Because a life without Carson in it was just too sad to consider.
“You okay?”
I turned from where I’d been standing, staring out the kitchen window for the past…well, I honestly had no damn clue how long I’d been standing there. I’d lost all track of time since Cassidy walked out the door the previous afternoon. I’d gone about my evening like a zombie, not saying a word to anyone. For the first time in what felt like forever, Navie and I didn’t eat dinner at the main house. I’d woken up this morning feeling empty as I went about making coffee and preparing for the day, only realizing once I looked out the window at the beautiful land around me that I wasn’t even sure if I still had a job. Navie stood in the doorway, regarding me pensively.
“I’m…” I didn’t know how to answer. I wasn’t sure what I was. In that very moment, I was numb. “I’m fine, little bit,” I lied, not wanting to cause her any more grief than she was sure to already be in after witnessing the scene the day before. She’d looked up to Cassidy like she was some sort of hero. I didn’t want to think about how finding out the truth could have crushed her. I could see it in her eyes the night before that she wanted to go, wanted to be around the people she’d formed such strong bonds with, but she didn’t say a word when I told her I wouldn’t be heading that way for dinner. Loyalty was one thing we held strong to, growing up in the system, and I watched with a broken heart as she firmly planted herself at our kitchen table and didn’t say a word about it. Navie felt her loyalty should be to me, unwavering. Guilt washed over me when she said with a fierce determination that if I wasn’t going, neither was she, despite my insistence that she go anyway.
“Do you think…do you think they’ll make us leave?”
It was a question I’d been wondering myself. Unease coursed through my blood at the thought of what would happen if the Sheffields put us out after Cassidy told them what happened between us. I hated the idea of dipping into the money I’d saved up for Navie, but if they put us out on our asses, I wasn’t going to have much of a choice.
Sucking in a deep breath, I tried my best to come off calm and reassuring, even though I was a mess of anxiety inside. “Everything’s going to be fine, little bit. I promise.”
“But—”
“No buts. We’ll be fine. You’re going to be late for school.”
“Carson, I think I should stay with you today.”
The insecurity in her voice was like a blade dragging across my skin. “No, you need to go to school. It’s almost over, Navie. Just a few more weeks. I’ll take care of everything here. There’s nothing you need to worry about.”
She stood silent for several seconds and what she said next practically tore me in two. “You know, I thought the happiest day of my life was the day I got my acceptance letter from NYU. I was so excited at the chance to finally get out of this damn place.” Her expression grew pensive as she stared off into nothing. “But I’ve started thinking that maybe leaving is a mistake.”
“Navie—”
She cut me off with a wave of her hand. “Just hear me out. It’s been you and me, just the two of us for so long, Carson. And the more time that passed, the more I started to worry about the idea of leaving you. Just thinking about starting over in New York while you were still here ate at me. I didn’t want to do it.” I opened my mouth to speak, but she wasn’t done. “But then you met Cassidy,” she said softly, tears brimming in her eyes. “I saw how much you cared about her, how much you changed the moment she came into your life. Then I met her and I got it, you know? I understood how it was so easy for you to fall for her. And I started to think that maybe leaving wouldn’t be so bad, because you had someone else. You wouldn’t be alone. Just knowing that made my decision a little easier.”
“Little bit…”
“I just want…” She trailed off as two lone tears broke free. “I just want you to really think about what you’re doing, Carson. Really think about it, okay? I understand you, probably better than anyone else ever could, but I’d hate for you to let your past dictate your future. I don’t want that for either of us. I just want you to be happy.”
With my heart in my throat, I stood silent for several seconds, trying to calm the intense emotions rioting through me. Finally, I was able to speak. “I’m going to be just fine, sweetheart. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“You sure?” she asked, those expressive eyes so full of doubt.
“I’m positive, sweetheart. Now, get going before you miss the bus.”
Hesitantly, she turned and picked up her backpack, looking over her shoulder once she made it to the door. “You’re the best brother I never had, Carson.”
“And you’re the best sister I never had, little bit.”
She walked out the door with a small smile, and I was left praying to God I could somehow keep my promise.
One day had bled into the next and then the next, and the only saving grace that was able to pull my mind from the tightness in my chest was the fact that Kal hadn’t said so much as a word about firing me or making me and Navie leave the ranch. But even after that weight had been lifted, I still felt the dull ache behind my ribs every time I spotted Cassidy from across the pasture. Even though there were times I couldn’t take my eyes off her, I always made sure she never caught me looking. Seeing the sorrow in her eyes would have gutted me. I just couldn’t do it.
“Hey, man.” I turned to find Zeke standing on the ground below me, arms resting on the side of the pickup bed I was hauling bags of feed out of. “You all right?”
“Fine,” I grunted as I lifted another bag up and tossed it to the ground.
“You sure? ‘Cuz you kinda look like someone took a piss in your Cheerios this morning.”
“Said I’m fine,” I grumbled, not in the mood to deal with Zeke’s smartass, even though he didn’t mean anything by it.
“All right, brother.” He held up his hands and started backing away, my mood brokering no room for any more jokes. “I’ll just leave you to it.”
