by Hamel, B. B.
“I wanted you,” I say slowly. “But more than that, I wanted you to admit that Julie’s my daughter.”
Her eyes go wide. “Don’t say that.”
“She is and we both know it. You know I know it. We can’t keep pretending otherwise. I don’t want to play games with you anymore, Emma.”
“You’ve been playing me this whole time,” she says, suddenly fierce. “You got your tubes tied before locking me into some crazy pregnancy contract. Why the hell would you do that?”
“To get close to you,” I say softly. “I know how crazy it sounds, but if I just told you that I knew about Julie, you would have run away.”
“It is crazy,” she snaps. “It doesn’t just sound crazy.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say. “I just want to be a part of my daughter’s life.”
“No,” she says softly, shaking her head.
“No?”
She slowly puts her glass down on a side table, her face suddenly eerily calm. She stares at me and crosses her arms.
“You lied to me,” she says. “Just so that you could use me, fuck me however you wanted. You’re disgusting.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I say.
“You’re not getting anywhere near my daughter.”
The words strike me like stones. I stare at her, eyes wide, and although I shouldn’t be surprised by this, I still feel devastated.
“You’ll never get near her,” she says more slowly this time. “If you try, I’ll tell the world about your sick little stunt. I’ll tell everyone about the contract, about your little procedure, everything. You’ll be ruined.”
“Emma,” I say softly, stepping toward her, one hand extended like I can maybe make her see that she’s making a mistake. I was wrong to lie to her, wrong from the start, but I didn’t take advantage of her. I didn’t push her further than she was willing to go.
“Don’t come near me.”
I stop in my tracks and drop my hand to my side. I look down at my feet, and I know that despite all my justifications, I still fucked up. This idea was way too complicated, way too personal, and way too insane. I never pictured falling in love with her, not even for a second, but I should have thought about it at least. I should have realized that once the truth came out, she’d hate me.
Now I’m left with nothing. I look up, but she’s already turning away.
I want to call out to her. I want to beg her to stay, try and make her understand that when I started this, I didn’t know her. I had no clue that I’d slowly find myself loving her in a way that I haven’t loved another person in a long, long time. I want her to know that I’m starting to see parts of her in myself that I didn’t even know were there. I fucked up but I want to make it better, if I can.
Instead, she leaves. I watch her go and each step she takes tears a chunk out of me. I end up alone in my apartment, staring out the window, wondering how the fuck I let myself break all over again.
19
Emma
He’s the enemy, and the enemy did what the enemy always does.
I have to keep telling myself that. He’s the enemy, and I don’t need to mourn losing him. I’m not losing anything. I’m moving on from a toxic man that only wanted to use me.
Except the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that he didn’t do anything I wasn’t also doing. He lied to me about being able to get me pregnant, and I lied to him about being able to get pregnant. Not to mention lying to him about Julie being his daughter. If there’s a scoresheet, I’m probably winning in the lying category.
But still… it fucking hurts. I’m so angry that I can barely think about it. Maudette’s in my apartment when I get home, and she can clearly tell that I’m upset.
“Fight with the boss?” she asks me, almost too sweetly.
I glare at her. “Not just a fight,” I say. “Whatever he and I were is over.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Pity. I’ve never seen David so happy.”
I hesitate. “Really?”
“Oh sure, honey. I’ve been working for Envoy since the start, and although I haven’t really had much cause to be around the man, he’s pretty friendly. Used to stop by and chat once in a while, like he does with most of his employees.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, sure, sure. He’s real hands-on and friendly, everyone likes him. I mean, it’s harder for him to talk with everyone now that Envoy’s so big, but back then, we weren’t so huge, right? Anyway, he never seemed all that excited. I used to ask about his love life, you know.” She gives me a conspiratorial little wink.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “What happened can’t be fixed.”
“Anything can be fixed.” She shrugs, getting her purse. “Trust me, honey. David’s one of the good ones, even if sometimes he isn’t perfect. Whatever he did, try and work it out. I’m sure that’s what he wants.”
I should feel pissed that this random woman’s giving me unsolicited advice like this, especially considering she has no clue what she’s talking about. David did something so heinous, so awful, that nobody could ever work it out with him. It’s amazing I’m even thinking about him right this instant without anything other than pure rage and disgust.
Except I’m not angry. I should be, and I guess I am in some distant way, but I’m also exhausted. I say goodnight to Maudette as she leaves and I pour myself a glass of wine before collapsing onto the couch. I check on Julie through the baby monitor and sigh, taking a long sip.
Standing in his apartment, I was so furious I could barely breathe. I felt like he took advantage of me, but now that I’m alone in my apartment, sipping some wine, I know that’s not true. He never did anything I didn’t already agree to. So what, so he couldn’t get me pregnant. I can’t get pregnant, and I lied to him about it, too. I mislead him just as much as he mislead me.
I did it for money, for Julie. He did it for reasons I still don’t completely understand, but I think there’s one real truth in everything he’s said to me so far. I think he really does want a family, and that was his convoluted, fucked-up way of trying to get one.
