by Max Hudson
Jude’s feet, which had felt glued to the spot in horror, finally came unstuck and he had slammed the door in her face, something he had never done to another living soul in all his life. He stood shaking against the front door, willing the tears that had sprung to his eyes not to fall. They were just words. The woman didn’t know him or Andy. She was just one person. No one else in the building had ever been hateful to either of them. But as that thought went through his mind, he reminded himself that no one else had ever seen him and Jude kissing.
The phone rang again. This time, Jude answered it. “Jude Carter, good morning.” It had taken him a while to remember that he was no longer ‘Father Carter’.
The call was from A Safe Haven, the name of a group of transitional houses where he had applied for work. They wanted him to go for an interview in the city.
“What time shall I be there?” Jude asked.
“One o’clock, Mr. Carter.”
“I’ll see you then.”
Jude hung up and sat with the phone in his hand for a long time, knowing that what had just happened would disturb the peace he had been basking in for almost six glorious weeks. His life had taken a turn for the better, his mind was at peace, and his heart belonged to a good man. Although he had not spoken the words to him, Jude knew he loved Andy. And he hoped and prayed that Andy loved him, too. But now he was worried that everything he had been working to build was about to come crashing down on his head.
The rest of the morning was spent at the halfway house on Elm, and he left from there to drive to his job interview. He walked into the building with a confident stride. No one needed to know that he was shaking on the inside. He hadn’t had to interview for a job in eight years.
The director of A Safe Haven took him on a tour of the facility after a short interview in which it was clear he already had the job. He met a few of the men, most of them very young, and spoke with the social worker whom he was to replace. He would be shadowing her for the next two weeks, after which he’d be on his own. As he drove home, he felt his heart lift.
He had a job at last doing what was dear to his heart. His excitement almost completely dispelled the horror of the morning. By the time he got home, Andy would already be there. He parked and went in, eager to share his news. He heard the television going when he walked in, and stepped on something that made him look down. He bent to pick it up.
“All faggots will die!” the paper said.
Jude dropped it like it was on fire and stumbled against the wall. All the horror of the morning flooded back. How had Andy not noticed this when he got home? It was impossible to miss, unless it hadn’t been placed there until after he was inside. Jude was tempted to walk by without greeting him, but he knew he needed to share the burden. He’d have to tell Andy what had happened this morning, too, though he had half decided not to before.
Andy smiled at him as he walked around to sit on the couch. Jude tried to return it, but couldn’t even summon a grimace. Instead, his eyes filled with the tears he had refused to shed that morning. He swallowed and closed them, feeling Andy’s hand his back.
“Hey Jude!”
He didn’t immediately respond to Andy’s favorite greeting. He waited until he was sure the tears had subsided before replying.
“Hey. How was your day?”
His voice sounded wobbly even to his own ears, like he was talking underwater. Andy must have noticed it, because he sat up in the couch and turned Jude to face him.
“Jude, what’s wrong?”
Jude felt numbness stealing over him. He couldn’t speak, but he pointed to the hallway and leaned forward, his forearms on his thighs, his eyes closed. He wasn’t sure when Andy went to see what was there, or how long Andy stayed quiet, and he didn’t know what Andy was thinking. He himself was lost in a daze of rage and fear.
“Jude, what the hell is this?” Andy’s voice echoed with disbelief as he walked back into the room. “Where’d you get this shit?”
Jude swallowed to moisten his dry throat. “It was pushed under the door when I got home just now.”
Andy stared at him. “There was nothing there when I got home an hour ago,” he said.
Jude nodded numbly. He knew he had to tell Andy everything. “There’s more.”
Andy waited, but Jude could see he was barely holding on to his patience. “That woman from down the hall…accosted me this morning right after you left.”
“Accosted you? How?”
Jude swallowed. “She called us faggots and sinners, and said we should move out before we scar the children in the building for life. She said we should burn in hell.”
