Hopeless For You

by Hill, Hayden

  My Kade.

  I blinked several times. I'd only read the first few words. I took a deep breath and started reading the text over from the beginning.

  Hey, this is Kade. I got your number from Blaine. Just wanted to let you know Jessica was released today.

  I smiled, delighted he'd taken the time to reach out to me, though also a little disappointed. Sure I was glad Jessica had been released—I'd spent a lot of time helping with the falcon's recovery—but I guess I'd hoped for a message that was, well, a little more personal.

  I couldn't really blame him for keeping me at a distance. I'd exited his life. I hadn't even had the courage to ask Blaine for his number. It had been two weeks since I last saw him and I was still struggling to sort out my emotions. At this point, I wasn't sure whether I was confused or just flat out ignoring these feelings of mine.

  My phone buzzed again. The same number. What now, was he going to tell me how Momma Jeanne missed me or some crap like that? Couldn't he just leave me alone or cut to the real reason he was contacting me?

  I opened the message and my breath caught.

  I love you.

  That was what I needed to read.

  Kade. My Kade.

  The phone buzzed a third time.

  Every day that goes by without you I die a little inside.

  I shoved my chair back, causing a loud scrape, and I stood, just stood there, staring down at my phone. I think I felt tears trickling down my cheeks but I hardly noticed—they were tears of joy.

  "Miss, if you'd kindly sit down!" Professor Barr snapped.

  I looked up but her words didn't really register. I was grinning wildly. "I have to go. Good-bye, Professor."

  She just stared at me, gaping. The rest of the class shifted nervously in their seats. A few people giggled. I hardly noticed. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and grabbed my bag, ignoring Gina's questioning look.

  The professor just watched open-mouthed as I shoved my laptop into the bag. My thoughts were already far ahead of me.

  "He really loves me," I said quietly to myself as I hurried down the aisle. The eyes of every student followed me along with soft murmurs and nervous giggles as they tried to figure out what had happened. I reached the front and hurried out of the classroom into the hall.

  I heard the door open behind me and then Gina rushed up alongside me. "Ash, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing. Please, I just need some time." I left Gina standing there with a stunned look on her face.

  Once I reached the residence hall, I took the elevator to the seventh floor and fumbled in my bag for the pass card. I shut the door behind me and stopped, taking a deep breath.

  I caught sight of myself in the mirror. The dark dye was fading from my hair, leaving it streaked with mahogany and gold. Most of my hair had fallen out of the ponytail I'd pulled it into during class and it appeared windswept and wild around my face. I was still grinning like a fool and I didn't mind the hair one bit. Kind of suited my mood, really.

  I fumbled in my bag to get my phone out and unlocked it with shaking hands. I reread Kade's messages five or six times.

  It took me several tries to correctly tap out a reply. My shaking fingers kept hitting the wrong letters.

  I think I love you, too.

  It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders and a hundred puzzle pieces fell into place. Everything that had been swirling through my mind the past two weeks suddenly solidified into a plan.

  An hour later, I heard the door open.

  My clothes were scattered across my lofted desk as I sorted through what I wanted to keep and what I was going to leave behind. I'd usurped Gina's desk, too, because mine hadn't been big enough. I'd even climbed the ladders on the desks and put some clothes on the bunks just above.

  "What the heck is going on, Ash?" Gina stared at me from the doorway.

  I smiled widely. "I'm going back to British Columbia, Gina."

  Gina's skeptical expression softened slightly and she moved to sit on the edge of the desk and folded her arms. "Are you sure? What are you going to do out there? You're not just doing this because of him, are you?"

  I let out a long, slow breath, trying to rein in my galloping thoughts. "No, it's not just because of Kade. Well, he was a big part of it, I admit, but I'm tired of all this, Gina, and I finally realize I'll never be happy here. I'm going to transfer to the preveterinary program at UBC in Vancouver. It might be too late to start this fall so I'll probably begin in January." I twisted my hands around Gina's. "Please don't think this is a spur of the moment thing. I've been thinking about this ever since we got back. School. British Columbia. Kade."

