Amanda gasped. Well, he was seventeen. “We’ll see.” This was about all she was ready to commit to. It was enough.
“Alright! The senior gets wheels!”
Amanda sighed.
~~~
Dinner that night ended up being very eventful. They were celebrating the new car with a big chicken dinner. Elisa had been happy about the car when she got home from school, but Amanda could tell she had something else on her mind. She was quiet at dinner, which was unusual for her. Finally, Amanda asked her what was up.
“Mom, I have to tell you something. I don’t want you to be mad.”
Amanda froze. These are not the words you want coming out of your almost grown daughter. A hundred things raced around in her mind before she answered.
“Mad about what?” She sounded so calm. Yeah, right!
“Hope and I are getting an apartment together.” Hope was Elisa’s best friend since freshman year. They were inseparable. “We’ve been looking and we found one. It’s really nice, Mom, you’re going to love it. After all, I’m in college now, and we just thought it was time. Your not mad, Mom, right?”
Amanda was taken aback. Her baby? Leaving home? She was only nineteen? She laughed at herself. She was nineteen; a grown woman. This was definitely the next step for her. Of course she wanted to spread her wings a little. Unlike Amanda, she would have her mom to fall back on. She would be fine.
“Mom?”
Elisa brought her back into reality.
“Where is this apartment, Elis?”
Elisa filled her in on all the details. She had everything covered. How she would get to school, who would pay what, and so on and so forth. Amanda was truly impressed.
“Sounds like you have it all figured out. How come you didn’t tell me you were planning this?”
“Because I wanted it to be a surprise, and I didn’t want you to talk me out of it. I have to do this, Mom. I just need to have you support it.”
Amanda went and gave her a hug. “Don’t I support everything you do? You’ll be fine…and you better visit me”
“Are you kidding? I’ll be home for those sour cream enchiladas every week! Mom, we’ll still hang out and have mother-daughter days. I hardly see you now with my school and work schedule. You’ll hardly know I’m missing.”
Amanda smiled. She didn’t want Elisa to realize how hard this was on her. It was heart wrenching. “When are you leaving?”
“We’re moving in on the first. Hope’s dad is giving her a bunch of furniture, so everything will be furnished, ready to go. I can take my bedroom stuff, right, Mom?”
Amanda imagined her empty room staring her in the face every day. “I get a spare room? Hallelujah! Of course, Elisa. I’ll help you in any way I can.”
“Thanks Mom. I knew I could depend on you.”
“Great, now can you clean up the dishes?”
“Gladly. Mom, when I’m a guest, do I still have to do dishes?”
Amanda’s heart was sinking fast. “Yes, brat, you do.”
“Dang, how does a girl catch a break around here?”
Amanda was wondering the same thing.
Chapter 13
Amanda and Ray talked long into the night about Elisa’s news. In reality, she typed while Ray read. As much as she felt Elisa was ready for this move, it was so hard to let go of her daughter. She had no doubt that she’d see her all the time, and talk to her even more, but it was still an enormous challenge for her. Elisa was even older than she was at the time she had moved out, but this held little comfort for her now.
“I want so bad to tell her ‘no, you can’t move out’. I want to keep her my little girl, Ray. Once she moves out, she no longer is. She turns into an adult with responsibilities, bills, choices that no longer include Bert or Ernie. How did this happen? How did I get this old? Next thing you know, Alex will be graduating and moving out too, then I will be alone. I dread that day, Ray. It scares me. I NEED my kids.”
“Mandy, this is the way life works. You raise your kids to become mature, independent people. Elisa has taken the first step. She wants her independence and feels confident she can do this. You have to trust that she can, and be there for her in case she falls. That’s all you can really do for now.” Ray was finding it hard to find words to comfort Amanda, not ever having been in this situation. He knew he’d have a hard time as well. Probably all parents who face this for the first time go through this agony. However, knowing her as he thought he did, he knew she’d get through this just fine. He admired her strength, and that was what was going to get her through this.
Amanda sat in front of her monitor and just stared at the words without reading them. She had nothing else to say. She felt emotionally drained. “Ray, I think I will call it a night…I just want to go to sleep so my mind rests. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sleep.”
“Goodnight Mandy. Get some rest. I will talk to you tomorrow.”
“’Night Ray, and thanks for listening.”
She went to bed. However, sleep was not going to be in the cards for her. She felt as if she was losing something very important, when in reality, she should be proud of Elisa and of herself. Ray was right; this is what parenting was all about. Raising your children to be adults and on their own. Someone forgot to mention that it was so painful. She wondered why everything in her life centered on loss. She lost her parents at a young age, lost her husband, then another, dogs, cats, enough already! It was unbearable. She tossed and turned, and finally, she slept.
~~~
Amanda was online telling Ray the many adventures that she had been through since their last encounter. Hazmat duties, running out of gas, being towed and hit on by the toothless driver. He found it all too hysterical
“Amanda, that is just too funny! I can just picture it all!”
“Ray, enough about my exciting life, what’s new with yours.”
“Oh, well I do have some exciting news. I have started looking for apartments. I feel like its progress!”
