Shrinking Violet (Colors #2)

by Jessica Prince

  I’m so happy for you and Parker, and I hope you both live long and happy lives together. God knows you both deserve it. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret hurting you, and I hope that reading this message will give you at least some of the comfort that writing it has given me.

  Be happy, Freya. I really and truly mean that.

  Sincerely,

  Cassidy.

  I typed in my phone number and hit send before I had a chance to second-guess myself. After four years of living with a guilt so strong it ate at me every single day, I finally felt like I was on the road to freeing myself from it. With that one message, I was finally beginning to forgive myself. Lana was right; I didn’t realize how badly I needed to prove to myself that I was a good person. I had no clue what sending that message to Freya would lead to, but the weight that lifted off my shoulders after hitting ‘send’ proved to me that I’d done the right thing.

  I was finally starting to see in myself what everyone who loved me saw.

  I was a good person.

  I’d spent so long trying to prove that to everyone around me when, the truth was, I only ever needed to prove it to myself.

  After closing my laptop, I rolled over to turn off the lamp on my bedside table and pulled the covers up around me. That night, I went to sleep feeling a little lighter, a little freer. And despite the fact that my heart still ached from losing Carson, I went to sleep with a small smile on my face, happy with the knowledge that I was finally taking steps in the right direction.

  I had nowhere to go from there but up.

  “Son of a bitch!”

  Lifting the arm that held the wrench I’d been using for the past half-hour, trying my damnedest to turn that rusted fucking bolt on the piece of shit tractor’s engine, I let it fly across the shed where it banged loudly into the wall before falling to the dirt floor. I didn’t know what I was thinking; maybe I’d been hoping that throwing the wrench with all my strength would release some of the tension that had been building up inside of me for the past month. But as it landed on the dirt with a dull thud, the immense weight on my chest remained, leaving me feeling hopeless, restless…angry.

  “What’d that wrench ever do to you?”

  Spinning around on the dusty heels of my boots, I saw Kal in the doorway of the shed, resting against the frame, his arms crossed over his barrel chest as he regarded me with a mixture of humor and boredom. There was no denying that I was beyond grateful to him and Milly for letting me and Navie stay on with them after things with Cassidy went up in flames weeks before, but the last thing I was in the mood for at that moment was dealing with the giant man and his thinly veiled threats—which I’d been getting a lot of.

  “No offense, Kal, but this tractor’s a piece of shit. There’s no fixin’ it.”

  “I know,” he answered casually as he strode into the spacious shed, walking over to the tool bench and resting his rear end against it. “That’s why I bought a new one. Should be here within a week.”

  “What the hell?!” I shouted, letting my agitation get the best of me once again. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “Then why the fuck did you send me in here to work on this?”

  “Because you’ve been a pain in the ass to work with for the past month, and the boys are about ten seconds away from stringin’ you up and beatin’ on you like a damn piñata. Figured I was doin’ everyone a favor.”

  “I haven’t been that bad,” I lied gruffly, knowing good and well I’d been more than just a pain in the ass.

  Kal’s deep, rich laughter filled the space around us, echoing off the walls and tin roof. “Son, you’ve been a miserable bastard. If I didn’t look at you as family, I’d have kicked your ass myself just for the pleasure of shutting you the hell up for a couple of hours.”

  Resting my hands against the side of the tractor, I hung my head and inhaled deeply before blowing the breath out through my lips. He was right. I knew it, he knew it—hell, every damn person I’d come in contact with on the ranch knew it. Even Navie had been giving me a wide berth over the past weeks, not sure when or if I’d snap and bite her head off. Everyone—including myself—knew the cause of my bad mood, but no matter how much I wanted to talk to her, no matter how badly I craved her touch, her smile, the sound of her voice, I couldn’t get what Cassidy had done out of my head. I’d never loved anyone as deeply as I loved her. I’d never loved anyone, period. And to find out that she’d once been capable for doing such horrible things…well, it crushed something inside of me.