  Gina looked at me for a long moment and then hugged me hard. "Good for you, Ash. Good for you. I was wondering when you'd come around. I knew your parents were forcing you into premed with me, and honestly, I expected you to drop out months ago. I hoped you would, anyway. I just didn't think you'd have to move to all the way to British Columbia to do it! But I'm glad, I really am." She broke the hug. "I always knew you were the romantic type. Look at you, moving to Canada for a man."

  I nodded. "I want to make it work with him. I really do. He makes me feel alive in ways Devon never did. That internship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I didn't want to go, and I have you to thank for making me. You saved me, Gina."

  She smiled widely, though I thought her eyes seemed a little sad. "Ash. I'm so proud of you. Okay, let's make this happen! What can I do to help?"

  I really loved this girl. "If you could look up flights, that'd be the greatest!"

  Gina nodded. "Done!" She moved over to where my laptop was charging on the desk.

  I went back to sorting through my clothes. We talked excitedly about my future, the flights, Kade. Eventually, I sat with Gina in front of the laptop and began the process of enrolling at UBC. I got on the phone with a student advisor who told me I couldn't go the exchange student path since I was switching disciplines, but I should be able to get credit for most of the courses I'd already taken. I paid the UBC registration deposit and was told not to buy airline tickets until I received my letter of acceptance. Oops. Oh, well, I was going to British Columbia whether I was accepted or not. I was worried I wouldn't get a Canadian study permit in time but I found out US citizens could apply for study permits at the immigration desk right at the Vancouver Airport. I just had to bring my acceptance letter, passport, and a bank statement proving I had enough funds to live in Canada for a year.

  It took an hour of going back and forth between the phone and the web site to get everything set up. The advisor at UBC assured me their semester hadn't started yet. Apparently, classes began September third in Canada, at least at UBC. Here at UT, they'd begun August twenty-first. But all the UBC campus housing was full so I'd have to look for an apartment off campus.

  Next I called UT and canceled my registration. I learned I wouldn't get my deposit fee back but that was fine.

  Finally I put down the phone, climbed the ladder to my bed and flopped down, exhausted from the whirlwind day.

  "Oh, God," I said to the ceiling, which was only about three and a half feet away. "Why am I doing this to myself?"

  It actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I was finally doing what I wanted to do. I was nervous and excited at the same time, though strangely far more nervous than excited.

  Laughing, Gina spun around in her chair to look up at me. "Don't tell me you're regretting this already?"

  "Not at all." I hesitated before adding, "Maybe just a little bit."

  "Are you worried things won't work out between you and Kade?"

  I sighed. "I don't know..." I trailed off, unable to entertain the possibility. I'd been texting him off and on all day, telling him my plans. He'd wanted me to stay at the apartment with him and Blaine during the winter. I told him I wanted to start with my own place first. Though so far I hadn't found anything that appealed to me. Either the places were too expensive or too rundown. He'd fi
nally convinced me to stay at their apartment for the months of September and October because he and Blaine would be at the center, anyway, and I'd have the place all to myself.

  "Come on, tell me what's eating you," Gina pressed. "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

  I got up and sat on the edge of my loft bed, dangling my feet over the edge. My head almost scraped the ceiling. "I just, well, I'm finally doing what I want to do. I can't really believe it's real. I'm taking a preveterinary program at a school in a different country. I have a hot guy waiting for me. I keep waiting for something to go wrong and everything to mess up."

  Gina came over. "Nothing will go wrong." She gave my legs a bear hug. "Trust me, Ash."

  I started to tear up. "But something usually does. It's how my life works. It's—"

  Gina squeezed tighter. "Ash. It'll be fine."

  "Okay."

  She looked up at me, her face reassuring. "The only hard part you have left is telling your folks."

  I nodded, feeling a flutter of anxiety at the mention of my folks. They weren't going to be happy.

