Her pain is worth nothing. She is still alive, so it is hers to bear.
Kaede opened her eyes, tears smeared her cheeks and the futon beneath her head. They had left a stain, and she sniffed, doing her best to rub it dry. The dreams had become almost routine over the past month. Waking up crying was normal rather than an unusual occurrence. At least according to Rin, she didn't scream and thrash as much anymore.
Instead of sitting up, she pulled the covers around her shoulders and huddled beneath them, nuzzling into a dry patch of fabric. She had gone to bed full of excitement and hope, ready for the sun to rise so she could swear her oath to Imari, but it all had been sucked out of her. Leaving home had been the right decision, but guilt still followed her like a shadow. Setsuna had been the one to put the horrible experiments into motion, but that didn't make her any less complicit. She had summoned the yokai to be bound, and she had sealed the fates of the humans and spirits unlucky enough to witness her failure.
Her current situation wasn’t much better. She hadn’t caused any death, but she still hadn’t told Imari the truth about her past or parentage, and as her oath drew closer, she felt increasingly worse about keeping it a secret. Every time Imari said something kind to her or talked about her own past, Kaede’s stomach churned.
"Kaede?"
The sound of soft breathing and the feel of a cold nose nuzzling against her hair made her peek out beyond her pillow. "I know, Rin," she muttered, her voice muffled by the quilted top sheet. "Just give me a minute. I need to breathe."
"You can't breathe under all those covers, and you don't have a minute," Rin growled, nudging her again. "It's almost sunrise. If you're going to swear your oath, you need to get dressed."
Reluctantly, Kaede sat up. From what she could see out the window, the sun hadn't risen yet, but there was a faint pink glow on the horizon.
"Do you still think I shouldn't do it?" she asked as she climbed out of her bedding and crawled in search of her clothes. She didn't have much to choose from, and she could only hope the least stained and wrinkled of her traveling kimonos would be formal enough. The blue one with her mon on it was the nicest garment she owned, but she couldn’t wear it for obvious reasons.
Rin curled her tail around her haunches, observing Kaede with bright blue eyes. "It isn't my decision."
"That's a no," Kaede mumbled, continuing to dress. "If you've got something to say, say it."
"It isn't the oath I object to. Being under the protection of a daimyo's daughter might save your life if Hayate or any of Setsuna's forces come after us. It's your infatuation with Lady Homura that frightens me."
The words stung. Kaede stopped in the middle of fastening her obi, glaring sharply at Rin. "I know better than that. I'm not infatuated—"
"Infatuation or friendship or simple service, it doesn't matter.” Rin raised her back paw, scratching at one ear and looking decidedly bored. “You are starting to trust her, and the last person you trusted betrayed you. You would do well to remember."
"I do remember." Kaede clenched her teeth and dug her nails into her palms. "I remember every night. But just because Setsuna went down a dark path doesn't mean every human is untrustworthy, Rin. There are good people in this world. You've always stood by me."
"Yes," Rin said, "but I'm not human."
"Well, I am," Kaede snapped. "Don’t you trust me?"
Rin exhaled through her nose, the canine version of a sigh. "Yes, Kaede, I trust you. And I will trust you today. I’m only reminding you to be cautious. You can't afford to give your loyalty blindly or freely again. If Lady Homura is worthy of it, she will prove that on the journey."
"Noted.” Kaede didn't want to discuss the subject any further, and hopefully, Rin would read her reluctance in her tone. She finished dressing and picked up the bronze hand mirror beside the bed, gazing at her reflection. Her face looked clean, at least, and the bags under her eyes weren't too noticeable, but her hair was in a sorry state, tangled and stringy with a few strands clinging to her neck. She grabbed a comb from among her supplies and brought it into some semblance of order.
By the time she finished her topknot, she looked humble, but presentable—pretty much what she had been going for. When she turned away from the mirror, it was to see Rin giving her a slow, affectionate blink. "You look fierce," she said, and Kaede smiled. She had known Rin long enough to translate the compliment from wolf to human.
"Thanks. Are you coming to watch, or do you want to stay here?"
