by Hamel, B. B.
“Well,” Eleanor says after a brief pause. “You’re here for tea, so let me go make some. How do you take it?”
“However you make it,” he says, grinning. “I don’t know much about tea.”
“I’ll surprise you then.” She winks at him and gets up, leaving us alone at the table.
I look at Will for a second and he smiles at me. I want to say something, hell, I want to yell at him. I want to drag it all out into the open and tear him a new asshole, because he deserves it.
He took the best friendship, hell, the best relationship I’ve ever had and he threw it away for one night of pussy. He used me, and I hated him for it.
Except it doesn’t sting so much, seeing him now. He does look a little older, now that we’re sitting so close. His smile isn’t so easy and his hair’s a little shorter.
“What have you been up to?” he asks me a little awkwardly.
“Not much,” I say, which is true.
“Where are you working?”
I glance at Eleanor and I can tell she’s stifling a smile. “Nowhere right now,” I say.
“Oh, cool.” His smile seems genuine. “Must be nice. I bet Eleanor’s sick of you.”
“Yes, she is,” Eleanor says from the stove.
“Ignore her,” I say. “She loves having me around the house.”
“How could she not?” Will asks. “You’re delightful.”
“Exactly.” I make a face at Eleanor. “See, Will knows I’m great company.”
“Yes, dear, of course you are. Wonderful company. Most of the time.”
Will laughs and looks over his shoulder at Eleanor. “She’s not still taking those four-hour-long showers, is she?”
“Oh, god,” I groan.
Eleanor laughs. “Not anymore,” she says. “We got her down to two.”
“I do not take two hours in the shower,” I say. “And I definitely never took four.”
“I remember one night, we were going to the movies,” he says to Eleanor, ignoring me. “I swear, I sat down in this kitchen for like forty minutes waiting for her to finish showering, and she’d already been in there an hour before I got here.”
Eleanor laughs and I wish I could run away all over again.
“Time is tighter these days,” Eleanor says. “Ever since Addie became a—”
“Okay,” I say loudly, cutting her off. “That’s enough.”
Eleanor gives me a look. “I was just saying, ever since—”
“I know, I know,” I say loudly again. “I understand. Will doesn’t need to hear about that.”
Will raises an eyebrow, smiling uncertainly. “Hear about what?”
Eleanor pauses and I can see her reading the situation. Quickly she smiles. “Nothing, dear,” she says. “Just teasing poor Addie here.”
“Ah,” he says, not buying it. “I’m sure she gets enough of that normally, right, Addie?”
“Sure,” I say, not able to meet his gaze.
Eleanor comes over with a teapot and cups a minute later. I’m squirming in my seat as she serves agonizingly slow. I want to get this over with so I can get the hell out of here. I’m terrified Eleanor’s going to spill my little secret and ruin all of this for me.
Will doesn’t know about Cara. He doesn’t now that I’m a mother. And I never told Eleanor that he’s the father, and I definitely never told her that I don’t want him to know.
I suspect that she just figured it out, though.
“How’s your father, Will?” Eleanor asks him.
“Fine,” he says. “Still working hard.”
“Not too hard?”
“Always too hard.”
She laughs lightly. “I suppose it could be worse.”
“It could,” he says, and glances at me. I know what that look means. It is.
“Have you seen anyone from school since you’ve been back?” I ask him, changing the subject.
He shakes his head. “Not yet. Only been home a few weeks now and it’s been… tough getting around.” He sips his tea and his eyes go wide. “Wow, Eleanor. This is delicious.”
“Thank you,” she says, looking proud. “It’s my own special blend.”
“I love it.” He takes another long sip and looks at me. “Have you kept in touch with anyone?”
“Not really,” I admit. “I used to talk to Emily, you know, Rick’s girlfriend?”
“I remember her,” he says. “Really nice girl. Always wore pink. I thought that was kind of weird.”
“It was weird, wasn’t it?” I laugh a little, sipping my own tea. I’m used to it by now, but it is absolutely delicious. Eleanor takes great pride in this little blend, although I know that it’s just a mix of mint, black, and some jasmine.
Will puts his cup down with a little clink, looking over my shoulder and into the living room, an odd smile on his face. “Who’s this?” he asks suddenly, and my whole world shuts down.
I turn slowly and Cara’s peeping over the couch, a little smile on her face. I didn’t hear her wake up or come downstairs. She must have snuck around through the piano room while Eleanor was serving.
“Ah, that’s little Cara,” Eleanor says, trying to cover it up.
“Cara, you should be in bed,” I say, getting up.
She shakes her head, still smiling.
“Come on, honey,” I say going over and scooping her up. “Sorry, Will. I’ll see you some other time, okay?”
He doesn’t respond. He’s staring at Cara, his eyes a little wide. I hold her there for a second, suspended between two worlds. My whole body feels like it’s on fire and I can’t move, like my feet are nailed to the floor. My heart’s pounding in my ears and Cara’s clinging to me too tight. I feel like I can’t breathe.
“Yeah, I’ll see you another time,” Will says softly, like he’s in a daze.
