5. THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS, "TIME STANDS STILL"
Chapter 4 Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
6. MARJORIE FAIR, "EMPTY ROOM"
Chapter 4 I sat down on the bench outside the theater door and tried very hard not to think of the irony. But it was ironic, all things considered, that, in the end, I would wind up as a zombie. I hadn't seen that one coming.
Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once--just never a grotesque, animated corpse.
Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once--just never a grotesque, animated corpse. I shook my head to dislodge that train of thought, feeling panicky. I couldn't afford to think about what I'd once dreamed of.
It was depressing to realize that I wasn't the heroine anymore, that my story was over.
7. MATCHBOX TWENTY, "UNWELL"
Chapter 6 Charlie stared at me during breakfast, and I tried to ignore him. I supposed I deserved it. I couldn't expect him not to worry. It would probably be weeks before he stopped watching for the return of the zombie, and I would just have to try to not let it bother me. After all, I would be watching for the return of the zombie, too. Two days was hardly long enough to call me cured.
8. JIMMY EAT WORLD, "PAIN"
Chapter 7 I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.
9. THE VINES, "RIDE"
Chapter 8 I'd left my stomach back at the starting point; the adrenaline coursed through my body, tingling in my veins.
10. COLDPLAY, "FIX YOU"
Jacob's perspective
Chapter 9 "It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down--I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?"
11. ROONEY, "BLUESIDE"
Chapter 9 I was in deeper than I'd planned to go with anyone again. Now I couldn't bear for him to be hurt, and I couldn't keep from hurting him, either. He thought time and patience would change me, and, though I knew he was dead wrong, I also knew that I would let him try.
He was my best friend. I would always love him, and it would never, ever be enough.
12. THE FRAY, "OVER MY HEAD (CABLE CAR)"
Chapter 11 I'd thought Jake had been healing the hole in me--or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much. I'd been wrong. He'd just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese.
13. EVANESCENCE, "GOING UNDER"
Chapter 15 I smiled and raised my arms straight out, as if I were going to dive, lifting my face into the rain. But it was too ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool--feet first, first time. I leaned forward, crouching to get more spring....
And I flung myself off the cliff.
14. BRAND NEW, "TAUTOU"
Chapter 15 My ears were flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. I ignored his words and concentrated on the sound of his voice. Why would I fight when I was so happy where I was? Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I was content. I'd forgotten what real happiness felt like.
Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable.
15. RELIENT K, "BE MY ESCAPE"
Chapter 16 What if Paris had been Juliet's friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind? What if he took care of her? What if Juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?
And... what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?
Jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room--like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go.... It was the sound of comfort.
If Romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer? Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were left behind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.
16. THE VERVE PIPE, "NEVER LET YOU DOWN"
Chapter 16 "I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing--and that's something no one wants to hear." He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
17. MUSE, "SING FOR ABSOLUTION"
Edward's perspective
Chapter 18 "I saw him going to the Volturi... and asking to die."
18. FATBOY SLIM, "YA MAMMA"
Chapter 20 She drove in quick spurts and sudden stops, and the people in the crowd shook their fists at us and said angry words that I was glad I couldn't understand. She turned onto a little path that couldn't have been meant for cars; shocked people had to squeeze into doorways as we scraped by. We found another street at the end. The buildings were taller here; they leaned together overhead so that no sunlight touched the pavement--the thrashing red flags on either side nearly met. The crowd was thicker here than anywhere else. Alice stopped the car. I had the door open before we were at a standstill.
She pointed to where the street widened into a patch of bright openness. "There--we're at the southern end of the square. Run straight across, to the right of the clock tower. I'll find a way around--"
Her breath caught suddenly, and when she spoke again, her voice was a hiss. "They're everywhere!"
I froze in place, but she pushed me out of the car. "Forget about them. You have two minutes. Go, Bella, go!" she shouted, climbing out of the car as she spoke.
I didn't pause to watch Alice melt into the shadows. I didn't stop to close my door behind me. I shoved a heavy woman out of my way and ran flat out, head down, paying little attention to anything but the uneven stones beneath my feet.
19. FOO FIGHTERS, "DOA"
Chapter 20 I wished I could ask him exactly what was going to happen now. I wanted desperately to know how we were going to die--as if that would somehow make it better, knowing in advance.
20. MARJORIE FAIR, "STARE"
Chapter 22 I couldn't keep my eyes off of Edward's face for long. I stared at him, wishing more than anything that the future would never happen. That this moment would last forever, or, if it couldn't, that I would stop existing when it did.
Edward stared right back at me, his dark eyes soft, and it was easy to pretend that he felt the same way. So that's what I did. I pretended, to make the moment sweeter.
21. COLDPLAY, "THE SCIENTIST"
Edward's perspective
Chapter 23 "You weren't going to let go," he whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it--it felt like it would kill me to do it--but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."
"A clean break," I whispered through unmoving lips.
"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible--that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry--sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it did
n't work. I'm sorry."
22. SUGARCULT, "MEMORY"
Chapter 23 "Don't promise me anything," I whispered. If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing... that would kill me. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job.