  I let Gina take me out in the city and we hit our favorite restaurant, the Nama sushi bar. We talked about the future and promised to stay in touch as much as possible. We reflected on our adventures in British Columbia. I felt sad because I was leaving my best girlfriend behind. I have to admit I'd entertained a secret hope that she'd come too—for Blaine, if not for anything else. She'd gone on dates with three different guys since we got back and though she never really talked about Blaine, I knew she was hurting. You didn't cry yourself to sleep every night because you were happy with how things had turned out.

  Gina and I promised to stay in touch daily. I'd be visiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas so it wasn't like I'd never see her again. But I'd miss her. I always knew one day we'd have to live our separate lives. I just hadn't expected that day to come so soon.

  That night before bed, after texting Kade goodnight, I sat by the window and gazed at the stars on another hot Tennessee night. I was thinking about a bunch of different things but mostly I was dwelling on what Kade had said before we were rescued: if he got through this he wouldn't be my number two. He wouldn't compete with a "dead guy."

  I wrapped my hands around the chain at my neck and pulled Devon's ring out from my t-shirt. I stared at it for a long time. Finally, I took the chain off and set it and the ring inside a small, padded jewelry box. I closed the box and ran my fingers across the mahogany surface.

  Devon would always be close to my heart and I would never forget him.

  But Kade was my number one now.

  * * *

  I pulled my car to a stop behind my stepdad's SUV and gazed at the intimidating mansion. It was a colonial-style home neatly built on an estate overlooking the Holston River. The house was painted surgical white with windows outlined in hospital-bed blue. Attached was a nine-car garage, a servants' quarters, a pool house and a guest house that was almost as big as my floor of the campus residence hall.

  Bill let me in a few seconds after I rang the doorbell. "Good to see you, Asha." My stepdad gave me a hug.

  Inside, my mom waited on the couch beside the glass coffee table, her feet crossed, her scowl in full swing. Bill joined her and I sat opposite them.

  "So how's your semester going so far?" Bill said.

  I forced a smile. "Great. Actually, that's why I'm here."

  Bill nodded warily. "Okay."

  "She wants money, obviously," mom said.

  I narrowed my eyes. She was making this easy. Good. "I don't want your money. I never did. Actually I'm transferring."

  Mom set down her coffee cup calmly. At least the movement appeared calm but I saw coffee spill out onto the coaster. "Don't be silly."

  "I'm moving to British Columbia. I'll be taking a Bachelor of Science degree at UBC. It's basically a preveterinary medicine program."

  "Really?" Mom cocked an eyebrow. "From premed to prevet. Quite the change."

  "The two aren't so different. And it's what I've always wanted to do."

  Mom shook her head. "After what happened, I can't believe you'd ever want to set foot in British Columbia again. Since you got back, we've been calling every day to check on you. To make sure you're all right. And now—"

  "Yeah, about that, I was going to tell you to stop but hey, you can keep calling me every day in Vancouver, too, if it makes you feel better. Maybe someday you'll realize I'm a grown woman. I know you mean well and I know I'm hurting you by moving away but this is something I have to do. Something for me for once."

  I waited but neither mom nor Bill had anything to say. It was so quiet, I could hear the clock ticking on the marble mantelpiece.

  "And how are you planning to pay for all this?" Mom said at last. "Seeing as we're not going to."

  I crossed my arms. "You don't have to. I transferred the UT tuition money out of our shared account to my own. It'll more than cover the UBC fee. If I watch my expenses I should have enough to last a year up there."

  It was Bill who was frowning now. "Are you really going to throw away all your hard work?"

  "I'll get credit for the courses I've taken here. So it's not like I'm just throwing everything away."

  Mom was still shaking her head. "You were always so stubborn. Never listening to us. Always wanting to do the opposite of what we say."

  I actually smiled at that. "Do you really believe that? I listened to everything you said, Mom. Did everything you wanted. I wasn't stubborn, but a coward. I'm only now standing up for myself. One of the many things I learned to do this summer."

  "I knew we should've never agreed to let you go. I knew it would change you. For the worst."

  "It did change me. But not for the worst. Never for the worst. I'm a better person now, Mom. And... and I'm finally over Devon."

