by Anne Barwell
“I know,” Kristopher said, “and I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. It’s not exactly something you casually slip into a conversation.”
They both knew they might be lost to each other with no warning. But that was something neither had any control over. This was very different.
“We can talk about it now.” Michel laced his fingers together, his knuckles whitening.
Kristopher shifted his chair so they were sitting side by side, rather than at opposite ends of the table. “I’m not planning to die,” he said evenly. “I said that Dr. Kristopher Lehrer cannot survive this war. I didn’t say anything about killing myself.” His voice cracked. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I don’t want to leave you. I….”
“Mon cher,” Michel said softly. He took one of Kristopher’s hands in his and caressed it with his thumb. “You are Kristopher Lehrer. You’re not making sense.”
“Yes, I am, but I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it first.” Kristopher sighed. He pointed to the letter still lying on the table. “I’m giving Leo’s letter to Liang. He can deliver it. I’m not going to England. I’m not giving the plans or the formulae to the Allies.”
“Do you honestly think they’ll take no for an answer?” Michel knew both sides could be ruthless when they needed to be. “They know about you, and it’s one of the reasons they’ve helped us to get this far. You’re important to the war effort.”
“I’ve put our friends in a terrible position. Matt and Ken are part of the military. Their first priority is to follow orders and complete this mission.”
“You weren’t supposed to be a part of their mission.” Michel had taken the place of a dead German soldier and infiltrated the institute where Kristopher worked. A few months into his assignment, he knew he had to help Kristopher. Finding him standing over the body of Dr. Kluge—the scientist in charge of the project—had led to them both fleeing the scene. Michel hadn’t thought for an instant that Kristopher was responsible for Kluge’s death. He still didn’t think Kristopher was capable of killing. If given the choice between killing someone and sacrificing himself, Michel knew what decision Kristopher would make.
As much as he loved Kristopher, Michel also knew Kristopher was too idealistic for his own good. One day it would literally be the death of him.
But it was one thing to think about it possibly happening in the future, and quite another to hear Kristopher actually planning it.
“I’m where I’m meant to be.” Kristopher shook his head when Michel opened his mouth to protest. “If I hadn’t left the institute when I did… they’d never have let me go. With Kluge dead, there is no one else. They know I’ve solved the problem with the formulae. I was stupid enough to tell Reiniger I had.”
“You told him because you were trying to save my life.” Michel knew he was still missing something. “How can you die and not die?” He felt cold inside. Not just because of the words Kristopher had spoken, but also because Kristopher had spoken to Liang about this, not him. “As I said, it doesn’t make sense.”
“People disappear and are presumed dead all the time during war. It doesn’t mean they are dead.”
“You’re planning to fake your death?” Michel said slowly. The relief he felt was short-lived as practicality took over. “We’d have to supply a body.”
Kristopher held up his hand. “No,” he said firmly. “We’re not killing someone to take my place. Holm already knows what identity papers I’m using. We’ll leave them on someone who is already dead.”
“I’m not suggesting we kill someone, but do you really think a body matching your description will just conveniently turn up when we need it?” Michel couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “I’m sorry, Kit, but your plan has a few flaws in it.”
“It’s a work in progress,” Kristopher insisted. “But as long as we can convince both sides I’m dead, that is all that matters.”
“And what are you planning to do once you’ve died? Have you thought that through?”
Kristopher lowered his gaze. He flushed. “I still want a life with you. I thought…. We can’t get married, but I could take your name and pass myself off as a relative or something. At least that way I wouldn’t have to say good-bye to you. No one on our team knows your last name or much about you. They wouldn’t be lying if they tell their superiors they don’t know where to find you. And if they can’t find you, they wouldn’t be able to find me.”
“If only it was that easy.” Michel wished Kristopher’s words could become a reality, wanted to believe that a future together was possible. He’d found himself dreaming about it, although he didn’t dare hope it could come true. “If they know you’re still alive…. Kit, I know Matt and Ken are our friends, but as you said, they do have to report back to their superiors.”
“Are you suggesting we let them believe I’m dead?” Kristopher didn’t look happy with the idea. “Michel, they’re our friends. I can’t lie to them.”
“Not even to protect them?”
“To protect me, you mean. No one can torture information out of someone if they don’t possess it in the first place.” He took a gulp of what had to be cold tea. “God, what is wrong with me, discussing something so serious as though it’s not?”
“There is nothing wrong with you.” Michel could tell Kit was more upset than he was letting on. “Look at me, mon cher,” he said softly. “You are a good man who has made mistakes. We’ve all done that, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re in an impossible situation, trying to make choices you don’t really have.”
“I used to believe we make our own choices in life, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve been thinking about David and the future he wanted.” Kristopher had told Michel about David, a close friend who could have been much more. David had risked his life to convince Kristopher to listen to his conscience and leave the institute. “He was a doctor like my sister, with a life ahead of him helping people. He always wanted to do that. It was one of the reasons he studied so hard. Now he’s either dead or in a work camp somewhere because he’s Jewish.”
