“I saw you in deep conversation with Randy. Everything okay?”
“It’s fine. Oh, you’re ex-husband is a putz.” He put his arms around her and they danced close, even though it was not a slow song. “I’m very happy to be here with you Mandy; to meet your family, and that you allowed me to be a part of this. Thank you.”
Amanda looked to her left side, noticing Dick and Randy were dancing together. She laughed at them, then feeling awkward, took Ray’s hand and led him back to the table. “I need a drink!”
Ray ran off to find her one, and Blossom came over to sit with her. “You’re too much, girl. Why are you over there dancing with the three men closest to you like it’s nothing?”
“It is nothing. I was dancing with Dick, my closest friend, Ray my boyfriend, and Randy the father of my children. What’s wrong with that?” She looked over at Ray. “So do you like him?”
“I think he seems very nice, and he’s so into you.”
“Yeah, I kind of like him too. He just seems to fit here don’t you think?”
“I think he’d fit anywhere you were. All he sees is you.”
They watched him as he made his way back with her soda. Blossom was right, even with all the people milling about his eyes never left her. It made Amanda blush.
“Here you go, Gorgeous.” He sat next to her, never even looking at Blossom.
“No, thanks Ray, I’m fine, thank you.”
Ray looked at Blossom as if trying to figure out what she meant. “Oh god, do you want something to drink? I’ll go get you something, what would you like.”
Blossom cackled. “No, I just wanted to remind you there are other people at this party, not just Amanda.”
He reddened. “So I’m that obvious, huh?” He took Amanda’s hand and kissed it. “It’s just that I feel so lucky to be with her, and my time with her is so limited, I want to devote every minute to her.”
Blossom stared at them, noting how much love there was in his eyes when he looked at her cousin. She stood up. “I think I’m going to be sick.” She stomped off looking for her husband to see if he still looked at her in the same way.
Alex, Elisa and Tom came and sat with their mom. “How’s it going, Mom?”
“Well, Alex, it seems to be a great party. Are you having fun?”
“Yep, it’s a good party. Food is good, and I even get to listen to the kind of music that I like.”
Elisa laughed. “Can’t we listen to some country?”
Alex looked at her as if she had three heads. “What, are you crazy?”
“No, we should, Mom loves country.”
Amanda came to life. “Let’s play ‘Friends in Low Places’ by Garth, and we can all sing together like when you were little Alex! That would be so much fun!”
Alex groaned. “Not Garth, Mom, anything but Garth.”
Amanda and Elisa tugged at his shirttails. “Pleeaassee?”
He relented. “Fine, but I’m not singing.”
“Yes you are!” Amanda ran to the DJ to have him play it. She took the mike away from him for a moment. “Hi everyone! I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for coming, especially those who came from far away. It is a very special occasion for all of us, but especially Alex, who, thank God, graduated today. I’m very proud of you, Al. I want to congratulate you, and tell you that I know you will continue to make me proud. Congratulations, son!” Everyone broke into applause. “I want to dedicate this song to all of you, and if you know the words, please join in. Alex, Elisa and I are going to start you all off. Maestro?”
Garth came over the loudspeaker, and even though Alex had said he wasn’t going to sing, they stood together with their arms around each other and sang about beer chasing their blues away. Amanda was ever so grateful for her children, her family, her life, and yes, Ray, who sat watching them, clapping along and looking like he belonged right where he was…in her life.
Chapter 41
Amanda and Ray were on the way to the airport. Both were quiet and lost in their own thoughts as the car sped through the desert, the tumbleweeds rolling past.
Ray hardly noticed. Consumed by the thought of leaving Amanda again, he felt tormented. He wondered if this was better, if knowing how much he loved her, how much he wanted to be with her, was better than never knowing her at all. Leaving her was so painful; it was like ripping out his heart and having her hold it until they could see each other again. When would that be? They’d go back to their nightly phone calls, their emails, and the ache of loneliness that he felt after each one. He couldn’t stand it.
He looked at Amanda who was holding the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were white. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want him to go, but didn’t know how to tell him. She was tired of their relationship being long distance, she wanted him here, and not just for five days, for always. She wanted to share her life with him on a daily basis. She wanted to go to work every day knowing when she got home he would be there, not the empty house that existed now. Her kids had one foot in their adult life, she wanted someone to stand at the doorway with her and bid them goodbye, happily because that’s what a mother does. She didn’t want to stand there bitter, left alone with no one to help take away the emptiness of the nest. But, how do you say that to someone you are about to put on a plane, a plane that would fly him to his own life, his own trials?
Amanda fought the urge to cry out as she took the exit to the airport. She parked in the garage and they sat for a minute without saying anything.
Ray spoke first. “You know, you don’t have to come inside if you don’t want.”
She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “I want to see you off, Ray. It’s so hard, though.”
“I know. It is for me too. I need to check in though, Mandy.”
She opened the car door. “Let’s go.”
After he checked in, they went to grab something for lunch. They sat quietly as Ray ate his sandwich and Amanda picked at her salad. Finally, she could stand the silence no more. “So what’s up for you when you get home?”
