“I’ll be fine as soon as this is finished.”
“Will you? Because honestly, babe, I can’t see it. You’ve already convinced yourself that whatever happens here, you haven’t done enough. You’re going to let this eat you up from the inside out. I know because I lived it. When we got off that cargo ship and I found out that Rudy had lost his leg, I knew—absolutely knew—that I could have done more to help him. Maybe if I’d put a tourniquet on his leg earlier he wouldn’t have lost it. Maybe if I’d had better aim, carried more ammo, anything. I let it eat away at me, and it made me miserable. It made me avoid being in a position where I was close to anyone, or responsible for anything or anyone but myself.” She took Finn’s hand and kissed her knuckles. “Until I met you. Now I have things in perspective and I don’t want to lose you. I can’t.”
“You won’t lose me, Oz.”
“You don’t know that. If you can’t let go of all that guilt,” Oz said, “I might.” She tugged Finn onto her lap. “This is not your fault, and everything you’re doing?” She shook her head. “You’re my hero, Finn. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you, because there just aren’t words enough to quantify it. That you are a part of my life, that you allow me to love you—”
“I don’t allow you, baby. I love you too. It’s a mutual thing.”
“I know you do, but please let me finish.” Finn mimed zipping her lips shut, but her eyes were soft, tears gathering at the corners. “I would do anything to have prevented this from ever happening to you, but that isn’t in my power. If I could keep you from feeling the way you do, I’d do it. But I can’t. You’re the only one who can do that.”
“It’s not that easy.”
Oz snorted. “I know that, baby. I really do. But I know you can do it. Just look at this place.” She waved her hand to indicate the war room. “All this is happening because you made the cure.”
“Oz, this isn’t the magic cure that can undo all harm. It’s always going to be best if we use this as a vaccine.”
“That’s just splitting hairs.”
“No, it isn’t.” Finn shook her head. “It’s important you know the difference. A vaccine works best if it’s administered before infection. If Balor is released before the vaccine spreads, it will kill. It will maim, and it will cause so much suffering that I can’t get it out of my head. And they want me to put that in his hands so they can incarcerate him. They want me to take that chance. I don’t think they understand what they’re asking me to do.”
“I agree, but you’ve gotten around that problem too. You can do anything you set your mind to, baby. Your plan will work. I know it will.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Do you trust me?”
“You know I do. I trust you with my heart, my life, my soul.”
“God, sometimes you have no idea what you do to me when you say things like that.” She pulled Finn’s head down for a gentle kiss. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“If you trust me, then trust that I know this will work. Have faith in me if you can’t have faith in yourself. And let it go.” Oz kissed her again. “Please.”
“I’ll work on it.”
Oz nodded, and while she trusted Finn and believed she would try, a tiny part of her worried that Finn didn’t believe what she was saying. A ringing phone distracted her from her thoughts.
“Go ahead.” Charlie spoke into the sat phone that Ariel had installed at his request. “Good work. Keep me informed.” He went straight to the white board and used a red marker to circle a number of places on the global map they had put up earlier. Oz had marked each of their distribution targets on it. Twenty-five percent of the airports had been reached and the solution distributed. “All teams are on schedule and reported no issues.” He smiled at Finn. “That’s phase one complete, and all teams are en route to phase two. Your plan is working perfectly.” He sneezed. “How come I’m getting it first?”
“You were the first people infected. You were exposed in my lab.”
“That fast?”
Finn nodded. “You’ll get a little bit of a headache, a cough, sniffles, and some sneezing. But generally, you won’t feel any worse than you do right now. I chose the least harmful strain possible. No one will die from the cold virus so no one will worry about the treatment of it any more than taking some basic cold medicine.”
“I love the way your mind works.” Charlie smiled. “Forward planning like that would have made you a fantastic officer in the service.”
Finn snorted. “No thanks. I was controlled enough by my father. I didn’t need anyone else issuing me orders.”
Oz watched the interaction between Finn and her family. She knew every one of them loved her like she had been in the family for years rather than a few months. She also saw something that gave her encouragement; Finn’s shoulders were straight, not slumped as they had been for weeks. Her chin wasn’t down, and she looked Charlie in the eye. She hoped she’d gotten through to her. She sighed. If not, she’d just have to keep trying. She had no other choice.
Chapter Thirty-six
Cassie rolled over and slapped at her alarm. The feeling of an elephant tap dancing on her skull crashed through her head as she tried to pry open her eyes. It had been a long time since she’d drunk the amount of alcohol she had imbibed the night before and, as she made her way to the bathroom, she seriously regretted the moment she had forgotten that over dinner. Or was it at the club? The club where she’d danced with Bailey. Where she’d felt Bailey’s arms around her, her body moving against her own. The memory evoked an astonishing wave of desire, and despite her hangover, she felt the abundance of arousal between her legs and the heat of a deep flush covering her face, neck, and chest.