  I’d experienced so much pain growing up at the hands of people who wanted to prove themselves stronger by taking their anger out on me. I’d seen Navie hurt over and over again by the same types of people. I couldn’t stand the fact that the girl who held my heart had been just like the rest of them. It killed me. Loving her suddenly felt like a betrayal, to myself and to Navie. I’d made promises to the both of us to never again allow people like that to hurt us, and I’d gone and fallen in love with one of them.

  What did that say about me?

  Was I that pathetic, that desperate to have someone of my own that I could be so easily fooled into seeing someone for more than they were?

  “Sorry,” I grunted as I ran a hand over my face in frustration. “I’ll check myself when I’m around you and the rest of the guys from now on.”

  Kal pushed his large frame from the tool bench and came to stand at his full, intimidating height. “That’s what I want to talk to you about, son…”

  Before he could finish the sentence, icy dread began prickling at the skin at the back of my neck. “You’re not firing me, are you?” I interrupted. “Kal, man, I understand that you might not like me very much after me and Cassidy…after we…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. “I need this job, Kal. I can’t lose it. Me and Navie got nowhere else to go.”

  “Boy,” he bit out, “will you shut your damn fool mouth for a second? Christ, I’m not firin’ you, Carson. And you should know me and Milly better than that to think we’d ever put you and that little girl out because of something as small as a breakup.”

  Funny thing. That breakup didn’t feel so small to me; it felt like a goddamned vice was crushing my chest and squeezing the air from my lungs. Something about the way he downplayed it with just that one word didn’t sit right with me, but I decided against saying that out loud considering he wasn’t finished.

  “Son, I know you got a shit deal outta life growing up. I can’t imagine what it must have been like, livin’ each day without feelin’ that sense of security. But there’s something you gotta realize now—family’s family, be it blood, or chosen. Once you’re in someone’s heart, there’s no gettin’ out. You and that little girl are in my and Milly’s hearts now. You’re family. Nothin’ on God’s green Earth is gonna change that. Not even me wantin’ to kick your ass on an almost-daily basis.”

  With that, I released the breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. Kal’s words gave me something I’d never felt before, something he’d just acknowledged himself. They gave me a sense of security.

  “Thank you,” I spoke in a low, guttural tone, my words full of emotion I couldn’t keep out.

  “Welcome. But that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. I’ve kept my nose out of you and my niece’s business for a month now, lettin’ y’all go on like a bunch of idiots, but that ends today.”

  I looked at the big man in shock. “You call threatening to snap me like a twig nearly every other day keeping your nose out of our business?”

  “Well, yeah. It’s not like I’ve gone into detail why I wanna snap you like a twig, I simply tell you I’m gonna do it.”

  At Kal’s irrational reasoning, my head fell back in laughter. “You’ve got a whacked way of thinking about things, old man.” I chuckled.

  “I’ll show you old man when you’re walkin’ round with my boot up your ass.” I somehow managed to stifle my laughter as he glared at me from over the broken-down tractor. Once
I grew quiet, his glare morphed into something else, something I couldn’t quite recognize. “My baby girl,” he started, and I felt my spine stiffen at the mention of Cassidy. “She didn’t have an easy life growin’ up, either. I’m not tryin’ to compare your situation to hers; I’m just tryin’ to shed a little light on where my girl’s head was at when she did the things she did.”

  “Kal,” I cautioned, but he forged ahead like he hadn’t heard me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want excuses for why she’d hurt people the way she did, but Kal didn’t seem to care about that and just kept talking. And what he said next froze me on the spot.

  “She didn’t grow up with love either, somethin’ you two have in common, I reckon. That mother of hers…” He trailed off with a disgusted shake of his head. “I never did figure out how my Milly came from the same blood as that evil woman, but she did. It’s a miracle to this day my woman came out the way she did. But Cassidy wasn’t as lucky. Goddamned pit vipers got more love in their hearts than that woman did. And the piece of shit she married wasn’t any better. Don’t know why the hell the two of them ever had a kid in the first damn place. Those two barely had it in them to like each other, let alone a kid, no matter it was their own flesh and blood.