Andy wrapped his arms around Jude and pulled him close. “I know it’s hard to believe this, but they’re just words, Jude.”
Jude pulled away from him and stood up. “Maybe, but she said them loud enough to wake the neighbors, who heard every vile thing she uttered.”
“Why would she attack you like that?” Andy asked. “We’ve been so careful.”
“We kissed this morning at the door and she saw us.”
Andy stood up and followed Jude to the window where he was standing. “Do you think she’s the one who left this under the door?”
“It’s very possible, but since quite a few other people heard her, and we don’t know who else is homophobic around here, it could also have been any of them.” Jude didn’t care who had done it. He was too messed up already from the ordeal, and this just cemented the hatred that he had experienced earlier.
Andy released him for a moment, and Jude registered him talking to someone…his brother. He didn’t hear anything Andy said, because he was too busy trying to hold it together. When his lover came back to pull him into his arms, Jude melted into him, letting the warmth of Andy’s body melt the ice around his heart. Finally, he let go and the tears flowed uninhibited. He had never been a weepy kind of man, and he would probably cringe in embarrassment later when he remembered his meltdown. But for now, it felt good to release all the pent-up emotions. Andy held him through it, and Jude knew he was probably getting snot all over his lover. He would deal with the fallout once he regained some control over himself.
By the time Mase arrived, Jude had recovered from the initial shock and hurt, but he was subdued. He sat at the kitchen table reviewing the hateful words slung at him by their neighbor, his cheeks burned with renewed humiliation.
“There are cameras in the building, Jude,” Mase assured him. “We’ll find out who left this and we’ll deal with them. In the meantime, I need you to follow your usual routines. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing how deeply she’s affected you.”
“Business as usual. Got it. Thanks, Mason. I appreciate your taking this on.” Jude was on autopilot.
Mase smiled. “No thanks necessary. Anything for family, anytime.”
The words hit Jude hard and his heart squeezed tight. He wished he could feel the joy of being considered part of Andy’s family after so short a time. But all he saw was how his decision to leave the priesthood and follow his heart had brought life crashing down around him and the man he loved.
Only much later, as he was preparing for bed, did he remember the good news. He had come home prepared to share it with Andy, only to be bludgeoned by the message of hate under his door. He knew Andy would be happy for him, but at the moment all he felt was a cold numbness that not even the excitement of his new job could dispel.
He had spent the rest of the day quietly avoiding Andy, except when he was called to dinner. He wasn’t hungry, but he knew he had to try. When he walked into the room, Andy greeted him.
“Hey Jude!”
Jude smiled faintly. He knew Andy wanted to lighten the mood after the heavy conversation earlier.
“Love that song,” Jude said, trying to be sociable.
“Understandable. Did your parents name you for that song?”
Jude couldn’t help but chuckle in genuine amusement. “Hardly! My upstanding priest dad named me for
the patron saint of hope in troubled times.”
Andy looked up. “That’s pretty cool!” Jude understood what Andy was saying, but he didn’t want to talk about it.
“Easy for you to say,” he replied, avoiding the issue, “since your middle name isn’t Thaddaeus!”
Andy grinned. “I take it that was St. Jude’s other name?”
“I knew there was a reason I liked you! Right in one!”
The tension in Jude’s shoulders eased a little. Maybe he would make it through dinner without falling apart again if he could manage to keep the conversation light. Jude’s entire working life had been ordered on the belief that to be gay was an abomination and a sin against God and nature. The confrontation with that woman had only clarified the untenable position in which his decision has landed him.
“So, how was your day?” Jude looked at Andy, desperate to escape his unhappy thoughts.
“Long. I was distracted all day.” He held Jude’s gaze for a moment, then looked down to his plate.
“Did I do that?” Jude’s crude imitation of that character from the popular 90s sitcom had Andy laughing out loud. He congratulated himself on being able to distract Andy from the conversation Jude knew he wanted to have.