He can’t have Julie, though. That just can’t even happen. I feel my anger return just thinking about him taking her. Except he said he doesn’t want to.
I take a breath and let it out. How can I trust anything he says now?
I get a little drunk, and then a little drunker, and I go to bed way too late. Julie gets up the next morning at her normal time, and I’m hungover as I make her breakfast. I don’t bother going into the office, although I get like ten calls from Sven threatening to hang me if I don’t show up, which I feel like it’s a little exaggerated. It’s not like we have anything important happening.
“Some lead you are,” Sven says in his last message of the morning. “We finish without you.”
I should feel bad, but I don’t let myself worry. I take Julie to a park near our house and I spend time with her, playing and laughing and pretending like nothing’s wrong.
Except everything’s wrong. The more I think about it, the more I think I overreacted to him. I mean, I should be angry, but I’m lying too. I’m such a hypocrite and I have no right to act like I have the moral high ground.
Fact is, I’m just as bad as he is. I was willing to lie to him and sleep with him just to take some of his money down the line. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant, just like him, but I kept going to him every time he called.
And I kept coming, over and over again. Even when he wasn’t fucking me, I kept coming, because I couldn’t help myself around him.
It’s not just the sex, though. As I sit there in the park, Julie playing a few feet away in the woodchips, I can’t help but think about all the times we just sat around and talked. We talked about everything, from our shared love of self-driving cars and the potential the technology has to change the world to our own boring lives. He’s amazingly down to earth for a guy with a self-driving boat in his back yard. I never
once got the sense that he considered me anything but a peer, and he treated me like an equal at all times. Even though it’s clear who has all the power, he still didn’t act like it.
I keep thinking about that night at the charity gala in particular. He was so charming and handsome, but it was that conversation on the roof that really changed things for me. I was thinking of him as the enemy at that point, but I was also falling so head over heels in love with him that I felt like I had vertigo.
That feeling doesn’t just go away. I still think I love him, but I also think I hate him even more, and I don’t know what to do.
“Mommy?” Julie looks up at me with her big, pretty eyes, and I can see her father there. It’s actually striking, the resemblance, and I suddenly know how he figured it out.
That picture on my desk. Just looking at her, you can tell who her father is. It was probably like looking into a mirror for him.
“Come here, sweetie,” I say, picking her up. I tickle her and she laughs, squirming in my arms. I smile and laugh along, amazed at how big and strong she’s getting.
We spend the rest of the week like that, messing around, going to the park, basically wandering without any direction. I spend all my time with Julie, trying not to think about my confusing feelings about her father, which is actually pretty impossible. Every time I look at Julie, I see David in her smile, and I have to actively keep myself from trying to reach out to him.
I expect to lose my job. Envoy isn’t the kind of company where you can just stop showing up. Sven stops calling after the third day, and even Mel stops texting me after four. I figure I’ll get an email informing me of my dismissal any day, but it never comes. The weekend turns into the following work week, and on Monday morning, there’s still nothing from Envoy.
I go through the usual routine with Julie. I get her up, make her breakfast, get myself some coffee, and sit at the table with her. I’ve been lazy lately and not getting dressed right away, so I’m still in my pajamas when there’s a knock at my apartment door.
I start, surprised. People normally have to buzz in. I frown, figuring it’s a neighbor with my mail or something like that, as I walk over and pull open the door.
It’s not a neighbor. Olivia stares at me, her eyebrow arched, a wry little smile on her face. “Cute outfit,” she says.
I glance down at the fuzzy slippers on my feet, the ratty old sweatpants, and the Sesame Street t-shirt. “I’m unemployed,” I say with a shrug. “What’s it matter?”
She looks surprised. “I didn’t realize you quit.”
I laugh a little. “I stopped showing up, didn’t I?”
“You did,” she says, and sighs. “That’s why I’m here.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I say quietly. Julie’s nearby. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Maybe, but you should anyway. Can we talk?” I watch her for a second and she sighs, holding up her hands. “He doesn’t know I’m here.”
For some reason, that convinces me. I step aside and she walks into my little apartment. She smiles at Julie. “Hi there, Julie,” she says.
“Hi,” Julie answers, a little shy.
“Honey, why don’t you go to your room and play?” I ask her. “Olivia and I need to talk.”
She just shrugs and starts getting up. I help her out of the chair and carry her into her room. I put her down on her play mat and shut the door behind her. I grab the baby monitor, turn it on, and turn to Olivia.
“What do you want?” I ask her.
She’s sitting down at the table with a mug of coffee in her hand. Clearly, she helped herself.
“We need to talk about your job,” she says. “Are you unhappy at Envoy?”
“Uh,” I say, shaking my head. “You know what happened, right?”
“I’m aware,” she says, face still calm.
“He lied to me. He got a procedure done, got a vasectomy or whatever.”
“Styrene maleic anhydride polymer injection, brand name Vasalgel,” she corrects, “but the same idea, yes.”