“Wow that’s great. Have you seen anything good yet?” She thought this was great. It seemed like Ray was actually progressing forward. It was scary in a way too. What did this mean for them?
“I have some good prospects to look at. I have some appointments on Monday. One is right by my job, with an enclosed garage and a security desk. This may be just the place for me. I’ll let you know.”
“Good luck with that, Ray. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Have you mentioned any of this to your wife yet?”
“No, not yet. I don’t want to let her know until I have everything situated. I’m thinking she isn’t going to be pleasant when she finds out, so I pretty much have to have everything packed. Especially things she knows are near and dear to my heart. In fact, I’ve started putting a few things in my trunk. I can take them over to my moms’ house for safe keeping in the meantime.”
Amanda wondered why Ray had to be so secretive. She didn’t know Carrie of course; could she be that vindictive? Did Ray think she would destroy all his stuff when she found out he wanted to leave? Sometimes she thought that there was a lot more to it than what Ray led on. “I hope it all goes well for you. It sounds complicated.”
“Believe me Mandy, it is. But, it will be worth it in the end. For now, she has no clue. She doesn’t care enough to notice anything I may be doing. She’s too wrapped up in her own crap.”
“Well you know if there is anything I can do from here to help, you just have to ask.”
“Thanks, but I want you as far removed from this as possible. I don’t mean just in distance. I never want to give Carrie any indication that our split is anything more than just because we have a horrible relationship. If I thought our marriage was salvageable then I would keep working at it. I’ve tried and tried, Mandy, but it’s hopeless. Carrie will look for any excuse that has nothing to do with her. If she thought, it was because of another woman, then, in her own mind, it would absolve her. She’d be the victim. Nothing could be furth
er from the truth.”
She felt so bad for him. She wished she could help him more. For now, she would just be his friend. Having gone through it before herself (twice), she could lend him some insight. Although, it sounded as though he really had his work cut out for him.
“Just know that I’m here for you Ray, if you ever need to talk.”
“I know, Mandy. That means the world to me. This is just something I have to get through. It helps to know you’re there though.”
Ray wished he could go through the phone and just hold her, just for a minute. He had never met anyone like her. He wanted so much to meet her, to touch her. He wanted to love her. Often when he thought of her, he could not even fathom how much love he had for her. He’d never experienced anything like it…he hadn’t even known he could. He just hoped that someday, he would know her. However, for now, he had to fix his own life.
“Wish me luck, tomorrow. As much as I hate to leave you, Mandy, I better get some sleep.”
“Okay goodnight. Have a great day tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, and as always, thanks for listening.”
Ray clicked off the computer. He sat there and tried very hard to stop feeling sorry for himself. He wondered for the millionth time how he had arrived at this predicament. He fell in love with someone almost three thousand miles away, was on the verge of a divorce, having to leave his kids, albeit with their approval, and had no idea how to go about it. It was almost too much for Ray to bear. Oh well, he thought to himself as he sacked out on the couch, nobody said it was going to be easy. The important thing was to end his marriage. Otherwise, he would never be happy. Even if he never ended up with Amanda, or anybody for that matter, he had to be happier alone, than he was here.
~~~
Amanda mindlessly flicked through the channels on her television. She was really thinking about Ray. It sounded like his impending departure was going to be a nightmare. She knew that no divorce was easy, but he made Carrie sound like some nutcase he was going to have a hard time leaving, not because he didn’t want to, but because she wasn’t going to allow it. It sounded as if the laws on the east coast were ten times stricter than in Texas, which was hard for her to understand. It was as if they still lived in the dark ages, and everything was the husbands fault, no matter what. He’d also looked into keeping custody of the children, and on the east coast, that was almost unheard of unless the mother was Satan herself.
Amanda sighed and propped herself up on the couch settling on watching “Late Night with David Letterman.” It was almost too easy to get a divorce in this state. She did it without much of a production, both times. It was easy as pie…no lawyer, no fights, no bullshit. Poof, marriage gone. It made her wonder if being too easy was really better.
~~~
Carrie lay awake in the early morning and could hear the tapping of the keyboard on the computer. She knew it was Ray, and she just knew he was talking to that woman. She wondered if Ray was having a relationship with her. Her first instinct was to give Ray the benefit of the doubt. He would never do that. He didn’t have the guts. There was no way he could be having an affair and she not find out about it. Nevertheless, she had heard about online affairs. They had ruined marriages and lives. Some people were even murdered. It was in the news all the time. Ray had more sense than that. He wasn’t the type to risk it. He never took chances like that. She couldn’t imagine him chatting online with someone and then wanting to meet her. She laughed to herself; she worried too much.
She decided she would get up and make everyone a big breakfast. She’d have to show Ray that she could be the perfect wife. She wanted to have a marriage. She wanted to have a husband. The only thing was that she didn’t want it to be Ray. Oh well, she thought as she bounced out of bed, no marriage is perfect. She jumped into the shower, ready to face a new day.
~~~
Carrie had eggs, bacon and toast waiting on the table when the rest of the family came down. They seemed to all be in shock, as if she’d never done this before.