She groaned as she leaned on the sink and took a look at the damage. Bloodshot eyes stared back at her and she shook her head. “Oh, that was a dumb idea, Cass.” She held her head in her hands and waited for the nausea to pass. She tried to lick her lips, but her mouth was too dry. Her tongue felt like a rug in her mouth. She turned on the tap and swallowed a mouthful before reaching for her toothbrush.
That’s it. No more rum. Those damn cocktails are lethal.
She decided a shower was the best way to try to make herself feel human again and hoped Bailey wasn’t in any rush to get going back to Boston.
“Oh shit.” She slid down the cold tiled wall of the shower cubicle as their good night kiss came flooding back to her. Water poured over her, but she barely noticed the hot stream turn lukewarm and eventually cold until her chattering teeth made her head hurt even more. She shut off the faucet and wrapped a towel around her body. What the hell was I thinking?
She dropped back onto her bed and covered her eyes with her arm. I wasn’t thinking. I was drunk and she made me feel sexy, and I did nothing but lead the poor woman on. Idiot.
It had been so long since Cassie had let herself relax and enjoy the moment. So long since she’d had a moment where she could forget and enjoy the feeling of wanting and being wanted. William’s rape had had a dramatic effect on both her and Karen, so much so that they were never able to enjoy a happy, healthy sex life after that. She’d never been able to forget. And truth be told, neither had Karen. She was broken. They loved each other and had never considered parting and continued to share the intimacies that kept them close; cuddling, holding hands, sleeping in one another’s arms, the soft touches reserved for a lover. Cassie just couldn’t be a lover anymore. And she couldn’t tolerate the touch of a stranger. Still, after all these years, she was broken.
She could remember the look in Karen’s eyes the last time they had tried to make love. The fear and pity that had gathered as Cassie had tried to touch the woman she loved and froze instead. Karen had held her like a child as she wept, and Cassie couldn’t bring herself to see that look on Karen’s face again. She wanted to remember the desire she used to see. The look of pure lust, need, the hunger that had been the biggest turn-on Cassie
had ever known, was gone. And neither of them had any idea how to find it again.
I still don’t.
As much as her body had wanted Bailey last night, she knew she had nothing more to offer, and shame shrouded her like a cloak. She had to tell Bailey she was sorry and hope she hadn’t made too much of a fool of herself. She shook her head and admitted to herself that her pride and dignity were beyond saving in this situation and she adjusted her expectations. She just hoped Bailey would accept her apology and forgive her without Cassie having to explain. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stand seeing the look of pity on Bailey’s face.
She’ll probably be relieved anyway. Let’s face it, Cassie; you’re not exactly the catch of the century. Especially right now. You look like shit.
Decision made, she slowly got dressed, dried her hair, and packed her bag. She wasn’t looking forward to going back to Boston, but at least yesterday she’d been looking forward to the road trip and Bailey’s company. Not anymore.
*
Bailey whistled to herself as she tried to balance the takeout cups of coffee and small bag of bagels when she raised her hand to knock on Cassie’s door. She nearly groaned as the memory of Cassie in her arms, pressed against the door while they had kissed, came unbidden to mind. She laid her hand against the wooden door, took a deep breath, and tried to calm her racing heart, but she couldn’t stop the grin that spread across her face. She didn’t care if she looked as goofy as she thought. She liked Cassie. A lot. And she was surprised to find how much she enjoyed the feeling.
She sighed and knocked on the door. Her grin widened when Cassie opened it, squinting at the bright light. “I come bearing gifts.”
Cassie took the offered cup and sniffed it. “There had better not be any Greeks inside.”
Bailey laughed and held up her hands in surrender. “None. You have my word.”
Cassie sipped gingerly then let out a long groan of pleasure and Bailey felt her lower belly clench. She took a huge gulp of her own drink and regretted it instantly when she scalded her tongue.
“Ow, shit.”
“You should try blowing on it,” Cassie suggested. “Saves you from third-degree burns.”
“I’ll take that under advisement.” Her tongue felt thick and raw, but she still managed a smile. “Breakfast?”
Cassie’s face paled and she shook her head. “I’m all packed if you want to get going.”
Bailey sat on the bed next to her, so close their thighs almost touched. “No rush. You can see if the coffee takes effect first.” She sipped slowly. “Don’t want you getting sick in the car for the sake of waiting ten minutes.”
Cassie edged away, leaned back against the headboard and brought her knees up to her chin. Bailey was no expert, but over the years she learned a thing or two about body language, and Cassie’s was screaming stay away. What the hell happened between last night and this morning?
“You okay?”
Cassie closed her eyes and seemed to be steeling herself for whatever she was about to say, and Bailey knew she wasn’t going to like it. She signaled Jazz over to her side and stroked the dog’s head, drawing comfort from the simple action.
“I’m sorry.”
Bailey frowned. Not quite what she’d hoped for. She heard the conversation play out in her head. It’s not you; it’s me. You’re a wonderful woman, but I’m not looking for this right now. Can we just be friends? The same excuses she’d offered her one-night stands over the years, and she cringed at how hollow they sounded.
