by Max Hudson
As though he had conjured him with just a thought, Andy appeared in his line of sight. Jude blinked. He was seeing things. No way was the man he had been dreaming about for almost four months standing across the gym from him, staring at him as though he had never seen him before. It was a hallucination, brought on by loneliness and desire. He closed his eyes, took a long cleansing breath, and opened them again. Andy still stood there, staring at him like Jude was a ghost.
“Father Carter, how may I help you, sir?”
Jude blinked and came back to himself. He turned his eyes to the young man at the desk, whom he recognized from his attendance at youth services.
“I’d like the basic membership to the gym, please, Tim,” he said. “And if there are classes offered, I’d like to see what they are, as well.”
For the next half hour, Jude was interviewed by a wellness coach and advised on approaches that he could take to regain his strength. Then he sorted through what he wanted to do and signed up for a yoga class and for circuit training with a fitness instructor. He was assigned to the one who had no clients at the time he was available…Anderson Grant. Jude’s heart sped up, and he was barely able to sign his name legibly in the spaces provided.
Then it was time to face the music. Yoga was today, but his circuit training would begin tomorrow. He had come prepared to work out, and as the coach took him over to where Andy was working, Jude put his game face on. He could do this. Andy had not called or made any contact with him. It was clear he had wanted a clean break. Jude would not do anything to change what was between them. He had managed for almost four months…he could manage now.
“Andy, this is Father Carter. He’ll be joining your circuit training group for the foreseeable future. Be gentle with him. He’s been in an accident.”
The coach left the two men together, and Jude saw the pain that shadowed Andy’s eyes before he shuttered them.
“Father,” Andy said, “welcome to Gray’s Gym. I’m sorry you were injured, and I’ll do everything I can to get you back in shape without hurting you. You’ll have to follow my instructions, and do the homework I assign, but if you’re consistent, you’ll see results soon and you’ll be back to your old self in very little time.”
Andy escorted him over to a bench and invited him to take a seat. He studied the paperwork that the coach had left with him before looking up fleetingly into Jude’s eyes.
“If you could tell me a little bit about what happened, and what you want to achieve, it’ll help me figure out how to adjust your training equipment.”
Keeping a tight rein on his emotions, which were all threatening to flood over the banks he had shored up in his heart, Jude repeated the information he had given the coach, beginning with the car crash two months before. Then Andy took him to a series of machines and tested Jude’s strength and flexibility, adding notes to the chart before him. Finally, they went back to the bench and Andy informed him that the yoga instructor would be out momentarily. He pointed Jude in the direction that he should go, and then disappeared.
Jude kept his mind on the class he was about to take, and for the next hour, he worked at stretching and flexing his muscles, and on meditating. That was the hardest part. The man he obviously still had feelings for worked in the gym and would be giving him individual instruction. How was he going to handle that? Could he bear to be around Andy and not want to kiss and hug him, and all the other things he knew about but had never experienced? Was his heart strong enough to handle being around Andy without being with him in any way that would satisfy his need?
The lesson ended, and Jude went to change, deciding he’d shower first, so he wouldn’t be putting his clothes back on a sweaty body. The shower was refreshing, and he stood naked under the spray, trying to forget his desire for the man somewhere in the gym. His cock wasn’t interested in forgetting, and he didn’t know how to get it down short of beating off. But he wouldn’t do that in a public place. As it was, he didn’t do it that often in private, because he wanted Andy to be there to do it for him while he took Andy in hand.
Sighing in frustration, he hurried though the shower, dressed quickly, glad he had worn jeans so it helped to restrain his half-hard cock. Then he walked out and slammed into a tall, hard body. His own heated up instantly, his cock once again straining behind his zipper. He’d know that body anywhere.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, backing away from Andy with his hands raised. “I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“No problem, Father,” Andy said, his voice dispassionate. Jude looked up, unable to believe Andy had been unaffected by the contact. Raw hunger looked back at him, but Andy’s voice remained cool as he added,
“You have a great evening now, Father.” He stepped away to leave, and Jude’s ire rose. He wouldn’t let Andy dismiss him. They had unfinished business, and suddenly all the common-sense ideas about leaving things alone, about not trying to pick up where they had left off, went out the window.
“My name is Jude,” he said in a hard voice.
Andy’s head whipped around, his eyes bright with feelings Jude couldn’t name but instinctively understood.
“I know your name, Father. I know who you are.”
Did he mean who Jude was as a priest, or as the man who wanted to be more to Andy?
“Then I’d appreciate it if you’d use it.”
“I can’t.” The response was immediate, and for the first time, there was a wealth of need and hurt in his voice.
“You forget; I know you. You can do anything you choose to do. Better to say you won’t.”
Jude’s voice remained hard and full of frustration with his growing anger. He hadn’t asked for any of the feelings that were swallowing his heart whole. He was damned if he’d let the man who had caused them escape feeling everything that he was feeling.
Andy glared at him, finally letting the mask of nonchalance slip. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to call me by my name, for starters.”
“That’s not appropriate!”
“Not even when we’re alone together?”