I turn stiffly and walk away, up through the piano room and across the hall. I head up the stairs again, Cara in my arms.
That was my nightmare. That was everything I didn’t want. I never wanted Will to find out about Cara, let alone in my own house, with me holding her. There’s no way he’ll miss how similar we look.
As I put Cara down in bed, I get a close look at her jaw, her nose, her eyes, and they resemble Will so much that it’s almost painful. She looks like me, but she looks more like her father. And I have to hope that he won’t realize.
I just have to hope that he didn’t notice. I read Cara another story while downstairs, Eleanor shows Will to the door. I can hear them talking softly before he leaves, the lock latching shut once he’s gone.
I get Cara down again and leave her room. Eleanor stands at the bottom of the stairs, and the look she gives me, half sad and half apology, says everything she needs to say.
I turn away from her and head to my room. I scream into my pillow for ten minutes before my body finally calms down enough to stay still.
6
Will
I walk out onto the river path again, my walking stick in my hand, knee aching just a little bit. Addie’s up ahead, standing against a tree with her hands behind her back, watching me as I walk slowly toward her.
We used to meet here all the time, back in the day. We’d hike through the woods together, heading up to our spot, or we’d just keep walking until we got tired and turned around. I doubt we’ll get far today, though.
I didn’t expect her to agree to this. I figured she’d ghost me again like she has been lately, but after seeing that little girl, I couldn’t help myself. I had to talk to her again.
It was the look she gave me as she picked the girl up. It was haunted, horrified, but also somehow relieved. When she left the room, Eleanor leaned toward me with a sad little smile.
“Well, cat’s out of the bag, I guess,” she said softly. “You should get going, if you don’t mind.”
“Who was that?” I asked her, but Eleanor just smiled and shook her head.
“You’re late,” Addie calls out as I approach. She pushes off t
he tree and comes down to meet me in the path.
“I’m a gimp.” I stop and stretch my knee a little bit. “Don’t expect much from me today.”
She eyes me a little bit. “You think I’m going easy on you?”
I sigh. “Addie,” I say.
“What? You never went easy on me.”
I grin at her, not able to help myself. “You weren’t disabled.”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re not disabled. Come on, Comrade. Let’s go.”
I limp up next to her and we set out. I expect her to set a brutal pace, but instead it’s a nice, easy amble, well within my ability. We walk for a little bit together, not saying much. I ask about how Eleanor’s been doing, and Addie mostly talks about that, going on about all the different rich person functions her adopted mother gets involved with.
“It’s like a rotating cast of the oldest, richest white people you’ll ever meet,” she says to me.
“She always was like that,” I point out.
“It’s gotten worse. Seriously, Will, she just donated like fifty grand to a lizard sanctuary.” She stares at me. “A lizard sanctuary,” she repeats.
“I didn’t know we had those in Connecticut.”
“She found the only one, I’m sure.”
I laugh and for a second, I forget that little girl back at Eleanor’s place. I forgot about the girl’s chin and nose and eyes, and how familiar she looked. I forget that she was the spitting image of Addie, mixed with someone I know but can’t place.
We walk in silence for a few minutes, and I’m just enjoying Addie’s company. This feels so familiar and so intimate, even though it’s been a long time since we last did this. I think the last time we walked through Weston’s woods was back in the summer after freshman year of college.
That was the last time I came home to stay in my father’s house. I can still hear his words ringing in my ears the day I left for school. “You think you’re going to go pro? Idiot fucking boy.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. I’m not some kid anymore. I’m not the same guy that left here all those years ago.
“So, you speak Russian, huh?” Addie gives me a sideways glance. “Didn’t think you had it in you.”
“I don’t,” I admit. “I’m honestly awful at it.”
“Still, it’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah, I guess. It was a pain in the ass.”
“Why?”
“Russian lessons were early, even earlier than practice. I had to get my ass out of bed and go out into the freezing Russian winter just to learn a language that I was awful at.”
“Sounds terrible,” she says. “At least you were playing.”
“True,” I concede. Addie knows me better than anyone, and she knows that playing hockey is one of the few things that truly keeps me grounded. “I liked my teammates too. Especially this guy named Jardis.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“He was an asshole, but a really good guy. Helped me with my Russian sometimes. Mostly we just went out, drank vodka, and tried to meet girls.”
She laughs a little. “You haven’t changed a bit, then.”
“Pretty much.” I grin at her, although I feel like I’m a totally different person than I was back then.
“What was it like, living over there?”
“Weird,” I say. “I couldn’t read the signs, the food was different, the customs were different. Everything just was different.” I hesitate a second. “Except for the game.”
She gives me a sad little smile. “You miss it already, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Think you’ll play again?”
I wince a little. “Maybe.”
She nods and doesn’t press. I think she knows what I really meant, which is, probably not.
“Have you been back in Weston long?” I ask her, changing the subject.
She kicks a rock and it skitters through the dirt, rolling on its side into the leaves. “Yeah, since we graduated.”
“Really?” I laugh a little. “You must be so sick of it.”
She shrugs a little. “It’s not bad. Eleanor’s the best.”