"Of course." Rin's whiskers quivered, and her nose twitched with offended dignity. "Where you go, I go. I can handle this foul-smelling city for a few hours."
Kaede stood, flipping the mirror over and staring at the intricately designed relief on the other side. Birds soared around the mirror's edges, and the sight of them weighed on her heart. They weren’t dissimilar from some of the spirits she had brought to Setsuna the night she had gotten her scar.
"Come on," Rin said, nudging her hand. "Finish getting ready. Your new master is waiting for you."
She set the mirror down, smoothing the wrinkles out of her kimono. If Imari is going to be my new master, it won't do to be late. This is supposed to be a fresh start, after all, even if it isn’t an honest one.
***
"She's late," Takeshi muttered from the corner of his mouth, staring impatiently at the courtyard gate. He was far too refined to leave his position in line, but Imari could see a glimpse of his pose: shoulders stiff, eyes narrowed, mouth pressed into a tight diagonal slash of disapproval.
At first, Imari thought she shouldn't say anything. Arguing with Takeshi or attempting to reassure him wouldn't do any good, and although she hated to admit it, she was worried herself. The sun was starting to rise over the garden walls, and in the back of her mind, she was beginning to fear Kaede wouldn't come.
"Hey, I'm sure she'll be here," Kenta said from behind her other shoulder. "She seemed pretty excited at dinner last night. Maybe she just overslept? I could always go and get her if…"
Imari shook her head. "No. I don't want her to feel obligated to swear an oath to me. If she has any doubts, she hardly needs someone breathing down her neck." But to her shame, she realized she hadn't really thought of it as Kaede's choice before now. Since their last conversation, she had viewed it as a promise, and she was swiftly realizing it had been a mistake. She stared at the ume blossoms, watching the delicate pink and white petals sway in the light morning breeze.
"Looks like she made the choice fine on her own," Takeshi said, distracting her from her worries.
Imari sighed with relief as Kaede entered the courtyard. The morning glare cast the samurai's tall figure mostly into shadow, but her smile was still visible from a distance. Though they had only known each other for a few days, Imari could tell it was the sort of smile that rarely wavered. She couldn't help returning it as the line of samurai on either side of her stood at attention.
"Look," Kenta whispered, "she brought Rin with her."
Imari remained transfixed as Kaede crossed the short bridge that led over the courtyard's brook. Kaede held herself with such confidence her faded blue kimono hardly mattered, and she didn’t seem to have any doubts about her purpose.
Once the small party crossed the bridge, Rin sat beneath the shade of a nearby ume tree and Takeshi took his proper place in line. That left Kaede standing alone. Though her smile had disappeared, her eyes were focused, bright with determination. She looked ready to take her oath, and Imari was eager to have it. She saw something in Kaede, something interesting and valuable her curious mind wanted to examine closer.
As Imari watched, Kaede stopped in front of the small tatami mat. She broke eye contact, staring respectfully at the ground as she knelt. Her hands were steady and slow as she removed her swords, placing her katana and wakizashi to the right. Once they had been set aside, she pressed her hands to the mat and lowered her head.
Imari’s eyes flicked over to her father, who observed the proceedings
from a nearby balcony. He sat on his platform, posture straight and regal. She took a deep breath. It was only recently that she had started to take an active role in ceremonies like this. Public speaking didn't appeal to her the way running the city from behind the scenes did, but she knew how to fake it well enough. In all things, she strove to do her best and behave in a way that would make her father proud.
“Iori Kaede," she said, projecting so she would be heard throughout the courtyard, “you are here to place yourself into my service and that of my father. Are you free in your wish to stand between me and any danger?”
Kaede's eyes lifted to meet hers, and Imari felt a hard jolt in the center of her chest. Such an unwavering gaze had to be sincere. “I am.”
“Do you swear by the code of the samurai to serve and protect me until the end of your contract?”
“Yes, my lady. I swear to shield you from any danger. I swear that my hand shall be just." Imari couldn't help studying the shape of Kaede's hands as they rested on her thighs. They were graceful and thin, but also calloused. "My words shall be true, and my heart loyal to your cause. Until the day I am free of this contract, I swear to commit myself and my sword to your safety. As long as the contract is due, Mizu-no-Hamon will only be drawn in your honor, and if the need arises it will spill blood in your defense. As my will is free to choose, I have chosen.”