Footsteps approaching forced them to step away from each other, and Jude watched as Andy turned and walked away. He followed him, anger burning a hole in his gut as deep as the one that longing and loneliness had already made. He stepped into the main room and saw Andy already walking towards the equipment at the back. He sighed and left, bottling up the hurt. He hadn’t thought about what would happen if Andy lost interest. Now it seemed he was going to find out.
The next two weeks were slow torture for Jude. Andy led the classes with precision, tutored each member individually with patience and kindness, and treated Jude, whom he kept calling ‘Father’, like he treated all the other clients. It stuck in Jude’s craw, and he grew angrier and angrier, and more and more hurt as the second week wore on. It was bad enough he had decided to leave the priesthood, because he wanted more for himself than a life of celibacy, and marrying a woman would be a lie he couldn’t pull off. But to know that the man who had been the main reason for his decision was now rejecting him was the worst pain he had ever borne.
Jude had done everything required of a priest about to resign from the ministry…brought closure to all his counseling relationships, planned the liturgy for closing all pastoral relationships with the parish, cleared his desk, handled the forwarding of mail addressed to him with the post office (they would be redirected to a post office box in a neighboring town), and in another week, he’d be leaving the manse at the end of the liturgy for closure. He needed a place to stay and had already put most of his personal belongings in storage. He didn’t know where he’d go next, or what he would do with his life, but he knew he wanted to be free, in case Andy decided he wanted to go further than a couple of hot kisses. Now, though, it seemed like he wouldn’t have that, either.
“Jude.” Andy’s voice calling his name brought him up short as Jude was leaving after another session with him, stalling the breath in his lungs. �
��I get off work at two this afternoon. Want to meet for coffee?”
Jude hesitated. Was he setting himself up for heartache? What if this was just Andy’s way of letting him down kindly? Sighing, he nodded. It was better to know so he could move forward one way or another.
“There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, anyway,” he said.
“Okay. There’s a coffee shop a few blocks from my place. I usually have lunch there,” Andy told him.
“I have a meeting at three. Can we make it four thirty? It’ll give me time to get there.”
“No problem. It’s called Cuppa Joe, on the corner of Sixth and Aberdeen.”
Andy turned and walked back the way he had apparently come, which was why Jude hadn’t seen him. He drove away with his thoughts in a tumult, but managed to get through the rest of his day, including the meeting he had told Andy about. Then he went to change into casual clothes, and drove to the address of the coffee shop. Happy that there was parking on a side street close by, he walked back to the shop and found Andy waiting for him just inside the door.
They made their orders and went to sit in the back where a few tables were scattered around for customers who wanted to linger. No one else was there, for which Jude was grateful. His last week as a man of the cloth had to be as squeaky clean as all the others that had come before in the last eight years.
Jude took a calming swallow of the iced coffee he had ordered and put the tall cup down on the table, managing to hide his shaking hands as he did so. He had been nervous to accept the invitation to coffee, because his feelings for the younger man were totally out of control, and he wasn't sure he could be in a more personal setting with Andy without those feelings showing. But perhaps, as he was doing with his professional life, he needed to shake up his personal life as well.
He had never thought much about his sexuality before. In college, while he was doing a double major in theology and psychology, he had been too busy to care one way or another. And no one, male or female, had sparked any kind of real interest beyond mere friendship. He hadn’t been anyone’s idea of a catch either, apparently, with his tall, gangly frame, his unfashionable glasses, and his bookishness.
The first time he had had any inkling that he might be in trouble was while Andy was still incarcerated. Something about the way Andy had moved that day, the way his big hands had cupped each other, the way his lips had curled into a smile, had made Jude’s whole body heat up, and it had been downhill from there. He recalled how his jaw had dropped at the sight of Andy that first day in the gym, dressed in sweats and a muscle shirt, his big body oozing sex appeal. Jude had felt overwhelmed…pretty much how he felt all the time around Andy. He looked at Andy now, lounging back in the chair, cool and unperturbed, while he was sweating bullets.
How hard could it be to tell a guy you were attracted to that he pushed all your buttons? Not being a sexually experienced man, aside from being a man of the cloth, it was damned hard for Jude. Still, he had made the decision to take control of every part of his life, now that he was about to embark on such a radical change as leaving the priesthood. He tried not to think about how his feelings for Andy, which had been growing for almost a year, had left him more guilt-ridden than he had ever been in his life, and more conflicted about himself and who he wanted to be. He was here now, and he needed to act before he lost his nerve.
“I’m not really too sure of how to say what I need to say,” he began, looking away from Andy’s intent stare. “I have no experience in this area, being a priest and all.”
“Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be fine once you spit it out,” Andy said.
Jude laughed nervously. He had been doing a lot of reading about gay loving, and spitting was one of the things that seemed to happen a lot. His body tightened in his slacks at the thought of Andy spitting on his hands so he could wrap them around Jude’s cock. Good Lord, this isn't getting anywhere!
“What would you say if I told you that there’s someone you know who’s very much attracted to you?”