“Not everything in life is fair, but it’s better to focus on the situations we can do something about.” Michel had lost his brother, Corin, and a man he’d cared about to this war too. “I think the best way we can honor the memory of our friends and loved ones is to try and make a difference where we can.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
Michel winced. “It’s not, and sometimes it’s so difficult I struggle to find the strength to keep going. I tell myself if I repeat the words enough times, it will get easier. I owe Corin my life. He died fighting to free France. I can’t let his sacrifice be for nothing.”
“I know.” Kristopher leaned over and kissed Michel on his cheek. “I’ve held you while you’ve cried for the people you’ve lost.”
“Just as I’ve held you.” Michel took a deep breath. He wouldn’t think about it now, didn’t want to get sucked into the whirlpool that was his grief for Corin and François again. It had taken him too long to break free of it. “So, what are we going to do about all of this? I’m not going to watch you die. If we’re going to fake your death, we need some kind of plan. Do you still want to travel with the others until they reach Normandy?”
“Yes, I need to leave Germany. We have more of a chance of disappearing to start a new life in your country than mine. You have contacts in the Resistance, people we could help until this war is over.”
Michel raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t that rather negate your being dead? I thought…. Never mind.”
“You thought what?” Kristopher asked.
“We’ve talked about a future together. If we survive all of this, I’d like that. I think your idea of passing yourself off as a relative will be a little problematic, but we’ll worry about the details later.” More than just a little problematic. Michel’s mother would take one look at the two of them together and figure out they wer
e more than friends. “I want to return to my family when this is over. My parents have already lost one son. I promised Papa I would do everything I could to make sure he and Maman wouldn’t lose another. I’m a farmer. You know nothing of that kind of life.”
“I’ve learnt a lot over the last six weeks, and it would be safer than living in the city.” Kristopher looked thoughtful. He was really contemplating this. “I’ll have to improve my French, though. It’s not very good; although it’s better than it was.”
“My aunt would help.” Michel’s Uncle Brice had married a German woman. She’d welcome Kristopher with open arms. So would Michel’s parents, or at least his mother. “We’re getting ahead of ourselves, though. We still have to get out of Germany, and that won’t be easy.”
“I think it would work better if we travel with Matt, Ken, and Liang for a while longer and then fake my death. You’ve already told them you aren’t crossing the Channel.” Kristopher tipped his cup and studied the tea leaves, using his spoon to swish them around the bottom of it. “I’m not sure you’re right about keeping all this from them. They’ll know something is wrong. We can trust them.”
“I know we can trust them, but it’s not them I’m worried about.” Michel could tell he wasn’t going to easily persuade Kristopher to change his mind about that part of the plan. “It’s Holm and Reiniger.”
“They’d torture our friends for the information until they got the answers they wanted. It wouldn’t matter whether it was the truth or not.” Kristopher had that stubborn look Michel recognized all too well.
“We don’t have to talk about that part of it now. Let’s take one step at a time, hmm? Just promise me you won’t say anything until we’ve discussed it further?”
“All right, but Liang already knows I’m planning something.”
“Yes, but he doesn’t know any details.”
“That’s because we don’t have any to share.” Kristopher shrugged. “I’m tired, and we’ve gone around in circles enough for one night.” He stood and held out his hand. “I want to go back to bed with you. Once we leave here, we might not have the opportunity to share a bed again.”
No one had commented about them sharing a room and shutting the door. Michel suspected it was because Matt and Ken were also sharing more than just a room. However, he wasn’t about to voice his suspicions. He had too many secrets of his own to keep safe.
“I’d like that.” Michel took Kristopher’s hand and squeezed it tightly before pulling him close and kissing him.
“Je t’aime, Michel,” Kristopher whispered once they broke the kiss. “Whatever happens, never forget that.”
“Whatever happens, I never will.” Michel buried his head in Kristopher’s shoulder, caressing the skin there with his lips. “Ich liebe dich, Kit.”
Chapter Two
“THAT DIDN’T go well.” Ken packed away the radio set. He then placed the suitcase into the hole he’d dug earlier and picked up a spade.
Matt made a noncommittal noise from behind him. “I was expecting worse,” he admitted after a few moments’ silence. “Do you want any help filling the hole?”
“No, it’s fine.” Ken began shoveling dirt. He worked in silence, using the time to mull over the messages he’d received from their superiors.
Matt leaned against the wall of the workers’ cottage, watching him, his arms folded across his chest. He’d grown his hair longer now they had finished posing as German soldiers, and one light brown strand of hair fell forward across his brow. Matt brushed it back, yet his gaze didn’t waver. He smiled, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes, a sure sign he wanted to talk about something. Ken knew Matt well enough to know he’d wait until Ken was ready to listen. This was a job that wouldn’t be hurried as it needed to be done properly.
Finally, Ken pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his brow. As they’d worked their way around various farms over the past few weeks, he’d found he enjoyed the hard labor. It helped him think.
He also felt some relief that the radio set was hidden once more. Since building it, he’d had nightmares about its discovery leading to Matt being captured again. Ken still hadn’t completely pushed from his mind the memory of the state in which he’d found Matt in that cell at the institute.