"Then stand, Iori Kaede. I accept your service."
Kaede bowed again, lingering in the lowest stance before she stood. She threaded the sheathed blades through her obi and turned toward the balcony, making her bow to Lord Homura. Imari looked toward her father's platform and bowed as well, awaiting his judgment.
Lord Homura nodded. “The contract is made. I, the ruler of this land, bear witness and affirm it. Iori Kaede shall serve as my daughter’s yojimbo until her return to this city. So shall it be.”
The wind seemed to sigh as the ceremony ended. Imari relaxed, and she saw Kaede do the same as she put a hand on her swords. They smiled at each other, stealing a shared glance while everyone else looked toward Lord Homura. Imari still wasn’t sure why this woman fascinated her, why she had requested her services so quickly, or why her eyes couldn’t seem to leave Kaede for more than a few moments. But now that Kaede was bound to her, she had all the time she needed to find out.
***
It took a few weeks to prepare for their journey, much to Kaede’s impatience. Although Kenta’s company was pleasant as always and Takeshi slowly seemed to be warming to her, Kaede couldn’t relax. Mirai was larger, louder, and faster paced than the cities in the north she was used to. The city never seemed to shut down and lanterns burned all through the night.
Even during the quiet moments Kaede stole for herself, her thoughts filled the void. Each day, she got to know Imari a little bit better, and each day, she felt worse and worse about keeping her identity a secret. The lie ate away at her, and logic could only assuage so much of her guilt.
That was why she found herself late to meet Imari at the market one morning. She’d been up in the middle of the night with bad dreams and dismal thoughts, and she had lost herself staring into her bowl at breakfast, unable to drag herself out of her chair. Eventually, though, her fear of being rude had forced her to go in search of her master, and the smile that spread across her face upon seeing Imari wasn’t all forced.
"You know, I almost thought you weren't coming," Imari said, raising her voice to be heard in the busy marketplace. Vendors and their pushcarts lined both sides of the crowded thoroughfare, shouting their prices. The smell of food, smoke, and burning charcoal lingered in the air, and Kaede's stomach rumbled. Thanks to her lack of appetite, she hadn't eaten breakfast, and lunch was fast approaching.
"I had a few doubts," she admitted, trying not to crane her neck too far toward a cart displaying salted meat and vegetable skewers. "But a samurai always keeps her word. It is my honor to join you on your quest, Lady Homura. I'm yours to command."
Imari smiled, and to Kaede's surprise, she stopped at the cart, exchanging a few whispered words with the merchant. A few coppers changed hands, and Imari turned back toward her with two sticks of beef and vegetables. "Here," she said, passing one over. "Eat. I bet you skipped breakfast this morning, didn't you?"
Kaede bowed before accepting the stick. "Yes, I did. I have a nervous stomach."
"Nervous? Because you were coming to the market with me?" Imari laughed, and Kaede's heart fluttered at the sound. Despite Rin's warning, she found her eyes lingering in places they shouldn't, especially near Imari's lips. "I assure you, Iori-san, I'm harmless."
"Based on the kata we’ve been doing, I must respectfully disagree," Kaede said. "Thank you for the meal, my lady." Once Imari took a bite, she did so as well, moaning as the salt hit her tongue. Before she knew it, she was half way through the skewer, with a trail of juice running down the corner of her mouth.
Great job, Kaede. Make a mess of yourself in front of your new master. Your attractive new master. She's going to think you're a complete slob with no manners.
Kaede reached into her kimono, fumbling for a cloth to wipe her chin, but before she dug it out, Imari touched the side of her hand, passing over one of her own. "Here."
Kaede's face burned in embarrassment, but she took the offered cloth so as not to be rude, dabbing at the corner of her mouth. "I'll purchase you a new one," she muttered, averting her eyes.
"No need. Besides, we're here to outfit you for the journey as payment for your services, of course."