“I’m sorry I threw myself at you last night. I had too much to drink and I shouldn’t have done that.”
Bailey smiled gently. Maybe it isn’t the brush-off you thought it was. Maybe she just thinks you don’t feel the same or whatever. “You didn’t throw yourself at me, and I had a great night.” She picked at the lid on her coffee cup, wiggling the tab back and forth until it broke off. She held her breath and took a chance. “One I’d like to repeat.” She looked up, and Cassie’s face was paler than before, almost gray. Oh fuck.
“I never should have kissed you. I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t feel anything. She doesn’t want anything from me. Isn’t this the part where I normally breathe a sigh of relief? But Bailey didn’t want to breathe a sigh of relief. Instead she felt dizzy and her heart seemed to stop beating. She finally managed to look away from Cassie’s beautiful, stricken face, and her heart started to beat again, but the rhythm felt wrong. It felt sluggish and out of time, tight, and each beat was painful. How the fuck can this hurt so much? One kiss. It was one little kiss. One mind-blowing, awesome, soul wrenching kiss. One kiss from Cassie.
“It’s…it’s okay. I understand.” What am I saying? I don’t understand. Not one bit.
“I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.”
A drunken mistake? Is that really what she’s saying? Bailey shook her head. Get this into perspective, idiot. It was a kiss. Not like you ran off to Vegas and got married. “It’s fine, Cassie. I get it.” She offered her a weak smile. “No big deal.” But it was. It was a big deal. She was ready to trust, to try. She already cared. It was a huge deal. “Shall we head back to Boston? May as well get going if you don’t want anything else here.”
Chapter Thirty-seven
The rubber mouthpiece always made her mouth so dry she wished she could lick her lips, but at fifteen meters below the surface, Finn didn’t want to take the chance and turned her attention back to the water around her and away from the lack of water in her mouth. It was so quiet she could hear every lungful of air, every heartbeat, and even the current of the water as it rippled through the sea grass floor of the ocean. Her concerns melted away like aspirin dissolving in water. She held Oz’s hand as they drifted along, each of them content to just feel the other’s presence and be at ease with their surroundings. It was a great idea of Oz’s. It helped to cement their cover of being a privately hired dive boat, and it gave them both a much-needed escape. And a chance to reconnect with each other, and the ocean, to allow the peace of it to fill her up and get her ready for the next phase of the program.
They had come to a popular area called Dolphin Reef. Being seen in the densely populated area was a good thing, and it was close enough to shore for Junior and Ari to dive and take propulsion units to the shore where they would go to Eddie’s Hide-A-Way to carry out reconnaissance before the meeting this evening.
Oz pulled on her hand to catch her attention and pointed into the blue. Three dolphins were heading toward them. It’s what the reef was renowned for, a school of semi-tame dolphins who were as curious about the people in the water as the people were about the dolphins. It was beautiful to watch them play and circle them. They came close enough for Finn to touch them and run her hand down the side of one animal. The skin was so soft it felt velvety under her fingertips. She had been around dolphins before when diving, but the curious wild creatures hadn’t come quite so close. It was thrilling and comforting at the same time. She felt something in herself healing; she felt a connection with the creature and her faith in the world and in herself returning.
She didn’t want to leave, but her air supply was finite and nearing its end. They returned to the surface a few feet from the hull of the Whirlwind and Finn spat the mouthpiece out as she reached for the dive ladder.
“Good dive?” AJ asked as he helped her out of the water and relieved her of her tank.
“Beautiful. A small pod came up to us and one let me touch it.”
“Cool. Wish I’d been there.” He smiled but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Finn asked as he helped Oz out of the water.
“What makes you think—”
“Because you’re as easy to read as a children’s nursery rhyme.”
“Gee, thanks a lot.”
“Come on. Spit it out.” Finn shrugged her BCD from her shoulders and hung it up to dry while Oz tugged the zip on her wetsuit down for her. “Thanks, babe.”
“She’s right, AJ, so you might as well tell us.”
He sighed heavily. “One of the teams ran into a little difficulty with deployment and were found in an unauthorized area. They’ve been arrested.”
“Shit,” Oz said.
“Where?” Finn visualized each target and the proportional area they were aiming to cover with each one. The loss of some would have a greater impact than others. She hoped it wasn’t one in any of the accessible Middle Eastern countries. There were so many people in areas where they couldn’t go safely that the surrounding targets were vital. As were the military ones that Charlie had arranged separately. If any of these were affected it would take up to two weeks longer for the vaccination program to be completed.
“Cairo.”
“Goddamn it.” Finn stripped off her wetsuit and headed for the war room, straight-arming the door open in front of her. “Can we get another team in there?”
“I’m looking into it,” Charlie said with his hand over the mouthpiece of the sat phone held against his ear.
“That target is vital. Without it we can’t hope to get enough spread across this area in the time frame.”
“I know, Finn. I’ve already got their other targets covered. I’m trying to get a way to get another team in there from one of the other targets. The security coming in will be too tight otherwise.”
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