Andy grinned. “I’d say that’s real sweet, but I’m not looking to start anything. Is it Junior? I’m already not interested if it’s him!”
Now it was Jude’s turn to grin. Everyone in the gym knew that Junior, who ran the yoga classes, was gay. He made no effort to hide it, and he was always on the make. And he was also always trying to get with Andy, whom he had publicly declared was ‘the hottest piece of ass in the gym’.
“No. It’s not him.”
Jude tried not to feel disappointed that Andy wasn’t interested in starting anything. He had come this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. He’d at least ask the follow-up question. Better for his peace of mind to know all the answers so he could find a way to move forward.
“Why aren’t you interested? Are you involved with someone already?”
There…he’d asked the question he had wanted an answer to for almost a year. He prepared himself for the answer that would dash his hopes forever.
“No. I’m single.” Andy swiveled his head to look at Jude, who felt the intensity of his gaze like fire on his skin. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. “In fact, to be honest, I’m interested in someone myself. But he’s not in my league.”
Jude swallowed jealousy along with another gulp of his drink and focused on the man sitting across from him. Although it would cut him to the quick, he would do what he always did…he would offer support.
“Why do you think that?” He knew Andy was an ex-con, and Jude had tried to show him that he would never judge Andy by his past mistakes, but by who he showed himself to be from one day to the next. “Nobody who knows you would ever think himself above you.”
Andy was quick to deny that. “He doesn’t think he’s above me. He’s the humblest man I’ve ever known. But I know he’s worth more than a guy like me can offer him. Besides, he’s got his own problems. I’m not going to be the one to add to them by burdening him with my unwanted affection.”
That sounded a lot like the way Jude felt around Andy. “How do you know it’s unwanted? Have you told him how you feel?”
Andy looked suddenly uncomfortable, and Jude rushed to apologize. “If this isn’t something you want to discuss, you don’t have to. I’m sorry if I’m pushing in where I have no business being.”
“It’s okay, Father…”
“For God’s sake, call me Jude!”
Andy smiled faintly. “Jude, you have nothing to apologize for. I appreciate your concern and your faith in me. Things will work out. They usually do.”
Jude drank some more of the iced coffee and sat back. He had managed to accomplish nothing other than to remind Andy of his misery in not having the affections of the man he was after. Jude wondered who the man was. Probably someone like Andy…tough and no-nonsense, tender and kind, and smart as ever.
“Anyway, if you like, I’ll let down your friend lightly if you'll tell me who he is.”
Jude registered Andy’s offer and choked on the liquid in his mouth. Recovering himself with a cough, he wiped his lips with a napkin.
“What does letting him down lightly look like?”
“Well, it depends on who it is, doesn’t it? If it was Junior, for example, I’d just tell him I’m not interested in being his flavor of the month.”
They both laughed at that. Then Jude sobered and asked the question he dreaded most hearing the answer to.
“What if it’s me?”
The look on Andy’s face made pain radiate out from Jude’s chest through his bloodstream to every part of his frame.
“Jude, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Something in Andy’s voice broke through the pain enveloping Jude. He looked up, something like hope flaring in his chest. Andy wasn’t disgusted or horrified. He was…interested?
Chapter Five
Nothing could have prepared Andy for the words he had just heard. The shock that had his jaw dropping, and the look on Jude’s
face, told him he was misreading what Andy’s reaction meant. Andy watched as Jude rubbed his chest absently, lowering his gaze, studying his clean fingernails and the coffee stain on the napkin in front of him.
“Jude, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“What do you think I’m saying?” Jude asked, avoiding Andy’s eyes.
Suddenly the air seemed to be sucked out of the room. Andy knew Jude found him attractive, but he had never dared to hope that he wanted more with Andy than the few kisses they had shared.
“Are you…are you interested in me?” Better to be safe than sorry.
Andy could see Jude’s pulse hammering wildly in his throat, and Andy’s mouth went dry. He had dreamed of this moment forever, but he had never thought it would come to pass. Jude Carter wanted him. After those first kisses, there had never been anything in Jude’s behavior to indicate more than the interest of a priest for his parishioner. But if the way Jude was swallowing convulsively, as though he had something stuck in his throat, was any indication, Jude wanted as much with Andy as Andy did with Jude. Andy was going to fly apart with overwhelming emotions. One of them had to do something, say something to relieve the tension.
“Apparently as much as you are in me.”
Andy inhaled deeply. The conversation wasn’t going at all as he had expected, but he wasn’t complaining. Still, it would have been nice to know this before. It might have saved them both a lot of anguish. Jude’s voice brought him back to the moment.
“You don't really think you’re not worthy of me do you, Andy?” He reached over and touched Andy’s hands for a second before withdrawing his own. Andy thought Jude’s skin was smooth and warm to the touch.
“You deserve someone who’s as smart as you are, who has done something worthwhile with his life, who has a demonstrated track record of service to others. You put yourself out there for people every day of the year, no matter who they are. There are lots of reasons why you are far worthier than I am.” Andy lowered his eyes. “I’m an ex-con, Jude. You’re a priest. Of course I'm not worthy of you!”