"Of course, my lady," Kaede said. "And if you'll permit me to return to our earlier conversation, I do find you impressive, but you don’t make me nervous.” It’s the fact that I’m lying through my teeth to you that makes me feel sick.
Unfortunately, Imari drew the wrong conclusion. “Takeshi,” she sighed. “If he said something to you. . .”
Kaede hastened to correct her. “No, it’s nothing like that. Hibana-danna has been a gracious host.”
“Good,” Imari sighed. “I’d expect nothing less from him. We’ve been friends since we were children, and we were even engaged for a year."
"So, I've been told," Kaede mumbled before realizing her slip. Her face heated up again, but it was too late. Imari had already stopped, turning slowly toward her. "I'm sorry, my lady, if you didn't wish for me to know."
Imari waved her apology away, continuing through the market. "It's all right. The truth is, I turned him down because he was starting to get on my nerves."
Kaede was surprised by Imari's candor, but also relieved. It seemed the subject of their broken engagement wasn't taboo after all. She trailed behind Imari, coming to a stop at the same time she did near a stall with hanging displays of hitatare. The matching jacket and trousers weren't ostentatious, but they were well made—far better than most of the kimonos Kaede had brought with her, and in the city's colors too.
"What do you mean, Homura-dono?" she asked as she studied the stitching. "Didn't the two of you get along?"
Imari sighed. "Somewhere along the line, he stopped treating me like a friend and started treating me like a stranger he had to protect at all times. I got sick of it, and we fought. We patched things up, but I know him too well to try for anything more than friendship. Maybe someday he'll learn he doesn't have to treat the woman he's interested in like an untouchable Goddess, but I don't have the patience to teach him. I want a partner, not someone I have to fix." She hesitated, offering Kaede what appeared to be a thoughtful look. "You aren't asking because you're interested, are you?"
"What?" Kaede sputtered, dropping the sleeve of the jacket and taking a step back. "No! I mean, not in him." She cleared her throat and tried again. "I'm actually a lady of a different court. Kenta said that wouldn't be a problem?"
"Not at all," Imari said. She turned to the merchant, and more coppers changed hands. A few moments later, Kaede held the hitatare in her arms. “Disapproving of you would be a bit hypocritical."
Kaede's head spun. Alt
hough Kenta had let slip that Imari was a lady of both courts, the way Imari had brought it up made her wonder. Her tone had almost sounded…flirtatious? Kaede was so surprised it took her several seconds to realize she had forgotten to thank Imari for the gift. "Thank you again, Homura-dono, but this really isn't necessary. I can afford to outfit myself."
"Nonsense. This is my quest, and as an important member of my party, your safety is imperative to my safety." Imari shot her a look that could only be described as playful, and Kaede almost choked on the nervous lump in her throat. "Besides, I don't want you getting any more scars. One or two are dashing on a samurai. More is a sign that you aren't good at your job."
Kaede had already been blushing, but at those words, her cheeks burned like fire. She coughed, struggling awkwardly until she was able to tuck the new clothes more securely over her arm. It wasn't until Imari merged back into the crowd that she realized someone had mentioned her new scars, and it hadn’t upset her. The usual surge of guilt and shame hadn't come.
"I'm still getting used to them," she confessed, hurrying to catch up. "They're fairly recent, I'm afraid. A minor disagreement with a family member."
"The reason you left home?" Imari asked, speaking softer. "You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable."
"Yes," Kaede said, but she didn't explain further. Though part of her wanted to, she knew the full story would have to wait until later, when she and Imari knew each other better. When. Not if. I'm already in deep, aren't I? Rin was right. I should be more cautious. I'm still in hiding. She glanced over her shoulder, not expecting to see anything, but made nervous all the same by the direction her thoughts were taking.
To her surprise, her eyes landed on a strange figure. Someone, probably a man from the breadth of his shoulders, stared at them from beneath a shadowed hood, trailing a few yards behind and keeping close to the edge of the street. Kaede couldn't make out his face from a distance, but something about his movements set her on edge. She glanced at Imari, debating whether to say something, but decided against it. There was no proof this man was following them, and until she was sure, there was no reason to sound an alarm.
Tengoku Page 8