I went back to unloading the back of the truck, not bothering to acknowledge anyone else who walked by. Kal gave me my jobs and I did them; I didn’t want to cut up with the other guys like I usually did. It wasn’t until I’d hopped down from the truck to haul the feed into the barn that I saw Willow’s shiny blonde hair blowing behind her as she ran toward me.
“Carson!” she yelled, like she always did.
There was no stopping the smile that tilted the corners of my lips at the sight of the little girl. Even with all the shit dumped on me at present, I couldn’t find it in me to let my dark mood fall on that little ray of sunshine.
“Hey there, Doodle Bug. What are you up to?”
As usual, her little arms wrapped around both of my legs, locking them together the moment she made it to me.
“Whewe haves you been?” she asked, turning her chubby cheeks up to look at me.
“What do you mean, baby girl? I’ve been right here.”
“You don’t come to dinnew no mowe. Awe you mad at me?”
The way her bottom lip jutted out and began to tremble nearly took me to my knees.
“No. God, no, sweetheart,” I told her, lowering to my haunches and tucking her tangled hair behind her ear. “I could never, ever be mad at you, Bug.”
“Then why don’t you come to Unca Kal and Aunt Milly’s anymowe?”
“I’ve just been real busy, honey, that’s all.” I tried my best to placate her, but unfortunately, the little girl was a lot more aware than I’d ever given her credit for.
“Did you and Mommy have a fight? Is dat why she’s so sad?”
No one could land a direct hit straight to the gut like Willow could. Talk about a punch in the throat. I had no idea what to say to make the situation any better. I had the feeling lying would be a wasted effort, but at the same time, I didn’t want to say or do anything that would upset her more. I was in unchartered territory, so I did the best I could.
“I�
�m sorry your mommy’s sad, sweetheart. Sometimes grownups fight, but that doesn’t mean I’m mad at you, baby. I promise.”
“Maybe you should tell Mommy youw sowwy and give hew a kiss like you always do. That always seems to make hew happy. Maybe that will make hew stop cwying.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I grinned, even though it felt foreign on my face.
“So, you think we can play pwincess and dwagons latew?”
At that moment, I would have said anything to make Bug’s face light up, even if I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. “If I get a chance, you’ll be the first to know, baby girl.”
“Pwomise?”
“I promise,” I croaked as emotion tightened my throat and made it difficult to speak.
Her little arms came around my neck, giving me one of the best hugs I’d had in my life. Without giving it any thought, I brought my arms around her and held her tightly to me, never wanting to let her go.
“I love you, Carson,” she whispered into my ear.
“I love you, too, sweetheart. More than you’ll ever know.”
She skipped away happily, throwing me a wave from over her shoulder as she went, taking the last piece of my ravaged heart with her as she went.
Four days.
Four long, agonizing days had passed since Carson kicked me out of his house. While he hadn’t actually said the exact words ending our relationship, the radio silence I’d received from both him and Navie was all I needed to know we were well and truly done. The hardest part of losing the person I loved was probably the fact that I still had to see him every day, knowing all the while that he wanted nothing to do with me. He wouldn’t look in my direction, wouldn’t speak to me. If we managed to stumble into each other’s path, Carson made a conscious effort to turn back and find another way to go.
I’d watched from a distance as he interacted with Willow once since we split, but I had a sneaking suspicion that was due more to the fact that my baby girl was a persistent little one and went out of her way to seek him out.
Lana’s melodic voice called out from behind me, startling me from me depressive thoughts. “You know, I never thought there was such a thing as too much gardening. But you’ve managed to prove me wrong on that one.” When I didn’t respond, just continued planting and tilling, she continued. “Cass, you’ve been in this damn garden for four days straight. There isn’t a single weed in sight. You’ve added six new rows of vegetables, for Christ’s sake!”
“What’s your point?” I asked, still not taking my eyes off the task at hand.
“My point is,” she stated, coming to sit on her knees next to me, “that it’s time to step away from the gardening. Come inside. Take a shower. We can go out for a drink or something, get you out of the house.”
“I don’t want to go out for a drink, Lana. I’m not in the mood to leave the house, and gardening is the only thing that keeps me calm.”
“Damn it! Stop!” Lana grabbed my hands and yanked them away from the soil, drawing my startled gaze to hers. “Just stop, Cass.”
She held my hands firmly in her grip, refusing to let go when I tried pulling away. “I love you, honey; you know that. Love you with all my damn heart, which is why I can’t stand seeing you close yourself off from the world again.”
“Lana, I’m not—”
“Yes, you are!” she shouted, cutting me off. “You’ve reverted right back to the person you were before you met Carson. You keep yourself closed-off, shut down from everyone who cares about you. Your smiles are forced, your laugh is fake, and I’m missing that shine that’s been in your eyes for the past few months.”
Tears worked their way up my throat, the burning and stinging of them making their way past my nose and to my eyes as I stared at the anguish written all over my best friend’s face.
“I’m fine,” I lied in a weak voice, watching as Lana’s lips thinned into an aggravated line.