  “Happiest day of my life was when Cass came to live with us. But she came to us broken. Eighteen years of livin’ with two people whose only goal in life is was to crush the spirit right outta you will do that to a little girl.”

  “Christ,” I muttered, running my hands through my hair anxiously, my chest flayed open by what I was hearing. “She never told me any of this.”

  “Doesn’t surprise me.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Cuz from the moment that girl stepped foot on this ranch, she’s been doin’ nothin’ but punishin’ herself for what she did in the past. Four long years passed, and the whole time she was convinced she wasn’t worthy of anything good. Wasn’t deserving. Then Bug came along, and she gave that baby girl the world. Best damn mother I’ve ever seen,” Kal said softly, a small, wistful smile on his sun-ravaged face. “Cassidy’d go to the ends of the Earth for that girl. She’s raisin’ her to be a good woman, even though she’s convinced she’s not one herself. From the time Cassidy pushed her out, she’s done everything in her power to prove she could be a better momma than the one she was stuck with.”

  I spoke with admiration. Despite everything going on, there was no way I’d ever deny Cassidy was a fantastic mother. “I’d say she succeeds in doing that every single day.”

  “And I’d have to agree.” Kal began to move, coming around the front of the tractor to where I was standing. “Look, kid. I’m not tryin’ to tell you what to do. If you can’t find a way to move past what she did back then and see her for who she is now…well, it’d be a cryin’ shame, but it’s your choice. I just got one question for you, and I want you to think long and hard about it.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “If you grew up needing nothing more than to feel loved, to feel wanted by anybody—that longing so deep in your bones there’s no escaping it, it damn near cripples you—what lengths would you go to just for a chance to grab onto it and hold on with all your might?”

  After laying that on me, leaving me feeling like he’d just dropped the mother of all bombs, he clapped me on the shoulder and started toward the door before stopping one last time. “I know it’s hard for you to believe, son, but people can change. All you need is a pure heart and a strong character. I think we can both agree our girl’s got both, in spades.”

  With that last parting shot, he disappeared, leaving me questioning everything I thought I believed for all these years.

  Leave it to Kal to impart wisdom in a way no one else can.

  With a swift and powerful punch to the gut.

  I looked down at my phone for probably the millionth time in the hopes of seeing a response to the message I sent Freya a month prior.

  Nothing.

  It wasn’t surprising. Just as I’d told her in my long-winded message, I wasn’t expecting a response. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t holding on to a tiny piece of hope that I’d hear something back.

  Through the wonders of technology, I could see that she’d at least opened the message, so that had to be something. I just couldn’t help but check my phone for any kind of response.

  Shaking my head in frustration at myself, I dropped my cellphone on the kitchen counter and went back to work, baking bread for the following day’s trip to the farmer’s market. And just as luck would have it, I was elbow-deep in dough when that stupid phone decided to ring. Looking at the screen, a trill of excitement shot through me. It wasn’t the unknown number I’d been waiting for, but it was even better.

  The selfie I’d taken of Navie and me popped up on the screen, filling my chest with anticipation. Navie hadn’t spoken more than a handful of words to me in weeks, so the fact she was calling just then had to mean something. I just hoped whatever that something was, it led us in a positive direction.

  “Hey!” I answered excitedly, trying my best to hold the phone without dropping it while keeping it from being ruined by my doughy fingers at the same time. “Navie? You there, sweetheart?” I asked when a few seconds passed and I didn’t hear her voice.

  My heart dropped, and I’d started to worry that the call had come through by mistake when her voice finally echoed through the line.

  “Cassidy?” Her voice held so much apprehension that just that one word caused a pang of worry to pierce my stomach.

  “Yeah, honey. I’m here. Is everything all right?”

  “Would you mind…” She trailed off in an uncertain tone. “Would you come get me from school, if you’re not too busy? I missed the bus.”

