And then Lila saw Ewan’s truck tear up the driveway. He jumped out and left the door open as he ran into the yard. Lila threw off the blanket and scrambled to get to him, grabbing at his arms. “Oh my god! I’ve lost her, Ewan. I’ve lost her!”
He took her chin in his rough hand and made Lila look at him. “Stay with Annie. I’ll get her. She’ll come to me.”
“Yes, yes.”
Annie picked up the blanket once more and put it around her. Lila was able to catch her breath. It was going to be all right. Ewan would bring her home.
* * *
Ewan knew the woods like the back of his hand. And he was used to seeing things that you might not notice at first, like animal tracks or broken sticks that indicated someone had been there. He had to put his brain on hold. A trick he learned in the war. He had to find Caroline, not imagine where she could be or if she was hurt. He needed to bring her back to Lila.
As he ran though the trees, he was hit over and over again in the face by small stinging branches, and stumbled constantly over rotten logs and downed trees. It wasn’t possible for a three-year-old to get around in such a place, so he headed back towards the house. She might be asleep under a bush or watching an anthill. She loved insects, something he and Lila laughed about.
He heard the other voices calling her name over and over, but Ewan wanted to be able to hear her, so he stayed silent as he searched. As time went by he grew increasingly desperate. They had to find her before nightfall. It was chilly and damp on June evenings, despite the sun’s strength throughout the day.
To his right he saw the house through the trees and remembered how exciting it was to be small and hide so no one knew where you were. He did it himself as a child. He felt this would be about as far as she would go. She’d feel safe seeing her home, so he kept rooting around and pushing aside dead leaves and branches, inching towards something. What, he didn’t know.
Until he saw it.
The old rotten and cracked wood, decaying into the soil, forgotten many years before but now with a small opening. Ewan didn’t want to look. He knew it would kill him.
Holding his breath he peered into the dark well. There she was, a lifeless little doll. He rammed his fist in his mouth so he wouldn’t cry out. He knew he needed to act fast. The well was shallow, but she might still be out of his reach. Taking his pocketknife, he shoved his work boot under a root on the ground, then slowly lowered his body as far as he could go before reaching out and snagging her dress with his knife. It gave him the moment he needed to grab her leg and hold on tight. Then it was a herculean struggle to pull himself and Cricket out of that hole, but he was determined Lila would never see her daughter like that.
Ewan was gasping for air when he finally emerged. He held Cricket in his arms and wiped the wet hair off her face. He held her close and whispered that Daddy was with her and she was safe now.
And then he got up and took the longest walk of his life.
* * *
Lila saw Ewan walk out of the woods with Cricket in his arms. Those around her were overjoyed, but Lila fell to her knees. Ewan came towards her with such a look of sadness, that even in that moment she felt terrible for him. It started to sink in with the others that something was wrong. Henry grabbed the blanket now on the ground and took Caroline out of Ewan’s arms and laid her on it. He listened for a pulse, and started mouth-to-mouth while everyone howled in the background, everyone but Ewan and Lila. They stared into each other’s eyes as Henry did his best to save her, but they knew.
David and Annie were crying in each other’s arms. Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe were in complete shock. Abigail couldn’t look. She hid her face in Kenzie’s shirt. Kay stood to the side, her hands over her mouth in disbelief.
Others gathered and cries of despair rang out. Henry pushed down on Caroline’s chest. He was like a man possessed. It was finally Lila who stopped him.
“Leave her be.” She pushed Henry aside and picked up her child, once again holding that precious body next to her heart. She cuddled her with Annie’s baby blanket and gave her the toy Freddy. “You’re all right. Mommy’s here. You’re fine. Shh. Shh, sweet girl.”
She rocked her back and forth, Henry crying, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
David knelt beside her. “Come in the house, Lila. You can’t stay out here with her.”
“Go away.”
“Please, let me help you…”
Lila needed to get away from these hysterical people. They were scaring her baby. She grabbed the large blanket and wrapped Caroline in
it. Instinctively, Ewan reached over and helped her up. She started to walk into the woods with Ewan behind her.
Aunt Eunie’s voice went right through her brain. “Stop it, Lila! Where are you taking her? Lila! She’s not a dog. She needs to be buried in a churchyard!”
Lila whipped her head around. “You think there’s a God?”
David came towards her. “Lila, let Henry take care of things…”
“…so he can pronounce her dead and have an ambulance come and take her away? So a stranger can put her in a box and bury her miles from home? I’m her mother. I brought her into the world and I will see her out.” She turned around and kept walking. David started after her, but Ewan stepped in his way and shoved him to the ground, pointing right at him.
“Do that again and I’ll kill you.” Lila heard Ewan’s footsteps behind her on the journey to the ballerina tree. Once he asked if he could carry Cricket for her, but she refused. This was her burden.
When they got to the tree it was mid-afternoon. Lila sat on the moss and cradled her baby. “She belongs to the earth. I know where all the creatures of the earth belong.”
“I’m going to get some beach rocks,” he said. “I don’t want anything to hurt her. I’ll be back.”
Lila pulled the blanket away from Caroline’s face. She looked like she’d just come out of the tub. “When you grow up, we’re going to do lots of fun things together. I’m going to teach you how to bake and you’ll learn how to sew. You can help me make pretty dresses. And we’ll be together at the beach every summer. We’ll make sandcastles every day if you want.”
Lila was confused. “Wait. We made a castle. It couldn’t have been today, because today you’re dead. We must have made it weeks ago. But I’m sure that this morning, you were with me. We talked about Freddy. Wasn’t that you? Why can’t you talk now? I think you should wake up. You scared Mommy, but now I think you should stop. Okay?”
The realization that Caroline would never talk again hit Lila like a lightning bolt splitting her skull open. She had a dead child. This child was dead. This morning Cricket was laughing and now she was cold. Lila’s heart exploded into a million pieces, without making a sound.