“Stop lying,” she ground out. “You’ve been walking around for the past four days like a zombie. You try to act like you think we’d all expect of you, but you’re just a shell of that. We see it, Cass. Be angry, be sad. Christ, be anything you feel, just be something! Something other than this poor imitation of the Cassidy we all love.”
“Lana…”
Her eyes shined fiercely as she continued. “If that asshole can’t see past what you were to who you are now, then it’s his loss. He’ll be the one missing out on all the beauty that is you, babe. And believe me, there’s a lot of beauty. Don’t let his opinion or his actions diminish that. Don’t let yourself believe anything less. If you need to do something to prove you’re a good person, then do it. But do it for yourself. Not for him. Do it so you can feel better about moving on with your life and being happy. Because whatever happens with you and Carson, never, ever doubt that you deserve happiness. You’re the most deserving person I know and it breaks my heart to see you like this, like you don’t think you’re worth everything.”
At her heartfelt words, my tears broke free, trailing down my face as I leaned in to Lana. I managed to pull my hands free in order to wrap my arms around my best friend, absorbing every single ounce of love I felt radiating from her.
She was right. It had been so long since I actually allowed myself to feel pure, unadulterated happiness. It was true that my baby girl managed to lighten my heart and that the people around me made me smile genuinely on a daily basis, but it hadn’t been pure. Even when I was with Carson, that underlying sense of guilt and self-loathing wouldn’t allow true happiness. It was time I did something to break the cycle I’d been living in for so long.
“I love you,” I whispered into her dark brown hair. “You know that, right?”
She pulled back from me and held on to my shoulders. “And I love you. Even though you’re stubborn and hard-headed and make me want to shake you until all that damn doubt falls out of your head.”
I laughed as I went in for another hug, holding on tight as I thought about everything she’d just said.
And I knew what I had to do.
The house was silent. Dinner had been served, Bug had been bathed and tucked in, and the sky had darkened hours before. I’d psyched myself up for what I was about to do, but as the hours ticked by and I stared at the screen of my laptop, my fingers had begun to bounce restlessly on the keys.
After two bedtime stories to ensure Willow would be down for the count, I’d kissed Kal and Milly goodnight before locking myself in my bedroom. And as I sat on my bed, propped up by a mound of pillows, I glared down at that blinking cursor, agitated that the right words wouldn’t come.
When I wasn’t staring at the cursor, I was scrolling through the pictures on the opened Facebook page, looking at the bright, smiling faces cheesing it up for the camera, and I found myself grinning back at some of the goofy pictures. There was no denying it—Freya and Parker were happy. Judging from the profile picture of a teary-eyed, wide-smiling Freya staring down at Parker while he was on one knee, I knew they had recently gotten engaged, and I felt my chest swell with happiness for the both of them.
The hatred I once felt for Freya Linden had long since disappeared. Clicking through photo after photo of the clearly-in-love couple, I found myself sighing in relief that they’d managed to find their way back to each other after all the destruction I’d caused each of them.
Sucking in a fortifying breath, I scrolled back down to the blank message field I’d pulled up on Freya’s page at least an hour earlier and started typing, deciding to just speak—or type, as it was—from the heart.
Freya,
I know the moment you see this message you’ll more than likely delete it without reading all the way through. I wouldn’t blame you one bit. But I’m going to ask you, please don’t do that. I know it seems selfish to ask anything of you after what I’ve done, but please just read this through before deleting it, because there’s one very important thing I need to say to you.
I am so, so sorry for everythin
g I put you through. I’m not writing to make any excuses for what I did, because purposely ruining your relationship with Parker is inexcusable. The pain I caused you, the bullying, the tormenting—it’s all inexcusable. So I’ll spare you the pathetic woe-is-me pity party. The sole purpose of this message is to tell you that, from the very bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for everything.
No amount of saying that will make things right, and I’m not going to ask your forgiveness because, honestly, I would never expect it, but I just felt…well, I guess I just needed you to know that this is how I feel. I was mean, selfish, cruel…hell, let’s just put it out there, I was a downright, raging bitch. There are so many regrets I have in my life, you’ll never know, but what I did to you and Parker was the worst.
I owe the BOTH of you an apology, but I’m extending this to only you for one main reason. Parker is all yours. Judging from the pictures I saw, I know this to be true, 100%. After everything I did to YOU, I feel it would be wrong to reach out to him without your knowledge. So I’ll ask—even though I know I have no right, whatsoever—that if you have it in you, please extend my apology to him, as well. If that’s not something you feel you can do, I would completely understand.
I don’t know if it would make you feel better to know this, but rest assured, karma came back around and bit me right in the ass for all the bad things I’ve done. I’m not looking for sympathy, so please don’t take what I just said that way. I just wanted you to feel relief in the fact that people who do wrong in their lives get what’s coming to them.
Okay, well, I know this message seems to be going on forever—sorry about that—so I’ll wrap it up. While I don’t expect a response from you, I want you to know that, if I could, I’d give anything to express my heartfelt apologies in person, but considering the massive difference between Texas and Washington, I know that’s not a possibility. But if you were willing to HEAR me apologize instead of just reading it in an impersonal message, well…I’d really love that.
Shrinking Violet (Colors #2) Page 18