“This mission has taken six months longer than it should have.” Ken shook off most of the dirt from the spade and threw a pile of branches over the new earth to disguise it. “We’ve lost two men and acquired another who wasn’t part of the initial orders we received. We’re also still in Germany, and it’s going to take us several weeks to reach the Channel, and that’s presuming we aren’t caught before we get there.”
They hadn’t told London about Holm’s obsession with finding Ken because of something that was supposed to have happened during the last war. Matt hadn’t seen the point as there was nothing that could be done about it. He wasn’t about to give Holm what or rather who he wanted. The official story was that Holm was hunting them in order to find Kristopher.
As the only source of the plans, Kristopher was a very important asset, and as such he should have been safely out of Germany by now. London was not impressed by how long this mission was taking or how complicated it had become.
Ken also suspected if London wanted Kristopher, they’d have to make a deal to ensure Michel’s safety or Kristopher wouldn’t agree to their terms. Although Michel was now part of their team, he’d told them he would stay in France once the mission was completed.
“As I said, I was expecting worse.” Matt touched Ken lightly on his shoulder. “Sit with me awhile? There’s something we need to discuss, and it’s not something I want to talk about in front of the others.”
Ken frowned. “We shouldn’t be—”
“Not that.” Matt chuckled. He lowered his voice to a whisper only Ken could hear. “That, I’d prefer to explore more of later.” He licked his lips once Ken was facing him.
“Is that a promise?” Ken’s voice came out hoarser than he’d expected. He swallowed and cleared his throat. Hell, did Matt realize what that—he—did to him? He glanced around nervously.
“Yes.” Matt smiled, a proper one this time. His eyes twinkled, their brilliant blue a stark contrast to the piercing black Ken saw when he looked at his own reflection. “Don’t worry, we’re definitely alone. I’m not about to take any chances.” He sat down with his back against the wall of the cottage and patted the ground next to him.
Ken was no fool. He knew that even if both he and Matt made it back to America alive, they didn’t have the future both of them really wanted to look forward to. At best they’d be able to settle somewhere as war buddies sharing a house.
“I’m still thinking about your offer of sharing your home after the war,” Ken said cautiously.
“But it’s not that simple?” Matt shuffled over when Ken joined him. “Don’t worry. When I said I wanted to talk to you about something, it wasn’t that. I know it’s complicated and you have your mom to think about too. Let’s survive this war first, and then we can work all that out.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t want the future we’ve talked about.” Ken chose his words carefully, not wanting Matt to draw the wrong conclusions. “You know how I feel about you.”
“And you know how I feel about you.” Matt mouthed, “I love you too,” but didn’t speak the words aloud. Although they were supposed to be alone, he brushed his thumb against Ken’s hand, taking care not to linger.
Ken couldn’t help but smile.
“I’ve told you how much I love that smile, right?”
“Several times, but don’t feel you have to stop.” Ken reserved that particular smile for Matt, and Matt knew it.
“I’m not planning to.” Matt cleared his throat. “I’ve been thinking about your mom.” He lowered his voice. “I know someone I can talk to about getting her out of the camp and getting her safely settled somewhere outside the exclusion zone. Then, after the war, we can help her ge
t back on her feet.”
Ken’s mother was half Japanese and in an internment camp. He’d always thought he’d been lucky in that he took after his American father and maternal grandmother in looks, and his Japanese heritage wasn’t obvious, despite his dark hair and slight stature. Cho Tsukino had insisted her son take his father’s name, although Ken’s father had abandoned both of them before Ken was born. Ken hadn’t seen his mother since she’d entered the internment camp. When the government had begun to round up people of Japanese ancestry, she’d insisted he keep his distance from her. He couldn’t risk being identified as part Japanese, and he needed his freedom in order to follow in his father’s footsteps and help to fight to end this war.
Unfortunately that had worked a little too well. While Ken had spent most of his life looking up to the father he’d never met, he now wondered whether Patrick Lowe had been the war hero some claimed him to be.
Despite logic telling him the information Holm had given him about both their fathers was wrong, Ken couldn’t help but wonder if there might be something to it.
Just because his and Holm’s fathers had both been at the Battle of Belleau Wood did not mean Patrick Lowe had murdered Heinz Holm.
They’d been on opposite sides, fighting a war. Men died. It wasn’t personal, or at least it wasn’t meant to be.
Ken sighed. He couldn’t afford to be distracted by all that now. “You’ve been thinking about this awhile,” he said to Matt.
“Yes, since before we got separated looking for Leo’s aircraft. I should have spoken to you about it before now, but we’ve had other things on our minds.” Matt stared straight ahead, his eyes unfocused. If he’d noticed Ken had been distracted and the time he’d taken to reply, he didn’t show it. Or he’d been lost in his own thoughts. “If something happened to you, I’d still make sure your mom was looked after.”
“You don’t have—”
“I want to.” Matt’s expression was one Ken knew well. There was no point in arguing with him, and Ken wasn’t stupid enough to try. Nor did he want a repeat of the last time they’d argued.