  “Of course!” I replied instantly, already rushing to the sink to wash my hands, keeping the phone propped between my ear and shoulder. “I can be there in ten minutes.”

  “Thanks. I tried calling Carson, but he didn’t answer.”

  “I bet he left his phone at the house,” I told her as I dried my hands on a dishtowel. “Are you okay? You sound upset.”

  “Y-yeah, I’m okay,” she answered softly.

  “You sure, sweetie?” Knots of tension coiled in the pit of my stomach as I considered the fact that the reason she sounded upset was because I was the person she had to reach out to for help. The thought of her dreading being in a car with me, even for just a few minutes, saddened me. “I can try and track down Carson if you’d rather he come get you.”

  Her response caused the hairs on my arms to stand on end. “No, please, just come get me. Can you hurry?” There was a hint of panic in her quiet voice that had me rushing through the living room toward the front door, snatching up my keys and purse without so much as a backwards glance toward Milly, who’d just walked in.

  “I’m on my way right now,” I told her, running out to my car. “I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

  Disconnecting the call, I shoved my phone in my back pocket and threw my purse into the passenger seat, cranked the engine and gunned it toward the high school, all the while trying not to fear the worst. Navie sounded okay, she didn’t sound like she was hurt, but I didn’t like the way her voice waivered. Instinct told me I needed to move quickly.

  I somehow managed to make the usually ten-minute trip in just seven, luckily missing any speed traps along the way. As I pulled up to the front of the school, I saw Navie’s tiny form sitting on the curb, hunched over in a way that looked like she wanted to disappear into the air. Without thinking, I threw the car in park and opened my door, making my way to her before she had a chance to fully stand.

  “What’s the matter?” I demanded the instant I rounded the car and saw the tears welling in her deep blue eyes.

  “Let’s just go, please,” she pleaded, taking my hand and pulling me toward the car. She’d taken all of two steps when the glass doors at the front of the school opened and two kids came walking out. I r
ecognized both of them instantly, and my blood heated to a boil within seconds.

  “What did they do?” I managed to ask quietly through clenched teeth as I stared at the bitch, otherwise known as Meredith Goodson, and that pecker-head Mark who stood my girl up for prom.

  “They didn’t do anything,” Navie hissed under her breath, still tugging on my arm. “Let’s just go, Cassidy.”

  I turned my eyes on my girl, concern and pain battling inside of me, creating a protective instinct I hadn’t felt until the moment I brought Willow into the world. Navie was mine. I loved her with everything I had, and I’d be damned if I let one more second pass where some teenage assholes made her life a living Hell.

  “Why did you miss the bus, Navie?”

  Recognizing just how serious I was with that question, she pointed her eyes to the ground and released a defeated breath as she whispered, “They stuffed my locker with a bunch of unwrapped tampons that were covered in ketchup. I had to stay late and clean it out.”

  “What? Why didn’t your principal make them clean it?”

  Navie lifted one shoulder dejectedly, still refusing to look at me. “I didn’t have any proof it was Meredith and her friends.”

  That was it.

  That. Was. It!

  I’d had it with those little pieces of shit. Yeah, I’d been a raving bitch when I was a teenager, but I’d spent the last nearly four and a half years working hard to keep that part of me in check. Well, I was letting that bitch out of the cage and pointing every single ounce of her fury at the people who’d been tormenting my girl.

  Ignoring Navie’s pleas, I turned on my heels, heading out into the parking lot in the direction I’d seen those little assholes walking.

  “Hey!” I shouted the moment I laid eyes on the both of them.

  They both turned at the same time, and I caught panic flash in Mark’s eyes before turning my gaze to a sneering Meredith.

  “What do you want?” She’d taken the typical bitchy-girl stance, one hand on her cocked hip, lip curled, face bored, but I saw the same panic in her eyes that I’d seen in Mark’s before she had a chance to hide it. Unfortunately for her, I’d perfected that stance in high school. And with that one tiny glimmer of fear I’d seen for just a second, I knew that girl had nothing on me.