“Seriously? For a former priest, you sure are up on pop culture.” He let his admiration for Jude sound in his voice as he spoke.
“A priest is a Jack of most trades, Andy. I have had to learn a lot of things over the years to reach the people who come needing guidance, support, counseling, help. You can’t be effective if you can’t meet them where they are.”
“I guess that’s right. I dunno…I just figured all you needed to do your job well was the Bible and a good heart.”
“A lot of folks think that. Including many of my superiors in the church. It’s just not true.”
“I’m guessing that’s part of why you left?”
“Yes, but not the major reason.”
The awkwardness was back, because his main reason for leaving was now the cause of his distress. He stood up.
“Thanks for dinner, Andy.” Jude picked up his plate and took it to the sink, rinsing it before placing it in the dishwasher. “I’m gonna turn in now.”
He walked away, not waiting for Andy to respond.
Chapter Ten
A week went by of Jude avoiding Andy, except when he couldn’t at meal times. He had started his new job, which he remembered to tell Andy about only as they were both dressing for work the day after he was hired. He could see that Andy was hurt by his neglect in sharing the good news, but he didn’t know how to fix that aside from apologizing profusely, which he did. They hadn’t touched each other, and slept in their own beds. They didn’t even leave together. Andy left first, and Jude didn’t follow him to the door anymore. He knew he was messing up, but he was in protective mode, and he couldn’t seem to break through. He didn’t want Andy to fall deeper and him not be able to respond in kind. He had to stop things from getting out of control more than they already were.
It was the weekend again, and Andy was in the kitchen. The mouthwatering scent of maple breakfast links permeated the space, making Jude’s tummy rumble.
“Morning,” he said, drawing Andy’s attention to him where he stood by the door. “Something smells good!”
Andy whooped. “Hallelujah! Finally, the sleeper awakes with hunger in his belly! What would you like?” he asked and Jude smiled.
“Everything you have to offer, thanks.”
Andy laughed and gave Jude a little bit of everything…eggs, bacon, breakfast links, buttered toast, marmalade. Jude ate it all, and drank a cup of coffee while Andy ate his own.
“How would you like to go for a ride?” Andy asked.
“That sounds like a great idea. When are we going?”
“As soon as I tidy the kitchen.”
They ended up going for a drive by the river, following the train tracks that ran between them and the water. The simple beauty of nature was a balm to Jude’s wounded spirit. They stopped at a vineyard to buy crackers, grapes, a bottle of wine, and some cheese, and took their picnic to a shaded deck to enjoy. Andy’s face beamed when Jude agreed to go for a little walk with him. Andy took a picture of Jude standing by the railing looking out over the river, and Jude took one of Andy throwing his arms wide and looking up at the sky.
Jude hated going home. He loved his home, but it had become a kind of prison and a reminder of the abuse that he had suffered. His mood dimmed as they approached the apartment, and Andy noticed.
“What’s wrong?”
Jude sighed. “Nothing, really. Just didn’t want to come home.”
Andy frowned. “We can go somewhere else if you’d like,” he said. “Would you like to take the weekend away?”
“That’s a great idea, but where would we go?”
“A hotel? There’s a new one that just opened a year ago on the river about fifty miles west of here. Would you like that?”
Jude was tempted. It would be so great to escape from the oppression that had been his whole world for the past week. No one knew him there, and he could relax and just enjoy being alive with someone who cared about him. But he knew that it was a pipe dream. There was always someone who knew you. And after the attack, it was clear they were being watched. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Andy because of him.
“No, it’s okay. I’m just being silly. Let’s go home. Maybe we can take in a game. It’s been a while since we did that together.”
