by A. K. Morgen
My parents taught me to follow my heart no matter where it led, and it led me to Dace. I thought my heart would always lead to Dace. Without fate or destiny or whatever magic Odin breathed into us when he created us… I thought I still would have found my way to Dace.
But somewhere over the course of the last days or weeks, I took a wrong turn. Just like Dace, I’d lost sight of so much, and I didn’t know how to get that back. I didn’t know where to even begin. We were both so messed up. And I didn’t know what was right for us anymore. All I knew was that the things worth fighting for, the people worth fighting for… were worth fighting for no matter how hard or long the battle.
The battle stretching before me and Dace was the hardest we’d ever have to fight, but we could find our way back to one another, couldn’t we? I desperately wanted to believe we could, but things weren’t that simple anymore. And my mom couldn’t help me figure out what to do this time. Neither could my dad.
For once, I had to find my way on my own.
I brushed dirt from the bottom of Mom’s headstone and then sat there for a long moment, just remembering. The way she threw her head back and laughed, and the way her eyes sparkled when she was happy. How she dragged me to the gym on Saturdays, and then halfway through the workout, said screw it and took me for hot fudge sundaes.
“I love you, Mom,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to her headstone.
“You good?” Ronan asked when I climbed back into the car a few minutes later.
“I’m fine,” I said, fastening my seatbelt around me.
“Dace thought you would want to come visit her.” Ronan looked over at me before twisting the key in the ignition. The car purred to life, seeming too loud and flashy for a cemetery. How could anyone rest peacefully with the roar of a car directly overhead?
“Yeah, well, he’s smarter than he looks,” I muttered, not missing the way Ronan’s eyes narrowed slightly when he said Dace’s name.
“Touché.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Why do you hate him so much?”
“What makes you think I hate him?” He pulled out onto the road, heading back toward the house. A handful of cars passed by, heading toward the business district and whatever errands awaited their drivers.
I rolled my eyes at Ronan. “Um… you told me as much?”
“Beyond that,” he said, shooting me another quick look. “What makes you so certain I don’t like your boyfriend?”
“You argue with him all the time.”
“So do you.”
“That’s different,” I protested. I argued because Dace needed someone to stand up to him when he got all bossy and authoritative, or when he did stupid things.
Ronan arched a brow. “So you can stand up to him, but I can’t?”
“I didn’t say that.”
He concentrated on the road for a minute, carefully navigating around a massive pothole, before looking at me again. “I argue with him for the same reasons you do.”
“You could try to make his life a little easier,” I said, frustrated accusation simmering in my tone. It bothered me that he disliked Dace so much. Dace needed help; he didn’t need another enemy. “You argue with him over everything.”
“No one else will,” he said. “I’ve seen the way everyone bows down to his every demand. They never question him. Even those wolves of yours have never really questioned him.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yeah,” he said, “it is. Do you really think complacency is doing him any good?”
“Of course not.” I frowned, lowering my gaze to my lap. Dace was already an overbearing, out of control dictator. The last thing he needed was complacency. “But you argue with him because you like to irritate him, not because you want to help him.”
“At the end of the day, does it really matter why I do it?” Ronan challenged.
I guess it didn’t because he was right. Dace needed someone to stand up to him, and no one really did. Like Ronan said, if Dace said jump, everyone jumped. Considering the fact he stopped thinking rationally weeks ago, that wasn’t a good thing. But still….
“You could try to get along with him.” My request lacked conviction. I brushed at the muddy stains on the knees of my jeans.
“Why? He’d still threaten me.”
“Oh, please,” I snorted, twisting toward him. “You’re not scared of him. You just like to hold that over his head.”
Ronan shot me another smile. “It doesn’t suck,” he agreed.
“You threatened to kill him too, remember?”
“Only if he makes me.”
“Bullshit. We both know you’d kill him in a heartbeat if you didn’t need him,” I snapped. I wasn’t stupid, and I didn’t appreciate him treating me like an idiot. I didn’t like him threatening Dace, either.
Ronan chose not to argue with me. “What else makes you so sure I hate Dace?”
I settled back in my seat, reaching deep for the patience to finish this conversation I started.
The car rolled to a stop behind a tanker at the yield sign on the end of the road I grew up on. I didn’t know where the tanker thought he was going. There was nothing but houses in the area.
“I can feel the tension every time you’re in the same room with him,” I said then. “It feels like I’m standing in the middle of a war zone right before the first shot is fired.” They didn’t even have to speak to one another. Dislike rolled from the two of them in waves the size of tsunamis. I was surprised no one else ever seemed to notice it.
“Not bad,” Ronan murmured.
“Will you answer my question now?” I demanded, ignoring his half-amused tone.
He seemed to think carefully about his answer for a minute, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel while we waited for the tanker in front of us to move. “I knew who he was before you came,” he said. “He would have known too, except he spends too much time feeling sorry for himself to pay attention.”
“So you dislike him for not knowing about Sköll and Hati sooner?” I shot Ronan a look of disbelief. How was that fair? Ronan knew what Dace’s dad put him through. He couldn’t keep holding that over his head.