“She really is. Must make it easier.”
“Much easier.” She glances at me. “Her name is Cara, by the way.”
Her abrupt comment jerks me back into the present. I was busy thinking about what it used to feel like to be so close to her, and wondering if it would ever feel that way again. This is close, but it’s not exact.
“Cara?” I repeat, a little stupidly.
“My daughter.”
“Oh, shit.” I don’t know why I say that. She doesn’t seem to question it. We walk for a few more feet, the woods pressing closer. “Uh, is the father in the picture?”
She glances at me. “No.”
“That’s hard.”
“Like I said, Eleanor’s the best.”
“She’s helping you a lot, huh?”
“A lot,” she agrees. “I don’t know where I’d be without her.”
“I’m really glad then. I mean, that sort of thing, all alone?” I shrug a little bit, not knowing what else to say.
She seems to get it. “I never wanted to be a mother.”
“I thought you couldn’t… I mean, you told me…” I feel so awkward and dumb.
“I thought I couldn’t get pregnant either,” she says for me. “That’s what I was told right after.”
I don’t need to ask her what she means by right after. “You, uh, were having sex in college. Right?”
She glares at me. “None of your business.”
I grin at her. “Seems like it is my business, Addie.”
She hesitates a second and sighs. “Yes, I had sex with someone other than you.”
“Oh. Cool.” I don’t know why I feel so disappointed. I knew Addie wasn’t a virgin back then, or at least I assumed. I still wish I could have been her first.
“And with someone since,” she says pointedly. “Look, we don’t need to talk about my sex life.”
“We don’t need to, but I’d like to,” I say, grinning at her. “If you want to go into detail, I’m listening.”
She gives me a little smile. “I bet you’d like that.”
“Sure would. It was cold and lonely out in Russia. I’d love to hear some filthy stories.”
“Dream on, cripple.”
“I don’t need to dream,” I counter. “I can just remember.”
She glares at me but her anger quickly softens. “You really haven’t changed.”
“Neither have you.”
She looks away. “I guess not. I just feel like such a mom now, you know?”
“I can imagine. Have you been hanging around with anyone here?”
“Not really,” she admits. “I hung out with Melissa a little bit, but she moved to the city.”
“Melissa?”
“Short, really tan?”
“Oh, Big Boobs Melissa.”
Addie winces. “Yes, Big Boobs Melissa. I forgot about that name.”
“How could you?”
“It’s very descriptive, I guess. But she got one of those boob reduction things.”
“No shit?”
“Yep. Lopped ‘em off.”
“Damn. Seems like a shame.”
She looks down at her own chest. “I told her to give me some.”
“Not like you need it.”
She raises an eyebrow at me. “I’m practically flat.”
“No, you’re far from flat. If I remember right, you’re more than a handful.”
I love the way she blushes. I almost forgot about how satisfying it is when her cheeks turn red, but it really warms my heart.
“Same old Will,” she mutters.
“Listen, if you’re having boob issues, I can help you out.” I lean against her a little bit, ogling her chest. “Come on, whip them out.”
“I’ll shove you over, cripple boy, I swear.”
I laugh as she pushes me, but not too ha
rd. “Okay, okay, you win.”
“Damn right I do.” Her smile makes the slight twinging pain in my knee totally worth it.
“Must be boring here, though. I mean, it’s great Eleanor’s helping, but still.”
“It’s boring,” she agrees. “Most of my time’s spent with Cara anyway, though. It’s hard to have a social life when you have a kid.”
“I bet. All that crying and the diapers?”
She laughs. “You don’t know the half of it.”
“I’d rather not know.”
She gives me a look I can’t read but shrugs a little bit. “Eleanor hired a nanny to help me out.”
“Spoiled girl,” I say, laughing.
“Her name’s Julissa. I’d be going insane without her, although I think Eleanor got her because she doesn’t want to have to babysit ever.”
“Makes sense to me. Eleanor’s looking out for number one.”
“Can’t blame her,” Addie agrees.
We come around to a bend in the path. We’ve been walking for about a half hour now, and I’m starting to ache a little bit, but I don’t want to go home. I know that if we go left, my house won’t be too far away, and if we go right, we’ll head toward the waterfall. I can tell Addie’s having the same problem that I am, but she decides faster.
“I should get back,” she says. “Are you okay from here?”
“I’m not as crippled as I look.”
She raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms and facing me. I don’t remember the last time I really looked at Addie like this, but my god, she’s fucking beautiful. She’s still a little flushed, maybe from the heat, but it’s pretty, and her figure is perfect. Not too skinny, with weight in the right places, and lips that drive me insane.
“I guess I’ll see you around,” she says.
“You will,” I agree. “Just don’t start dodging my calls again.”
She grins. “And don’t show up for tea.”
“Can’t promise that. If Eleanor invites me, I’m showing up.”
She rolls her eyes but still smiles. “See you later.”
I watch as she walks away, thinking about the feeling of that ass up against me as I fucked her that night. I’m a little hard when I finally start heading back home. I don’t want to go there, but I have nowhere else to go.