Andy looked at him dubiously but he drove them home. Jude faked a bright smile as they walked up, and once inside, he excused himself to the bathroom. He sat on the closed toilet and let the emotions swirl around him. When he felt calm enough, he went back into the living room and found Andy scrolling through channels looking for a game. They watched an edited version of the latest game in the playoffs, with Andy yelling at the screen and berating the players, much to Jude’s amusement. Then Andy went to see about dinner, and Jude dozed on the couch. After dinner, Jude tried to help with cleanup, but Andy overruled him, and banished him to the living room.
“Go find a movie for us to watch,” he said. “I’ll make popcorn.”
Jude settled on a film and they laughed a lot, which seemed to help Jude to relax. When the credits were rolling, Andy asked if he wanted to watch another movie. Jude said no and was getting ready to leave for his room when Andy asked,
“What am I doing wrong?”
Jude turned to look at him with a puzzled frown. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”
Andy sighed and sat forward, hanging his hands between his spread legs. “You’re avoiding me, and I need to know what I’m doing wrong, what’s stopping you from dropping your guard around me.”
“Nothing, Andy! You aren’t doing anything wrong. I’m just…” Jude didn’t know how to explain.
“Just what? What’s wrong? What are you so scared to tell me?”
“I really liked the idea of going away for the weekend with you. I did. But then I remembered those horrible things that woman said to me. Someone might recognize us, and I can’t let that kind of abuse touch you or me again.”
He looked Andy in the eye as he spoke, and Andy understood that Jude’s concerns were valid.
“Okay…I get that. But when we’re alone here, why won’t you let me in?”
“This isn’t what I envisioned when I left the priesthood, Andy. I didn’t imagine I’d be a victim of homophobia. And I didn’t expect any fallout to be so horrible. I’m just scared, you know? What if being with me exposes you to the same kind of horror that I experienced, and you decide that you didn’t sign up for that and leave? What if I made the wrong decision, Andy? What then?”
Jude watched as Andy’s eyes shadowed before he turned away. “The real question is not any of those, Jude. It’s a much simpler one — what do you feel for me? If you’re not sure of your feelings, then the rest is moot, isn’t it?”
Jude swallowed the uncertainty.
He knew Andy was right. Jude knew how he felt about Andy, although he had never been in love before. And he thought he knew how Andy felt about him.
“I’m in love with you, Andy.” There…he’d said it.
Andy didn’t move, and only spoke after a long, agonizing pause. “I love you, too, Jude. But clearly loving you isn’t enough, is it?”
“I don’t understand.” Was Andy going to leave him? His heart froze.
“People who love each other don’t let fear get in the way of their love. Which isn’t to say they aren’t scared sometimes. It just means that they focus on each other, and the fear comes into perspective.” He turned finally to look Jude in the eye. “Want to know what I’m scared of? I’m scared that I’m just your gay experiment. That now that you know how dangerous it is to align yourself with me, you’ll change your mind and decide that I wasn’t the right decision to make, after all. That you’ll think giving up the priesthood for me wasn’t worth it.”
Jude’s heart almost burst from his chest as Andy stopped speaking. How could he not have seen that this was exactly how Andy would feel? He had been so focused on his own emotional turmoil, and on protecting himself, that he had hurt the man he loved and not even known it.
“Andy…” Jude didn’t know what to say. “I…I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I just want to protect you. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
“You can’t protect me from bigotry, Jude. And even if I were jumped tomorrow and beaten up, it wouldn’t change the fact that I love you. Nothing and nobody can beat that out of me.”
Andy still wouldn’t look at Jude as he spoke. Panic began to rise, but Jude tamped it down. He was a solution-finder, a problem-solver. He had to make this right, and not keep making excuses about what he didn’t know. There were things that he did know.
Turning in the seat, he said quietly, “Andy, look at me, please.”
Andy turned and looked him in the eye.
“I don’t want to lose you. I want to learn everything you can teach me about how to be with the man I love. I want to learn how to please you, how to rile you up, how to calm you down when you’re angry. I want to be here with you more than I want to run away from my enemies. If you’ll have me…”