“I dislike him for not protecting Dani.” Ronan’s expression darkened. The leather of the steering wheel creaked under his tight grip. “He could have helped keep her safe if he even tried to understand Geri before you came.”
“That’s not fair,” I whispered, staring at Ronan with my mouth half open. My stomach sank. “He didn’t know.”
Ronan released the break as the tanker in front of us finally inched forward. “I know that, but it doesn’t change anything,” he said. “She’s still dead.”
“You can’t blame Dace for that.”
“Why not?” Ronan looked at me. The mask he wore like armor cracked a little, allowing grief to sweep through his dark gaze again. “He blames me.”
I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn’t because he was right. Dace blamed him as much as he blamed himself. I didn’t necessarily like Ronan, but I felt like I owed him more than evasive lies when we both knew the truth.
“So that’s it then?” I asked. “You blame him and he blames you and that’s the end of it?” I shook my head, frustrated and cold. Breakfast felt like a hard lump in my stomach. “If you hate him so much for Dani, why didn’t you let Hati kill me? Let him know how it feels?”
“If you die, your boyfriend will be useless to me,” Ronan said, tapping the break as my old house came into view. “And I need him to want to live.” He pulled into the driveway, but didn’t shut the car off. He let the engine idle as he stared out at the house. “Besides, I don’t hate you.” He lowered his voice, not whispering but close enough. “And not even your boyfriend deserves to watch you die.”
I sat quietly for a minute, trying to work through our conversation and figure out where it fit. I hadn’t expected his honesty, and now that I had it, I didn’t know
what to do with it. I wanted to hate Ronan for blaming Dace as much as I resented him for threatening Dace, but I couldn’t. More than anything. I just felt sorry for Ronan.
Out of the three of us, I thought his life was the saddest.
“You should go get some sleep.”
“What about you?” I whispered. “You need to sleep too.”
Ronan laughed, the sound cold and remote again. His expression matched. “Didn’t you know?”
“Know what?”
“You aren’t the only one with nightmares.”
I opened my mouth to say… something to him, but no sound came out.
“I’ll sleep when Sköll and Hati are dead,” he said.
crawled into the bed beside Chelle, too drained and confused to hold my eyes open any longer. Fuki followed me into the room, sniffing at the floor once before he huffed and plopped himself down at the foot of the bed. He yawned.
“Goodnight, Fuki,” I whispered, dragging the blanket over myself. I closed my eyes… and was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.
“There you are,” Dace said, turning to look at me when I stepped into my bedroom. His hair was damp, and he didn’t have a shirt on.
My gaze roved over his chest. A little flutter started low in my stomach.
“I missed you.” He moved toward me, one slow step at a time, like a wolf stalking its prey.
The little flutter inside grew.
“Come here,” he said, stopping when his feet touched mine. His eyes blazed with desire. He didn’t wait for me to close the small gap of space between us. He reached out and dragged me against his chest. His mouth closed over mine.
His kiss wasn’t gentle.
I didn’t care.
I moaned at the feel of his lips working against mine, of his tongue twisting around mine. I pushed my fingers into his damp hair to pull him closer.
“You make me crazy,” he panted, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth.
My legs trembled, threatening to collapse beneath me.
He solved that problem by sweeping me up into his arms.
I closed my legs around him, locking his body tightly against mine when he lowered me to the bed.
He growled softly, his hands sinking into the mattress on either side of my head. His mouth moved over mine again, breathing fire into me with his kisses. They were intoxicating, like fine wine.
“I love you,” he whispered, his lips brushing across my cheek and then to my ear. He sank his teeth into the lobe, nipping it lightly and then swirling his tongue across the skin to ease the pleasurable sting. “I want you.”
I tried to say his name, to tell him he already had me, but no sound escaped.
He reared back to look at me with wild eyes. “I need you, love.”
The fire inside grew.
I needed him too. So much I couldn’t breathe. I tried to tell him that, but the words wouldn’t form.
“Why’d you leave me?” he whispered, still breathing hard from our kisses. The desire in his eyes changed, sadness sweeping in to blot out the hungry green lights.
Confusion crept through me. Leave? I didn’t go anywhere. I tried to tell him that, but, again, my mouth refused to work. It opened and closed on command, but I couldn’t push a single sound out.
“Don’t you love me?” He pulled away from me.
My legs landed heavily against the bed.
I panicked, trying desperately to tell him I was right here, that I loved him more than anything. When nothing came, I clawed at my throat, silently screaming at him in my mind. He wasn’t there though. I was alone in my head.
Tears dripped down my face. I mouthed his name, begging him to hear me.
He crawled from the bed, his expression contorted with pain. He stopped at the bedroom door and turned to look at me. “How could you leave me?” he whispered, his voice full of grief and his eyes shining with unshed tears. “I loved you.”
“Dace,” I screamed, but it was too late.
He was already gone.
I cried out, my eyes popping open. Dace’s name echoed in the darkness around me. My heart pounded uncomfortably. My throat felt raw.
“Ari?”