“What’s the matter? Aren’t you hungry?” Carrie was getting annoyed at the look on her family’s face. They seemed to keep looking from the stove to her. Like a ping-pong match. She felt her anger rising.
“Are you going to sit down and eat or are you enjoying just watching me cook it?”
The girls silently sat down at the table. They were in shock because Carrie never made them breakfast, especially on a school day.
“It’ll be ready in a minute,” she said in a happy voice. Glenda, Norma and Nikki silently poured themselves a glass of orange juice. They didn’t know why, but they could feel something brewing in the air.
Ray came downstairs just then. “I thought I smelled bacon! I thought I was hallucinating. What’s going on here? Has hell frozen over?” Ray looked at Carrie. She held her spatula in mid-air. She looked at him as if he’d slapped her. “Carrie, I’m just kidding. This is great!”
Carrie was furious! She grabbed the frying pans and flung the food in the sink. She grabbed everything she could off the counter and threw it in the sink. Spoons, spatulas, spices, it was all going. She was crying uncontrollably. The others just stared.
“Carrie! Stop!” Ray went over to her and tried to grab her. She turned around and looked at him with such hatred it made Ray take a step back.
“You get away from me. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Stop pretending to be the doting husband or the doting father, because you’re neither. I hate you Ray Knight, and I don’t know why I ever married you. You want to run off with your Internet slut, then go. Who gives a damn? You can go to hell!” She ran out of the room without looking back.
The girls looked at Ray for explanation. Nikki was crying. This had been one of the uglier scenes in a life full of them. Maybe because she just didn’t understand what her mom was talking about.
“Girls, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what has gotten into your mother. Nikki, don’t cry. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just me. Your mother and I are having some problems. I’m not sure they are fixable. I just want you to be ready for that, just in case.”
This made Nikki cry even more. “Dad, are you going to leave us?”
Ray looked down at his daughter’s sad face and felt his heart break. He had no other choice but to start preparing her. He could soften the blow now and lie to her, or break her heart when he did leave. “Nikki, I can’t answer that right now. If we can’t fix things, I might have to. This isn't about you. All of this is between your mother and me. I love you with all my heart and would never intentionally hurt you, understand?”
Nikki nodded. She couldn’t believe this was happening to her. Why didn’t the other two seem upset? It was too much for her to handle. She picked up her books, kissed her dad without a word, and left for school.
Ray sat at the table with his head in his hands. Why was this so hard?
Glenda and Norma sat with him for a while. “Things will get better, Dad. You just have to do what you have to do. Don’t you even dare think about changing your mind. Nikki will be fine.”
Ray wondered how they could be so sure.
~~~
Amanda whistled to herself as she took inventory in the stock room. Maybe finally things would be looking up for her. Could it be? Elisa would be moving out right after the holidays. Alex would be graduating from high school in May. Ray would be moving out soon. He had found a place to live and had already passed the credit check and everything. As soon as there was an opening, he’d be moving in. He was happy about this. She also sensed he was scared, but he was definitely going through with it at this point. He still had not mentioned it to Carrie yet, but he kept insisting this should wait.
Things between them were pretty much the same. They spoke on the phone occasionally and on the web on weekends. She thought about him all the time and looked forward to the time they could ‘spend’ together. As far as their connection went, nothing had changed in her mind, or her heart. S
he didn’t think it had for him either. Only time would tell if things would work out between them. He had so much to fix on his end, and frankly, she had a ways to go too. She still wanted to be by herself. To find out who she was, and what she wanted. Right now, she still wasn’t sure.
Mariah came into the stock room to see what Amanda was doing. “Everything accounted for, Mandy?
“I think so. There are a few things we need. Syringes, needles, gloves, you know, the usual. We just don’t have room for a lot, but we definitely need some. I will get that order in before lunch, Mariah.”
“Okay, sounds good to me. The pharmaceutical rep brought lunch in, so let’s grub!
Amanda readily put her clipboard down and joined her.
After lunch, she went searching through her purse, willing a phone card to be in it. She wanted to talk to Ray, badly. It had been awhile since she’d heard from him, by either phone or web. It was rather unusual, so she thought she would take advantage of this quiet day and give him a call. Yes! Phone card gold mine! She just hoped one of them had time remaining. She dialed the sixteen or so digits, then finally Ray’s number. She was in luck…there was twenty minutes on this one. As the phone rang, she felt her heart quicken. She was anxious to hear his voice.
“Ray Knight”
“Hi. It’s me. Are you busy?”
“Mandy! I’m so glad it’s you! I was just thinking of you. Of course, you could call me at any moment in any day, and I’d be thinking of you. How are you?” He was happy and relieved to hear this voice. It was like music to his ears.
“I’m doing pretty well, how about you?”
“I’m fine right at this moment. I get to talk to you! Other than that, things aren’t going too well. Things between Carrie and I are worse than ever. She has taken to sleeping on the couch every night. I don’t know which is worse, Mandy, sleeping alone in that cold bed every night, or not having access to the computer, so I can’t talk to you, or even e-mail you.”
When You Least Expect It Page 12