“Same old, same old. I’ll go to work, visit with my girls, and talk to you on the phone. Maybe visit my mom, I don’t know. Miss you every minute of every day; like I said; same old same old.” He smiled and took her hand. “Leaving is the hardest part, Mandy, but don’t let it cancel out all the fun we just had.”
“I’ll treasure those parts. I wish I could put them in a box and pull them out every time I missed you. I have had the best time ever, and I am so happy that you met my family, and they actually liked you. I think even Alex came around.”
Ray thought back to this morning when he had said goodbye to Alex. He asked him to take care of his mother for him, and Alex had hugged him goodbye and promised him that he would. It had brought tears to his eyes. “Alex is a good boy. He loves you so much, and wants to protect you. I understand where he’s coming from.” He looked at his watch. “I’m about to board.” He paid the check and they practically ran to his gate where they were already boarding his plane. He turned to Amanda and enveloped her in a tight hug. He kissed her on the head and whispered, “I love you.”
“Ray…” Amanda’s voice was not even a whisper.
“Don’t Mandy. I’ll call you when I get home.” He kissed her and walked away.
Amanda stood there feeling as if her heart would break. He turned before walking into the walkway, she waved and mouthed ‘I love you’, and then he was gone.
~~~
Amanda cried all the way home. She felt lost, as if her own world was unbearable without Ray, although he wasn’t a part of it now, as she knew it. He was a phone call, an email. Then why did it hurt so much? She sobbed unable to control herself.
She stopped at Hilary’s, not wanting to go back to her empty house. Hilary opened the door, and Amanda fell into her arms, sobbing.
“Mandy, what is it?”
“Ray’s g-g-gone!”
“And this is news to you why?”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, you don’t obviously understand how painful this is! I love him, Hil! I want to be with him. I don’t want to be three thousand miles away from him anymore!”
Hilary stared at her sister wide-eyed. “What are you saying, Mandy? Are you saying you want to move to Maine?”
Amanda stared back for a minute, digesting the question. She flopped down on the couch. “No. I don’t.”
“What do you want?” Hilary plopped down beside her sister.
“I want him to move here.”
Hilary laughed. “Yes, but I think his family might object.”
“Well then how is this going to work? We’re never going to be together and Hil; I’m over forty years old! I don’t have time to sit around and hope for the best. I need to find the best, and now! I can’t waste my time on Ray, if nothing is ever going to come of this.”
“Why don’t you want to move there?”
“I don’t want to leave my kids, my family, my friends, or my life. It’s all I know, Hil.”
“Is that because everything is so hunky-dory here?”
Amanda glared at her sister. “Why don’t you shut up?” She looked down at her hands. “I know my life seems out of control sometimes, but it’s not so bad.”
“Then why are you crying for more?”
Amanda was at a loss for words. “I don’t know, Hilary. Something is missing; I’m just not sure what that something is.”
“Sooner or later, you’ll figure it out, sis. Now quit your whining and help me make dinner.” She grabbed Amanda by the hand and helped her up, putting her arm around her as they both walked into the kitchen.
~~~
Ray arrived home to his apartment, finding it more depressing than ever. He sat on his couch and felt the four walls of his living room closing in on him. He got up and went to the bedroom to lie down. As he lay there, he was very aware of how empty it felt, of how empty he felt.
Life without Amanda was unbearable. As much as he loved visiting her, loved El Paso, loved everything about her life, leaving her was too painful. Every part of his being was still with her, he was an empty shell, just going through the motions. Tomorrow, he’d get up and go to work and come home and eat, then, call Amanda. Why did he come back? What did he have here in Maine?
Suddenly, the phone rang. He let it ring, as he was in no mood to talk to anyone, not even Amanda. He didn’t want her to know how miserable he was, or hear how miserable she was. He needed time to think. The answering machine picked up.
“Hi Daddy, it’s me, Nikki. Are you back from your trip? How was Texas, and Amanda? I hope you had fun, Daddy. I missed you so much, and I have so much to tell you, so call me as soon as you get this, okay? I love you. Bye.”
The pain in Ray’s heart was so severe he thought he was having a heart attack. It hurt so much. It hurt because he was torn. He could never leave his girls. He left them once already, with their mother. If he left the state, they would be devastated. They would hate him. He had to wait until at least Nikki was out of high school. That was four more years.
He poured himself a glass of water and walked over to the window. What would Amanda do? Would she wait for him, or opt for somebody who would be there for her, financially and emotionally, not to mention physically. Would she get tired of spending every night with her phone, or would she choose someone who would come and watch movies with her, take her out to dinner and kiss her goodnight every night. He took a long swallow of his water, as he stared at the Portland skyline. He’d never have to ask her, as he already knew the answer.
He walked over to the phone and begrudgingly dialed Amanda’s phone number. The sadness in her voice when she answered brought a lump to his throat.
“Hi Mandy.”
“How was your trip home?” Hearing his voice reminded her of the emptiness she had felt all day and had been trying to ignore.
“Long and boring; I slept most of the time.”
“That’s good. I spent most of the day at Hilary’s.”
“Did she have nothing but horrible things to say about me?”
She chuckled. “No, Ray. Everybody liked you, even the kids.”