23. ARMOR FOR SLEEP, "THE TRUTH ABOUT HEAVEN"
Edward's perspective
Chapter 23 "Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason.... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
24. BLUE OCTOBER, "SOUND OF PULLING HEAVEN DOWN"
Edward's and Bella's perspectives
Chapter 24 "Your epiphany?" he asked, his voice uneven and strained.
"You love me," I marveled. The sense of conviction and rightness washed through me again.
Though his eyes were still anxious, the crooked smile I loved best flashed across his face. "Truly, I do."
My heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs. It filled my chest and blocked my throat so that I could not speak.
New Moon ALTERNATES
The contrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain.
1. PLACEBO, "DRAG"
Chapter 3 The last was the picture of Edward and me standing awkwardly side by side. Edward's face was the same as the last, cold and statue-like. But that wasn't the most troubling part of this photograph. The contrast between the two of us was painful. He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust.
2. BLUE OCTOBER, "HATE ME" [RADIO EDIT]
Edward's perspective
Chapter 3 "Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
"You... don't... want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
"No."
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz--hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.
3. WEEZER, "THE WORLD HAS TURNED AND LEFT ME HERE"
Chapter 4 The thick haze that blurred my days now was sometimes confusing. I was surprised when I found myself in my room, not clearly remembering the drive home from school or even opening the front door. But that didn't matter. Losing track of time was the most I asked from life.
4. VERTICAL HORIZON, "BEST I EVER HAD"
Chapter 5 I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now--if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it--I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way.
5. EVANESCENCE, "MY IMMORTAL"
Chapter 5 As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition.
6. KEANE, "EVERYBODY'S CHANGING"
Chapter 6 I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester.
7. AUDIOSLAVE, "LIKE A STONE"
Chapter 7 I didn't go any closer. I didn't want to look in the windows. I wasn't sure which would be harder to see. If the rooms were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt. Like my grandmother's funeral, when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during the viewing. She had said that I didn't need to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive.
But wouldn't it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat just as I'd last seen them, the paintings on the walls--worse still, the piano on its low platform? It would be second only to the house disappearing all together, to see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.
Just like me.
8. U2, "STUCK IN A MOMENT YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF"
Chapter 7 I'd come full circle, and now everything felt like an echo--an empty echo, devoid of the interest it used to have.
9. SALIVA, "REST IN PIECES"
Chapter 9 How could I explain so that he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house--condemned--for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all--just the one small piece. He deserved better than that--better than a one-room, falling-down fixer-upper. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.
10. COLLECTIVE SOUL, "NOT THE ONE"
Chapter 13 "Is that what happened? Why the Cullens left?"
"I'm nothing but a human, after all. Nothing special."
"I'm nothing but a human, after all. Nothing special," I explained, shrugging weakly.
11. BLINK 182, "I MISS YOU"
Chapter 15 "Bella."
I smiled and exhaled.
Yes? I didn't answer out loud, for fear that the sound of my voice would shatter the beautiful illusion. He sounded so real, so close. It was only when he was disapproving like this that I could hear the true memory of his voice--the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of all voices.
"Don't do this," he pleaded.
You wanted me to be human, I reminded him. Well, watch me.
"Please. For me."
But you won't stay with me any other way.
"Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and drenched my clothes--making me as wet as if this were my second jump of the day.
12. MUSE, "UNINTENDED"
Chapter 16 I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob now--I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. But to leave things the way they were... was that cruel, as Mike had accused?
I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him. It didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice--warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.
I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.
I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.
13. DIDO, "WHITE FLAG"
Chapter 20 I'd never seen anything more beautiful--even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.
14. HOOBASTANK, "THE REASON"
Edward's perspective
Chapter 23 "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you--keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could ha
ve never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted... what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again."
Eclipse
1. ELBOW, "MEXICAN STANDOFF"
Jacob's perspective
Chapter 1 "What part of 'mortal enemies' is too complicated for you...?"
2. COLDPLAY, "CLOCKS"
Chapter 1 "I thought the timing was still undecided," Edward reminded me softly. "You might enjoy a semester or two of college. There are a lot of human experiences you've never had."
"I'll get to those afterward."
"They won't be human experiences afterward. You don't get a second chance at humanity, Bella."
3. BLUE OCTOBER, "OVERWEIGHT" [RADIO EDIT]
Jacob's perspective
"If Jacob hadn't helped me... I'm not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him better than this, Edward."
Chapter 1 "Please just listen for a minute. This is so much more important than some whim to drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain." My voice distorted around the word. "I can't not try to help him--I can't give up on him now, when he needs me. Just because he's not human all the time... Well, he was there for me when I was... not so human myself. You don't know what it was like.... " I hesitated. Edward's arms were rigid around me; his hands were in fists now, the tendons standing out. "If Jacob hadn't helped me... I'm not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him better than this, Edward."
4. KEANE, "HAMBURG SONG"
Jacob's perspective
Chapter 3 Jacob dropped the antagonistic facade completely. It was like he'd forgotten Edward was there, or at least he was determined to act that way. "I miss you every day, Bella. It's not the same without you."
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