“Doesn’t matter what it’s called. He still lied to me.”
“Yes, he did,” she says. “I can’t deny that. He certainly mislead you.”
“On purpose,” I say. “He used me.”
“Well, that’s debatable.”
I glare at her, my anger rising. “How is that debatable?”
“What isn’t debatable,” she says over me, “is that you used him.”
I feel my anger peak and suddenly slowly seep away. I lean back into my chair, and I expect to feel ashamed, but instead I just feel relieved.
“How do you know?” I ask her finally.
“I’m very thorough,” she answers curtly. “As soon as you told me about your little contract, I did my due diligence. It took a hefty bribe, but we retrieved your medical records.”
I shake my head, unable to stop myself from smiling. “Sounds like your reputation is true.”
“Yes, it is.” She crosses her legs and drums the nails on her right hand on the tabletop, the mug in her left. “This is the situation, as I see it. You entered into a contract, knowing full well that your current daughter was a one-in-a-million freak of a medical occurrence. You knew you’d more than likely never have another child, and that it was nearly impossible for David to get you pregnant a second time. You didn’t inform him of this, and instead convinced him to add in a clause that allowed you to still be paid at the end of the contract term.”
As she talks, I can feel my shame growing. I know all of this, of course, but hearing it said out loud makes it sound so much worse. I’m such a damn hypocrite, and I realize that’s part of why I haven’t been going to work. While I’ve been angry at David, I’ve also been angry at myself.
I can’t face him. I can’t look him in the eye and pretend to be so morally superior, like I wasn’t doing the exact same thing as him.
“I’ll admit,” Olivia says, continuing, “procuring medical records isn’t exactly part of my standard operating procedure, but I decided that the circumstances warranted it. We took a quick DNA sample from both Julie and David, and the test was conclusive.”
I sigh. “How?”
“Maudette.”
It stings, but it doesn’t surprise me. “Does he know?”
She shakes her head. “Not yet.”
I look at her hopefully. “You didn’t tell him?”
“No,” she says. “When I found out, I decided that you’d come clean on your own sooner or later. I didn’t anticipate what he did, however.”
“Why did you think I’d tell him?” I ask her.
She watches me for a moment, sipping her coffee. She stops drumming her nails on the table. “I see the way you look at him,” she says finally.
I sigh and look up at the ceiling. I stretch a little bit, putting my hands behind my head, and let out a long breath. “You’re right,” I say finally.
“I know.” She watches me, face flat and expressionless.
“It didn’t happen right away,” I say. “I mean, it was just for money at the beginning. But eventually, well… it became more than just money.”
“I know,” she repeats. “But there’s one more pressing issue, one more important piece of the puzzle.”
I meet her gaze and she doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t have to. “She’s his daughter,” I say without prompting.
She nods and I’m surprised to see that she looks relieved. “That’s good.”
“That’s good?” I bark a little laugh. “How is that good?”
“It means he isn’t totally insane,” she says, and grins at me.
I can’t help but laugh a little bit. “I guess all this would be insane if he were wrong.”
“David is a lot of things, but ‘insane’ and ‘wrong’ are not two of them,” she says. “I’ve seen him do a lot of questionable things over the years, but never something like this.”
“How is this different?” I ask her.
�
�He did this for a person, instead of for his company.”
I nod a little bit. “Does he feel the same?” I feel like a moron asking, and a little desperate, but I can’t help myself. I probably have no right to know at this point. If he loves me, I’m not sure I really deserve his love.
Not after the way I lied to him and then got angry at him when he was simply doing exactly what I was doing.
“I can’t say that.” She puts the coffee mug down. “That’s not my place, unfortunately.”
“Of course not,” I say.
“But listen to me, Emma. I’m an expert on many things, David Carlson being one of them, and he’s worth it. Do you understand?”
“Why?” I ask, and it’s barely a whisper.
“You already know,” she says, standing. “Come back to work. Talk to him. Explain yourself. He’ll forgive you.”
“I don’t know if I forgive him.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, but you should.”
“How can we move on from here?” I ask as she walks to the door. “We’ve been lying to each other, using each other. How can we go past this?”
“Honesty,” she says, and gives me a rare smile. “Just tell him the truth, Emma.”
I nod a little bit, looking down. I hear the door open, but it doesn’t close. I look back up and she’s still watching me.
“Come back to work,” she says. “Even if it’s not for him, come back for yourself. He’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. Just come back.”
I nod, surprised. “You’re here to get me back?” I ask, realizing with a start.
“Of course. Retaining important talent is part of my job.” She inclines her head, another little smile on her lips. “Hopefully I’ll see you soon.” She disappears and the door shuts behind her.
I sit there at the table, digesting that conversation. I’m completely blown away and I didn’t for a second think that Olivia would care enough to show up like that.
But she did, and she thinks I’m making a mistake on a few different levels.
I check the monitor again and head back to Julie’s room. She’s playing with some blocks and singing total nonsense to a tune I’ve never heard before. She looks up at me and smiles, and I see David’s face again.