Ray was silent. He wished everyone had hated him; it would make what he had to do a little easier.
“I miss you so much already, Ray.”
Ray didn’t respond. He knew he had to break it off with her, so that they’d both stop hurting. He couldn’t stand it.
“Amanda, I have something to tell you.”
“What is it? You sound so serious.”
“I think we need to cool things. Things are a little out of control.”
“What? Why?” Amanda couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Did I do something? Was it my crazy family? Really, Ray, they’re harmless!”
Ray took a deep breath. “No, it wasn’t your family. It’s the distance between us. It’s seeing you occasionally, and then having to go through the pain of leaving you. Yet, I can’t foresee us getting together in the near future, although I want it more than anything.”
Amanda was crying silently, but her sadness soon turned to anger. “Then do something about it, Ray,” she screamed, “don’t end it. We’ve gone through so much already. If you can’t take the distance, then start thinking about moving to El Paso. You say you love it, you love the desert, and most important, you love me! So then move! What’s stopping you?”
The pain in Ray’s heart was unbearable. He understood her anger; understood her confusion. He was just as confused. “I can’t leave my girls, Mandy. I promised them.”
Amanda grew silent. One of the reasons she had fallen in love with Ray was because of how much he loved his children. How can she now ask him to overlook them, to put them aside for her? She couldn’t. “I understand.” She didn’t know what else to say.
“I wish I could pack everything up and move, Mandy. I want to! It sounds great to start over fresh somewhere, with someone I love, and know that I’m going to find happiness. It’s what I want more than anything; it’s why I got divorced. But I can’t sacrifice my kids to get it.”
Amanda’s anger flared again. “I said I understood. I UNDERSTAND! What I don’t understand is why you want to end this?”
“It’s unfair to you to ask you to wait for me for four years. I don’t want you to wait, to sit home alone with a phone. You’re a beautiful, loving woman, and you deserve more.”
“Shouldn’t that be my decision, Ray? Who do you think you are, deciding what is best for me? Can I have a say in this?”
“The one thing I learned from Blossom and Leeza, and everybody else who cares about you, was that you make decisions based on emotions, not logically. I’m afraid that you wouldn’t be able to separate the two, and then be miserable. I don’t want you to hate me. I want us to still be friends.”
Amanda had heard enough. “You know what Ray? If this is what you think is best…fine! I don’t care. You’re right!” She lashed out, her temper now out of control. “Why should I wait around for you? I’m quite a catch and anyone would be lucky to have me. Obviously, your love for me, your act about finding your soul mate is a bunch of bullshit anyway, so why am I wasting my time with you? I’m not a spring chicken anymore, and I don’t want to be alone. Thank you. Thank you for making this decision for us. Have a nice life, Ray.”
Ray panicked, “Wait!” But she had hung up. Ray stood there, incredulous, listening to the dial tone in his ear. “What have I done?” He hurriedly dialed her number, willing her to pick up. Her answering machine picked up. “Amanda, pick up, please.” He waited…and waited. “Amanda! I’m sorry! Let me explain.” Her machine cut him off. He dialed again. This time, the phone rang and rang. She had unplugged the phone. He hung up and sunk into his couch, holding his head. He had lost Amanda.
~~~
Amanda sat on the other end of the country in a state of shock. She kept replaying the past five days in her mind. What had
she done wrong? She thought he’d had a great time, and he kept thanking her for it. When had he decided to end things? She thought back to his quick exit at the airport. Had he already decided then?
She got up and padded to the kitchen, hoping to find a beer left over beer from the party. Luckily, there was one, so she took it to her bedroom and sat in the dark, drinking it, letting it calm her. She was too numb even to cry. She replayed the conversation in her head. Ray had dumped her! After all the crap she’d been through with her family and friends, everything she had to listen to and defend, they’d been right. He’d taken her for a ride! She felt like such a fool.
She finished her beer and crawled under the covers. She prayed for sleep to come. She was tired of thinking, tired of feeling. She was tired of everything.
Chapter 41
Hilary arrived at Amanda’s early the next weekend. She’d neither seen nor heard from Amanda all week. She hadn’t returned any of her phone calls. Her boss had told her that Amanda was not herself, and she’d missed several days that week.
She rang the doorbell and waited. For some reason, her instinct told her that Amanda was in her bedroom, so after a few minutes, she went around back to peek in her window. She was shocked at what she saw.
Amanda was in bed, buried under the covers. There was garbage strewn everywhere, empty soda cans, beer bottles, and ice cream containers. Some sat settled right on her bed, spoons sticking out of the containers. She couldn’t see Amanda herself, but there was definitely a large lump under the covers. She pounded on the window, determined to wake her up. “Amanda! Wake up right now!”
Amanda shot right up, startled. She looked at the window, where her angry sister stood, pounding on the window. She stared at her in disbelief. “Go away, Hil!” She lay back down and hid under the comforter.
Hilary had been shocked at her appearance. She looked as if she’d not gotten up in days. Her hair was dirty and she looked disheveled. “I’m not going away, Mandy. Open up the door!” She went to the back door and tried it. She was surprised and a little embarrassed that she found it unlocked. She went in and started right in on her.
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