Light flooded the room.
I threw my arm up over my eyes, blinking rapidly against the black spots floating in my field of vision.
“Are you okay?” Chelle asked.
Fuki yipped from somewhere below me.
Reality took shape around me, pushing my dream and confusion away. I groaned aloud. My entire body ached. “Fine,” I mumbled. I took a deep breath, rubbing the palm of my hand into my eyes. They were wet. I’d been crying in my sleep again.
When I pulled my arm away, Chelle stood beside the bed, watching me with concern. “You were crying,” she said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“I….” I cleared my throat. “Bad dream.”
She nodded and perched on the side of the bed. “You were calling out for Dace.”
I sighed. Of course I was.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I stared up at the ceiling, thinking back over my dream. Remembering the look in Dace’s eyes, and the way my heart felt torn from my chest when he asked why I left. The way it still felt like my heart was ripped apart because I had left him. I walked away.
“It was just a dream,” I lied, pushing myself upright in the bed. I slapped auburn tangles out of my face and rubbed my eyes again, wiping away all evidence of my tears.
Fuki put his front paws on the edge of the bed to look up at me. Worry shone in his wolfy eyes.
I reached down and scratched his ears, grateful for his concern. “What time is it?”
“A little after seven in the evening.” Chelle gave me a tired smile. “Ronan wants to leave first thing in the morning.”
“Has he slept yet?”
She shrugged. “He was awake when I got up an hour ago.”
“Probably not then,” I sighed, remembering what he said about me not being the only one fighting nightmares every night.
God, did anyone sleep peacefully anymore?
“He traded his car in.”
“I know.” He told me he planned to do so when he dropped me off. He thought it would be a good diversionary tactic. If Sköll and Hati came looking for us, they wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to find us.
“Fuki will be more comfortable,” Chelle said, smiling over at the little wolf. “He got a Yukon.”
I couldn’t imagine Ronan driving a Yukon. Honestly, the Mustang was a bit of a stretch. He looked like he’d be more comfortable on a Harley, a pack of leather-clad, tattooed bikers riding in double lines behind him.
“Have you guys eaten?” I asked.
“No, we were waiting for you.” Chelle paused a moment. “He’s more talkative tonight.”
I looked over at her.
“It’s weird,” she said, raking her hair back from her face. “He’s never really talked to me about anything before. Now he’s chatty.”
“You never had anything in common before,” I said, trying to be helpful. I understood her confusion. I still didn’t know what to make of Ronan, or why he decided to help me. I’d kind of filed it away in the list of things to sort through later. But his motives were a little easier to figure out where Chelle was concerned. “You both loved Dani, and you both miss her. That’s a starting point.”
Chelle bit her lip, frowning as if in deep thought. And then she sighed. “He’s not as bad as I always thought.”
“He’s not,” I agreed reluctantly. “If it helps any, I’m still working through that one myself.”
She laughed a little, her relief obvious. “I feel bad for never giving him a chance before. He just… I don’t know. He always made me so uncomfortable.”
I could so relate to that one. “He doesn’t like Dace very much. You probably picked up on that. You’re pretty protective of the people you care about.”
“Maybe.” Chelle shrugged, clearly uncomfortable.
She didn’t see herself like that at all. She was a lot like me, forever questioning her own strength and where she fit into all this madness. I hoped she had better luck figuring out where she fit than I did.
“Speaking of Dace, have you talked to him yet?” she asked.
“No.” I shook my head, the guilt from my dream creeping back in to sting at me. He looked so heartbroken. Even now, the accusation in his eyes burned me. God, I missed him. But I still didn’t have any answers for him. “Does that make me a completely awful person?”
“Of course not.” She reached over and touched my hand, giving me an encouraging smile. “You two have been through a lot in a matter of months. It’s not wrong to need space to sort things out for yourself for a little while.”
“It’s not that,” I admitted softly, staring down at Fuki. He had his eyes closed, enjoying my inattentive petting.
“What’s wrong?” Chelle asked when I didn’t continue.
I sat quietly for a minute, trying to put my thoughts in order. Truth was, no matter how much leaving Dace hurt or how guilty I felt about it, I was angry with him. He practically pushed me out the door, and then made no move to stop me. Part of me wished he would have asked me to stay, but the other part knew, even if he had asked, I would have gone anyway. I knew it wasn’t fair to be angry at him for a choice I made for myself… but knowing that didn’t change how I felt.
“Ari?” Chelle prompted, reaching out to touch my shoulder as if to remind me she was still there, waiting for a response.
“We were barely speaking when I decided to leave,” I whispered. “He shut me out, so I ran.”
“I’m sorry,” Chelle said, her voice full of sympathy. “I don’t think he blames you for going though, Ari. We all knew he wasn’t handling any of this well. With you there….”
“Yeah,” I said. “With me there….”
That’s the part that made me angriest. He didn’t even try to see things from my point of view. He decided my life meant more than his, and nothing anyone said or did changed that for him. If Sköll or Hati showed up… if given a choice between me or Chelle and Beth… would he let them die? Let the world die?