  "Is that what this is about? Devon? If he were still alive, you wouldn't be leaving, would you?"

  I exhaled forcefully. I should've known she'd try to twist and distort what I was trying to say. "Of course I wouldn't leave. But he'd want me to be happy, no matter what. I guess I hoped you'd feel the same way. To be honest, I've been living my life on cruise control since Devon died. I guess I was just hoping the other problems in my life would go away because I didn't have the strength to deal with them, not after what happened. But I can't do this anymore. I'm through living my life as an observer." Why was this so hard? I had to push through the emotional pain. Say what I needed to say. The fighter in me wouldn't let me back down, not after everything I'd been through. "Look. I love you both to death. But sometimes you shelter me from the world too much. I need to set out and do things for myself and live my life. I need to love again." I hesitated, not sure if I should tell them anything more. I decided to go for it. I owed them that much. "I met someone at the Peregrine Center. He's not just any boy. I love him. I really do. He saved me." I stood. "So that's it. I'm moving to BC. I'm sorry."

  Both Bill and Mom seemed shocked but I forced myself to turn around and walk through the front door. I didn't look back. There was nothing else I had to do here. I'd already packed everything I needed when I moved to the residence hall. I guess I wasn't all that surprised Mom wouldn't support me. At least she let me go.

  I walked to my hybrid car in the driveway. I had a two o'clock appointment at Starbucks with some girl who'd agree to buy the vehicle from backpage. That would give me a few extra dollars to squeeze by with.

  I heard the door of the house open behind me. It was Bill.

  "Asha," he said. "Your mom will never say it but she's proud of you, I can see it in her eyes. And I am, too. Of course we want you to live your life. Of course we want you to love again. I knew you would. If you ever need anything—money, a plane ticket, or want us to come get you—just let me know. You know how to get in touch."

  "Thanks, Dad." I hugged him. I knew he'd be beaming inside because this was the first time I'd ever called him Dad. When I pulled out of the embrace, I saw his eyes were m
isty and I hopped into my car before I did something silly like cry.

  But then Mom came out and I couldn't stop the waterworks. She ran to me—literally ran—and I got out of my car and gave her a hug.

  "I love you, Ash," Mom said. "So much. You'll do well in Canada. I know you will."

  "Love you too, Mom," I said through the tears. I hadn't spoken those words in so long. It felt good saying them. Really good. I swear I felt an actual weight lifting from my shoulders and I knew I'd be able to live my life standing a little taller.

  I spent as much time as I could with Gina over the next few days. I visited all my special places in the city. I went to my favorite parks and restaurants. Took a jog through the Third Creek Greenway. Hung out in Market Square a lot. Went to the Frank McClung Museum for the first time. Took a lot of pictures from the top of the Sunsphere Tower observation deck. While I was going to miss this city, a part of me was glad to be leaving it all behind. There were some great memories here. And some pretty gut-wrenching ones. No, it was good to be leaving.

  Six days later Gina cried when she dropped me off at the airport.

  Despite my excitement, I couldn't hold back the tears, either. I clung to my best friend at the curb.

  "You're going to miss your flight," she eventually said.

  Gina helped me get my bags out of the car and we both took deep breaths to calm ourselves.

  We hugged for a last time. Not the last time.

  "I'll see you soon," I said, though I knew the soonest I'd see her was Thanksgiving when I flew back.

  "Take care of yourself, Ash. And keep this new look. It suits you." Gina beamed at me through her damp cheeks and puffy red eyes.

  I sniffed and nodded. I'd stripped the dark dye entirely from my hair, leaving it more or less my natural platinum blonde. I wasn't sure what Kade would think of it but I wanted to be me from now on. No more hiding my true self. No more trying to be invisible.

  "Call me if you need anything, okay? I'll fly right out." Gina twined her pinky finger around mine. "Promise?"

  I smiled. "Promise."

  We stared at each other for long moments. If I didn't go now I never would. I gave her one last, sad smile, and then forced myself to turn around and begin walking. I gazed up at the airport terminal.